The Diary Of Cheryl Lynne Oropal

2011-11-22T17:43:00.000-08:00

and so here I am in las cruces still. since coming here I managed to get help with finding a place to live. this from a community organization that a lesbian I met here at the GLBTQ center told me about because they had a " group home" to live in where the rent is based upon 30% of your total income. that organization was the mesilla valley community of hope located at 999 west amador ave here in las cruces.

they have a soup kitchen serving some of the best meals I have ever tasted since becoming homeless; way better that that turkey everything dogshit served back at the institute for community living's tillary street women's shelter back in brooklyn new york at 200 tillary street [ www.instituteforcommunityliving.org ]. and a hell of a lot better then that SLOP they fucking served in chico california at the fucking jesus center on park ave. near the circle K convenience store for sure! [ that fucking place run by the hypocrites mentioned earlier in this diary back around february and march of 2010 when I was out in chico at the torres shelter at 101 silver dollar way next to food max, barnes and noble, and costco.

I went in and inquired about that group home, which I was told is NOT run like most other group homes ; in the sence that you do NOT have a curfew and you can drink as long as it is in the privacy of your room. upon doing so I learned that tjhey had another HUD funded program in which, if you meet both income qualifications and/or on SSDI/SSI, they will help you with your rent for the first year.

you must find a privately owned apartment, mobile home, or whatever; the place must meet HUD's strict income guidelines of what they call " fair market rent values; which in las cruces is a maximum of $508 for a one bedroom unit and $471 for a studio. this based upon single occupancy for a single individual; not sure as to how that would work with a mobile home being that most small mobiles are at least 2 BR's in size. you as the tenant then pay only 30% of your total income toward the rent, or in the case of someone with a disability, only 28% of the rent total.

thing is this, the maximum rent costs, according to fucking HUD's rules, MUST INCLUDE THE UTILITIES. something which nearly all landlords do not include in the total rent costs; what landlords that do may only include heat like back east in places like hartford connecticut or new york city/northern new jersey. the place I am renting the landlord actually wanted $450 for; which when factoring in the
" average total utilities' cost" [ based upon the HUD formula ] of approximately $93 [ what the last tenant used. I had to go to the both utility companies to find this out before renting the place] would have far exceeded the cap of $508 per month at $543.so I had to talk the landlord into reducing the rent,at least in the figurative sense of lowering the rent. which simply means that I am responsible not just for my 28% share which comes out to $105 [ based upon my receiving $55 in supplemental security income {SSI} and social security disability {SSDI} for a total of $694 per month here in new mexico { was $781 back in new york because of the extra state supplement of $87 }]. I am also responsible for the extra $50 out of the original $450 total rent per month. [ to which my sister said " no problem. if it doesn't work out I'll help you with part of the rent. I just want to see you get into a place and NOT HAVE TO SLEEP IN THE CAR OR AT ONE OF THOSE CRUMMY SHELTERS ANYMORE!"

and so, on saturday october 22, I moved into the new place. the location is awesome, I am only a 3 block walk to new mexico state university ; about 6 blocks to dona ~ ana community college [ on university campus] where I will be attending school starting january 19,2012! the two courses I chose are PHIL 101G , THE ART OF WONDERING which is an introduction to philosophy; the other PSY 201G INTRO TO PSYCHOLOGY which is a beginning course in psycology.

it was suggested that for myself, especially considering that I both have adult ADD [ attention deficit disorder] and that I have been out of college for at least 10 years and , like I love to say, " A WHOLE OTHER LIFETIME" meaning my gender transition ; that I start back up with just six credit hours maximum course load. this from both trudy, the disabled services coordinator at DACC and from a student at NMSU I met at the queer-straight alliance, or new mexico state university QSA who told me not to make the same mistake that he did and jump into six classes at 15-18 credit hours for a full time and then some course load! his warning was that you'll burn yourself out with all the resulting frustration, much like he did when he first came to NMSU.

and so, here I am in las cruces; about to undertake something I wanted to do, but never thought I'd have the strength to do. that is to attend college. as for las cruces itself? AM I HAPPY HERE? not necessarily , as I am quickly finding out that it is basically a conservative place with less than tolerant attitudes toward as queers!

especially toward the transgender when dealing with the LATINO COMMUNITY here in the " city of the crosses" . named for those " christian" crosses that are often placed on the side of the highway when somebody dies in an automobile accident; or in this case, for the original hispanic settlers who came up into what is now the united state of new mexico via the el camino real; an old stagecoach road leading north from mexico upon which both missionary and early settler traveled back when this was native american territory.

yet out upon the NMSU campus, attitudes for the most part seem to be far more tolerant than here in the city itself when dealing with the " grown ups" ; people my age with families, spouses, and full time jobs- something which I NEVER REALLY BECAME IN LIFE! you should see the looks I get when I walk into that women's room , or MUJURES ROOM EN ESPANOL' at the local walmart from the mexican women. they often stare at me as if I was some sort of child molester or fucking rapist; when all I am is a fucking transsexual woman who sits the fuck down to piss on the toilet the same god damn way that they all do!

IGNORANCE! BLAME IT ON THE GOD DAMN CATHOLIC CHURCH! back at the college that day , trudy warned me to beware of the men! the LATINO HOMBRES, many of whom have a bad enough attitude toward women as a whole. there exists a lot of domestic violence in the latino community as a whole, she told me. that does not suprise me, as it was the same with both puerto rican and dominican back in new york city and in connecticut's cities.

AT LEAST I LIKE COMING TO THE LGBTQ CENTER. AS FOR LAS CRUCES AS A WHOLE? WELL WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.

CIUDAD LAS CRUCES! ESTADA NEW MEXICO! GO AGGIES!

2011-11-03T17:51:00.000-07:00

that night of sept. 14 I ended up driving west on interstate 10 and up US route 2280; sleeping in the rest area about 15 miles north of deming, new mexico. deming being a town I remembered from my past life when I took my first trip on the greyhound from the brand new bus station on west colonial drive/state road 50 in orlando, florida all the way west to redding california the place where I lived with both my parents at the time. I remembered the greyhound turning off onto US 70 and then going up toward a place called lordsburg, NM and over the continental divide through globe, arizona and down-mountain into phoenix on its way to los angeles, california.

at the time I lived for smoking pot, sure enough when that fucking bus stopped at the lordsburg mc donalds; I instead chose to walk off into the empty pices of property adjoining mc donalds and the tiny village of lordsburg up into the mesquite forest to smoke myself a nice big old joint to keep me happy for the next five hours or so. I smoked another one when we got to phoenix right around sunset, the temperature being a hot, but dry 108 degrees on that early september evening.

perhaps the most memorable part of the trip was when we left phoenix and headed toward the state of california on that bus; three younger black boys all talking about ' shooting this and that' , ' dealing rocks this and that' for fucking hours. I happened to ask them ' how does that song by tupac shukur go? california love?' the kids who were returning to south central LA from their grandmother's place in phoenix then said ' TUPAC DEAD YO. HE GOT SHOT IN VEGAS LAST NIGHT.

the guy sitting right next to me in his 40's , whom I mistakenly thought was hispanic but was actually black and now living in truth or consequences after years spent gang banging and later, in and out of the california state penitentary where he got his college degree; then said to those kids ' GOOD. THAT'S THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE AFRICAN AMERICAN COMMUNITY.'

after they replied " what you saying pops? yo?' he went on telling them ' I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOU ALL FOR THE LAST FIVE HOURS TALKING ABOUT ' SHOOTING THIS, SHOOTING THE COPS THAT. DEALING ROCK THIS AND THAT. CALLING YOURSELVES NIGGER THIS AND NIGGER THAT. ALL THAT ENERGY Y'ALL SPEND DEALING AND SHOOTING YOU COULD BE SPENDING IN COLLEGE GETTING YOUR DEGREE. THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR YOUNG BLACK MEN LIKE YOURSELF NOT TO GO TO UCLA AND GET YOUR COLLEGE DEGREE. ITS NOT LIKE WHEN I WAS GROWING UP IN THE 60'S ANYMORE- NOTHING IS STOPPING YOU, YOUNG BROTHERS.'

anyway, driving west and half tired by this time, I never realized that they had border patrol stations in new mexico. I still remembered the one at fort stockton in texas when the greyhound bus passed through, also another one at van horn in texas. sort of forgot which one was on the way there and which was on the way back east, as much like the story of my fucked up piece of shit life both before and after transition, that trip to redding california failed and I once again returned to the easy life , financially, of living with my elderly parents even though I hated fucking orlando to the max. a place which at the time had more then its share of FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS TRYING TO GET THE LOCAL , MOSTLY REPUBLICAN , POLITICIANS TO SEE THINGS THEIR WAY.

passing through the border patrol station roughly about 25 miles west of las cruces on interstate 10, when the young cocky prick wad of a guy with shaved head and military style attitude problem stopped me, I did not hear his first question which was ARE YOU A US CITIZEN and forced him to repeat it again. of course I answered thr truth, ' yes I am' , at which time he decided to ask, seeing my connecticut license ' tags' or plates, ' WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM?' [ LAS CRUCES NEW MEXICO] ' WHERE WERE YOU COMING FROM BEFORE THAT?' [ CONNECTICUT BY WAY OF ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO]. ' WELL YOU HAVE A NICE NIGHT, MA'AM. ' [ YOU TOO OFFICER]

the next day after sleeping in that tiny rest area on the west side of US 280, I headed toward silver city; a place where my friend warren's old navy friend bill is reported to be living homeless; he's got a post office box there according to warren. everybody said it was a really awesome artistic town , small but quite liberal and full of older hippies and vietnam veterans, or ' soldiers of fortune'. there I camped in my car for the next six days up in the gila national forest close to the gila cliff dwellings at the forks' campground [ pronounced Hee-la by the way].

the next few days I did more hiking than I have done in a long time. not since briefly living back in western new york and going hiking along the finger lakes trail in letchworth state park, a trail which basically runs close to the ' grand canyon of the east'. a huge canyon about 500 feet deep running along the genessee river flowing northward toward lake ontario from south of genessee, pennsylvania and wellsville new york in the allegheny mountains of western pennsylvania.

one day I hiked nearly 12-1/2 miles along the west fork trail toward big bear canyon and along the meadow trail before going back to the west fork trail. this after just two days prior hiking the eight miles double E canyon loop and also doing a four mile hike up and back on big bear canyon trail the first time. I also visited the girl cliff dwellings twice, going on the ranger-led information tour once at the top of those gila cliffs by the cave dwellings.

leaving the gila national forest silver city, I headed toward the tiny town of glenwood, a place which like silver city I found to be quite friendly despite my being a half passable transsexual woman. I also camped in the car a few days near glenwood, hiking the catwalk trail leading up through that steep gorge following a flowing brook all the way to the top along well-maintained forest service trails and a literal steel mesh catwalk with a swinging bridge.

that night I camped again at the forest service campground just outside of glenwood. next day I headed up and over that steep and narrow road , state road 159 which becomes only one fucking lane with no guardrails as you cross over the mountains and into the tiny ghost town of mogollon [ pronounced Mug-eee-an]. from there I continued up well into the higher elevations at well above 9,000 feet above sea level; crossing the continental divide several times as I slowly drove along what was now a dirt road leading through the ponderosa pines and aspen trees already beginning to change colors.

somehow I got lost somewhere up around snow lake and ended up on forest road 28 ; following the free map the forest ranger gave me after explaining that they have a 15-day camping limit forest wide in the gila national forest [ when I was stupid enough to mention that I was living in my car temporarily]. anyway, the road I followed landed me out by some ranch, so I backtracked as darkness set in and came back to forest road 28; then followed that and some other road; eventually getting to state highway 12 near old horse springs; at which point I headed toward datil-another 29 miles north. I camped in the cold car at a campground by datil wells national recreation area that night for half price; a benefit afforded me by my national parks and forests advantage passport only available to those with a disability. you need the medicare card to get one of those; they are similar to the golden age passport for those 62 years of age or older.

the next day I got to see datil, a small crossroads town located at the junction of SR 12 and US highway 60; I did not go to datil wells though which was a short hike from the campground. headed east on highway US 60 , I got to see those huge radio telescopes that make datil new mexico famous; the VLA which stands for very large array. located off SR 52 on SR 166, it is open to the public from like 8 AM to 9 PM. it is a place where astronomers from around the world, as well as astronomy students and professors from the Socorro branch of the university of new mexico, perform scientific experiments to learn more about our own milky way, solar system, and other far off galaxies as well.

in order to do this they use radio wave frequencies which are transmitted out into space from these huge telescopes weighing as much as 200 tons and measuring about 54 feet in diameter. some of the findings they have discovered have been that the planet mercury actually has polar ice caps similar to our own planet earth and that there are clouds and weather systems similar to earth on pluto, I believe.

from there I headed back to SR 52, a state highway which literally becomes a gravel and later dirt road as you turn right to go south.I then followed it all the way southeast as it passed for miles through huge cattle ranches rolling up and down through the now open countryside. this till I got to the next town on the map called winston; a place with no gas stations and little else of anything besides a fucking saloon. 48 miles of dirt road from the intersection or SR 162 by the very large array; to you come to the junction with route 59! new mexico is one of few states I have seen where state highways can be dirt roads; the others being colorado and northern california. eventually I came to cuchillo and then continued all the way till I almost got to truth or consequences. there I pulled the car over and decided to camp another night in the car at the junction of SR 161 and SR 52. the next day I drove down into elephant butte, getting the car washed at a self serve car wash in order to get rid of all that dust. those miles of dirt roads literally left a film of dust inside my car.

the next morning, sunday,I had awakened to a couple of cop cars at the corner of SR 52 and 181 near truth or consequences. unsure if they were about to hassle me for sleeping in the car at that pull off , i simply ignored them; later realizing that they were having some sort of race that day they were getting set up for. i ended up driving down route 181 a little; at which point I took care of my usual grooming routine before heading out toward the city of elephant butte; finding a car wash so as to wash off all that nasty dust accumulated from driving miles of dusty dirt roads the two days before.

basically my idea was to check out in more detail the cities of elephant butte and truth or consequences; the latter of which here in new mexico is called T or C for short. elephant butte seemed to be a very CONSERVATIVE PLACE; full of all sorts of gospel and evangelical churches and retirement communities. going into mc donalds to eat later that sunday morning, I said to myself " THIS HAS TO BE THE FIRST PLACE HERE IN NEW MEXICO WHICH IS ABOUT AS REDNECK AS BACK EAST IN BATH AND WELLSVILLE NEW YORK WAS." " but" I continued to myself as I too often do. " I guess this is to be expected; as motorboats and rednecks seem to go together like they did back in southbury connecticut in places like lakeside down by lake zoar."

I followed route 179 into elephant butte, then drove along route 51 all the way out to some town called engle, a tiny town located about 19 miles west of both T or C and elephant butte out in the middle of the desert. then I turned around and went back in to elephant butte toward the huge dam across the rio grande that creates new mexico's largest lake- the man made lake called elephant butte lake.

there at the dam overlook I learned from the park service officer as to what was going on that day. they were having a triathlon; a race in which the participants swam two miles across the lake, then rode a bicycle for a set amount of miles; finishing up with a road running race of five kilometers. the people watching the race from the dam overlook seemed to be, for the most part, quite friendly toward me like so many I had met here in new mexico since coming into the state. this despite of my half passable transsexual status.

later that day I went into truth or consequences to explore the town; a town made up of a small artist community mixed , of course, with a latino barrio full of mexican-americans ; along with both retirees and its share of fucking rednecks. truth or consequences was one of the three places here in new mexico I had thought about living in since quickly leaving albuquerque- albuquerque being a place I maybe should have given more of a chance to before hurrying to get on the I-25 freeway and heading south.

after exploring truth or consequences and seeing all those " new mexico meth watch" signs all over the place- I quickly got the impression that T or C had its share of problems despite having a well thriving artist community downtown in the hot springs historic district.

needless to say I got back on the freeway that afternoon and drove back toward the place I knew best that had a small gay community with a thriving LGBTQ center; a city of about 97,000 and growing quickly called las cruces, which in spanish or espanol' means " the crosses" . I did not go all the way there that night; rather to the next rest area along I-25 about 20 miles north of the city where I ended up spending a much warmer night sleeping in my car after listening to sunday night football on the el paso ESPN affliiate on AM radio; KROD I think it is called. the same rest area very awesomely landscaped with all sorts of desert plants, trees, and other shrubbery native to the chihuahuan desert of Southern New Mexico USA and northern Mexico's state of chihuahua

the very next day I drove straight down into good old las cruces, or CIUDAD LAS CRUCES in espanol' as it is called. that day I went to the gay and lesbian center after first picking up a cup of coffee at the valero convenience store and gas station at the corner of three crosses road and north main street.

and so that it the story of how I ended up here in las cruces.

2011-11-01T18:08:00.000-07:00

GO FUCKING AGGIES. yeah it looks like the end to my long journey of being Homeless and Hopeless in the [ so called] Land of Opportunity called America. this to be the title of my second novel besides the still unfinished one titled Other Side of Gainesville that is still packed away in my Monroe, Connecticut Storage unit back east. I am so fucking glad to have gotten away from that god damn horrible homeless shelter back in brooklyn new york; the Institute for community living run by a so called non profit corporation of same name operated by peter campanelli- a catholic son of a bitch that the biased news writer [somebody that goes by the email of crichardson@nydailynews.com] at the new york daily news thought the most highly of by the way he praised this son of a mother fucking bastard in his article detailing the award that this son of a bastard bitch got from the american psychiatric association. [ perhaps more like the american psychological association]. little did he mention how things REALLY ARE on the INSIDE of the shelters that this supposedly not for profit corporation, scamming millions of dollars off the taxpayers of New York City and STATE.

for example, right now my friend Diane is still living at their women's homeless shelter located at 200 tillary street in downtown Brooklyn, NY. [ I left there on august 29, 2011- disgusted with both the fucking place and the whole god damn rat's asshole of a city I now refer to new york shitty. a name originally given to it by a Midwesterner I worked with years ago down in Orlando, Florida. the elevator of the eight story building, which houses both the ICL for women and a seperate men's homeless shelter operated by another so called non-profit CORPORATION called CAMBA on prince street across from the NYPD precinct [ CAMBA logo: where you CAN]; has been shut down since the beginning of september from what she told me. this for replacement because the god damn thing was nothing more than an old piece of shit that kept breaking down about every two weeks.

like myself back at the end of august when, fed up with the whole god damn east coast and especially new york shitty and its mostly rude people, I heard the call of the great Lord COYOTE say Go back west, bitch; she is still waiting for that elusive housing package.

believe me I heard the same old shit from my fucking case manager I had during the 201 long days I spent at ICL tillary, the ghetto princess named bronique braithwaite [who had been known to favor certain clients, as residents of ICL tillary were called, over others]. in fact the words she said to me when, on the friday preceding that monday I finally got in my honda accord at exactly 11:22 PM on that still warm monday evening of august 29 and jetted down the brooklyn-queens freeway
[ expressway ]toward eastern long island's rolling pine barrens, were similar.
[ quote] are you sure about this?[ unquote] she said when I walked into her office the friday before hurricane irene blew through new york city and up into connecticut; bringing high winds and heavy rains- the worst of which devastated CONNECTICUT and long island's east end causing downed trees and major power outages.[ quote] YOU KNOW THAT YOUR HOUSING PACKAGE WAS APPROVED AND YOU'LL SOON BE GOING FOR YOUR HOUSING INTERVIEW WITH THE DHS {new york city department of homeless services-a major bureaucracy that oversees all the homeless shelters in the city of new york}[ unquote].

PERSONALLY I DID NOT CARE. this being something that this cunt and a half of a mother fucking case manager had been telling me since the middle of may 2011. I felt I was not losing out on anything; this even though ahead of me on that august evening of the 29th lied more than 2,000 miles of uncertainty as I first drove east to revisit eastern long island's hamptons and montauk before driving up to my sister in law's home in bridgeport, connecticut's creme de la creme neighborhood of black rock. a place I spent a week at after first camping in my car for a few days at the beautiful connecticut welcome center/rest area off exit 2 of the I-84 Yankee Freeway.

I knew that I wanted to go back to the west; this since my mom had died of old age at age 90 in parker jewish institute- the totally awesome new hyde park, new york
[ queens] nursing home where she spent the last year of her life. this at 3 Pm on june 30, 2011. there was nothing left for me back fucking east besides my sister in great neck on long island; my sister in law in bridgeport connecticut; and my two friends also in connecticut; warren up in avon; and james in wallingford. the last being the infamous author of two awesome must read books titled THE WOOLRIDGE TALE and THE LONELY HILL. both of which can be found at www.publishamerica.com and perhaps on amazon.com as well.

that night as I left brooklyn at exactly 11:22 PM [ when that old crack addicted black woman panhandler with the amputated leg in her wheelchair rolled up toward my car at the red light on the corner of tillary and navy street near the R.W. Ingersoll housing projects ; prompting me to quickly roll up my fucking window], I had my sights set upon albuquerque. new mexico's largest city and one which has a large lesbian and gay community in it. how I ended up here in las cruces[ the city my sister cautioned me to stay away from due to its proximity to El Paso in western texas and its crime infested sister city south of the Mexican border called ciudad juarez]? well after staying about 5 days with my sister in law in Bridgeport, CT, I drove off at around 8:30 PM on Thursday Sept. 8. this after downing two huge cups of coffee, saying goodbye and thanking her for helping me out once again; passing by long island sound for one more look at the east coast, then stopping at the westport mc donalds one more time to grab a few mc chicken's to eat along the way.

the time now about 9:15 PM,north along familiar roseville road I headed,driving toward cross highway, turning left, right onto Weston road[ which becomes route 57 and later route 53] and onto the westbound Merritt parkway[ Connecticut route 15]; an old fashioned expressway designed for passenger cars only which,when completed in 1939; was one of the most modern superhighways in the united states of America besides southern California's Pasadena parkway[ now Pasadena freeway]also completed around the same time.

less than one hour later I was saying goodbye to the east coast which I knew all too well; an east coast I'd originally hoped to never return to when I first drove those back highways all the way west toward surf, california ; then up toward northern california's humboldt county and into rainy, but pretty and full of awesome people, central oregon.

passing at about 70 miles per hour through white plains, memories of the many nights spent with the boys and girls at the former border's books cafe in the westchester mall annex; well as that hot aguust late night with john at the lazy boy pub when I declared that I [ quote] was growing my hair long like a chick to let out my innermost personality [ unquote]; I soon was crossing the all too familiar TAPPAN ZEE BRIDGE and THAT NEARLY MILE WIDE HUDSON RIVER MADE FAMOUS BY BILLY JOEL IN HIS SONG TITLED NEW YORK STATE OF MIND.

from there it was north[ actually west in this section]onto I-90; a tollway otherwise known as the new york state thruway. [ made famous especially during the august 1969 summer weekend of that most famous of outdoor hippie music festivals-WOODSTOCK up in sullivan county's bethel, new york when the dude named wavy gravy declared [ quote] THE NEW YORK STATE THRUWAY IS CLOSED, MAN. CAN YOU DIG IT?
[ unquote]. quickly passing the first tollbooth which is now for commercial vehicles ONLY, I continued northbound on I-90 to the I-287 freeway; then headed south into new jersey's ramapo mountains where I stopped to get gas and use the ladies' room; then continued on toward the I-80 freeway and headed west into pennsylvania's pocono and endless mountains[ part of the allegheny chain, or northeastern Appalachian mountains].

about four hours later I was halfway through PA and just north of state college, home to the university of pennsylvania and the infamous nittany lions, an NCAA big ten football team which has been coached by the same head football coach since the middle 1960's. an 84 year old man they call the great Joe Pa, Joe Paterno. there I spent a warm and drizzly night camping in may car at a rest area, awakening around 8:30 in the morning to the most green, soft and rounded mountains one has ever seen.

Friday,September 9

from there I continued on I-80 west,soon crossing the eastern continental divide of 2,280 feet above sea level; watching as those allegheny mountains of western pennsylvania slowly tapered off toward the rolling allegheny plateau, or foothills, of northeastern ohio. there I stopped for gas in some small town called godfrey before continuing on toward akron and onto I-76 as I passed the once great industrial giant of america known as the good year tire company's corporate headquarters and former tire factory.

I then drove south on I-71, the hills getting smaller and smaller and the sun finally coming out for the first time since thrusday afternoon back in bridgeport. about two hours later I was passing through columbus in central ohio; by this time it was afternoon and the weekend rush hour traffic just beginning as I continued toward interstate 70 west and into indiana.

stopping for gas one more time at the ohio/indiana state line, westbound through gently rolling prarie and farmland as far as the eye could see I drove; hitting the later half of the rush hour traffic as I cruised through indianapolis at about 65-70 miles an hour. the sun setting as I left that city and continued toward Illinois where I stopped at a pizza hut in some redneck as all get the fuck out town called CASEY. a place full of pickup truck driving REDNECK ASSHOLES that is quite similar to effingham ; another hillbilly city about 30 more miles west which is home to a nearly 200 foot tall aluminum fucking cross dedicated to all the christian-redneck douchebags who wouldn't know Jesus if he came back to life from the dead and SPIT IN THEIR HYPOCRITICAL FACES.

now after 11:00 PM on a lovely , warm friday night in southern Illinois' REDNECK-DOM, heading into effingham, appropriately tiled THE CROSS-ROADS OF AMERICA because of its towering, million dollar monstrosity constructed by some midwestern industrialist desperate to publicly display his love for the long dead God figure called Jesus Christ; I got stuck in one big fucking hell of a late night traffic jam due to road construction along interstate 70 where it intersects with interstate 57
[ which will take you north to Chicago and south toward carbondale and Anna, Illinois and the southern Illinois' Ozark foothills.

now tired , soon as the next rest area came up, I pulled into it and , being the perpetual homeless bitch that I was for so long; parked the mother fucking car and spent a delightfully warm, late summer's night in the low 70's listening to the sound of those loud crickets mingling with the sound of idling tractor trailer trucks; the scent of those tall red oaks growing upon that gently rolling prarie invigorating my sense of smell.
saturday, sept.10
next day I had awakened to a busload full of midwestern high school boys headed for their saturday afternoon football game; getting a few stares of [ quote] what the fuck is that thing?[ unquote]by the looks of their eyes as I walked toward the women's room to finish brushing my teeth and change my clothes in the large, handicapped stall at the end. a few southern/midwestern style women also in there who gave some stares of uncomfortability but otherwise remained polite and did not say a word. [ my tits jetting out from my sleeveless top like rooftop headlights upon one of those four wheel drive redneck pick-em-up trucks pretty much telling the story as to why I was in that fucking women's room I am sure. negating the effects of the still remaining facial shadow even after two $100 sessions of laser hair removal done back in april and may at randee-elaine day spa at 180 7th ave. south in manhattan, new york city.].

back on the I-70 freeway and headed west toward saint louis, missouri; I exited at vandalia and took the old national road, US route 40, ten miles toward the hometown of country music superstar best known for her song titled REDNECK WOMAN; gretchen wilson of POCAHONTAS , ILLINOIS. 750 people, three bars to get all liquored up at on friday or saturday night, plenty of mother fucking conservative christian churches to get your god damn hung-over soul saved the sunday morning after, but NO FUCKING PUBLIC LIBRARY. oh yes, I forgot the country store, three antique shops[ one abandoned], a row of equally abandoned storefronts [ perhaps due to the effects of having two or three walmarts, all within 30 miles of pocahontas, illinois????], and yes, THE TOWN PARK WHICH IS NAMED AFTER WHO ELSE? DID ANYBODY SAY MS. GRETCHEN WILSON, HONEY? Gretchen Wilson park, which has a lovely fishing lake, ballfields, nice clean restrooms; you had to see those local folks passing by as they got a look at all those rainbow, gay pride bumper stickers on the back of my fucking honda accord. WHEEE-HAW Y'ALL.

remembering the route, for the most part, from when I first passed through pocahontas, illinois; north past the infamous powhattan steak house with its huge sized country breakfast meals like the one named GRETCHEN'S FAVORITE and another titled POCAHONTAS PRIDE[ three eggs, a humongous stack of pancakes, country fried steak with awesome gravy]; this time I did not stop to eat, but continued north toward state road 146 I believe, then west all the way into alton. a city where one of my former unitarian ministers at woodbury, connecticut's mattituck UU society, carol, had lived for some time before coming back east within 100 miles of her native new jersey.

while there I grabbed lunch at hardees'in godfrey, IL , a fast food place common to both midwestern, and southeastern states from maryland to florida; now owned by CKE enterprises- the same corporation which owns CARL'S JR. out here in the west which began in anaheim, california. from there I drove north along Illinois route 100, a road following the illinois river which resembles US route 9W in new york in the sense that it too has its cliffs known as the Palisades. getting into grafton, a tiny but very much artsy town located along the green banks of that mighty Illinois' river; I took the free ferry across that river into golden eagle and calhoun county. a place which has some of the highest rolling hills one will ever see between the green applachians near the east coast; and much dryer and browner pine tree and mesquite studded rocky mountains of colorado and new mexico.

golden eagle is one cool little town for sure. there is a small post office there and, right next to it, an old fashioned country store with a soda fountain dating back to the 1930's; the golden eagle general store which is filled with old bicycles and world war II era model airplanes hanging from the ceilings. though a little pricey at about $4.00, it serves one of the best old fashioned ice cream floats I ever tasted.

the young dude working there was very cool toward me, a self-proclaimed LIBERAL TO THE MAX living in the midst of a rather conservative, bible-belt farming region. this despite my obviously being a not that passable transsexual. his friend sitting there on a saturday afternoon was equally nice to me; this despite that CONFEDERATE FLAG BASEBALL STYLE CAP he wore as he sat waiting for his friend to get off of work in the old rocking chair. heading toward the golden eagle ferry which crosses the mighty old lady of middle america called the Mississippi river from golden eagle, IL into saint charles, missouri; I first drove around touring the local area. an area quickly becoming a connecticut or new jersey like semi-rural suburban bedroom community to many of saint louis' growing number of white collar corporate executives.

the ferry cost exactly $8.00, cheaper than the bridges in and out of new york city like the triboro at $10.50 and george washington now at $12.50. taking photos of the same Mississippi river that I crossed once before on the grafton-saint charles ferry the first trip from east to west coasts; as the boat prepared to dock on that much flatter and swampier missouri side; on the AM radio in my car was none other then my sister's favorite FOX NEWS host; glen beck. discussing the recent tragedy which happened in nevada when the mentally ill gunman walked in to an IHOP [ international house of pancakes] chain restaurant and opened fire. for a minute the little bit of redneck in me came out as I definitely agreed with him on position number three; that if a law abiding person with a gun and knowledge of how to shoot the God damn thing walked in- the son of a bitch would have been shot and taught a very valuable lesson right quick.

before leaving golden eagle , I questioned as to whether I should continue west toward Albuquerque? or stay in southern Illinois instead and make that my home. despite the rednecks, people in that part of Illinois are really quite nice; definitely VERY FRIENDLY WHEN COMPARED TO THOSE STUCK THE FUCK UP , UPTIGHT CORPORATE ASSHOLES IN CONNECTICUT AND MOSTLY NASTY BLACK BASTARDS IN NEW YORK CITY I LIVED WITH FOR NEARLY 7 MONTHS AT THAT SHELTER.

yet I continued on, getting gas once more in st. charles, MO before heading back east along the eight lane I-70 freeway into saint louis; then south along I-270 toward I-44; the route which will take you southwest through the ozark mountains.
[ by accident I ended up on I-64 west instead; going nearly 22 miles out of my way before turning back around and heading toward I-270 all over again. that sucked major ass, as by this time conserving gas began to become a major concern; the money in my direct express card account growing smaller as I traveled farther west.]

onward down I-44 west I drove, those ozark hills soon becoming mountains; the sky much clearer than it was back in illinois with those thunderclouds looming in the distance. finally the nearly full moon was out. exiting the freeway near rolla, missouri, I drove off down steeply rolling and surely winding and twisting country roads; hoping to find a place in that section of the mark twain national forest private enough where I could park the car and sleep for the night. instead I ended up on some state road leading toward a bridge and gate post of some army or air force base; having to back up and then turning around like the good old boys driving the four wheel drive truck ahead also had to.

needless to say I gave up and chose to drive back to freeway I-44; passing through lebanon, MO. a town I remembered as the hometown of katie hogden- a freaky but really fucking major bitchen' to the max young woman I used to stay up till the wee hours of the morning and chat with online in the old marilyn manson shitty chat back when I was still living as the M thing. sleeping once again at yet another rest area about 17 miles southwest of lebanon; the next day sunday sept.11/ [day four of the trip] I felt compelled to turn around and go back to lebanon just to see if it really was the redneck fucking shithole full of narrow-minded assholes that katie often said that it was.

she was 17 and a separated, semi-single mother of twins when I first knew her; first living in orange , texas; later returning at age 19 to Lebanon, MO where she grew up to try and make things work between the abusive fuckhead of a husband and father of her twins who'd often hit her. at that time, around 2002 or 2003[ when I was still living as 'It']she had a three bedroom apartment in lebanon which cost her only $350 a month. going so far as to offer me a place to live if I ever wanted to leave my mom's place where I had it easy for so many years in southbury, connecticut. to be honest, katie actually had a crush on me back then. as I remember she was bisexual, but much more into men than into women.

she also had an interesting life when I first knew her. I know she worked by day at a walmart as a cashier; also moonlighting as a stripper doing birthday parties and stuff. something that at the time and still to this day I think is cool; it showed that she was a feminist in a way. actually what it does show, especially to all the asshole fucking FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS WHO VOTE REPUBLICAN-CONSERVATIVE, is this. THAT A SINGLE MOM BORN AND RAISED IN A BIBLE BELT ENVIRONMENT[ like missouri or most of texas] WHO DROPPED OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE SHE GOT PREGNANT AT AGE 16 SIMPLY CAN NOT SURVIVE ON WALMART'S LOW WAGES.

it also showed that the more one grows up hearing about all the wonderful things that jesus did , from HOMOPHOBIC HYPOCRITES THAT WOULDN'T KNOW WHO JESUS WAS IF, UPON PAYING THEM ALL A PERSONAL VISIT ONE SUNDAY MORNING AT THEIR BIBLE-POUNDING EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN AND BAPTIST CHURCHES, HE SMACKED THEM STRAIGHT IN THEIR GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL FACES; the more one is likely to turn to ' satan' for comfort and allow this christian-invented character called ' satan' to show them the way in life. the late church of satan founder, anton szandor la vey surely was right when he said ' the more one is purged and scourged of ' sin' in their life by some white light religion; the more they will turn to the same life of ' sin' they were warned to stay away from. katie was actually a pagan-wiccan, much like myself.

that said, as 'frog', she saw me as so very different than the other [ so called] men she knew; I'm now so sure that she sensed that feminine side desperately trying to sneak the fuck out from behind the so called ' male' masquerade I had lived as for way too long. I used to ask her some of the most personal questions one could ask any woman from the perspective of who I was living as back then. namely my number one curiosity of all which was: WHAT DOES A WOMAN SOUND LIKE WHEN SHE PEES INTO THE TOILET BOWL? if I remember right, katie was one of few women that knew about my secret fetish [ or so I thought]. I believe I had told her that, just to see what it felt like [ back then as It] to be a woman, I would often go out of my way to find a suitable unisex restroom in public so that I could sit down to pee. I did tell her that I always did this at home, and yes; that somebody told me that I was more than likely TRANSGENDER.

yeah, as I drove around lebanon missouri, I thought about katie. she surely was right about the fucking place being a redneck shithole; a place where about the only thing good about it were those much cheaper than other areas of the USA rental prices. when I would tell her that one bedroom apartments, even then back in 2002-03, in danbury, conn. were renting for over $850 per month; she about shit after hearing that. lebanon surely was everything she told me it was, though. I walked in to get lunch at the wendy's and lo and behold; all these dumb as a dead tree stump by the looks upon their faces fucking hillbillies surely acted as if they done saw a fucking ghost.

for a moment I felt like saying I'M CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST'S FUCKING WIFE- YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLES. that or the sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania played by tim curry in the all time cult classic titled the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. a movie I just saw again during a friday night screening for members and allies at the new mexico LGBTQ center here in ciudad las cruces at 1210 north main street.

I felt like looking up katie and did upon my [ at the time] straight talk web enabled cell phone; a slow process which took over a half hour as I sat in my car at that rest area I slept the night before. but failing to get into yellowpages.com, I could not find her number. all that I could find was some comment about a now 26 year old single mom of five named Katie hogden asking a question about rentals in some nearby town close to Lebanon in Missouri. that and another one by woman of same name with ' Seattle Washington' as her hometown on Facebook or twitter- one of those. I take it she's still living someplace around that area of the ozarks? or maybe she moved to seattle area? Seattle would be more like her to be honest; katie was one of the kewlest women I even knew.

anyway, back onto I-44 west and headed toward Oklahoma. destined to save money for better things like gas and food, I exited the I-44 freeway in Joplin, Missouri; another town where a few of the goth kids between the ages of 16-23 I used to know lived in or nearby to. I-44 becomes the will Rodgers turnpike in Oklahoma, so rather then piss money away on tolls, I got off of I-44 and instead followed the former US-route 66 [ now MO-66; KS-66; and later OK-66] into the south-easternmost corner of Kansas; passing an old iron suspension bridge dating back to the 1920's and, upon entering Oklahoma- following a mostly dirt road with a one lane strip of concrete pavement running down its center that originally was the former US route 66 until being De-commissioned sometime in the 1960's when I-44 was built I'm guessing.

if I remember correctly, the old road then became US 261? when you turned left; then I followed that all the way to Oklahoma route 66; at which point the road turned to the west again and I continued following it all the way into both Tulsa[ the oral roberts university town] and later Oklahoma city- at which point I got back on I-40 west and continued all the way into texas. driving along the old US route 66, I got to see many small towns and one hell of a beautiful sunset. this as the surrounding landscape changed from the green, mostly pine tree covered ozark mountains of southwestern Missouri; to the dryer and dustier, yet equally hilly for the most part, ozark mountains of oklahoma. having never been through oklahoma, I did not realize that it was much hillier then its neighbor to the north, kansas- a state which actually does have rolling hills in many places, but can also be quite flat for miles as well.

now dark as I traveled west along I-44, I continued all the way into the texas' panhandle; camping out in my car at what had to be one of the most interesting freeway rest areas I ever spent the night at. built into the side of a dirt hill to both shield it from the winds and conserve energy, this rest area and texas' welcome center was a curiousity all in itself. the electric power used to run the lighting worked off of a wind-powered turbine designed to well utilize the constantly blowing winds coming off of those open plains of that western texas' desert landscape. that night I had seen the brightest full moon I ever saw. that morning I had awakened to a landscape of nearly barren plains stretching for what seemed to be endless miles; all the way toward the panhandle of oklahoma and maybe toward kansas as well.

september 12

now day 5 of my trip west, I continued west along interstate 40, stopping to get gas in a small town nestled among west texas dustbowl desert landscape called GROOM. A TOWN THAT, MUCH LIKE EFFINGHAM BACK IN ILLINOIS, IS FAMOUS FOR WHAT ELSE? ANOTHER GOD DAMN ILLUMINATED AT NIGHT CROSS TOWERING NEARLY 190 FEET ABOVE THE OTHERWISE NEARLY BARREN OF ALMOST ALL TREES EXCEPT FOR A FEW COTTONWOODS, LANDSCAPE. this one was erected by the knights of Columbus, supposedly as a symbol to all the so called unborn babies who died as victims of america's obsession with legal abortion. GAG ME WITH A FUCKING SPOON FOR SURE.

I had to see that cross, another one similar to the one back in effingham, illinois- about the same height tall, roughly 170 feet tall from what the sign said; this crucifix was dedicated to all the so callled ' innocent victims of american abortion.' [ I'm sure that the national organization for women would love this fucking thing; the asshole who built it as well.] much like the one back in Illinois, this one had all the ten stations of the cross surrounding it; each with its own lesson about one of the ten commandments.

the best part was the bronze statue of the ' WEEPING JESUS', COMPLETE WITH WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN ' UNBORN BABY' , OR FETUS TUCKED IN HIS HAND. WHAT A DEDICATION TO HOW THE CATHOLIC CHURCH RUN GROUP CALLLED THE KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS VIEWS A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE WHAT SHE CAN DO WITH HER OWN BODY.

like the cross garden back in effingham, IL this one as well comes complete with a gift shop and cafeteria serving meals for a donation. as a homeless transwoman I felt like going inside and seeing if they could help me out; this after viewing all the fucking coins of all denominations of money tossed into the fountain for use by the church group who runs this place. many senior citizens were also there, you had to see the way they stared at me upon seeing both my transgender asshole and upon reading all the gay/lesbian rights bumper stickers adorning the rear end of my honda accord.

watching the way those mother fuckers whom , I am sure, consider themselves to be holier than thou ' Christians' , look at me as if I was some sort of satanic plague released by the god of the jewish underworld beelzebub himself; one only has to wonder how jesus would feel toward many of the sons of bastards whom supposedly believe in his teachings and follow his path to the letter of the bible?

for the fuck of it I decided to text message my friend warren back in avon connecticut. his response being ' DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON. REMOVE YOURSELF FROM DANGER IMMEDIATELY.' MEANING GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT BIBLE BELT TOWN AND NORTHWESTERN TEXAS AS A WHOLE.

so I continued on, stopping next in amarillo, texas just to see that huge cowboy on the sign outside the big texan,a steakhouse made famous by adam on cable TV's travel channel in his show titled man vs food; well as by its great 72 ounce steak dinner challenge. if you can eat the whole fucking thing in one hour or less, the entire dinner not just that 4-1/2 pound steak; then you get the whole meal for FREE. walking into the big texan, suddenly I felt the eyes of many of the redneck cowboys there all over me- LOOKING AT ME AS IF I WAS SOMETHING WORSE THEN THE GOD DAMN GAY BUBONIC PLAGUE. seeing my fat ass in denim skirt, those mother fuckers did not know what to think; their PENISES and attached testicles OBVIOUSLY SERVING AS THEIR ONLY BRAINS.

THE PLACE ITSELF IS NOTHING MORE THAN A ROUTE 66 TOURIST TRAP BY THE PRICES OF EVERYTHING UPON THE MENU. manhattan new york city prices in the middle of the west texas bible belt's other hellhole called AMARILLO; lubbock texas- the hometown of both natalie maines of the dixie chicks well as the late buddy holly being the alternate bible belt hellhole in west texas. for the most part I've got to admit, people there were relatively friendly toward me- at least the women were.

taking a few photos of the big texan, I soon got back onto freeway I-40 and headed toward what I first thought was fixing to be my final destination; albuquerque, new mexico. about an hour later I arrived at the new mexico welcome center; a place where the butchy-femme looking woman working behind the counter seemed to welcome me with open arms. WHAT A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NEW MEXICO AND ALL THOSE BIBLE BELT STATES PRECEEDING IT I TRAVELED THROUGH. the scenery gets slightly greener in new mexico then it is in the more flat and dryer, with far fewer plants, desert high plains of west texas' panhandle. [ I'm sure because of the way all those Republican ranchers really adhere to the idea of 'sustainability' and 'green farming' by allowing their god damn cattle to chew up nearly everything in sight for miles and miles. hey its the governor rick perry and senator ron paul way. something to consider when voting for out next presidental canidate.]

continuing farther into new mexico till I passed the small town of santa rosa, that night again I slept in my car at yet another rest area. new mexico seems to have some of the nicest freeway rest areas around; only connecticut's rest areas seem to rival them[ along with the rest area close to dover in delaware where diane and I spent the night back during the fourth of july weekend- the first time I ever got away from that nasty god damn shelter for a few days; the second time I actually got a weekend pass during the 201 days I lived at that fucking CESSPOOL.

TUESDAY,september 13, 2011- FINALLY I MADE IT INTO ALBUQUERQUE.

that rest area was just 45 miles to the east of albuquerque; the place I had originally set my sights upon as my future place to call home. it took about 50 minutes in all to get to the lesbian and gay center in albuquerque; yet when I got there it was closed. what they actually have in ABQ as they call the city, is more of a ' vitural center'; that is a center online in which the members of said LGBTQ center meet once a week at different venues all over albuquerque; upscale yuppie-style restaurants and sports brew pubs- things like that.

albuquerque did not impress me much. rather it seemed to be everything that I was trying to escape from by leaving the east coast. it obvoiusly had its gangbangers by the looks of some of the los angeles style mexicans I saw driving low riders; the drivers in general seemed RUDE AND NEARLY AS MUCH IN A HURRY AS THEY ARE BACK IN NEW YORK AND CONNECTICUT.observing the women driving in their mercedes and BMW's; I very quickly got the impression that albuquerque is the yuppiedale of new mexico. just another big city where status symbols and what you do for a living is what life is all about.

after taking some time to explore the city, back onto the I-25 freeway I got; this time headed southbound as I saw that sign reading 'LAS CRUCES-218{MILES}'. southbound I drove as the more green landscape surrounding albuquerque quickly turned to a more dry desert landscape made up of mesquite trees and creosote bushes. nevertheless onward I continued till I got to truth or consequences at just after sunset; T or C being a place I had also considered as a future home after my friend warren told me that his old friend he was in the US Navy with, bill, had moved to from albuquerque because it was more affordable to live.

warren, meanwhile,who I was taking with on the cell phone until service cut out, was busy looking online to see what resources there were around there for gays. upon hearing that I had gotten back onto I-25 south and was now headed for las cruces, he told me ' I'm looking up my favorite word of all, GAY'. sure enough he found out that they had a place in las cruces[ which means ' The Crosses' in espanol` by the way]called the new mexico GLBTQ centers ; located at 1210 north main street in las cruces.

that night I again picked out a nice rest area about 20 miles north of las cruces to stay in my car at; something I'd been doing all the way west in order to maximize my money and make it last. this expecially considering that gas was at about $3.99 a gallon back in connecticut and $3.74 in new jersey; the rest of the way from ohio west it was between $3.42 and $3.59 until I got to las cruces where I paid only $3.29 a gallon.

wednesday, september 14.

I awoke the next morning to the bright southern new mexico sun shinning into my car. the overnight was for the most part very warm and in the mid to upper 60's. a huge thunderstorm bringing heavy rains did hit, though, sometime during the night at about 1 AM; making me thankful for having a ' roof over my head' ; my trusty honda accord 1996 that made it all the way out here despite my deepest fears that the timing belt may go at any moment. [ something I was also afraid of when I headed from western new york's town of bath; to denver in colorado last summer- hoping to call colorado home.

after close to 200 miles of hardly anything between belen, near albuquerque; and las cruces-the exception being the small town of truth or consequences and , farther up, Socorro; seeing las cruces was a welcome sight. exiting the freeway I-25 at US-70, I turned right and headed to the first gas station I could stop at to get myself some coffee; a vallero convenience store and gas station. walking in and getting some coffee, I asked the woman clerk ' how do I get to north main street, please?'; at which time she said ' this is north main'. I then told her I was looking for 1210, at which time she said the place was at 2700-something and that by turning right and heading toward town, that was where it would more then likely be at.

so I did just that and , sure enough, I found the new mexico GLBTQ center over by some car dealer's lot at the corner of chestnut and north main. walking into the center, I was impressed at how friendly the people were. especially after coming from new york city where I lived for the past seven months at a brooklyn shelter- what a pleasant change I told myself. this younger college student was working there as a volunteer that day; he being a student at the nearby new mexico state university where I am now online at after getting my student ID just yesterday. I'm enrolled to attend the dona~ana community college branch of NMSU in january; the start of the spring semester. this as a associate of arts major, something similar to liberal arts as right now I can not make up my mind between the AS degree program in media arts/digital arts[ something that I had considered studying at jamestown community college/state university of new york-cattaraugus county campus in olean, new york while living in wellsville last spring, located 34 miles to the east in rural and very conservative republican voting allegany county.]

anyway, I met another transgender woman that night at the LGBTQ center and we became quick friends. she even invited me to her apartment she just moved into so that I could take a shower , my first shower in about 6 days mind you. that right away gave me a good impression of las cruces. yet still I hadn't made up my mind and wanted to see what silver city was like; a small town in grant county about 110 miles northwest of las cruces. I was trying to decide between truth or consequences, silver city, and las cruces as the perfect place to live.

2011-04-05T19:52:00.000-07:00

I guess they do not have color featured here at the new york public library , midtown manhattan branch in the heart of " business city USA" . so how did I end up back east for the third time around? well that room for rent in littleton CO back in november panned out; all because of a fucking background check upon which an old case from my past life as " It" showed up; the christine larson harrassment/threatening arrest from west hartford CT back in 2003.

the gay man whose condo it was in which he had a room went over the background check , one costing $79.95 online which must've went so far into detail that I could only imagine; which his future husband to be. needless to say, his future hubby saw what he thought was a " domestic violence charge" upon my former life's record and that did me in.

refusing to then rent me the room which would have been like so close to arapahoe community college where I was all signed up to go in the spring semester to study creative writing in their AA degree program; I ended up moving out of that place in " repugnican-ville cowdale" kiowa, CO where I was rooming with that " silent type" named Jen. despite him giving me back the check, I added two and two and thought to myself " 48 miles one way to littleton from kiowa doe-fuck-ville[ 96 round trip] is way too far to travel to go to college.

that and I missed life in denver, going to charlies-denver , an awesome gay bar which had the best monday night football games in the " outdoor smoking area" , actually a huge tent made of plastic and , later that night; the weekly karaoke. I also missed spending football sunday's at HER bar- a mostly lesbian bar on east colfax ave right close to charlie's and the center[ LGBT] at 1301 east colfax ave.

being that it was not yet the middle of the month [ turned out that my food stamp case was never transferred over to elbert county, nor was the SSI/medical colorado supplement even done yet in denver county human services] , the DHS would NOT help me with finding a temporary place to live at the infamous aristocrat family motel run by the volunteers of america[ the same douchebags whom also run the sorry assed Institute for Community Living- a jackass of a women's shelter located at 200 tillary street here in brooklyn NY in the midst of " Da hood" between the 12th precinct of NYPD and ingersoll housing projects] .

the weather in denver turned suddenly, from the ohh so warm days we'd been having for so long to a winterly mix of sleet and snow; one which I did not really want to sleep out in the car out at the freeway rest area along I-70 near bennett that night in. needless to say, by the time I got to the catholic charities good samaritan house; they no longer had any more couchers and were sending people to the denver police station on cherokee by the US mint [ where they print the money]. so I drove there, meanwhile along the way calling that single women's shelter I had stayed at for the first six weeks in denver; the delores project on king street. they had no beds and also were referring people to the police station.

upon getting to the denver PD , I learned that because I did not have a colorado state ID/driver's license yet, one which stated that I lived in denver county as well; they COULD NOT HELP ME OUT WITH A MOTEL VOUCHER. [ nothing against mexicans, etc. but being that so many of them have children, they automatically qualify for housing help. and, like DANBURY CT AND NEW YORK CITY'S BROOKLYN, DENVER SURELY HAS MORE THAT ITS SHARE. ]

so I got into the car, crying and driving all the way to the LGBT center which was due to close at 8 PM. savannah- the tall lightskinned black woman working there whom was so nice to me suggested two options; the first being the $29.95 motel called the valley inn motel along sheridan road close to the US rte 36 freeway. the other being to spend $10 to get into the all-night peep show booths and then, view lesbian porno all night until I fell asleep in the booth. [ sounds crazy, but.......?]

after passing the valley inn but worrying about what would happen if I totally ran out of money and could NOT get help from the CO DHS, I ended up taking the wrong road and landed way the fuck up past boulder. here I was, calling my friend james back in connecticut and crying over the phone; asking him if I should just give up on denver and return to connecticut? or stay and tough it out, sleeping in the cold car if need be?

needless to say I ended up first in broomfield, CO at a fucking all night wal mart filled with friendly women, something that I now miss dearly about colorado in general in this cold assed of cold assed cities called NEW YORK NEW YORK. A PLACE FULL OF THE MOST UPTIGHT, STUCK THE FUCK UP WOMEN AROUND, MORE SO THAN CONNECTICUT'S FAIRFIELD COUNTY.

from there it was back down into denver as I tried really hard to make a decision as to whether to go? or to stay? I ended up taking one more trip through downtown denver, CRYING, and then getting up on I-70 east and going; worried about all my stuff in storage if my mother ever passed away and lot more.

2010-11-03T23:40:00.000-07:00

and so ,my fucking asshole of a roommate is now all pissed off at me , saying " you can't stay here because you did not pay the rent yet." originally I had said that , if everything went as planned, I would be moving out on nov. 4th ; as tonight I went to meet with the gay guy whom I am , hopefully , going to be renting a room from . thing is this, he wants to first do a background check , something I already knew he would based upon his asking for a copy of my driver's license / ID .

so what am I to do in the meantime? tonight at the littleton mc donalds I paid him , by money order, for the first month's rent ; $350 including all utilities as long as they average under the $120 / month they are now paying . [ he's figuring on the fact that I would be home all day and that may use more power . I'd agree of this possibility more based upon when I start arapahoe community college and may be up all night almost putting the final touches on either homework, or being that I'm enrolled in creative writing ; an essay that was due ]

meanwhile , here I am existing , barely , on $694 a month total income. being that I had to pay him up front , something that is hinging upon my successful background check clearance within the next 48 hours. that I do not have the address proof from the landlord [ him in this case who's renting me both a room and use of my own bathroom, share of all common areas ] may make things harder for me as far as trying to get the $200 security deposit help from arapahoe county dept of human services ; who will require this in order for them to help with the security .

and so here I am , waiting for approval, and in the meantime, getting asked by
" cunthole" , my fucking bitch of a 38 year old roommate named Jen whom I sincerely have no better name right now for ; to leave the premises. she forgets how I RUSHED INTO THINGS SO THAT SHE , WELL AS MYSELF , WOULD BOTH AVOID BEING HOMELESS ; as I was sick of the god damn shelter lifestyle and she fearful of having to go to a shelter and give up her 12 year old cat , Timon` , or
" moaney" for short because he meows a lot .

so now I am perplexed as to what to do , she pushing me out and me having to fucking wait to see if everything goes as planned and I get that room in littleton . and truthfully , it would take her a while to evict me anyway , so what am I getting so worried about ? a few more days over the rent is due by the nov. 4th date- tomorrow/thursday , say till monday the 8th at the latest ; maybe not so bad .

I don't want to hurry up and start packing all that soon in case I do not get this place. he did say that he's only concerned about what, if anything crime wise, has happened in the past three years. so the best thing I can do is just to ignore and stall this bitch named Jen - being that she wants and has wanted me out since two weeks after we moved in together. she was " expecting somebody quiet and drama free" she said ; all because she does NOT have the brains to understand what I meant in my craigslist ad " seeking roommate " by the words " emotionally intense" [ " EMOTIONALLY INTENSE AT TIMES" MEANS THE SAME AS DRAMA QUEEN - YOU GOD DAMN BRAIN-DEAD MORON OF AN IRISH PRINCESS TURNED FAT PILE OF ROTTEN PUMPKIN WASTE ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS; AND GOOD FOR NOTHING MORE THEN WATCHING CRIME DRAMAS ON TV AND WORKING WITH THE DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED FOR $12 FUCKING DOLLARS PER HOUR, PART TIME WITH NO BENEFITS TRAVELING ALL OVER SHITHOLE ELBERT AND DOUGLAS COUNTIES. ]

and so , I hope that everything goes well , I mean now I had to text message this guy whom was willing to rent the room to me and tell him this .

meanwhile, in other things , I did it. I self castrated my fucking god damn left over parts , those nasty shrunken but still refusing to die completely testicles left over from my former life as the biological " male" I was born as and automatically assigned to for " gender" at birth.

how I did this? well I had been planning this for a while ever since I read the article in the online encyclopedia called WIKI ; the one titled " castration " that , after having to ask the librarians back at the david howe library in wellsville , NY to override their censoring filters installed on all their public access computers; I then downloaded and printed out .

one of the tricks suggested was to use something called an " elasticator" , which is essentially a rubber band clamp which is often used to castrate biologically male farm animals . the trick used is to first wrap this band around the base of the testicles and then pull it tight till you effectively shut off the blood supply to the scrotum ; something they warned would be excruciatingly painful at times but would definitely destroy the god damn things within 12 to 24 hours' time.

the " balls" then will turn first blue, later on completely black from a lack of blood supply and oxygen and wham- the fucking testicles die and a form of " dry gangrene" will set in ; causing them to eventually fall off .

after reading this article , I then went to the wellsville Kmart and , asking the clerk in the auto section where I could find those plastic pull-ties which are used to hold wires to pipes , I bought a plastic jar full of them for about $7.95 plus tax .

these I had stored and carried with me , saying that one day when I finally moved into a permanent place , I would then perform this off and on painful act of self-castration . I was not very happy with the fact that, even after 4 fucking years of chemical castration using the spironolactone - a commonly used androgen blocker which blocks the biological male hormones called androgen's and , in turn shuts off the production of testosterone in the testicles ; the resulting consequence being sterility and the death of both sperm and ugly body hair growth [ in all areas but the face area/beard - which it only reduces ] ; that I was still getting those disgusting erections from time to time and sometimes nearly daily.

that and the disgusting feeling of these squishy things taking up unnecessary space between my legs and even preventing my pee from flowing out quickly like a woman's is supposed to .

and so , being prepared for the inevitable pain that was to come with those hydrocodone pills[ for pain] and the antibiotics I had from the dentist when I went the previous monday for a toothache [ which I never went back for after the pain ended] ; at about 4 PM on sunday october 24 during the broncos football game's halftime , I took those pull ties out from that container and proceeded to do my own " operation" , so to speak .

this damn well knowing that 1. I may need to go to the emergency room at the local hospital afterward once infection set in - something that was highly possible; and 2. there was a very good chance that, if I went to the ER , I would probably end up being committed to the psychiatric ward for " mental health observation" .

being that I was sick and god damn fucking tired of carrying around those two, useless bags of shit down there[ nor the god damn piece of shit penis] that I had no use for anymore, being legally a woman, also that I could not afford the $3,000 plus needed to go down to trinidad , colorado to see Dr Marcy bowers [ now believed to have moved to San Francisco CA where she still practices sex change operations] ; into my own hand I took matters.

grabbing those pull ties out , I looked for the longest one which would fit the best. then I first tried to wrap one around the base of those disgusting , now mostly shrunken testicles ; which did not work very well. so, I then took two of them and, hooking them together , managed to slip the resulting loop around successfully on the third attempt ; at which time I both held the thing in place and fucking PULLED IT AS TIGHT AS I COULD ; SQUEEZING THE GOD DAMN SCROTUM AT THE BASE VERY TIGHTLY SO AS TO " CHOKE" OFF THE SUPPLY OF BLOOD TO THE GOD DAMN TESTICLES .

I then took another one of those plastic pull ties , this time just one single pull tie and, wrapping that one around the same base of the scrotum , pulled that mother fucker really tight till I again heard it snap into place . I then began to take enough of those hydrocone pain pills, well as those antibiotics to prepare for the pain and possible infection to set in .

I went back to the broncos game, one which they were losing and, doing my best to take my mind off the throbbing , off and on again pain spells by telling myself
" this is for the best " , I made it through the rest of the fucking night without my asshole roommate , Jen , knowing a god damn thing as to what I was up to .

there was another football game on the radio online on WFAN-AM 660 from New York, NY . so I just laid down on my air mattress and passed the time listening to the next game , something that helped me to forget about the off and on pain which continued hard for the first 6-7 hours, slightly subsiding before getting worse again untill the full 24 hour period was over.

within 12 hours' time , those fucking testicles had turned black and were getting quite numb - the much desired result . all the while I prayed to the goddess of wiccan lore to get me through this and to a new realization of my true feminine self. THAT WORKED QUITE WELL . I did not wrap that pull tie around my " hose" because I knew that I absolutely had to still be able to pee when necessary. needless to say that the whole shaft was pushed inside behind the testicles- something that would later create problems.

and so, by 4 PM on the next day, those fucking balls had literally inflated to about 5 times their usual, post hormone treatment size . the skin of the scrotum was now beginning to crumble apart from where the blood vessels had exploded through the skin surrounding those disgusting lumps of useless shit called testicles. blood was now pouring out into my panties stuffed with huge lumps of toilet tissue so as to sop up the blood from those now bloody testicles all black in color .

meanwhile , I stayed as silent as I could with the help of the many hydrocone pain pills I had been taking all through this experience , also with the help of those antibiotics like my friend, richard , back in bath new york had told me to take if I was to attempt this self castration ritual .

later on that night at about 12 midnight , the pain and bleeding became so bad that it became obvious I would have to go to the emergency room at the nearest hospital . still I held out as best as I could , thinking that I was too tired to risk driving to the hospital ; and that if I were to have called the fucking Kiowa , CO ambulance , those rednecks would be sure to make sure that I was definitely committed to the mental ward . that , or maybe take me out on some rural dirt road and well ....." kill the fucking faggot trans-testicle bastard " just for the fun of it while all their macho male fireman buddies cheered them on , revving their pick up trucks loud as they could ; whooping and hollering.

looking online , I saw that the nearest hospital to fucking rural kiowa is over to the west in parker - 35 miles away and called Sky Ridge Medical center . and so , taking more pain pills , I returned to bed and planned on going by myself the very next morning . which I did, as I awoke before my asshole roommates' annoying alarm that she never shuts off just to annoy me ever the more every day.

so , up by about 6:30 AM , I hurried to get myself all shaved and dressed , packed three days worth of clothing; then ate and drank my coffee and was out of the house before the bitch was even up. this being tuesday morning . I then drove west on SR 86 all the way to the I-25 freeway north , exiting at the exit for sky ridge hospital before then getting back on and deciding my best bet was to instead continue north to denver and go to denver health hospital .

which I did , stopping at burger king to eat two quick whopper jr. hamburgers before continuing on down west colfax to bannock st ; turning right to get to denver health at the corner of bannock and speer blvd.

2010-10-20T17:41:00.000-07:00

and so, onward goes the saga between " Ms. Cuntwipe" , my terriffic roommate named Jen , whom with there is NO CONVERSATION, and I . every fucking day it is like this , today for example , when I said in general " oh? so this is what that Tv show you like, ' sons of anarchy' is like? huh? " ; the fucking major bitch just turned her nicotine- saturated brain and gave me that " look of despise" that she is so fucking good at . I HATE THIS FUCKING CHICK'S GUTS TO THE MAX .

in other things , I am still awaiting a call back from Kristi , a woman whom called my number in the craigslist ad " seeking compatible roommate closer into Denver - littleton area " whom with I must've talked for over 2 hours yesterday . she has a room for rent in her englewood condo , close to Lincoln ave and about a 10-15 min drive [ depending on " Pig" speed trap situations and how many ex- Californians are on the road hogging the fucking left lane doing the speed limit like they are so good at ] called later and told me that her niece had been in a car accident and she had to get to the hospital .

and so, I am still waiting, wondering if she too, is another " jen" or not . I mean we seemed to be able to talk freely on the phone, something which is SO DIFFERENT FROM JEN'S " STUPID AND IGNORANT " BITCHFACE STYLE OF PERSONALITY .
[ Jen's favorite shows on TV are NCIS and CSI , well as sons of anarchy - all fucking crime dramas. this is usually a sign of an idiot I have found , one who is too stupid to even have half a brain and lives in " fear" of everything bad that he/she watches on the " garbage vision " called the TV .]

meanwhile , I've had other roommate situation offers, one in N aurora with a gay couple interested in renting a room, another being a mom with her older son living in basement apt .

we will see. I do know that I am ready to vacate " KEN BUCK FOR SENATOR " REPUG-NICAN country as soon as possible . DENVER BABY . IT'S THE SHIT - FER SURE- TOTALLY

2010-10-19T15:39:00.000-07:00

and so, on monday morning the god damn roommate from fucking hell says " this is not going to work , you have to find another place." funny I was already thinking the same thing about jen, the silent one whom you will never know what she's thinking. she then went on saying " you said that you were drama free and a quiet person, but you're not." EXCUSE ME?? what part of " highly emotional" and "controversial, talkative" says anything about my being some quiet little churchmouse? ; which she definitely is.

this fucking chick has few brains , if any at all. I don't even think that she can read on a 6th grade level , a trait typical of those whom like to watch, on TV, crime drama shows like CSI and NCIS .

and so , I wanted to place the ad on craigslist sunday night , but the fucking thing did not work because of " Ms. Paranoia's " firewall obviously. well yesterday , while in denver , I went to the denver public library , the main one on broadway and 14th ave . and I placed the ad , and when craigslist erased it due to their new
" authentication software". I asked the librarian if I could stay on another half hour; in which time I got it done.

needless to say, in less than an hour when I first got up to charlie's , a denver gay bar where I was fixing to watch football; this woman called me on my cell , kristi, saying that she had a room for rent and would rent it for less than the original $500 she was asking . she said she'd let me have it at $350, which was what I stated in my ad I could afford.

she and I seem to be, so far, compatible . like me, she talks, she has no problem watching football. the best part is that she is in englewood, which is about a 15 min drive to littleton and arapahoe comm. college ; and within a half hour of downtown denver, the LGBT center, and all the east colfax gay bars.

I have to go and see this place. I AM DOE FUCK READY TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF KIOWA, AND DEFINITELY FAR AWAY FROM JEN, THE " VIRGINIA SLIMS SMOKING CHIMNEY"

Jen: outdoor smoker? my ass you are . bitch.

2010-10-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

and so , here I am expected to fucking pay for half this cable bill of about $60 plus taxes a month, and here I have to " yield to the [god damn] princess"; my fucking
" silent treatment " when pissed off at me about something roommate named Jen.

yeah, last night she had to watch all her fucking " cunty" ass shows on the TV , of which we have only one in this apartment because there is only one cable outlet connection. and here I had to meekly ask the princess to fucking use her god damn radio [ AM/FM ] so that I could WATCH MY MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL GAME BETWEEN THE NY/NJ JETS AND THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS.

and yes, watch the fucking awesome player, but otherwise arrogant macho male asshole named Brett Favre- the same ex- jets and , before that, green bay packers; quarterback whom sent some sort of lewd comment to some female official on the jets football team - LOSE IN THE LAST FEW MINUTES OF THE GAME AFTER FIRST CATCHING UP.

yeah " Ms. prissy panties" and I can NOT seem to agree on anything , I hate all of her fucking pig [ cop ] shows and she hates NFL and NCAA football . that and my big fucking politically incorrect mouth which is usually always criticizing something political or otherwise; something that she does not do because , ummm, like so many biologically-born females ; her mother taught her not to ever do because it'd make her " less desirable" as future marriage [ to a man] material , I am sure.

so you can see where the fuck this whole roommate arrangement is going ? se` ? or no` ? [ to the shit pits of fucking southern baptist hell's hottest fires. ]

at least she has been nice enough to me to allow me to use her older PC computer which I am on right now . this is the good side of living with " Ms. prissy pumpkin" . everything else seems to SUCK - AT LEAST EVERYTHING EMOTIONAL AND FRIENDSHIP-WISE FROM WHAT I CAN SEE AT THE MOMENT .

and to dare to ask her any fucking question now, even in a nice, polite manner? you got it; it's like I am annoying her.

oh well, as I have always said , " you can't really tell if you are going to fucking hate or like/love somebody until you become roommates ; or more, as in for better or for worse."

as for kiowa? well there seem to be a lot of nice people here , at least in the more " professional " sense of nice. yet there seem to be also a lot of ignorant christo-fascists as well ; close knit townies set in their evangelical , fundamentalist- christian mentality ways.

as for roommates? hell I think I may have been far better off living with some loudmouth lesbian -oriented football lovin' DYKE than Ms polly prissy panties
" good girl" , jen. that or some politically charged feminist woman who'd love to both watch football [ maybe basketball, baseball, or hockey which I could learn to like; or even golf ] as well as watch the rachael maddow news show on MSNBC ; badmouthing fundamentalist " christian" assholes like sarah palin as we
watched .

somebody whom I could have an INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION WITH INSTEAD OF SOME " DUMB" ACTING FORMER WIFE OF A MAN WHOM LEARNED HER ROLE IN LIFE QUITE WELL.

I NOW SORELY MISS DENVER , a place which was so much more progressive than this rural fucking hamlet called kiowa situated among the cattle-deforested, windy year round, high plains of eastern colorado.

I will be going there tonight, I hope. to my weekly womyn's circle lesbian group . it will be nice to see some REAL WOMYN for a change than the always quiet and
" private" priss pot I live with .

2010-10-11T18:07:00.000-07:00

and so, one fucking week with Jen, living in this jack-asshole small town called Kiowa , Colorado [ 97% REPUBLICAN] and the shit seems to be hitting the fan faster and splattering even farther .

OUR PERSONALITIES CLASH , she, the fucking typical " good girl" , working class, boring family type; me the highly outspoken " I don't give a fuck what y'all mother fuckers think" type .

true, in some ways this chick's been nice to me , letting me use her fucking old computer [ a dell PC which I am on right now], but here I am expected to pay 1/2 of the fucking god damn cable bill of $60 a month , and here I can NOT even watch my NFL games because..........well, she's got to watch all her " cunty" shows; from asshole NCIS government cop [ pig] bullshit to every god damn stupid show designed for the average brain dead american working class asshole .

and she surely seems to be very much all that, one of the " average, all american douchebags" whom are well-skilled, UNLIKE ME, at blending in with the status quo . in other words, an average , heterosexual woman and a schmuck to the max at times.

as if it is not bad enough to be over 45 miles away from Kiowa to the one place I have any of a half assed attempt at a social life- DENVER ; an hour and one half drive at the " go the god damn speed limit " pace that so many of these Coloradans seem to inefficiently drive at; I can't even watch many of my games unless she is NOT at home .

jen, a 38 year old woman whom wears very little, if any makeup and never any lipstick, has blond half about 6" below her neckline , and is slightly plus sized[ not sure why as it takes this fucking girl over 20 minutes to simply fucking eat a six-inch sub LMAO. much like cinderella the fucking little femme princess fauntleroy from the other side of the tracks ] ; at first seemed rather kewl when we talked on the phone.

BUT NOW I AM SEEING THAT , MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, I MADE A HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE WHEN I THOUGHT SHE AND I WOULD INSTANTLY BECOME A COMPATIBLE ROOMMATE ARRANGEMENT.

Lynda, a really nice and kind of super-cute for her age femme tomboi - the womyn whom is the facilitator of the lesbian social group which usually meets at the
[ LGBT] center in Denver on east Colfax ave/Lafayette st. every tuesday evening, at first of her hearing of my new roommate possibility said to me " it sounds like you two compliment each other" .

this upon my telling her how we talked for over three hours on our first phone conversation during which I ran up too many minutes on my sister, linda's, cell phone family plan with Verizon wireless.

BUT NOW I AM WONDERING , AS SHE SEEMS TO BITCH AT ME FOR EVERY FUCKING THING THAT I DO ; FROM MY SWEARING WHICH SHE ASSUMES IS DIRECTED AT HER [ BECAUSE SHE IS A " KNOW IT ALL " STUPID BITCH AT TIMES]; TO MY CONSTANT CRITICIZING OF EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING .

I was hated by over half the women at that Delores project homeless shelter [ 1390 king st. Denver ] because of the way I am , yet liked by Linda and a few others there; many of whom who were just simply indifferent toward me and Linda whom often called me " sweetie" and one I wish that I had gotten her cell phone number from .

and I seem to be hated by most people whom consider themselves to be " normal" and well-adjusted , which may just describe Jen as long as she takes her fucking psychiatric medication [ anti-depressants ] ; something which I feel makes her MAJOR BORING AND WAY TOO FUCKING QUIET AS WELL AS UNABLE TO SHARE HER FEELINGS WITHOUT "SHUTTING DOWN"

no, I really feel that I made a big fucking mistake , both by thinking that jen and I would be able to work out ; along with wanting to move away from Denver where I at least had some form of a social life , gay/lesbian bars to go to like Her Bar on East Colfax Ave [ close to charlies- a mostly gay men's country-western themed bar as well as the Center ] , the transgender chat on thursday evenings , womyns circle on tuesdays . AND YES, KIOWA BEING 48 MILES ONE WAY DRIVE TO LITTLETON'S ARAPAHOE COMMUNITY COLLEGE , MAIN CAMPUS - I THINK I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE .

there is NOTHING in Kiowa for me . it is a boring, buck fuck hick town full of ranchers and their wives/girlfriends , some of whom can be friendly like Sheryl and the other woman working at the Elbert county dept. of human services ; others whom see me as the " gay agenda" out to corrupt their impressionable young children - boys whom , like their rancher fathers, wear their cowboy hats; women whom play the role of subservient wife/girlfriend to their rancher and firemanly-man, super macho husbands/boyfriends hell bent on being the
" All-American heroes" that are so typical of small town life all over America .

in many ways , it's like I left bath and wellsville new york only to return to another "Peyton Place" just like the one/s that I left back east in both Steuben and Allegany counties of western New York's Southern Tier. only difference is this; Kiowa's slightly more of a " live and let live" type of place so typical of rural colorado.

as for the local scenery ? well it is more like KANSAS than it is like the fucking Colorado of John Denver's Colorado rocky mountain high song. nothing but high rolling plains more typical of western Kansas but slightly more rolling [ more so as you head west on CO route 86 into Elizabeth- a slightly larger town which is growing at a rate and becoming more like the Southbury , Connecticut of Denver, Colorado's ex-urban area to the south of Parker, CO] , Ponderosa scrub pines mostly mixed with cottonwoods and other vegetation best suited to a semi-arid climate growing among high rolling sand hills similar to what can be found on New York's Long Island out in Suffolk County ; or down in Florida along US route 27 from gainesville to south of sebring and state route 40 between inverness/ocala and the oklawaha river's high sandy banks [ ocala national forest area]

the autumn foliage is at best lame when you compare it to what we had back in connecticut with its beautiful maples, white oaks, and other deciduous trees; or those fabulous hickories mixed with maples and red oaks in western north carolina and north georgia.

up in the colorado mountains , the aspen leaves turn an awesome shade of yellow, very much bright and sometimes slightly reddish; which, when set among those always green ponderosa and blue spruce pines; is quite bitchen' to see in late september.

but around here , it is mostly fucking cottonwoods , which turn yellow but are quite dull because of the drought conditions so typical to eastern colorado . AND, LIKE WESTERN KANSAS' SLIGHTLY ROLLING PLAINS , NOT MANY TREES GROW AROUND HERE EITHER.

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE MOUNTAIN VIEWS IN THE DISTANCE FROM KIOWA OF 14,140 FOOT PIKES PEAK WHICH IS WEST OF COLORADO SPRINGS BY 15-20 MILES, and the other views of the rocky mountain's front range seen better from elizabeth as you drive west on CO-86 toward castle rock; it is fucking UGLY . the god damn beef cattle seemed to have chewed up every fucking tree seedling for miles and miles on end around here in elbert county, CO .

and so , I feel that I made a big fucking mistake and, perhaps , should have stayed the fuck closer to DENVER . denver is actually a very green city with many trees and an even more progressive and gay-friendly population to boot. much the same as boulder, golden, other more expensive to live places closer to denver ; even evergreen , CO up in the mountains is nicer, majorly more progressive, then this piss-hole called kiowa.

OR MAYBE, JUST MAYBE ? I SHOULD HAVE STAYED BACK EAST IN CONNECTICUT - A PLACE WHICH , ACTUALLY , IS QUITE PROGRESSIVE IN MANY WAYS DESPITE NOT BEING AS FRIENDLY WHEN YOU FIRST GET THERE . [ NOT TRUE FOR ALL OF CONNECTICUT , AS OUT EAST BEYOND THE CONNECTICUT RIVER VALLEY AND AWAY FROM HARTFORD AND NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT CAN BE A LOT MORE SLOWER PACED.]

Connecticut is so expensive , but maybe if I had moved out toward eastern Connecticut around Putnam or Hampton [ both small towns which are close enough in to still enjoy CT's liberal lifestyle ] ; and done the roommate idea ; I could have instead gone back to college at quinnebaug community college in danielson and lived within a 30 mile drive of the very much gay to the max PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND .

this way I would have not had to worry about my Connecticut driver's license expiring in about 4 days, and the hassles of getting my fucking license here in colorado so soon. I am told, however, that it should be just about as easy to keep the " F" on my new CO license as it originally was back in connecticut , to bring those papers from that doctor just in case ; of which all I could find was the one I coated in plastic even though I knew that I had saved all the other copies from both dr johnson, PhD; and the ones from ward carpenter, MD at callen lorde.

as for Jen and I getting along ? that I do not fucking know. but I now can see why, just why , her fucking husband of 15 fucking long years [ Joe] simply said " I want a divorce" and then; got the fuck out of the situation.

I NEED A NICE DYKE TOMBOI TO TALK TO . NOT SOME PRISSY ASS HETEROSEXUAL BITCH WITH AN ATTITUDE THAT LEAVES YOU GUESSING WHERE YOU STAND LIKE JEN'S FUCKING ATTITUDE.

2010-10-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

and so I sometimes wonder if I made a big fucking mistake , both about moving to tiny kiowa from denver where I temporarily resided at the delores project shelter ; and more importantly; by moving in with this 38 year old jen as roommate . so far she is fucking way unpredictable and often acts dumb as a dead tree stump like some country hillbilly .

she acts, at times, like she is fucking annoyed with me , yet she never says shit . and yes, she is impossible to have an intellegent conversation with ; kind of fucking dumb like some dumb blue collar woman from the sticks.

so now I am wondering if I moved in too fast ? more later.

2010-10-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

" I'm a redneck woman - not no high class broad -I'm just a product of my raising- I saw hey y'all and hee haw. I keep my christmas light on- on my front porch all year long - and I know all the wards to every charlie daniels' song........"

song: redneck woman by gretchen wilson of pocahontas, Illinois .

yeah, jen and I just paid up , each, our fucking $325 for the half month's rent , and so, all we've both got to do is get the fuck down to the god damn douglas-elbert task force [ operated by sone jesus freak church called castle oaks church and located on park street in castle rock CO ] by 8:00 on monday morning ; a hard task for me since I will be fucking coming from denver and colorado is full of asshole california drivers whom DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE " EFFICENTLY" ON THE FUCKING FREEWAYS . [ hint: the left lane is for doing faster then the god damn posted speed limit , asshole. many new jersey driver's are just as bad on this rule] .

and so, where to go from here . will we both get along , me being the outspoken bitch whom will speak her fucking mind and swear like a lesbian sailor's parrot just for the fun of it . she's more the laid back type whom is a great listener , but has little to say . [ not sure if she's heterosexual or bisexual yet , I do know that she was married for quite a while to some dude .]

and will I, or both of us for that matter, be able to pay the rent every month on time . myself, I can not pay till the 3rd of every month because that is when my god damn SSDI check comes direct deposit into my bank . speak of which , I have to switch to a bank which is common to around here in colorado ASAP . this way I will not have to pay double fees , or look for a store with cash back; every mother fucking time I want to get money out of my checking account .

now sould I go back to fucking " wachovia bank NA " , which is now merged with wells fargo , a common bank out west here and they have one right inside the safeway supermarket ?

or maybe bank of the west , which has a location right in " downtown" kiowa, colorado - my new home about 50 miles southwest of denver ? kiowa is small , much smaller than bath new york [ about 10,000], or wellsville new york [ about 10,000] are. in many ways the size of the town reminds me more of a roxbury, connecticut , which had about 4,000 to 5,000 permanent residents in it , with one country store/gas pumps , like three churches, an elementary school and small roadside ice cream stand in roxbury falls . roxbury was fucking rich , though , and, similar to kiowa, very REPUBLICAN TO THE MAX .

AS THE ULTRA LIBERAL , PRO-ABORTION REGISTERED DEMOCRAT - I HAVE TO GET INVOLVED IN LOCAL , ELBERT COUNTY POLITICS NOW . COLORADO MEASURE 62 , NEEDS TO GO THE WAY OF THE DINOSAUR AND BE DEFEATED.
ONE WHICH THE GOD DAMN RELIGIOUS RIGHT FUCKWADS ARE CALLING THE " PERSONHOOD " AMENDMENT ; ONE WHICH IS NOTHING BUT ANOTHER GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING ATTEMPT BY THE
" ASSHOLES FOR JESUS " MOVEMENT , AKA: "THE BASE" OF THE REPUG-NICAN PARTY ; TO DEFINE A " CHILD " AS ANYTHING FROM A ONE DAY OLD UNBORN FETUS , TO EVEN A SINGLE MALE SPERM OR WOMAN'S FERTILIZED EGG .

and so, yeah it chould be fucking interesting to see what happens, if the both of us can actually get along well, or even okay . I just know the way that I am and how well do I know that , for the most part , I and about 80 % of all people [ especially the heterosexual, married and dating types ] do not get along well.

2010-10-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

and so , I am all registered and shit for the spring semester at arapahoe community college . now , being that it looks as if jen and I are about fixing to get that place [ if everything goes well ] , a 2 BR apt for $650 total in kiowa, CO [ my share is $325 month, plus half utilities- hope she does not want to piss away money on that fucking " phone/cable/internet bundle " bullshit] .

thing is this, from arapahoe in littleton , the drive will be about 48 1/2 miles , or one hour and five mins . [ I tend to fucking move like the connecticut driver I am on limited accessfreeways/parkways as long as the fucking state " po-po", or " five-o" aint around.{ the pigs}].

the parker campus , arapahoe comm. college @university at chaparral, on brookstone drive; is about 29 1/2 miles , or about 45 min drive time. that may be closer and , of course, courses can always be taken online to save gas and car mileage.

otherwise, this morning I drove all the fucking way to that mother fucking place, the douglas-elbert task force, which, as true of how the god damn mother fucking policies of george w bush - the ex-asshole of a USA president [not that that schmuck obama's much better lately ] ; is run by some god damn christian organization called castle oaks church . [ probably one of these fucking colorado bible thumping churches ]

anyway, so I did not get there till 11 AM , as back at the fucking military-style run aristocrat "welfare motel" , where I began staying last night ; I had to meet first with the dude named dave, their social worker from DHS colorado /denver county ; to get an extension on my stay there.

well......when I got there this woman on staff informed me " we're full for the day , sorry " , which got me kind of pissed off between both her " Christian- cunty" manner in how she acted toward me ; as well as her fucking hurrying me when I told her I just wanted to drop off the paperwork for getting the fucking security deposit help .

this is the bullshit us fucking queers have to go through when dealing with these often prejudiced fuckers whom call themselves " christians" . they see me as something that should have " stayed in the role god intended me to play with the [ disgusting ] parts he gave me at birth ."

I SWEAR THAT, IF JESUS WERE ALIVE TODAY [ hate to tell y'all but he is long dead] HE'D FUCKING WANT TO SPIT ON HALF THESE PATHETIC MOTHER FUCKING BITCHES, LIKE " MS. MARRIED POWDERPUSSY " AT THE DOUGLAS-ELBERT TASK FORCE.

okay, not for the jen and I living together idea. will it work ? or will it not work? I mean she seems to be okay with me the way I talk about everything from religion to politics and beyond; but in some ways I think I upset her " sensible", responsible adult style.

despite being 47 and about to turn 48 years of age,I have far more in common, emotionally speaking and in level of maturity, with the 21 year old super-liberal and free-spirited party animal college student; then with those my age whom have become little more then gainfully employed boring adults.

jen is 38 and has been on her own for some time . me? well much like the traditional age college person , or even teenager whom likes to scream out loud and play her music LOUD AS FUCK while driving in traffic and not give a fuck what other people think or the god damn " po-po" say.

so will it work out.......?????????????????????????????????

we will see, as one of the lesbians at that weekly group I go to at the center , lynda, has told me that, from how it sounds jen and I seem to complement one another in many ways; she the more quiet type with little to say ; and me the loudmouthed , opinionated always critical mother fucking BITCH OF THE BITCHES.

I was just thinking as I drove from castle rock and that church organization , to littleton and arapahoe community college ; that I will definitely be , officially,
" THE DYKE OF THE HOUSEHOLD" .

LETS SEE WHERE THAT STATEMENT LEADS TO IN THE FUTURE .........

just a thought , but first I have to physically castrate myself and kill off those digusting , leftover from my past life, lumps of worthless dogshit.

lesbo bitch to the max ? ME?

YOU BETCHA GOD DAMN SORRY CHRISTO-FASCIST ASSHOLE , MRS. SARAH PALIN .

2010-09-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

I am getting so sick of this shit , having to fucking call in every monday and thursday to the delores project [ www.deloresproject.org ] women's shelter just to make sure that I've got a bed for the night . today I forgot just like I did last week on thursday and so, I'm not sure if I will have a place to stay tonight[ besides the car that is ] .

supposedly , I should be able to qualify for one of those motel vouchers from the denver county / colorado dept of human services ; the same one where, just this morning , again I had to go in to see just why they never mailed out my fucking medicaid card yet. this I was promised would take " 7 business days " back at the beginning of sept. ; so where the fuck is it?

they are so fucked up at the denver county DHS office at 1200 federal blvd. ; perhaps because of all the low-income mexican women with anywhere from 3-6 or more children who are constantly coming into this country and especially COLORADO ; which , I am sure, is keeping everybody working there quite busy.

not sure if anybody's seen that episode of CBS-TV's 60 minutes news show a few years back, the one showing how, by night in the arizona, new mexico, texas,and california desserts; the illegal immigrants come flocking across the supposedly
" secured" by the US Border Patrol agents border between mexico and the united states of america.

just like fucking cockroaches emerging from the city sewer system in orange county , florida as they come up through the kitchen sink drain and swarm the houses; so do all these illegal immigrants from mexico and central/south american countries seem to " swarm" this country's borders by night; moving from cactus plant and sagebush to cactus plant and sagebush by the dozens.

often they come in groups of between 20 to 60 at a time ; running like packs of coyotes as they try to evade getting caught by the USA Border Patrol's officers. they are all coming to america for that " better life" , the american dream as it is called.

BUT DOES THE AMERICAN DREAM REALLY EVEN EXIST ANYMORE?

most of them end up working hard for low wages of $50 to $100 for a 12 hour day's work, doing either dangerous construction work that few americans today want to do; or they work their asses off doing the most menial of landscaping duties, this while some white male redneck boss gets wealthy off the sweat of their hard labor.

upon finally becoming " legal aliens" and learning some English , they then progress to " higher paying jobs" at this country's many retail and fast food places ; often working for only the minimum wage of $7.31 per hour or maybe $7.50 to $8.00 ; barely above minimum wages [ min. wage being about $9.50 to $11.00 in the more expensive California cities of san francisco and san jose , and about $7.90 in similarly expensive to live in Connecticut ].

meanwhile, not that I do not like the mexicans- many of them who are really nice, hard working people [ excluding the asshole gangbangers like the Norteno's` , a drug-trafficking gang which many mexican teenagers from lower-income working families belong to] , many of the women keep having children [ many have 6-7 children per family] and, being that those jobs at burger king and wal mart barely pay the workers $8.00-$9.00 per hour; how do you think they are able to support all those children?

HELLO??? DID ANYONE GUESS THE WELFARE SYSTEM??????????????????

THE VERY SAME SYSTEM THAT I DEPEND UPON BECAUSE OF BEING ON A SHITTY DISABLIITY INCOME OF JUST $694 A MONTH.

many of them are catholic, and yes, they do NOT have access to decent birth control ; not that they would use it as the asshole mother fucking german horse's asshole of a POPE still believes that, in latin, " HUMANAE VITAE " [ the human condition- " GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY" ] ; is the answer all catholics should believe in when it comes to practicing safe and sound birth control .

and considering how our supposedly " pro-family planning president", barack obama, has now catered to the god damn republican senators like John Mc Cain [ R-AZ] and all the religious right assholes of what those stupid fuckers [ including the 10 southern conservative democrats like steiny hoyer ] call their " base" [ sarah palin ] ; the idea of returning toward the medicaid funding of safe and legal abortions and birth control that obama outlined in his " change we can believe in " plan has never happened.

AND SO , WHO DO YOU THINK IS PAYING FOR ALL THOSE BABIES THAT THESE NEW IMMIGRANTS TO FUCKING AMERICA , THE SUPPOSED " LAND OF OPPORTUNITY " ; KEEP GIVING BIRTH TO; MUCH LIKE GREEN FLIES LAYING EGGS AND MULTIPLYING AROUND THOSE PILES OF BARNYARD COWSHIT??

ANY IDEAS?

WELL, HATE TO TELL YOU , BUT IT SURE AS FUCK IS NOT THE BURGER KING CORPORATION THAT SO MANY OF THESE IMMIGRANTS END UP WORKING FOR AND EARNING A TOP WAGE OF $11.00 PER HOUR [ UNLESS THEY LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH GOOD ENOUGH AND BECOME FAST FOOD RESTAURANT MANAGERS EVENTUALLY , THEN THEY EARN ABOUT $30,000 A YEAR OR SO ]

DID ANYBODY GUESS THE COLORADO [ OR NEW MEXICO, CALIFORNIA, CONNECTICUT,NEW YORK, ILLINOIS ] DEPARTMENT OF HUMAN / SOCIAL SERVICES ??

in all honesty , it would be far cheaper to, LIKE MORE INTELLEGENT CANADA , provide these immigrants , and everybody else low income for that matter ; with government- funded birth control [and abortions if nessesary ] dispensed at government funded clinics scattered throughout the USA .

but then president obama is busy catering to john mc cain and all the other asshole conservative senators and congresspeople , those same republicans whom are deeply worried that government fudning of birth control and abortions would upset their " base " whom control them through campaign contributions . people like televangelists pat robertson[ " christian" broadcasting network]; james dobson [ focus on the family of colorado springs, CO ] ; pastor john hagee ; don wildmon [ american " family " association of mississippi ] ; reverend fred phelps [ topeka, KS ]; and yes, the old, bald headed german asshole over in vatican city / country named POPE BENEDICT THE SECOND . [ beloved " heavenly father" of many mexicans, other hispanics, polish, and italian IDIOTS ] .

WE CAN NOT UPSET THEM ? CAN WE? THIS IS A COUNTRY FOUNDED UPON SO CALLED " CHRISTIAN " PRINCIPLES THEY SAY .

AND SO , GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY LIKE FLIES AROUND SHIT PILES . AFTER ALL , THIS IS WHAT IS BEST FOR THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ? IS IT NOT ?

REMEMBER JAMES DOBSON, WHOM CALLED THE SEVEN NEWBORNS WHICH THE FORMERLY STERILE WOMAN HAD THROUGH THE USE OF FERTILITY DRUGS THE " SEVEN FROM HEAVEN" , FEELS THAT WOMEN SHOULD BREED AS MANY CHILDREN AS THEY [ MORE LIKE THEIR HUSBANDS AND BOYFRIENDS ] WANT TO HAVE.

by the way , an alternative rock band called 'Disturbed' has a new hit song being played on denver's KBPI [ www.kbpi.com ] ; one called " IT'S JUST ANOTHER WAY TO DIE" . have you guessed what it is about ?

answer: human beings and the way that they are destroying the earth faster then it can replentish itself through OVERPOPULATION ; as well as pollution, war, and other methods.

BUT PLEASE , LISTEN TO THAT OLD SHRIVELED UP , IMPOTENT PIECE OF SHIT CALLED THE POPE, AND YES, GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY, SENORA~.

WELFARE WILL PAY FOR ALL THOSE FUCKING CHILDREN Y'ALL KEEP HAVING, AFTER ALL.

FUNDED BY THE FUCKING WORKING STIFFS CALLED TAXPAYERS , OF COURSE.

2010-09-29T15:27:00.000-07:00

and so, the ACLU [ american civil liberties union for y'all outside the once-free United States of America ] just said that the fucking obama administration now wants to allow the US attorney general to fucking spy on intertnet users . this in a supposedly " free " country where the citizens are supposed to protected from unwarranted searches by the constitution of the united states of america .

HORSESHIT . now I am truly sorry that I voted for this jackass named president barack obama ; but what choice was there?

" tweedlee dee and tweedleedum " democrat and repug-nican .

you got it , republican being senator john mc cain-R arizona, better known to any woman with a brain not tucked up the asshole of the Bible , as " my spiritual leaders are TV evangelists john hagee and james dobson [ head of " focus on the family " based in colorado springs, colorado and the one directly responsible for colorado measure 62 - the " personhood " amendment which would designate a live single sperm as a " human being" as well as ban most forms of birth control in fucking colorado.]

and then , when hillary got defeated, we were left with democrat senator of Illinois barack obama as the other " two large main party system's choice.

and so far , while he has done some things for women as far as reproductive rights go ; what the fuck has mr barack obama done for social services ? he has created some new jobs , mostly in construction of highways , true. BUT WHAT HAS HE DONE TO PROTECT OUR PRECIOUS FREEDOMS ?

GIVEN IN TO THE GOD DAMN REPUG-NICANS AND ALLOWED ERIC HOLDER, U.S. ATTY. GENERAL ; TO SPY ON OUR INTERNET USE SO AS TO BETTER " ACCUSE " MORE PEOPLE OF BEING " TERRORISTS".

WONDERFUL - GOD DAMN YOU , PRESIDENT OBAMA . YOU ARE A FUCKING TURNCOAT JUST LIKE CONNECTICUT SENATOR " INDEPENDENT REPUBLO-CRAT " JOE LIBERMANN IS .

REMEMBER - ORIGINALLY I VOTED FOR THE BETTER DEMOCRAT PARTY PRESIDENT - THE ONE WITH THE VAGINA .

THE WOMAN NAMED HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON .

BARACK OBAMA - YOU FUCKING DISGUST ME TO THE MAX.

I SHOULD'VE VOTED FOR RALPH NADER OF WINSTED, LITCHFIELD COUNTY, CONNECTICUT.

NOT YOU, YOU GOD DAMN SCHMUCK WITH YOUR
" BI-PARTISAN BRING THE COUNTRY TOGETHER BULLSHIT " WHICH , SO FAR, HAS NOT WORKED .

BARACK OBAMA , IF YOU ALLOW THAT GOD DAMN BASTARD ERIC HOLDER AND ALL HIS MILITARY SCUMBAGS TO FUCKING TAMPER ANYMORE WITH THE CONSTITUTION ?

THE ONLY THING I HAVE GOT TO SAY IS THIS .

" FUCK YOU PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA "

MAYBE YOU ARE REALLY A " MOSLEM " WITH YOUR MIDDLE NAME BEING
" HUSSEIN" , JUST LIKE MY [ FORMER? ] FRIEND, RICHARD " SCOTTY" SCOTT[ honorable discharge US army special forces sargeant " E-5 " classification whom fought in dessert storm back in the early 1990's] UP IN BATH NEW YORK SAID YOU ARE .

THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY .

MAYBE WE SHOULD IMPEACH BARACK OBAMA JUST IN TIME FOR HILLARY CLINTON TO RUN IN 2012?

WHATTA YOU SAY , LADIES?

2010-09-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

and so , it looks like I will be getting a fucking place with my new roomie, jen; the one out in kiowa, colorado in elbert county; a fast-growing county with about 22,000 people in it . kiowa is small, much smaller then bath or wellsville, even caneadea, NY were ; it has a pizza place, bar, liquor store, and, I believe, a small grocery - all the important shit one needs to survive. 7 miles way in elizabeth , there is a safeway and wal mart, among other stores in a strip mall . my share of the rent will be $325 a month plus utilities , of course- except water and heat, I believe?

2010-09-24T17:35:00.000-07:00

and so , after sleeping in the fucking car last night at a freeway I-70 rest area just east of bennett, CO for the first time in about three weeks , I did something which may help me in the future . learning that arapahoe community college in littleton, colorado [ home of the infamous april 20, 1999 columbine high school massacre in which 12 students and one instructor were slain by Prozac fueled and suicidal/homicidal teen gunmen, dylan kliebold and eric harris ] offered an associate of arts degree in creative writing ; I went to the college to apply .

while there I used the same application computer to update my FAFSA federal financial aid form , adding arapahoe CC to it. I also talked with an advisor and somebody in the disability office about how to get the appropriate documentation for my ADHD learning disability I've had since being a child born in the wrong body for the right mind.

if only everything else would work out for me , like my potential roommate , Jen, and I finding a decent place to rent together . that would be so much better than having to depend on calling the delores project [ www.deloresproject.org ] every monday and thursday morning at 11:30 AM ; hoping to secure a bed for the next three nights as an " overnight", not " permanent " single female guest.

jen and I would prefer to live in the country rather than live right in denver city limits; nothing against denver which is a very nice city when compared to others like L. A. and hartford CT [ 80% shithole ghettoes ] . she works in elbert county and I would rather live someplace where I don't have to fight for a decent parking place , get up and move the fucking car by 8 AM everytime the street needs sweeping by the city ; someplace where....ummm... like, " the deer and the antelope play" as that old song goes.

and so , things I guess are looking up in some ways . later this afternoon after all the college shit I wanted to accomplish in one visit was done , I went to the fucking denver county/colorado dept . of human services to see just why ; 1. my food stamp EBT benefits card has never been mailed, and 2. to see why I'm still on the fucking list at the samaritan house [corner of park and lawrence in denver across from the rescue mission and " crackhead square park" ] as a " non-resident- do not re-voucher" for getting a motel voucher when needed.

turned out that is because I do not yet have a colorado ID/driver's license ; not that I could afford to pay well over $150 fucking dollars to get the god damn car registered here in colorado and my colorado license; not do I yet have a valid street address here in colorado.

this morning I was , as usual, listening to the denver hard rock/metal/alternative rock station better known as KBPI . [ www.kbpi.com ] they had on these advice lawyers discussing the merits and drawbacks of filing for bankruptcy versus the impossible task for many low income people like myself wallowing deep, financially speaking, in the shit-filled Long Island [ NY ] Sewage cesspool called CREDIT CARD DEBT.

a cesspool which, like the real thing buried in many long island, NY and cape cod , MA backyards, seems to just keep " filling up with shit faster than the local cesspool pumper can clean it out.

for those making $50,000 a year or more with only $10,000 debt, that lawyer from denver's custer & robison law firm said it may make more sense to pay it off by using debt consolidation services. but for somebody like me , or some working class schmuck whom toils away at burger king , or me on a disability income of only $694 a month ; with over $700 on two unpaid capital one credit cards [ plus another sears card under the former monkey name of " It" oropal having more than $4,000 as the balance ] ; bankrupcy may actually make fucking sense and be the better choice.

unsure , but I know all too well that my now bad credit has fucked me out of a few housing opportunities , including renting an income based, subsidized apartment at dayspring apts in corning new york. a small city of 30,000 where I was to attend corning community college till I decided to get the fuck out of mostly redneck republican western new york and head for the west again.

so who knows what is or will be best ? I'm getting to feel that going into bankruptcy may be the best option , as right now they can not " garnish" my wages cause I have none, but if I decided to get something part time at burger fuckhole or wal-fart ? then those credit card banker assholes would ride my paycheck to southern baptist hell and back with the amount they'd take out for " payback" .

as for college and whether I can do well this time around, with my testosterone levels about 4% which is what an average biological woman's is about ; I'm not sure . all I know is that the one thing I do well is not anything which most people consider to be a viable career ; I am great at WRITING .

I can see myself finishing up my first book titled Other side of gainesville , maybe eventually self-publishing it like my friend jenette has done with two of hers . and with this wonderful experience associated with being homeless and hopeless since late september of 2009 when I arrived at the end of my long cross country journey ; all the way from 434-C heritage village in southbury, CT to the pacific waves at surf, california [ near lompoc in santa barbara county ] ; maybe I could take all of my journal writings and publish a fucking book which will open the eyes of many so-called " patriotic " americans .

many of these so called " patriotic " republican-voting , christo-fascist morons whom are about as stupid and blind as blind sheep standing in a thunderstorm awaiting lightning to strike them dead. BURGER KING - WHAT A REAL CAREER FOR THOSE WHOM REALLY WANT TO " GET AHEAD IN LIFE"

maybe all the mexicans working their assholes off here in denver , colorado and danbury , connecticut[ wives on welfare to support 5-6 children, of course] believe this all american horseshit about " the land of plenty" .

but I'm not sure if, for those whom are not good at playing by the often ridiculous rules down to the stupidest customs such as the unofficial one saying to women to "not wear your sports bra to the supermarket in the hot summer months" for fear that it may " offend others"; if there really is such a dream as the one that masquerades itself as that one called " american"

2010-09-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

and so life at the Delores project homeless shelter for women in denver goes on . some days it is good and others , shit to the max . as for the shit days ? well this fucking weekend I got chewed out twice by that god damn sinister mexican American woman working on staff named christine ; basically adolph hitler with a fucking vagina by the way she is so stern and strict about everything .

what happened ? well on sat night I got into a heated debate with this fat girl whom everybody seems to like [ except me whom sees her as a bitch in many ways] , Jennifer . the debate was about if or if not it is illegal for a women to go out in any public place like a supermarket or park; wearing, in summer, only a sports' bra, shorts, and sandals . something which I often do just to annoy the more conservative so called " christian " prudes and " do the right thing for all " happy homemaker types.

well she tried like fucking hell to win the fucking argument and see it the way that, according to her , "other people who believe in public decency " feel about the subject . needless to say this mother fucking fat ass bitch of a prissy ass popular girl simply refused to hear my end of things ; wanting me to see things the way of herself and " how other decent people feel" about this .

well.....she then got so upset that she walked away and warned me " and don't you follow me or I'll go tell the staff ." well you know me , I like to get MY SIDE OF THINGS ACROSS TO ASSHOLES LIKE HER WHOM FEEL THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY OF DOING THINGS IN LIFE - THE WAY THAT DOES NOT " OFFEND " THE MORAL MAJORITY OF PEOPLE IN THIS BASS- ACKWARDS COUNTRY CALLED AMERICA.

needless to say the staff , michele and that fucking hitler twat in mexican colored skin , christine , both called me in to the fucking office so we could have a talk . I told them we were just debating and I was not " following " the woman ; as that bitch had told them being that, of course , I am ALWAYS WRONG FOR WHATEVER I SAY .

as if last week's talk both accusing me and , at the same time , supposedly giving me the benefit of the doubt about " my supposed masturbation in the shower by a staff member " was not bad enough. then comes the next day and soon as I am about to go to the fucking denver unitarian church , that other bitch on staff , molly, this asian bitch with a similar attitude asked me " to come into the office" ; at which point I flat out told her that I was already late to church.

this is why I hope that jen and I get that fucking apartment or another suitable place to share. she and I seem to get along great , unlike about half of the women at delores shelter [ 1230 king street ] in denver's " barrio" west side. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THE PSYCHOBABBLE BULLSHIT AND IF YOU REALLY FEEL THAT YOU CAN " LEAD THIS FUCKING MARE TO WATER AND MAKE HER DRINK"; YOU ARE SADLY MISTAKEN.

2010-08-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

jesus fucking god damn mother fucking christ * this is how I feel when it comes to even having half a chance in this asshole, god damn united states of america ; of finding an apartment or whatever anyplace * this morning I went to look at this place in south denver called tamarac village apts . they were really nice, but I may as well fucking forget it, as the dude whom gave me the tour told me " applicants income must be three time the cost of rent ."

in other words , if you're looking for a studio at $449/month , you have to have an income of $1,347; far above what this god damn social security check pays . that and they do background checks and I was told that , not just are felonies rejected , but so are misdemeanors such as anything causing harm to people or property . so DUI even , which true, can hurt somebody; but the 0.08 law's level of alcohol is like the buzz a social drinker usually gets after leaving the bar in their car. and that , perhaps even , like in my former life , " harrassment/threatening " of a fucking ex partner is cause for them to NOt rent to you.

BULLSHIT * I SAY * MAJOR BULLSHIT * LIFE SEEMS TO BE NOTHING MORE THAN A WASTE OF FUCKING TIME . AND WITH ALL THE HASSLES ASSOCIATED WITH HAVING TO BE ALIVE , JEEZUS , DOES SUICIDE EVER MAKE EVEN MORE SENSE IN THIS WORTHLESS SHITHOLE OF A FUCKED UP PILE OF SHIT COUNTRY CALLED AMERICA .

A FUCKING PLACE WHERE THE HOMELESS CAN NOT EVEN GET A DECENT RENTAL PLACE TO LIVE IF THEY DO NOT " MEET THE STANDARDS " OF GOOD CREDIT AND WHATEVER .

I just discovered , like I have so many fucking times before , some sort of so called " rapid re-housing program " in the next county over from denver county ; arapahoe county, which includes littleton , CO , the place I hold dear to my heart as the former high school loser after what , on april 20,1999; both dylan kliebold and eric harris did to the " winners" at their school who used to pick on them .

they took an M-16 and M-32 , I believe , and then stormed into columbine HS , guns loaded and just began shooting everybody they felt " deserved it" there is one student I feel sorry for , though the fleming girl who was a killer poet .

back to this housing program , now what they often say online, like the mother fucking colorado dept of human services with their housing assistance program for the homeless , and what they ACTUALLY DO FOR PEOPLE; can be two different things *

2010-08-20T13:42:00.000-07:00

and so, 5 days in denver so far and , for the most part, I'm happy to be here. last night was the transgender support group at the LGBT center on colfax ave, near downtown and the gay bar strip [ just up the road from HER BAR , a lesbian night club which looks really kewl ] how are people taking to me being a transwoman ? for the most part it seems as if here in denver, I HAVE JUST THE SAME RIGHTS AS ANY OTHER WOMAN DOES.

yet the are a few women where I'm at right now, the gathering place for women ; whom seem to take offense to my being here and consider me to be a " M" . this I overheard from these two mexican bitches sitting at the same table I was at during lunch , their fucking RUDE ASS COMMENTS .

yet , being that so many hispanics seem to be CATHOLIC , WHICH IS, PERHAPS, ONE OF THE TWO BIGGEST CONSERVATIVE AND BIGOTED TOWARD LGBT's RELIGIONS HERE IN ASSHOLE AMERICA , THE GOD DAMN BAPTISTS BEING THE OTHER ; are their comments to be unexpected?

I THINK NOT . I mean when you worship a male god figure/s , the father, son, and holy [ male] ghost of jesus , in a church best known for having MALE PRIESTS , NEARLY ONE QUARTER OF WHOM MOLEST CHILDREN AND GET AWAY WITH IT UNDER AN OLD , SHRIVELED UP GERMAN GOAT THEY CALL THE MOTHER FUCKING POPE OF VATICAN CITY , ITALY; BENEDICT II , I BELIEVE ; THAT EXPLAINS WHY SO MANY CATHOLICS ARE THE WAY THAT THEY ARE .

but at least it's a fuck of a lot better then back in asshole Bath , new york and steuben county ; a place filled with some of the most IGNORANT , INBREED REDNECKS AROUND . i don't miss bath, nor all the assholes there like that ignorant " black man fucking fat ass ho' sara gerow, the bath town DRAMA QUEEN FOR SURE .

the group seemed good and I discovered that it will be relatively easy to get my driver's license here in colorado , and keep my hard earned female
[ transgender ] designation upon getting my CO license .

more to come next week :)

2010-08-16T18:33:00.000-07:00

" the west is the best . get in, we'll do the rest " Jim Morrison - poet .

and so , yeah I know, I gave up on my chances of going back to college at corning community college and, as my friend scotty , whom was not too happy to see me leave bath NY , give up on teaching bath to be more tolerant toward things they do not understand or approve of .

but seeing that I had no other true friends in bath , nor would have had an easy time making any with the exception of those white trash women partnered with black sugar daddies[ not that I have anything against dating interracial or whatever] , edie and her fucking sisters , rose and roxy; edie whom got all upset and accused me of listening to her answering machine messages while she allowed me to, briefly, stay at her soon to be moved out of place.

and this all started beacuse of fucking abby sternberg , a woman really fucked up in the head whom lives next door to edie's former apartment ; somebody who can be your best friend, yet also can be the biggest fucking snitch around . it was abby whom told her that she was briefly over and saw me doing this.

well fuck bath , and all the redneck mothers fucking inbred bastards and bitches living there and in the rest of steuben county, NY . and a big " FUCK YOU " going out to betsy green , the head of arbor development , better known by its old name , " SCAP " OR STEUBEN CHURCHPEOPLE AGAINST POVERTY .

both pat and especially that bitch betsy at arbor had it in for me from the start . they went as far as, after finding out from who else , abby snitchberg I'm gonna bet , that I was staying briefly at my friend scotty's paid for by arbor development apt; to literally tell scotty that " either cheryl leaves your apartment by 10 AM on thursday aug . 5th , or you will lose your place. "

FUCK YOU BETSY AND PAT, YOU CROTCHETY CHURCH BITCHES . YOU GUYS GO TO PROVE THAT THE SAYING " JESUS, BEWARE OF YOUR FOLLOWERS " IS VERY MUCH TRUE WHEN IT COMES TO 70% OF Y'ALL PATHETIC , CONSERAVTIVE CHRISTIAN BASTARDS .

anyway , so that thursday at 5:30 Pm , semi drunk still from scotty and I's little party and the vodka, I left for the west ; either new mexico or colorado . for the next three days , I slept in rest areas along the freeways in eastern ohio, Sw illinois , and kansas just west of hutchinson along US 50 . I then went first to trinidad CO , famous for dr biber the sex change surgeon whom died some 4 year ago . from there down into new mexico , where I found sante fe both an awesome tolerant place , but also very expensive .

at the suggestion of a gay dude I met at some rest area near taos on US-64 , after learing that trinidad human services had no help getting into rental places, I took his advice. so here I am in the big city of denver, truly a very tolerant and friendly place and so very " gay " to the max.

2010-07-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

I IS A COLLEGE STUDENT ?

yeah, sounds about right fer sure . yesterday I went down to corning new york , to corning community college where I've been accepted into the fine arts and design A.S. degree program in the fall of 2010 . I took the placement test and well, on all but the fucking math part [ shit from basic algebra to the hardest of calculus and trigonometry angles ] was a mother fucker if anything . [ about the above ? well it should be " I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT " , but if you ever saw that drinking tee shirt ?]

as for the essay part, I flew through that mother fucker with extra jet fuel, as I'm awesome good at writing essays . this despite the timed one hour test , which I have a hard ass time with anything timed or deadlines of any kind. and the reading? I am up to freshman in college level .

so I am in corning community college for the fall . what to do now ? well the fucking finding housing thing which has been a bitch without a broomstick at best.

2010-07-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

so here I am , almost 21 days so far in bath new york . and I'm fucking getting to hate this god damn , redneck fuckhole for the most part of a town . true, I have met some nicer people here, the women in this library are so much more LGBT accepting than most of them[ excluding melody :) ] were back at the howe library in wellsville , NY . and hell I have made some friends like sara, edie [ whom lives close by to my temp apt ] , and especially " scotty" , a former war veteran from the first gulf war [ USA's El Presidente` George Bush -the first ] whom has post traumatic stress disorder left over from all those moslems that uncle sam ordered him to kill over there .

but for the most part I am NOT happy living here in bath . not is it just a town/village filled with some of the biggest dick-brained REDNECKS around [ and the twat-brained " barefoot in winter/ pregnant every summer women whom actually love these jerk-asses ] .

and right now , a good part of me is ready to take the fuck off and just go back west 3,000 miles ; unsure if I will again end up homeless and miserable in eugene and unsure if , but faithful enough to guess otherwise, if the honda accord 1996 will make it without the timing belt giving out and leaving me stranded someplace alongside some isolated freeway out west.

the god damn steuben county dept of social services DSS is perhaps the most ridiculous welfare agency around . here they are now giving me only $16.00 a montrh in food stamps, based upon the fact that, right now in arbor development's respite housing [ temporary 30 days to end on july 22] , I am currently paying nothing .
BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF AND WHEN I DO FIND A PLACE ? be it the old mac donald hotel which has rooms and studios and is out by the V. A. hospital ; this rooming house on west washington , or the " little roc [ rochester] central" former motel directly across the street which is filled with bath's own version of harlem's " new jack city" african americans.

or fuck, like I am hoping ; if I move in with the native american woman I was originally supposed to be paired with by arbor, dawn, and rent the room she has in her mother's country house near hammondsport on keuka lake ; hammondsport being a far more " classy " village which is much more like woodbury, connecticut than the typical villages here in this part of western NY state which are best known for REDNECKS , and yes, the " New Roc City" boyz in da hood who are fixing to bring in their brand of " G-money luv " to quiet small town america in high unemployment western NY state. [ and provide the cracker girls with something better to do than just go through life barefoot, pregnant, and miserably married to white boy husband Billy Joe Buckfucker - like smoke crack . :) ]

yeah , hammondport is awesome for the most part , even though when I take my half passable transsexual woman ass down there to go swimming in my new bathing suit 2 piece I call my " skirt-tini" [ bottom half a swimskirt with pants; top a bikini style tittie holder ] ; I get everything from rude comments directed at me by both redneck boys/men and girls/women as well ; to RUDE STARES AS IF I WAS SOME SORT OF " FREDERICKA KRUGER " [ freddie kruger's elm street nightmare wife he never had ].

yeah , for $300 a month , that would include direct TV/or dish hookup, all utilities and everything ; all on her place about 4 miles up this huge mountain outside of hammondsport , NY . I would still be able to commute to corning community college in corning , still be close enough to see my friend scotty , edie and all them.

most of all I would be in the place I always wanted to be when I came to western new york state, not in some CLUSTERFUCKED VILLAGE LIKE BATH WHERE I REALIZE THAT , FOR THE MOST PART ; I WILL NEVER BE ACCEPTED AS A MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY .

this considering that bath NY has, perhaps, a little more " diversity " then I previously thought . it may be about 20-25% black and hispanic , mostly black , many of whom live in the " little Roc" section of the village south of west washington street and west of liberty st. and downtown . the few girlfriends I have made here are, like, in interracial relationships, this maybe being why they accept me more as any other woman when compared to all these white redneck fuck-balls with their stupid, loud and obnoxious pick-em-up [four wheel drive ] trucks whom literally holler some of the nastiest shit out at me everytime I walk anyplace in bath village.

2010-06-24T15:18:00.000-07:00

welcome to bath new york . and so , after the fucking god damn allegany county social services, "mrs." lori brown- caseworker as she was titled[ how fucking feminist? NOT] , cancelled my fucking DSS temporary housing assistance that I had to pay $ 127.10 each week for [ based upon what they considered my " income based " figure out of just $781 per month SSDI + SSI ] on june 17; I used the salvation army in wellsville to help me stay at america's best value motel for another 4 nights .

I then had to pack out by 11 Am on monday june 21 and from wellsville I drove over into steuben county, NY and to bath- the county seat { pronounced locally as " stew-ben" county by the way } . once there, I went to what many locals , I'm told, consider the mother fucking " SOCIAL SERVICES FROM HELL " because of both how strict they are as well as how full of their " welfare reform " bullshit they are . their office in bath is on east pulteney square opposite of the village green; or
" common " as they call it back in massachusetts. right next to the courthouse and a " 9-11" inspired nightmare to go through with the fucking steuben county sherriff's deputies guarding the doors into that office building .

once there every god damn thing was nothing but a HASSLE TO SAY THE LEAST . firstly, I had to prove that I was actually " homeless" in order for them to even consider me as a homeless person in need of temporary housing . then the fuckwads working there , in order to prove that I was who I said that I was , a USA citizen or eligible alien [ LMAO] , literally insisted on seeing my god damn bitrh certificate ; at which time I told a little " white lie" and said that I did not have it with me at the time .

that said, I had to go out to my mother fucking honda accord and get the fucking god damn social security card so they could " prove my identity" ; which was a total load of maximum horseshit as I never had to go through any of this bullshit in connecticut , nor either in california or oregon; when I applied /inquired about getting human/social services help at any of those places.

" COMMUNIST STATE " = NEW YORK ? YOU BE THE JUDGE , BUT I'D SURELY SAY SO. [ actually in allegany county it was majorly easier than it is here in steuben ]

then, after all that trouble , they told me that , myself having tossed out that letter of discontinuance from allegany county , that since they " hadn't any proof that I was, indeed; a homeless person, they could NOT offer me the temporary housing that monday night.

and so, after first checking out what was a solemn vigil on the village green after, on sunday in bath, NY, they had a double murder when a distraught young man stabbed his girlfriend and her 3 year old baby; it was off back to the interstate 86 freeway rest area just west of the exit for hammondsport/bath /SR-54.

that was where I spent the night in my car . that goddess this time it was summer and not like back in late march when the reasonably mild rain had turned to wet snowflakes just past elmira/corning and I slept in the cold car as the overnight temps dropped down to about 20 F. by morning and that west snow turned to glaze ice.

being that they told me to come back the very next day at about 9 AM , I came in at like 10:15 and it still took ALL FUCKING DAY NEARLY to even get things going . first, being that " allegany county disqualified me for temporary housing" they did not allow me to get that motel voucher. then, they referred me to arbor development's HIRT program , a temporary housing program for the [ supposedly ] " severly developmentally disabled" which I because of getting social security disabliity automatically qualified for.

and so , I am now , for 30 days from tuesday june 22 till july 22, placed in a temporary apartment at a place called colonial lawns ; just off liberty street in bath. part of what I must do to qualify for this is seek affordable housing within 30 days .

the other part is kind of major horseshit in a way , but then again I may be able to make it work for me and get what I WANT OUT OF IT ; to seek mental health treatment from the steuben county mental health services.

and yes, just like back in allegany county with the ARA counseling center, I am sort of afraid that those sons of bitches will , like they always did; try and railroad me into getting caught in their web of psychiatric dogshit ; with their fucking god damn " medication" bullshit and their god damn mother fucking " day program".

a program which may have some good things about it, but obviously will have the usual " employment rediness skills " training designed to turn one into a shopping cart pushing, overmedicated " retard" working part time at "fuck-mart" [ wal mart LOL] or any other bullshit big box retail establishment that pays shit per hour [ $7.50} and treats its employees like pieces of mindless robotic garbage.

a program which , more then likely, also offers the usual " social skills" training , so called " important people skills" which if I have not been willing to learn by now they surely can FORGET ABOUT TRYING TO MAKE ME LEARN THEM . ' HOW TO KISS ASS, MAKE FRIENDS , AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE' , WHAT DALE CARNEGIE SHOULD HAVE CALLED HIS USELESS TO REBELS LIKE MYSELF FUCKING BOOK. [ hey I am a lot like marliyn manson /brian warner , as in one whom will defy all so called conventional logic as to that christo-fascist ideology of " love thy neighbor as thyself " horseshit.

and so we will see. what I'd like to get out of that whole mental health system is this; I need another disgnosis of being " learning disabled" , or ADHD . THIS FOR CORNING COMMUNITY COLLEGE WHERE I WILL BE ATTENDING IN THE FALL. I was admitted formally into their fine arts and design AS degree program for the fall of 2010 ; starting in late august sometime. they expect me to make a bunch of goals as to, how I plan to overcome the attitudes that made me homeless.

and so, for somebody that is a free spirit and does not really believe in " goals" and especially living a " structured lifestyle" like many "8-5" monday to friday working people seem to abide by ; this will be a pain in the ass.

but we can always start .

goal #1 . to eventually complete myself physically down there and get my cunt ; so as to make me better able to be a very happy lesbian. [ even if this means, considering that having the money to do the surgery is looking like a long way off; to literally tie one of those plastic binding straps around those disgusting lumps of parasital shit called " testicles" { now well shrunken and sterile, thank goddess :) } and then ; pull the god damn straps tight so as to choke off the blood flow and cause dry gangrene to set in ; at which time they will just simply fall the fuck off . ]

goal #2. to either graduate from community college, or if not, at least get what the fuck I can get out of that barack obama, " government sponsored grade A education"

I will come up with a lot more, and if they do NOT approve , then they can stick their god damn mental health bullshit up their mother fucking ass; cause this here nigga bitch aint playin' their shee-it now y'all .

2010-06-19T18:37:00.000-07:00

that about describes it the best I guess . and so, because of not keeping up with making my expected " 8 landlord contacts per week " , the allegany county dept of social services had told me that my temporary housing stay was to be ending on june the 17th of 2010 . and I'll admit that I fucked up and slacked off , this for three reasons

reason # 1. I was waiting till I heard back from alfred state technical college here in alfred , right up the hill from the terra cotta coffee shop [ www.terracotta.com ]. I had applied back in april to three local area colleges, and was hoping to get admitted to alfred state's AAS degree program - entrepreneurship ; which is the foundation for learning all the ins and outs about how to start your own business; all the legal shit and how to write the perfect business plan so as to impress the bankers whom offer business loans/states which offer grants and/or low-interest loans [ like connecticut does through its state business development sponsored programs ]

and nope, I did not get in , as whatever I said about what I had done with my fucked up life in the years that I was not attending college; simply was not what they wanted to hear from a prospective non-traditional college applicant .

reason # 2. having believed that , if alfred were to accept me , that this fuckwad red fucking neck douchbag of a landlord, dennis I believe was his name, would ACTUALLY CALL ME BACK. yeah, the same mother fucker with that squealy like a pig sounding voice whom lives exactly 1.7 miles up elm valley road / CR-12 near alfred; in this big white farmhouse surrounded by at least 4-5 mobile homes; his
" trailer court" I'll assume. yes,the same jerk-off homophobic bastard with the blondish hair half balding whose place I went to see twice [ second time anonymously when I filled out his shitty ass, very small to write in unless you're a doctor with MD handwriting " rental application but I am sure that " prickwad " was looking out the window and saw that connecticut tag on my honda accord ].

anyway, he told me to call back on it and this I did the very next day after going to see it the first time on sunday , may 9th at 3 PM ; twice in fact to both his cell number and home one. but " landlord from hell ass-balls" never even had the courtesy to both to call back not let me known anything ; and so, having looked at maybe 4 places between then [ too few for my DSS contract ] , when I saw the same fucking place in the wellsville daily reporter
[ www.wellsvilledailyreporter.com ] that SCUZWAD had for rent , I then called and did not say my name, at which time " landlord cum-dick", better known as dennis' exact words were " go ahead and look at it , the applications are on the counter . "

just to make jerk-dick think it was not again me , I asked for the directions again; as the first thing every wise woman must learn is how to be a " cunty " bitch when necessary. this especially when it comes to dealing with heterosexual MEN like this dennis guy whom are all about using their fucking lower brain to both think and urinate with; along with its use for fucking to produce more offspring that their wives must take care of 100% of the time while they are busy working or drinking beer ' round the bonfire. :)

I then filled out his fucking " appplication for rentals" which had spaces so small only a snail or an MD could fucking write within the lines on it. but did I ever hear from the jerkoff even though I was one of the only two applicants whom placed and left their applications upon the counter ? NOPE , OF COURSE NOT .

I AM SURE THAT HE HAD TO REMEMBER ME . THAT OR , FROM WHAT I SAW EARILER TODAY AS I DROVE PAST AT ABOUT 7 PM, HE FOUND THE " TENANT THAT BEST FIT HIS CRITERIA" ; AS IN SOMEBODY WHOM WORKS CONSTRUCTION, DRINKS BUDWEISER WHEN NOT AT WORK ALL THE TIME DESPITE HIS WIFE NAGGING HIM ABOUT NEVER DOING ANY HOUSEWORK OR CHILD CARE ; AND YES, IS HETEROSEXUAL , FUCKS HIS WIFE AND HAS MANY
" LOVELY LITTLE RUGRATS " JUST TO PROVE HOW MANLY HE TRULY IS.

YES, A REDNECK .

OR BETTER YET , AS MY OLD FRIEND DON MEYERS BACK IN FLORIDA WOULD CALL THEM ; HAVING LIVED NEAR CRAWFORDVILLE UP ON THE FLORIDA PANHANDLE CLOSE TO STATE CAPITOL TALLAHASSEE .

" SHIT-BIRDS" after all , don was a former electronics engineer whom worked for mc donnel douglas, martin marietta, and others down there in florida close to cape canaveral ; along with a big electronics corporation based in that grand old lady of the deep south itself, Tallahassee, FL [ situated among the rolling , red " georgia clay" strewn hills studded with slash pine , live oak, and mixed hardwood trees and perhaps one of few places to spot autumn foliage colors in the state of FLORIDA ].

don was both born and lived all over the state of florida as well as missouri , and being a former alcoholic , he had drank often in the crawfordville tavern ; a bar well known for , ummmm.............REBELS DRIVING PICK EM UP TRUCKS WITH CONFEDERATE BATTLE FLAGS FLYING UPON THEM . YES, REAL REDNECKS , BABY , SOUTHERN BORN AND SOUTHERN FRIED TO THE MAX.

and he often told me this. " redneck is too nice a word for these brain dead, gun toting jackasses who can do little more than go hunting, fishing, work hard with their hands, DRINK SHOTS OF WHISKEY WHICH THEY WASH DOWN WITH THEIR CHEAP BEER, and yes; keep their wives and girlfriends barefoot in winter and pregnant in summer. and so I call then ' shit birds' because that best describes what they actually have for brains. "

and so , lately I've been thinking about old don with his very wise name which he called those pathetic, brain dead men and their unfortunate wives and girlfriends whom love them till they either beat the hell out of them.

or, like somebody I just learned whom is staying at wellsville's america's best value motel in room #1, on SR -417 where I've been at since march 23, 2010 ; a felon recently released from a NY state prison whom both parole and social services is putting up had done; sodomized his wife with a baseball bat and literally ripped apart her rectum[ asshole] .

"SHIT-BIRDS"

yeah, hollow headed country hillbilly mother fuckers whom have been known to have sex with their 8 year old daughters, or even their pit bull " sweethearts" they keep chained up in the backyard dog pen .

or, in the lesser degree, those like that dumb as a dead tree stump good old boy whom toni , a really nice and sweet small town girl of 19 whom works part time as a housekeeper at america's best value motel; is supposedly engaged to and really seems to see me as the " abominable tranny snow bitch" that came to
" wholesome" allegany county new york to destroy life as they all knew it .

SHITBIRDS, REDNECKS, OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL THEM, THEY ARE AN " INTERESTING BREED" OF SUBSTANDARD HUMAN BEING WHEN IT COMES TO BEING ABLE TO MAKE A RATIONAL DECISION ABOUT ANYTHING THEY DO NOT SIMPLY UNDERSTAND .

AND BOTH WELLSVILLE , AND MOST OF ALLEGANY COUNTY NEW YORK SEEMS TO BE FULL OF THEM . even the much more intelligent " christians" tend to be about as understanding of diversity as mnay of these hillbillies are .

not to knock the farmer , whom I hold a deep seated respect for ; as not many want to work hard as fuck and then some seven days per week in all kinds of weather including the three feet of snow on the ground.

which brings me to reason # 3 . I was just so fucking depressed and seriously about to strongly consider either taking a fucking rope and hanging myself from some god damn tree ; or listening to those mental health mother fuckers , going on their god damn " medication " horseshit and then; taking the whole bottle.

and while much of this deep depression was attributed toward what a mother fucker of a hassle it has been to even find a place whose landlord will rent to me ; a good part of it has been based upon the realization that I WILL NEVER MAKE MANY FRIENDS HERE IN RURAL WELLSVILLE , NEW YORK.

SO MUCH FOR GRETCHEN WILSON AND HER SONG " REDNECK WOMAN" . I JUST DO NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE ONE [ NOR IF I WENT BACK TO BEING " IT" , WOULD I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A DUMB AS A DEAD TREE STUMP BASTARD LIKE TONI'S FIANCEE` ]

and so, as of monday the 21st of june , the first day of summer solstice , I will be once again homeless.

but now for the awesome part , something which lifted my spirits this past friday when I got the letter . I HAVE BEEN FORMALLY ADMITTED TO THE STATE UNIVERSITY OF NEW YORK'S CORNING COMMUNITY COLLEGE IN CORNING , NY . THIS TO THEIR ASSOCIATE OF ARTS AND SCIENCE DEGREE PROGRAM CALLED " FINE AND STUDIO ARTS"

and so , reason number 1 was a damn good reason to not be in any hurry to, in the allegany dept. of social services own fancy wording, " accept any offer of suitable housing" that was offered to me by any landlord. i did not even know where I was going to be accepted and to what college yet ; having originally applied to #1. alfred state SUNY tech[ 12.5 miles from america's best value motel in wellsville, NY] ; #2. jamestown community college at cattaraugus county in olean, NY [ 32.5 miles from tops supermarket on bolivar road / SR-417 near downtown wellsville] ; or #3 corning community college in corning, NY [ which is at least 45 miles from alfred , NY via hornell , and something like 53.5 miles from the motel in wellsville.

WHAT REASON THEN, DO I HAVE TO EVEN WANT TO STAY IN ALLEGANY COUNTY, NEW YORK ; BESIDES THE BEAUTIFUL SCENERY AND SLOWER PACE OF LIFE ?

AM I REALLY GOING TO HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH HOUSEWIVES MY AGE MARRIED TO HARD WORKING GOOD OLD BOYS WHO DRIVE FOUR WHEEL DRIVE PICK UP TRUCKS LIKE DODGE RAMS AND FORD
F-150/250/350's ?

perhaps I would have as much in common with them as I did with those yuppie homemaker mommies back in southbury CT , chico, CA , or westchester county , NY .

surely I can say " YEEE HAWW" as well if not better then any of them can . and yes, to some extent I actually like country western music ; not all of it but some of it. I love george strait , gretchen wilson , and yes, especially THE DIXIE CHICKS . and lady antibellum is okay , as well as miranda lambert with her awesome song titled " white liar"

and yes, I love cruising the fucking back roads out in the country on a moonlit night just like any of those good old girls would. not that stuben county NY lacks that same country atmosphere just west, south, and north of corning ; as they say down in the florida panhandle in the words of former florida state university coach , Bobby Bowden ; " THEY SHO DO NOW IN OLE STEW-BEN COUNTY , NEW YORK . SHO DO GOT SOME COUNTRY ROADS AND ALL THAT SHEE-IT NOW. "

but , much like leon county, florida which has its tallahassee, now a decent sized with neary 200,000 population , stuben county, NY has its corning . yes, the glass museum and factory , the corning corporation which has to be one of the largest employers in western NY's southern tier , many art galleries and coffee shops, and more.

in nearby elmira it is said that they've even got a lesbian and gay bar which is very killer awesome. not sure as to what smaller corning has to offer in the LGBT scene, but it may have something .

all allegany county , on the other hand, has to offer for cultural offerings is the wellsville arts center , terra cotta coffee house here in alfred ; and little more except for , possiblly, an art gallery in angelica .

wellsville is best known for many bars catering to both the redneck assholes in pick up trucks and the older bikers this area is full of . there are some excellent theatre and musical productions held downstairs at the David A Howe library;but that is about it . in fact there aren't even any nearby state parks and only oner state forest to go hiking in , providing that you dodge the fucking mudholes along the cross country ski trails dug up by , you guessed it, REDNECK MORONS DRIVING FOUR WHEEL DRIVE " QUADS" , OR ALL TERRAIN VEHICLES .

and so , wellsville new york, where the men are men , the women double breasted , barefoot in winter and pregnant nearly every summer ; and the sheep [ lesbians, gays,bisexuals,transgender] are afraid to come out of the closet and just be themselves.

the only thing besides my two friends , ashley and walt and their toddler , matthew, and some of the younger folks at the wellsville open mike at wellsville arts , I will miss is not much besides deb at that motel, the manager and her granddaughter, trish .

2010-05-28T13:46:00.000-07:00

and so , life in wellsville NY . I applied for a mobile home in a trailer park named level acres, a place formerly known to be full of redneck assholes and dope dealers , but now being cleaned up by the new landlord. I learned of this place from my new neighbors at the america's best value motel in wellsville, NY ; ashley and walt; a younger couple with two kids[ and one on the way ] whom recently moved up from south carolina in the greenville area which is up in the applachian mountain foothills . they both are very nice as well as being okay with my being a transwoman . this unlike so many of the local fucking rednecks living around here in allegany county's wellsville NY and over the PA state line in a town called genesee, PA.

sunday june 6

and so , the mobile in that trailer park? I never heard back from that fucking skinny ass little twitbox whom is the office manager there. who the fuck knows why , either ? I joined up. but cancelled after the " free week" , this people search service online ; mostly so that I could look myself up under my now legal name , cheryl oropal, as well as " It" and see just exactly what these mostly fuckhead landlords are looking up when they run my background check .

the results? well I could find NO LINK BETWEEN THE THE TWO NAMES . and so , I am semi-relieved to know this ; sort of anyway . under the former name of " It" , I had something like a total of 12 convictions for this and that ; everything from that hit and run with injuries back in 1988 in daytona beach florida; to even those charges[ breach of peace and filing false statement] brought about by a GOD DAMN CORRUPT POLICE FORCE BETTER KNOWN AS THE SOUTHBURY , CONNECTICUT POLICE DEPARTMENT . THIS WHEN CONNECTICUT STATE POLICE " SGT NAZI" , KEN KRAMER , WAS THE HEAD HONCHO IN CHARGE OF THESE COPS WHOM WERE MOSTLY A BUNCH OF REDNECK LOSERS.

this after they sadly failed to do the investigation the correct , new york city police department way and instead chose to side with the younger pot dealers whom brutally assalted me [ back as the " M" creature ] ; cody labrie and david eisenbach.

IN A SMALL TOWN , IT PAYS TO BE " ONE OF THEM" .

well that was then and this is now. here I am in one of the biggest redneck fuckholes of new york state; a place called "wellsville 14895" located about 30 miles east of olean [ ole-eey-ann] and 80 SW of buffalo , NY. it has a population of about 9,000 people, a kmart , mc donalds, burger king , fashion bug, tops/giant IGA/save a lot supermarkets , monroe auto service center , about 4-5 gas stations , a hospital; and a somewhat thriving historic main street with the wellsville twin movie theater [ 1930's style] , dragon house chinese restaurant, and the famous place called " texas hot" serving the best god damn hotdog y'all ever had this side of the mason dixon line.

it also features a coffee house better known as the wellsville arts center [ www.wellsvilleartscenter.org ] , which hosts a , GAG ME TO THE MAX , weekly open mike billed as a " FAMILY FRIENDLY VENUE" [ choke me with a zircon encrusted spoon , I am sure ] . well at first it seemed like I was reasonably well-recieved at their weekly open mike night held a 7 Pm till about 10 every fucking wednesday .

I was not just the ONLY fucking POET reading there , this open mike catering to nearly all musicians , many of whom either do old rock and roll , biker-hippie shit like the grateful dead, ZZ top, stuff from the movie " easy rider " [ 1969] ; or, you guessed it ; COUNTRY MUSIC .

I actually liked country somewhat till I moved to this fucking god and devil forsaken place; referring to many of the locals, redneck jerk-asses whom drive huge pick-em-up , four wheel drive trucks like the dodge ram and ford F-150/F-250/F-350 series. vehicles generally designed for the many hard working men whom, around here " work hard for a dollar" doing farm work , construction on the natural gas wells , or maybe at alstom or dresser -rand. [ and yes, the
" redneck women" whom drive big trucks , " love" and perfume their pussies up to the limit for their loyal man { whose probably out fucking every other younger woman around town he meets during his after work , volunteer fireman
" duties" sort of like old gearge strait in his song titled " the fireman" . LOL } while taking care of his 3-5 kids who'd go barefoot in winter and foodless , homeless if it were not for the " gracious" social services system here in allegany county , NY ; the state's 2nd poorest county by the way. ]

but now I swear that I am getting to HATE FUCKING COUNTRY MUSIC . AT LEAST THE NEW SHIT PLAYED ON " THE PIG " , WPIG - FM IN OLEAN, NY . you know what they say , ladies? don't you ?

BIG TRUCK= SMALL PENIS [ THE LOCATION OF THEIR FUCKING BRAINS BY THE WAY]

anyway, back to the " family atmosphere" of this wellsville open mike at the wellsville arts center . at first I was well recieved by mike, the super awesome host of this open mike here every wednesday night from about 7-10 PM . he still likes my shit,that it is original. BUT.......the " wellsville , narrow minded parental brigade" seems to have had its way , as I was told just last week , because of the very few swearwords I used in two of my older poems ; that I must " tone it down as they had many e-mail complaints and it is a FAMILY ATMOSPHERE with many children present .

first of all , and this I told him, the owner of wellsville arts who is an aging hippie out of the new york city area ; THERE WERE NO CHILDREN PRESENT AT ALL THAT NIGHT . turns out he meant TEENAGERS BETWEEN 14-18 YEARS OF AGE - HARDLY WHAT I WOULD FUCKING CALL " CHILDREN" .

HERE IS THE PROBLEM . IT IS NOT THE FUCKING TEENS [ UNLESS WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SOME OF THE DUMB ASS " CHRISTIAN " YOUTH HERE IN WELLSVILLE WHOM ACTUALLY BELIEVE THE RELIGIOUS, " ABSTINANCE BASED SEXUAL EDUCATION" HORSESHIT THE LOCAL GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING PASTOR AT THEIR PARENTS AND GRADNPARENTS' BAPTIST AND EVANGELICAL CHURCHES ARE BRAINWASHING THEM WITH . [ THIS OF COURSE TILL THEY SIMPLY BECOME YET ANOTHER ONE OF THE NEARLY 25% OF ALLEGANY COUNTY'S PREGANT AND MARRIED BY AGE 18 TEENS ]

IT IS THE FUCKING HILLBILLY SHIT-WADS THAT CALL THEMSELVES
" PARENTS" , YET ARE TOO GOD DAMN BLIND TO SEE THAT THEIR " GOOD LITTLE GIRL" DAUGHTER , " MARY JO DOEFUCK" IS DOING A HELL OF A LOT MORE ON FRIDAY NIGHTS AT THE FIREHOUSE ON MAIN STREET WITH HER LONG TIME BOYFRIEND " BILLY BOB DICKBRAINS" THAN WATCHING HIM " POLISH THE FENDER ON THAT BIG OLE FIRETRUCK ALL NIGHT TILL THE FIRE CALLS COME IN .

I look around me here in wellsville and what do I see ? well a lot of people whom are ignorant , have barely an 8th grade education before they drop out of school [ the girls to get pregnant and marry billy bob dickbrains :) ] ; MANY WHOM ARE SCARED OF ME AND WHAT I REPRESENT TO THEIR NARROW MINDED LITTLE
" ESTABLISHMENTARIAN ORDER " OF BORN MALE=BOY/MAN , BORN FEMALE=GIRL/LADY .

THIS ONE FUCKING OLDER LIBRARIAN AT THE DAVID HOWE LIBRARY HERE IN TOWN , WHOM I HAVE BEEN MORE POLITE TO THAN MANY OTHERS; STILL TREATS ME LIKE SHIT EVERY FUCKING TIME I GO TO CHECK IN TO USE THE INTERNET OR CHECK OUT ANYTHING WITH MY LIBRARY CARD. [ there is one whom is really nice to me there , melody . sweet lady if there was any { I think she came here from new york city many years ago }.and yes, lezz-dar on high alert now , jen , a cute 20-something butchy-femme woman , smart and a major radical feminist sporting short, boy-like hair with girly girl earrings ; I think just may be one of the " family" . this along with one of the actors whom, in " greek mythology in 89 minutes or less" , a play they had a few weeks ago at the david a. howe library in the downstairs theatre/stage , may be one of us. she sure as shit played the MEN'S PARTS AWESOME .

and so , lil' ms. bitcherella cheryl has no fucking problem with their god damn
" family-friendly atmosphere " at the wellsville open mike . ANY EDUCATED POET CAN GET THE SAME MESSAGE ACROSS WITHOUT USING ONE , SO CALLED
" VULGAR" WORD.

and so , honey . this is what I will do ; I will write a nice little poem about all these ugly looking redneck inbreeds I see on wellsville's main street on friday night ; crew-cut wearing fucking morons with their penises serving as their main brain often seen walking arm in arm with some dumb as dead maple tree stump , high femme, prissy-pants girl wearing those size 3 , stupid looking skinny jeans. [ and probably sucking his dick in the back of his dodge ram " hemi" like the fucking country music slut her salad eating ass truly is :) ]

this until she marries the cock-wad at age 19 and he goes out, cheats on her, gets drunk as a fucking skunk and then .........soon as she starts to complain that he is emotionally unavailable ...................one hot summer night he comes home drunk and ...............WHAM ................POW...........SMACK ...........DIAL 911 IF YOU CAN DO SO, SWEETIE . JUST REALIZE THAT , SINCE YOUR NOW HUSBAND IS BOTH A FIREMAN AND WELL KNOWN IN TOWN .........THE SHERRIFF IS FIXING TO LOOK IN HIS FAVOR , BABY .

and while you nurse your tears and take care of the four children he donated sperm to produce in order to show his " love" for you ?

tune in to country music TV for some lady antibellum , carrie underwood , eat your fucking salad and lean cusine so you can either keep that tiny little butt nice and trim like ; or if you are now 400 pounds and fat as the house itself ; try and get back to the little, stupid as all get the fuck on out , redneck woman country start look-alike that you used to be .

fear not , sweetie, as you just may find another sweet dickweed just like him all over again here in wellsville , bolivar, or maybe genesee, pennsylvania. THERE ARE PLENTY TO GO AROUND I'M SURE .

now for the good news . today I went to alfred in the morning to attend services at the quaker/friends meting house. it was okay , I guess , but for me whom is more used to listening to some liberal " sermon " at a unitarian universalist fellowship
it was hard to get into their " silent service" [ chico UU's I MISS Y'ALL WISH THAT I WAS BETTER ABLE TO MAKE IT ON MY OWN AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT BULLSHIT TORRES SHELTER FOR THE HOMELESS www.chicoshelter.org I miss the marijuana and everything out there in CA ]

well I have discovered that , here in hornell , a small city in mostly rural western new york's southern tier bordering PA , they do in fact have a small unitarian congregation . one which often meets every other sunday except in summer at the hornell senior center .

I chatted with penny , the facilitator for this small, but definitely liberal like most, unitarian universalist congregations , and she told me that it was more of an
" earth centered" group ; more into earth based spirtuality . THIS IS JUST WHAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR .

anyway, next week on june 13 , they are having a drum circle at some woman artist's home here in western new york . I would more then love to go , and right now , I see this as a way of hooking up with others like minded ; rather then get my fucking ass all depressed with both my economic situation of trying to survive on just $781 per month and a measley $132 in fucking food stamps here in new york. [ a joke considering that back in connecticut they gave me $200 , same as my girlfriend debbie gets out in taos,new mexico along with her section 8 paying most of her $525 a month rent for her 2 BR apt ]

I am going , as I need to get out of this funk and the resulting thoughts of suicide as the only way out of this hell ; in this psycological and social " hellhole " dominated by mostly stupid , lower income [ like myself , the income part only] , church going CRAPTISTS and other , dumb as fuck and then some; born again EVANGELICAL REDNECK ASSHOLES . A PLACE CALLED ALLEGANY COUNTY , VERY PRETTY ; YET VERY MUCH IGNORANT WHEN IT COMES TO EVEN OUR SMARTEST , LOCAL INTELLEGENSIA .

2010-05-17T17:23:00.000-07:00

well... I knew it. on friday i took the placement test , the third one since november since I took that one in oregon at oregon coast community college , then in illinois at shawnee c.c. and what did I learn ? well that I was one of the highest prospctive students at jamestown community college-cattaraugus campus when it came to the essay part of the test . and so, I guess I may be fixing to return to community college in the fall of 2010; that at age 47 and a " whole other lifetime " away from when I last attended college as " It " oropal . it should be interesting, but I am not sure as to what I want to study . I am thinking possibly the graphic arts certificate or A.A.S. degree , but right now not exactly sure .

otherwise, what else? well so far I have not yet heard back from fucking Kmart or fucking payless; two places I applied for part time work . truthfully, I seriously doubt they'd even hire me when they have so many more qualified applicants ,
" qualified" meaning a steady work history . I have been once again considering either selling avon or mary kay, but not really sure if that is the way

2010-05-10T15:14:00.001-07:00

I often wonder as to if anybody out there in cyberspace is actually reading this . [ besides my now dead brother's former girlfriend of 10 years, andrea kolodziev,{ and her bitch " princess, ashley} the god damn bitch that suprised him with her " little love child" and sucked his bank account dry like a leach.] ; that is. and if they are, I wonder what they are thinking ?

I've had one fan so far , this god damn born again " christian" douchbag whom critized me for saying all those , in his words , " cusswords" that children and women may read on my blog. ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW THESE ASSHOLES THAT CALL THEMSELVES " CHRISTIANS" SEEM TO BE BAPTIST HELL BENT ON FORCING THEIR SUPPOSEDLY MORAL BULLSHIT ON EVERYBODY THEY DO NOT AGREE WITH ?

on the other hand , I must wonder who else is out there reading this blog , possibly relating to all this anger I have been spewing . maybe some awesome bi-dyke woman who would surely be more then worth getting to know better. [ e-mail me at : trannilesbian69@gmail anytime , sweetie . :) as I could use a good hiking partner :) ]

anyway, so like I said last week, " one step foward and 13 steps back ". seems to be the story of my often worthless , shitty ass life . and so, today I got this letter from the NY state dept of social services telling me that I do qualify for food stamp benefits , based upon paying $ 508.40 month rent and that I am " staying at motel" . thing is all I will be getting is fucking $ 132 a month . THAT IS SHIT . IN CONNECTICUT I RECIEVED $200 IN F.S. PER MONTH BASED UPON " PAYING $470 A MONTH RENT PLUS UTILITIES ; SAME AS WHAT MY GIRLFRIEND , DEBBY , NOW LIVING IN HER SECTION 8 FUNDED 2 BR APT IN TAOS , NEW MEXICO ; IS GETTING OUT WEST THERE .

and so, I fucking figured out that this comes to ONLY $ 33 per week for food . THAT SUCKS ASS ! AND HERE I THOUGHT THAT FUCKING NEW YORK WAS SO GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING WONDERFUL ?

in other things , well I drove all the way down to the city [ NewYork,NY ] on friday , and what a fucking long god damn ride it was. starting out on andover road/ SR 417 where I am temporarily living at the motel across from alstom air preheater company ; I headed toward corning ; passing through many small towns including one in stuben county which had many amish people living in it. from there I got onto US 15 north and then onto freeway I - 86 east to binghamton , NY; where I picked up I-81 south toward scranton , PA; then south on I-381 to I-80 and then headed into new jersey [the part of which lived up to its motto, " garden state " ] . I then went all the way into the shitter , more urban part of NJ , exiting onto US 46 east at exit 53 , then onto NJ route 3 all the way to the mother fucking holland tunnel ; at which point it was about 3:30 Pm and fuck , the traffic got bad as hell .

what a mother fucking tiresome long ride of over 300 miles , and here I thought that I was not gonna get to callen lorde at 356 west 18th st by 4:30 PM when my appt with ward carpenter was at . well , luck had it that I did , and yes, thought I found a nice, close by parking spot which later turned out to be a " no parking between 8 Am to 6 Pm monday-friday" zone . yeah, a ticket and $65 at that ; which I am not gonna be able to pay for the next few months at least ; as I am strapped for money and only anticipate things getting far worse before they even get halfway better.

otherwise , trying hard to focus on the good things , the state univ. of NY got my application and now it's the waiting game to see if I get accepted into alfred SUNY tech . which , by the way , was close to where I'd looked at a 3 BR/1 BA mobile home this sunday [ yesterday] ; $350 per month plus $350 security deposit is what this guy wanted to move in ; utilities would be extra every month , of which both stove and heat run on propane gas , which could be fucking majorly expensive; along with the electric - national grid power co. . but the fucker has roommate potentials; as with alfred state tech [ which I'm hoping to get into] and alfred university- a private liberal arts college [ for mostly kids from wealthier families whom stay right there in campus apts ] right close by [ 7 miles ] ; it will not be too hard to find somebody to help with expenses .

whether I'd get along with somebody else ? that's another story , as I do not even see myself having the potential for making friends around here ; this area being realitively conservative and rural and having mostly married heterosexual ;
" dick fucks chick and they have many rugrats" types of people .

BUT I WANTED TO BE OUT IN THE COUNTRY , RIGHT ?

ANYWAY , later on while in NY city , I went to the nuyorican poets cafe , $10 cover charge at the door to see one of the USA and the world's best poetry slams around held every friday night . in some ways , despite the frustration of city life and how it can be next to impossible to live there if you have a car, that plus the awfully high rents and how every body seems afraid ot talk to people they do not know because of crime, sexual assault fears ; new york and san francisco have one good thing about them. DIVERSITY HONEY . they are places where lesbians , transexuals , goths and freaks of all sorts , whatever you are , all seem to fit in by standing out.

I met this really cool poet at nuyorican , Ra, a guy whom works setting up audio systems for his company ; a great union job by the way . he can afford to lve anyplace he wishes . anyway , we smoked some herb and he later even treated me to an early morning brunch ; something you can do only in new york, NY or S.F. ; maybe orlando FL or miami and L.A. of course [ if you have a car ] so it was cool

2010-05-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew the mother fucking landlord's name that I talked to last night at 585-268-7236, because I would warn everybody about this DISCRIMINATORY FUCKING DICKHEAD. where do I begin ? well I was about to leave to go to the awesome wellsville open mike they have here at the wellsville arts center [ www.wellsvilleartscenter.org ] , and this mother fucker was asking me every kind of question he could ; from where do I /what do I work at / do; to how many references I have from prior rentals. this to which I said " none" as I never really rented except twice under " It" oropal - something of course I do not put down as that buck fuck ugly "monkey" name I was assigned at birth based upon a pile of fleshly shit I was unfortunately CURSED with and I am working hard to try and forget about to the point that I crossed out that former " gorrilla name" on my original GED diploma.

well it ended up that this god damn mother fucker of a penis brain had then refused to even show me the place ; saying over the phone that he[ his own words] " had plenty of guys looking that were working ." WELL FUCK YOU THEN" IS WHAT I BOTH FELT AND SHOULD HAVE SAID TO HIM ; WITH THE EXTRA WORDS " YOU DICKHEAD ". I mean what a god damn asshole , especially for the 2 BR " house trailer" which was a 10 ft by 60 ft place " out in the woods" as he described it for just $350 a month plus utilities ; $700 to move in which the allegany social services and ACCORD would have helped me out with providing the place was " livable" . BY THE WAY " MR. DICKHEAD " SOUNDED , IT IS MORE THEN LIKELY A PIECE OF RAT INFESTED SHIT .

and so , I could have gotten to the wellsville open mike much eariler rather then waste over 15 mins of my time dealing with " Mr dick-skull " , the LANDLORD FROM FUCKING SOUTHERN BAPTIST HOLY HELL . I bet when I showed up , this fuckwad of a penile implant would have done about the same shit as that guy with the place for rent up in caneadea; which by the way, is still up for rent and now $320 instead of $295 . turns out he is a roofing company owner with his home teck industries[ www.hometeck.com ] FUCKWAD # 1[ BIGOT HOMOPHOBE] and FUCKWAD #2[ DICKHEAD TO THE MAX] .

anyway , otherwise last night was a blast at the wellsville open mike. I read two poems I had just written, one last week titled " WHERE IS MY AMERICAN DREAM ? " , about all the bullshit that I've been going through for the past six months plus in dealing with trying to find a place to live ; from the lincoln and lane county housing authority in oregon ; to here in western new york state . that and all the bullshit one must go through just to apply for an $8.00 an hour, retail shit job at either Kmart or payless shoes.

the second one, " lesbian? or not? ", was more toned down , and asked the question that I have been wondering. it is possible to be a transsexual lesbian? [ actually if you were born physically " male" and thought that you were " straight" , as in sexually attracted to women ; then once you cross over the line and come out as a transsexual female and are still attracted to women ; you become a DYKE, or LESBIAN. ] it is frustrating, as I surely am still , perhaps much more so , attracted to women ; like this awefully cuter then cute, feminist boi looking 20-something librarian whom works here at wellsville library as well as the one in olean who I'm not sure if she is or not :) but am wondering as she's so awesome . yet those buck fuck ugly " leftovers" down there seem to get in the way of what I'd really love to have in my life ; as in an awesome killer parnership with a compatable lesbian . maybe I need to find a nice bi-dyke woman ????

otherwise , we had this huge thunderstorm last night and I went out for a drive down a few country roads , real COUNTRY ROADS NOT LIKE THOSE OVERTRAVELLED THINGS WE HAD BACK IN " YUPPIE-NECTICUT" . I thought about the nice things in life for once, the SIMPLE PLEASURES ONLY A COUNTRY GAL COULD NOT FIND BORING [ but may find even more enjoyable sharing them with a special guy if they are heterosexually inclined , or in my case , a nice " boi" , or dyke :) ].

tomorrow I make the long , 5 and 1/2 hour drive into new york city to my lesbian and gay clinic where I've been recieving my hormones . I must go , or else they will stop prescribing them for me and I'd DEFINITELY MUCH RATHER BE DEAD THAN GO BACK TO THAT " MONKEY " CREATURE . I like how I now can get along with women so much better and how I now see most STRAIGHT MEN as the fucking dicks they truly are .

it should be interesting to see NY city for the first time in over a year , as well as to see my endocrinologist , ward , or dr carpenter , MD . truthfully I am slightly worried , and I think I may have to find a closer place . but for now I will go .

2010-04-30T12:58:00.000-07:00

so here I am today in olean, NY , which ' round here cowgrrl, is what locals call the " big city" not that I miss either the fucking suburbs or the big city; as both new york, san francisco, sacramento, etc. are nice places to visit; but they suck if you aint one of the " chosen yuppies" . speak of which, I have to either drive all the way down to manhattan , NY city next friday , or find out how much the trailways bus costs. if it is less than the estimated 2-1/2 tanks of gas @ about $35 each tank, then it may just be well worth it. that and the stress of driving with all those city driving assholes; something we don't see too much of up thisy here part of lil' ol' new york state.

and so, yesterday I spoke with the person whom would have been my landlord had things worked out right . he said he has another mobile home, this one next to his folks' home on the hill right across from the original , 2 BR one; which, by the way , had its one drawback; the fucking parking situation .

you would have to either, 1. stop your car on the somewhat well travelled county road and back up , which I'd recommend doing like the truck driver's do with your emergency flashers on. the other way would be to fucking pull in, but then you'd have to back out onto that fucking county road ; which during the day, while not nearly as busy as old field road in southbury, CT or newtown's castle hill rd. ; but has the same kind of " rural road driver mentality" in the sense that both the newer yuppies now coming into the olean " metropolitan" area as well as the fucking young buck REDNECKS with dicks so long they serve as their " central lower MALE brains" ; all go way too fucking fast. this even though I have to say that, for the most part, people ' round here seem to obey the posted speed limits because , 1. they aint all that much in a hurry to do the half a million things they've got to do [ unlike those busy all the time breeders down in southbury and newtown CT ] ; and 2. the new york state police around these parts are highly " ticket eager" and love to write tickets for anything they can get somebody on.

and so, looks like I will be staying at the best value motel in wellsville for [ hopefully if the money does not run out before then ] another month or so; as I aint too thrilled to "accept the first offer of a suitable apartment" like the fucking social services and ACCORD corpopration [ whom works with the DSS to help the homeless find " suitable" places] expects me to do.

I DID NOT MOVE ALL THE WAY THE FUCK OUT HERE INTO THE COUNTRY TO LIVE IN SOME FUCKING VILLAGE OR SMALL CITY AND BE 6" FROM THE NEX DOOR NEIGHBORS ; HAVING TO PUT UP WITH ALL THEIR GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING BULLSHIT AND COMPLAINTS ABOUT THIS AND THAT WHICH " OFFENDED " THEM IN SOME FUCKING WAY.

I MOVED OUT TO WESTERN NEW YORK STATE FOR THE PEACE AND QUIET AFFORDED BY A LLIFE OUT IN THE COUNTRY; SOMETHING WHICH FOR THE PAST 9 GOD DAMN MONTHS I HAVE BEEN ALL OVER THE USA LOOKING FOR. I did not wish to live in eugene, OR , nice a city as it is, nor chico, CA or even santa fe, NM - equally nice cities but santa fe's quite expensive.

and that said , I am fixing to hold out for what I consider to be " suitable" , and if I decide to take an apt offered me ? well it better be downstairs so that I can easily wheel my bicycle right on in that door. then again, with my now sucky credit and lack of previous landlord's references; along with my measley $781 monthly income; I doubt that I will be offered very much in the way of anything truly suitable.

2010-04-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

life sucks [ in the USA ] and then you fucking die. [ exclamation point] this should be my fucking mantra , as nothing ever seems to work the fuck out for me , ever.

case in point, this about a mobile home on a 77 acre farm outside allegany NY on five mile road. anyway, y'all, here I called the landlord's mother back , or she called me, and, as I fucking remember correctly, I told her that yes, I was interested in the place still. well maybe I did not say it just like that , maybe I said " I'll take it definitely, but I guess I'll have to wait for the rest of the work to be done, like the window cranks being put on and all that" or whatever. well, needless to say , the words got crossed in the conversation between the future landlord , who was out of town doing his music gigs and traveling; and fuck , wouldn't y'all know. she assumed that I was not interested and when another couple came to look at it and fuck, wouldn't y'all know it; the fuckers said they'd take it and move in on the first of the month.

I probably should have called back every god damn mother fucking day to see how things were coming along with the work , but shit if I did. I did not want to seem rude , and besides, I was busy trying to work out a budget to see if I could even afford this place ; which I would barely be able to do on this crummy ass social security check and in a country where the " welfare to work" REPUG-NI-CANS really think that somebody can actually survive on a shitty wal mart or payless shoes paycheck working at some shitass retail job; have been cutting every welfare subsidy on their mantra of " self sufficiency" more later, but for now I want to ask my few fans on this blog.

HELLO CANADA, CAN YOU HEAR ME OUT THERE? I THINK YOU'TRE COUNTRY IS NOW SO MUCH BETTER THEN THE USA

2010-04-15T17:11:00.000-07:00

so here I still am in wellsville NY , a small town of maybe 10,000 or so people . yesterday, I looked at a place, a 1 BR mobile set close to a county road yet on 77 acres of beautiful dairy farmland with views of the nearby alleghany mountains ; or " plateau" as they call them here in western new york state. it was awesome to say the least and hey, well within what I can[ barely!] afford for rent each month. the landlord wanted originally $400 a month plus $400 security deposit ; but was willing to negotiate down to $380 ; as many of the " city slickers" he has had looking at it so far find they do not like the idea of a half falling in old barn and the little bit of old farm tractor parts rusting away between that barn and the mobile.

it's got a really nice , small but not so small kitchen, a nice sized living room, one smaller BR and one which is larger. the single bathroom is quite roomy and has a really awesome sink with vanity and huge mirror , plus tub and shower combo which is hellaciously roomy and does not, like with many " trailers", have a too-low hanging shower spigot. the place heats with propane gas, which can be expensive in the winter months, and the electric runs around $100 a month ; both of which being that I am of low income- I can always get help from the NYS DSS with through their H.E.A.P. program .

so, despite the one objection that I have to living directly upon a well-travelled during the day numbered county route with often fast moving drivers on it; I loved it. the back of the mobile's got a small deck , one which I am sure you could use for a deck chair or/and a small BBQ grill or southern style " smoker" [ to cook up your pulled pork like they do down in rural florida ] .

I am definitely hoping that I will get this fucking place! the younger landlord's a blues musician ; this I just learned today from his mom , a really super nice country lady with whom I had a awesomely long talk with over the phone[ he's on his way to st louis to do a few gigs, and he plays all over the world in places like germany and shit ] the place, I am told, should be ready in just a few weeks , he will resume work soon as he gets back in town.

thing is, though , it is located just about 6.5 miles north of what they call the " five mile" in allegany NY ; and just 10.5 miles from olean [ pronounced " O-lee-ann" ] ; actually about 12 miles from jamestown community college's cattaraugus co. campus ; one of the two colleges I have recently applied to along with alfred state tech college in alfred.

so things may be looking up , and I hope to fucking hell I get this place. this is what I came up to this part of new york state for , not to have to live in some " buck fuck" apartment around a bunch of neighbors; some of whom may be nice people; but others whom may be potential assholes about the slightest thing I may do which they do not approve of.

2010-04-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

" hillbilly deluxe - slick pick-em-up trucks- big timin' in a small town- ridin' it out- just around sundown " . yeah, bout right y'all , I think that was the opening line from a song by brooks and dunn, a country group I like, but hate their political views, as they were all for asshole ex-Us presdient BUSH. and that, my friends, basically descrbes where I am now living ; in ALLEGANY COUNTY , NEW YORK [ DEFINITELY NOT THE " NEW YORK STATE OF MIND" IN BILLY JOEL'S SONG AT ALL- FAR FROM IT :) ]

yeah, the welfare office has set me up in a motel called the americas best value inn on SR - 427 in wellsville NY . it's a fuck of a lot better then every fucking god damn shelter I've both stayed in, and NOT stayed in [ because they expected me to bunk with the male monkeys because of what I was born as-UNFORTUNATELY ] . but I am supposed to be out and looking[ or at least calling the landlords and either getting rejected or never getting a call back] at at least 15 apts/mobile homes/small houses per week, of which I can say I've only called/ saw about 10 so far, tonight the small 1 BR apt in farm country in caneadea NY will make # 11. hey, for just $295 a month, if it is nice I will take it- as it's surrounded by some of the most beautiful , real country that you'll ever find back in the east.

and so, what is it like? well everything from rude stares by both men and even the women, to the usual smiles from quite a few women, to some of the most friendly people you will fucking find in the state of new york. NO CITY IS LIKE THIS, DEFINITELY NOT CONNECTICUT NOR WESTCHESTER COUNTY WITH ALL THOSE HIGH FEMMY FASHION QUEENS I KNEW FROM THE HUDSON VALLEY WRITER'S CENTER [ www.writerscenter.org ]

okay , I have got to get off , but more on this later . I got my post office box today in wellsville, so that must be a START . and hell is it ever slow paced around here .

2010-03-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

after returning to connecticut[ a mistake I feel I made to go back to CT] and staying with my sister in law in the best section of bridgeport better known as black rock , this for 6 days , I ended up in fucking danbury, CT at the dorothy day homeless shelter on spring street in downtown. this in what used to be the black neighborhood but is now getting taken over by the mexicans , brazillians, and south americans; all of whom work really hard for low wages and , despite what many american born citizens think about immigrants; are literally rebuilding the former " hoods" .

and so, sick once again of fucking connecticut and its often shitty ass, in a hurry all the time people; along with the hopeless prospectf of having to live in the worst hoods of either bridgeport, waterbury, or even danbury; I left last night for western new york state. so here I am in watkins glen, NY at the library, and yeah , I think this is where I will find my country home I have been looking for, more later. see my page on facebook at cheryl lynne o.

2010-03-17T17:06:00.001-07:00

so my best friend, warren of avon connecticut said to me on the phone while I was still in fucking california; " Jodi Rell wants you back. she says that " you belong in CT" he then said how he'd "never ever leave a place like california to come back to a place as boring as CONNECTICUT." his very next words? " CONNECTICUT SUCKS SO BAD THAT IT SEEMS TO SUCK YOU BACK" [ into moving back long after you moved away and returning to live once again in it].

humm..........? so what the fuck did I come back to fucking connecticut then? well, in my position in life and being dependent upon a goverment social security disablity check[ SSDI+ SSI] , in california I was fixing to get a " huge increase" with their state suppliment ; my monthly S.S. income going from just $694 total to a national high of either $845 or $865. BUT.....in california, they then cut your food stamp eligibility down to a big, fat $0.00 . ZERO FOOD STAMP BENEFITS IN CA FOR THOSE WHOM RECIEVE SOCIAL SECURITY DISABILITY.

that was just one of the reasons, the others were...... 1. a 1-2 year waiting list for section 8 housing in butte county, CA . 2. NO help from the state of CA/butte county dept of social services with security deposit funding; a place which they've now both merged with and then renamed " One Stop" or the " Cal Works" office.[ " jobs first" , but in reality the truth is that even $8.00 an hour Mc donald's is not hiring in butte county; by the way]

and so , having dealt with enough shit from that fucking 20-21 year old college student bitchbag , KIRA, one of the staff at the torres shelter at 101 silver dollar way in chico, CA[ www.chicoshelter.org] and definitely THE HARDEST ONE WORKING THERE TO DEAL WITH ; I got my brakes fixed on my 1996 honda accord LX and , on march the 4th, 2010; I set out to drive back east to either new york state or connecticut.

along the way, I was on the budget plan, by the way; sleeping in freeway/tollway rest areas in nevada, wyoming, iowa, illinois, indiana, new york[ both chataqua and sullivan counties] and finally ; the rest area/state tourist information center in danbury, connecticut at freeway I-84 exit 2. I ran out of money back in iowa; having used all of my monthly social security income on that well-needed front brake job at midas of chico, CA[ they do great work, by the way-awesome], one night to shower at motel 6 chico[ after six days of sleeping in the car because torres shelter banned me till friday , march 5 over the " Carolyn, key tossing incident"; and yes, all the gas I needed to get as far as I did.

back in iowa, little did I know, but my $148 a month conn. state suppliment from the CT DSS ran out on the first day of march. being that I was hardly able to keep up with my mail , and I am sure that the state of CT did not foward it to cottage grove,OR/anna,IL/chico,CA from 434 c heritage village in southbury, CT 06488.

and so, that sometimes wonderful, but " reality-based" older sister, linda hayduk; she came to my rescue for one, and only one, time. she was so gracious enough to help me by depositing , with my permission, $300 of her own , hard-earned money ; into my bank account at wachovia/wells- fargo- another one of those big ripoff USA banks for sure.

and so, I was able to stay at a motel 6 in both palatine, IL [ near chicago] and another one in horseheads, NY[ near elmira] on the mostly finished I-86 freeway. I also had just enough in gas money, as well as was able to get myself a decent meal at both white castle in chicago's south end and mc donalds on the indiana turnpike tollway I-80/90. on yes, that $6.15 chinese buffet lunch at best buffet in fredonia NY.

and so, I again got to see chicago on the cheap, taking more photos that I originally lost when my former camera got stolen while staying with that black , gay guy in murphysboro, IL back in dec. I was originally considering settling someplace reasonably affordable in western or central new york state close to elmira; but instead decided to continue on to connecticut; a place I mistakenly assumed still had their social services dept.'s " homeless motel vouchers" . well guess what? having gotten to bridgeport where my sister in law was nice enough to put me up for a few days, yesterday I went to the CT DSS and discovered different. they no longer have any help for the homeless here in fucking connecticut. none whatsoever, all they do, much like california and new york , is tell you to find a homeless shelter to stay at.

the state of CT will help you with your security deposit, though; but you must first find a place where the landlord accepts those. and so, here I am back in the fucking place I left , returned to, and again left. and YEECH, BRIDGEPORT CONNECTICUT [ exception being black rock and a small area of the north end] is the worst place to live if you are a transgender person. ] as for finding a local shelter, well I am hoping that the hope house in fairfield , CT will take me in and allow me to stay with the women like my CT driver's license states I should be allowed to do.

I don't know what the fuck to do? as my sister in law, karen- whom is really nice, is already helping out her nephew whom is staying there. I am thinking about renting a room on a farm in central NY for $450 month.

2010-03-12T08:13:00.000-08:00

" I'm just taking a greyhound......on the hudson river line....... I'M IN A NEW YORK......STATE.....OF MIND........".

and so were those famous words of Billy Joel , better known as the " Piano Man" of long island new york , USA . I believe that he wrote this song after living out in , where else ? CALIFORNIA - in the southern part around that well known " LA LA Land" of plastic people better known as lost angeles [ note that I deliberately misspelled Los Angeles , a city best known for hollywood fluff on one side, and the worst chicano/mexican, black, white, and asian gangs in all the USA . ]

anyway, after breifly toruing the amish country areas of both ohio , sleeping in freeway/tollway rest areas in nevada, wyoming, iowa, and staying one night at the motel 6 in palatine; a suburb close of chicago - a city I again wanted to see before heading back east .

truthfully, I'd much rather live in a small town than a big city, but I must admit that when it comes to crazy drivers in every urban/suburban area, chicago drivers , while in a rush like every other fucking city and burb in the USA, are for the most part reasonably polite.

In chi-town and the surrounding area, they at least will let you in lane in traffic if you put your turn signal on , much more so then I can say for drivers my native long island NY and NYC, well as orlando, FL , western and hartford/new haven area of connecticut , and , to a good extent ; in Cali-fucked-up-fornia. [ Chico, CA and sacramento area being a place where, despite the high enforcement zones set up by the infamous C.H. i. P.'s [ CALIFORNIA HIGHWAY PATROL ] , signaling your turns and freeway /road merges seems to be " optional" at best for about half the drivers.

and so, here I am back in one of the two so called " welfare states " , of course california being the [ now former and 20 billion in the red state budget ] " # 1 welfare state of them all. but don't worry , they've always got the crystal meth trade to provide a good income for those in 18 % unemployed chico and oroville.

so , having started out last thursday , march 25 at 6:30 PM , here I am on friday march 12 in elmira new york ; a place best known for being on the tail end of the western-central-northern new york snowbelt.

rents seem reasonably " affordable" around here, not that, for overpriced and overrated california, they were not in chico/oroville /butte/tehama/shasta/siskiyou county areas. [ must be the 100-110+ summer temps from june 15 to sept 10 in the lower elevations of the calif. central valley??? hummmm? ]

anyway, so here I am, having debated whether to return to, as my friend warren of avon says, " boring connecticut " ; a place with high rents and housing costs similar to anywhere desirable in california . [ and even places so remote like lassen county up in the high sierra mtns in the middle of nowhere and 20 miles from the nearest town ] connecticut has great social services for those that are poor and need govt assistance , sort of like new york state , I believe ; this unless things have changed since I, in the " former life" ; lived briefly in rural delaware county, NY 13 miles out of delhi in a mobile home on a farm.

well, they do say that this area, much like butte and shasta counties in CA , is rather conservative when compared to new york city , chicago, or san francisco. but you can find a nice, maybe older mobile home , apt, or even a house for between $300-$700 a month.

that and , like gail whom worked at the motel 6 in elmira, some really awesomw and down to earth people . not that chico and CA in general did not have some really awesome people.

it did, as well it had some of the NASTIEST MOTHER FUCKING, WHITE REDNECK BIGOTS TO BE FOUND ANYPLACE IN AMERICA- especially in places like paradise and magilia, CA where I had two fucking rednecky " good old dickheads" literally loudly singing that old , 1970's rock song titled " walk on the wild side" when they saw me{ and their lower male brains, their cocks got caught in their zippers-OUCH }

I will miss many of the nicer people I met at the chico, CA unitarian fellowship on filbert ave , people like dorothy , an older woman whom tried to really help me by asking me things like " what kind of job do you think you can get ? " , and " what would you really like to do in life? did you ever think about going back to college , as butte college is a really good school to find yourself in."

not that the state of new york does NOT have great colleges, the state U of NY , or S.U.N.Y. colleges , both the community colleges such as cortland-tompkins , NY state college of forestry [ at syracuse U ] , alfred SUNY college, and the delhi college of technology , a " two year" college in delhi NY ; are all great colleges and some of the best in the USA.

yeah , I think I want to first go down to the local DSS and see what they have here in NY state . then I'd love to look around to see what is out there to rent , be it a mobile home, small house, or if worst comes to worst ; an apartment either here in elmira-horseheads or , preferably in one of the nearby smaller villages like watkins glen [ a place with the most bitchen' waterfalls running through a huge, hemlock wooded gorge one has ever seen this side of green and much rainy northern OREGON. ]

yeah, I like it here, and yes, it looks like I am back in my state of birth, that NEW YORK....STATE.....OF.......MIND.

2010-03-02T16:23:00.000-08:00

from just " two days" to what the fuck ? yeah, it has been more then two days , try nearly five without a shower; as so far, sat., sun, monday and now tuesday , wednesday, and fucking thursday nights. well today I had met with both pat clark , my service coordinator at the torres shelter at 101 silver dollar way here in chico, CA and yes, " fair weather" louise; a the woman in charge who can be both a really nice and helpful person , then ever so quickly change like the kansas summer weather during tornado season into a mother fucking BITCH .

yeah, here I assumed that it was fixing to be just two days untill last night when I did not get back until nearly the 6:00 PM PST deadline. and so, pat , my SC , had already left and FUCKING KIRA- THE LITTLE COLLEGE BITCH OF BITCHES WHOM OFTEN WORKS THERE AT NIGHT FROM 4:30 pm TILL MIDNIGHT - TOLD ME " SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET HERE AT 4:30 LIKE YOU WERE EXPECTED TO TO SEE PAT, YOU HAVE TO STAY OUT ONE MORE NIGHT AND THEN CALL PAT IN THE MORNING AFTER TEN. "

and so , I did just that today and pat had set up at fucking appointment at 2 PM . and so, I was there right on time or a little earlier, but fucking aye mother fucking gods; I DID NOT KNOW WHAT I WAS IN FOR. yeah, the grilling and review of what my plans were as to how to become self sufficient and find an apt. here in fucking chico, cali-fucking-fornia , this besides what that god damn bitch of a dyke lesbian, carolyn hall , had said about my " touching her butt inappropriately" . something I admit to doing but NOT in the same way she phased it , that's for sure. I do admit that , at first, I found carolyn very attractive; her man-like butch ways and how she cusses all the time, tells fart jokes.

I mean WHAT LESBIAN , TRANSSEXUAL OR OTHERWISE, COULD NOT BE TURNED ON BY SOMEBODY LIKE HER [ even though she's a hillbilly who grew up all of her life in willows, CA, a tough redneck town south of orland , CA along the I-5 freeway which is best known for a truck stop, and all the farms employing both the naturalized and wetback mexicans who work really had in the fields here in northern calif.

as you already know, she soon turned on me after that and became my biggest ENEMY at the shelter even since misty and I went for that long drive to oregon that monday. I do admit that I misinterpreted her brief affectionate ways , like how she helf my hand briefly the day I was talking about killing myself in the car when we went to the chico unitarian fellowship that first sunday after she arrived at the torres shelter. this after her long time girlfriend, of 7 years, Pam and she got into a really big fight and she busted a coffee cup directly over pam's head ; she told me.

and so , louise , who can sometimes really be a mother fucking bitch , and patrick , had a long talk . this being the FIRST FUCKING TIME SINCE I ARRIVED AT THE TORRES SHELTER THAT HE HAD ANY SORT OF FUCKING MEETING WITH ME. okay, so what did they both say , and what did I say ?

well about the fucking accusations that carolyn said about what I did , she exaggerated at lot of what happened. she said shit like I " pinched her on her ass really hard" , when all that I did was to tap her. she also told them that " the second time I picked up that [padlock] key and threw it at her; this when all I did was pitch it on the ground like a fucking bowling ball. I WAS MAD AT HER GOD DAMN ASSHOLE OF AN ATTITUDE , THE REASON THAT I DID THIS.

now on to what fucking louise and my service coordinator , pat, had to say in my behalf. well one of their comments was that " I have been on vacation in california and staying at the torres emergency shelter with no intent of finding housing and making chico my permanent home. FIRSTLY , I TOLD THEM THAT I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE HERE IN CHICO , I HATE ALL CITIES AND FEEL

" CLUSTERFUCKED". then I went on and explained , upon deaf ears nevetheless; how I already came out to california, ended up in oregon homeless; then at mom's suggestion , returned to the east coast to connecticut where the social service, she felt and was damn well fucking correct ; were so much better than oregon. [ and now, california being even worse] .

both pat and fucking louise refused to even let me explain what I was back in california , and why I now do not see much hope in staying here in fucked up, 20 billion in the hole with the state budget because of asshole governor arnold swartzenegger. how I then decided that I did not want to live in mostly black and hispanic waterbury or any urban shithole back in CT and so, ventured to first, rural southern illinois, then upon ending up at the good samaritan homeless shelter in carbondale after having no luck finding housing ; continued farther west to colorado and then, santa fe , NM at the casa familia women's shelter .

then how I made the mistake of coming back west to wonderful fucking cali-fucked-up-fornia, a place that once was the greatest welfare and go to college for free and smoke pot all day ; state in america. this till the rich , movie star and yuppie assholes voted republican.

no, in pat and louise's eyes, " I am ingrateful of all the good things that they are doing at the torres shelter. " pat's words, " how they are busting their butts just so that we all have a roof over our heads until we can find permanent housing her in chico." which in some way they are right, as this was why I again left connecticut over the not wanting to live in some shithole ghetto in some CRAMPED EFFICIENCY APT.

thia after explaing that last nonth the car needed tires , this month I need brakes. the way that they look at things, I should simply let all this go and instead , ride the mother fucking bus all over chico while saving my SSDI/SSI money for an apartment in " wonderful chico" ; a place while having some really killer people; is even more like what I left back in CT - a yuppie shithole full of stuck up young mommies with kids whom are brats, jogging " california beauties" [ more like anorexic bitches] and little more .

and so, I have two more nights till I can go back to the god damn torres shelter . but will I do what they recommend , forgo the brake job on my honda accord 1996 just so I can have money to find a place to live here in wonderful, butte county, california- the former land of dreams turned " welfare reform nighmare" for the poor?

NO MOTHER FUCKING WAY , PAT AND LOUISE.

I DECIDED THAT I WILL INSTEAD RETURN TO THE EAST COAST , PROBABLY TO CONNECTICUT WHERE I AM STILL LEGALLY A STATE RESIDENT . WHERE ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS SPEND ONE DAY, AS A DISABLED PERSON ON SSDI + SSI, AT ANY HOMELESS SHELTER AND THE DSS [ social servs. ] GIVES YOU A " MOTEL VOUCHER" TO USE ON A CHEAP MOTEL .

I AM SURE THERE ARE PLENTY UP IN THE LITCHFIELD HILLS BY TORRINGTON, AS WELL AS OUT EAST IN THE " QUIET CORNER" BY KILLINGLY; THE PART OF CONN. THAT STILL IS QUITE RURAL.

GOODBYE CALIFORNIA- ROT IN HELL AND BURN IN YOUR SUMMER FIRES.

2010-02-27T15:47:00.000-08:00

well, the latest news from fucking underground chico, california. MURDER OR SUICIDE IN CHICO? yesterday, at about 11:30 AM , while driving by along park ave just past the god damn jesus center , I noticed a crowd standing at the bridge over little chico creek; along with the chico police and chico/butte co. fire dept.

and so, circling the blocks looking for parking , I finally parked on park ave in the meterless, " 2 hour parking" spot by the auto dealer. well after crossing the street, " jaywalking" style as they call it here in CA [ when you go across between the corners] , I, along with other homeless people I knew from both the torres shelter and the jesus center ; upon asking were told by the cops and firemen to " move on, there's nothing to see."

well what happened? somebody earlier spotted a body lying face down in the waters of the stream , which is fast-moving at this time of the year , but often dry as fuck in the summer's usual, calif. from may till november; drought with a few puddles. apparently, there was , as the chico enterprise record said today , " an unidentified vagrant lying face down in the water" . gotta love the way the fucking cops and fire-MEN say that now.

anyway, one black dude from the jesus center, one of the many homeless people living on the streets because they can't deal with the shelter's rules at either the sabbath house @ the jesus center [ for women born with their VAGINAS ONLY ] or the torres shelter [ operated by the city of chico and a private partnership called http://www.chicochelter.org/ and very open toward transgender being segregated in with their chosen gender , myself being legally female - yet still pre-op SRS ] ; he said something to the effect of " that's victor" or something like that.

personally, I never got to see ther body, but had thought of this two ways. 1. " oh fuck...I hope it is NOT buckeye. " and when I heard that the guy had a stab wound across his neck whom was dead, my first reaction was #2. " I HOPE IT IS FUCKING BRIAN, THAT NAZI DICKHEAD WHOM HARRASSES ME ALL THE TIME. HE DESERVES IT. [ needless to mention that , when the cops literally tried to twist the story around when he called them to give his LIES, which were " it tried to run me over with it's car", later that night, I threw a curse on him asking the goddess to curse him, " brian jacobs", as per the police printout; dead by the means of the dark god of light, " lucifer" :) ]

well last night while in the ladies restroom while back at the shelter, my friend when told about the possible murder and how it may be a " tweeker" or meth-head, she said " IT'S BRIAN I THINK. " she then added with " BUT DON'T GO AROUND SAYING ANYTHING , CHERYL. " well, needless to say , I later went outside and thanked the goddess for my dark, but well-deserved curse having hopefully worked.

I will tell y'all more when I find out , but if it is indeed brian jacobs and he is fucking dead, well I only wish that I could get drunk and "party like it's 1999 all over again." I WOULD BE SO THRILLED IF HE IS DEAD, THAT NO GOOD SON OF A BASTARD , MOTHER-RAPING FATHER WHOM HARRASSED ME CONSTANTLY.

I feel sorry for his girlfriend whom I heard is carrying his little " bastard" , I mean not yet born fetus; but maybe that will be the wake up call telling her to go find either a nice man or , better yet, a lesbian partner to help her raise the little bastard.

I SINCERELY HOPE THAT IT IS FUCKING BRIAN. THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY.

by the way, last week while at the vagina monologues play at chico state U , I got myself a " rape/assault whistle" , this just in case I need to create a scene if and when that SCUMBAG brian comes to harrass me ever again.

I SINCERELY HOPE THAT IT IS THAT FUCKING PILE OF SHIT. AFTER ALL, THAT WAS WHAT HE SO OFTEN CALLED ME. GOOD BYE BRIAN? I ONLY CAN HOPE.

2010-02-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

and so , today a very productive day . first thing this morning after going up to upper bidwell park here in chico CA and eating my cold breakfast of chef boyardee mini ravioli's and a can of del monte fruit cocktail ; was to go to the calif. employment development division; which here in butte county and chico is located on carmichael dr. just off the sadly outdated CA rte 99 freeway at the skyway / paradise exit .

I did actually apply for one " shit job" as I too often call them, mc fucking donalds back east in delhi new york . yeah, for the position of " maintenance" , not that I'll even get it with my lack of any recent work experience . [ maybe I should have applied for that one in mendocino county, CA , in willits ; best known for some real marijuana growing . [ could always stay stoned on good pot as , perhaps, the best way tp deal with a boring ass, go nowhere job at someplace like mc donalds, right ? or become a " tweeker" , as in do meth. LOL ]

anyway, who'd ever believe what one must fucking go through just to get some $9.00 an hour job at mc donalds today ; a whole fucking test designed to weed out the average fast food worker; one whom usually gets sick of working at places like Mc D's and quits within three months. they ask shit like if you were ever late to work , if you failed or passed in school, and if others often seek your advice. WHAT A FUCKING JOKE. TO WORK AT MC DONALDS?????? HA HA HA .

then.....I did more research as to what I need to do to get a small , work from home and say " fuck the commute" business started; thing like how to finance the business, etc. first , you need to write a descriptive business plan, something which the small business administration walks you through step by step in it's online business plan development help. it is hard to do this, but there is so much help out there , from small business loans for those whom would not otherwise qualify for bank funding; to using S.C.O.R.E. the service corps of retired executives help to help you write the best business plan that you can write.

and so, it looks like my life is going in a better direction. I am still not sure as to what will be my next move , stay in expensive CA , go to oregon again , or go back east or to the midwest [ where I love the people but would miss the mountains in either the east, NY,VT, or the west ]

in other news, a homeless man was either murdered or fucking killed himself, not known yet but it should be on the channel 12 redding, CA " shit and more shit" all the time, local news tonight . it was not buckeye , and the way that I feel is this. if it was somebody like BRIAN JACOBS then I am glad that he got killed, that aryan, bigoted son of a bitch deserves to be shot by the gang members whom he supposedly beat up one of the members from; a mexican-american gang better known as the " Norteno's~" from san francisco; whom are here in chico now.

well this I will find out later.

2010-02-25T15:44:00.000-08:00

the positive for a change ? well I just contacted " business oregon" , the oregon dept of business development . this to see what they may or may not have as far as helping somebody like me on SSDI and SSI disabliity start their own small, work from home via the internet, business; if I were to settle in oregon .

every fucking day I look around me at the place I once thought was " the greatest place in all the USA" , CALIFORNIA , and what do I see?

1. a social services system whose budget that has been cut so bad that they no longer offer food stamps to those already recieving social security disabliity.

2. the HIGHEST GAS PRICES IN THE NATION. right now, here in chico, the gas just went up again, the cheapest being about $2.74 a gallon for regular; the most expensive being about $2.89 or even higher . IT IS A FUCKING JOKE IF THEY THINK YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT FOOD STAMPS IN CALIF. ; AS JUST THE GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING GAS ALONE ; PLUS THE HIGH COST OF REGISTERING YOUR AUTOMOBILE ; AND , LIKE CONNECTICUT, THE STATE'S
" CAR TAX " ; OH YES, DON'T FORGET THE FUCKING MOST STRICT EMMISIONS TESTING PROGRAM IN THE NATION .

just for comparison, in oregon's ashland last monday gas was about $2.48 / gallon , and back in CT ? try between $2.60 and $2.89 [ comparable to california , sort of, but here in smaller towns like mount shasta in siskiyou county, they get $3.09 and UP.....WOW.

the people? mediocre at best, as chico's full of many los angeles assholes whom drive as the name " asshole" implies ; CRAZIER THEN THE PUERTO RICAN ASSHOLES IN HARTFORD , CT. the women here seem to be about slimming and trimming their already way too thin asses by jogging around like a bunch of fucking plastic Barbie dolls with life-like vaginas between their legs. though there are some really asweome people here in the chico , CA area, for the most part ,m we are talking " tweekers" [ crystal meth addicts] , LA LA Land fashion and exercise queens whom are majorly stuck the fuck up just like back in fairfield county connecticut ; and yes, DID I SAY REDNECK ASSHOLES IN BIG , PICK-EM-UP , 4x4 TRUCKS ?

WELCOME TO THE CENTRAL VALLEY , HOME OF THE CALIFORNIA METH LABS IN A TOWN CALLED OROVILLE. and so, I am having my debates, as to whether to stay or get the fuck out of CA . I am sick and fucking tired of the god damn bullshit of dealing with both some of the staff , namely KIRA and at times, HEATHER , at the torres shelter ; as well as being sick and fucking tired of nearly everybody staying there on both the women's side[ where I stay ] and the men's as well .

and so , next week I will go to midas muffler and brakes to see if my fucking honda accord LX needs brakes before I venture out on a highly possible long trip back to the east , for $35 , I will get them first checked. if so, then another shitty month here, if not, I AM OUTTA HERE.

2010-02-23T16:02:00.000-08:00

am I supposed to really give a flying fuck about them? this is the latest question I feel that I should be asking myself pertaining to the fucking arrest and jail sentence of fucking god damn MARIA , A.J.'s BELOVED WIFE . this very same bitch was the one whom, along with her venomous marine corps for life, son of a bitch husband; had fucking accused ME of being 100% at fault; pertaining to misty and I's long trip to ashland OR last week. but hey, as they say in pagan sensibilities, " what comes around goes around."

that said, I do NOT feel the least sadness over her being put back in jail . well what else? well I met this woman , elizabeth, who is new to our lovely little shelter full of homeless people with " attitudes of gratitude" for having a place to stay [ I don't really believe in this fucking god damn " attitude of gratitude", 12 fucking step meeting horseshit.

anyway, she tells me that I should not give up on california so soon , as the bay area is so much more liberal and different . but... the problem is this, on fucking $ 865 a month with No fucking god damn hope of even getting a piss and shit, $8.00 and hour job at mc fuckface's, shit mart, or shitco no matter how hard I tried; how the fuck will I be able to afford the rents there; which are very high by the way?

in other things, I spoke with mom yesterday , this while sitting down and talking with two of the few nice people I've met since being at fucking torres shelter, ann and her 22 year old son , brice. they offered me some of their food that they were grilling at bidwell park's lower section ; this when I had seen them while walking the lower , 2 mile loop trail. [ paved and half road/half bikes only]

well what did mom have to say ? 1. that I should get a roommate whom would share the expenses on a place with me . nice thought, BUT it looks as if I have made more FOES THAN FRIENDS since being in fucking chico; especially at the god damn torres shelter where almost everybody is a fucking " rat" and a squeal.

I told her about how much better new york state is for both social services and business help for the disadvantaged, that I may just move on back . well I have to go as I took the bus from the shelter to CSu first, then walked to the library.

2010-02-19T14:24:00.000-08:00

three words are on my mind right now; along with a famous song by billy joel, singer and songwriter. and those words are............. NEW YORK STATE. yeah, what a fucking god damn mistake I made by coming to california, once the land of dreams but now the land of dreams gone bust.

you got it, I was at the CA butte county office of employment development division, better known to locals as the EDD. the same place where they've got the social services office as well. and here I got on and signed up , saying that I wanted to " look for a job" locally . [ not that there are many, and what is available, 1,000 plus unemployed Mexicans are in line to get it first. no offense meant toward the mexicans, as they are very nice people , I have found. hard workers too. ]

and so, once on their computers , I was online looking at what states may be the best for starting my small business the right way; as personally, with little experience and a work history with huge gaps of years in it; I don't see myself getting hired even by shit fucking hole WAL-FART [ I MEAN WAL*MART ] .

anyway, so yes, governor M. Jodi Rell of connecticut , " YOU BELONG IN CT" . and as for the other state which not only has a much better social services system then any western state including oregon, california, and even new mexico or colorado; a question for y'all.

yes, Howard Stern- a " retard" like Crackhead Bob can probably answer this one, dude.

name the state most directly responsible for inspiring singer-songwriter billy joel's famous song, titled " New York State....... Of Mind" ? hint: it was NOT california.

did anyone guess " NEW YORK STATE" ??????

yeah, I was looking through states to see which one have the best possibliities for a poor, chronically-unemployed and umemployable mother fucker like me , economically disadvanged with low income and no resources[ not including the fair at best credit history ] ; and well......it seems as if NEW YORK is the place for small business. this , perhaps especially true of the many mostly rural
" upstate" counties [ western/northern/central New York State ] , place where joba are about as few and far between as they are here in mostly rural, crystal methamphetamine infested and crime ridden, butte county, CA. ; well as siskiyou, shasta, and all the others in the NOR-CAL area.

anyway, so I have got a choice to make and so far, my heart and mind says " go where the gravy is plentiful in fucked up america; despite the winter weather and all that snow." [ keeps the trees green in summer; the dairy cow's seven stomachs filled with fresh , green grass and hay, and the reserviors almost full; unlike here in water starved california where the asshole landlords actually charge the tenants for WATER. ]

yeah, I think I'm ' bout fixin' to done go back east, like-righty quick like, you know. after hearing from that transman I met at SNAFU, a gay bar in eugene OR on 7th ave alley downtown, jordin ; I also thought about all that rain and how I screamed out " I'D MUCH RATHER DEAL WITH THE FUCKING SNOW IN UPSTATE NEW YORK THAN THIS SHIT ALL WINTER" [ SEPT TILL MAY IN OREGON IS THE RAINY SEASON] .

yeah, it all is beginning to make sense now . as for friends, I have dana and misty , the latter until fucking A.J. decided to play big brother to her . speak of which, dana fucking ripped him apart last night when she first asked me " where is misty, I'm worried about her" ; and all I could say was " A.J. warned me to stay away from her and is blaming ME for getting her in trouble."

yeah, tonight I'm gonna talk to pat, my service coordinator at the shelter ; whom is recommending that I stay until I can save enough money to move into an apartment . but I am fucking sick of both chico and california, and all the fucking " positive attitude phonies" whom remind me of why I left connecticut in the first place. I don't see this place as one where I will be able to make any real, long lasting friends; well this besides dana and misty - whom is waiting for her
" vagabond" boyfriend, christian, to return from tucson, arizona so that they can travel the country together and maybe move to montana or idaho.

in fact I have made, like I always seem to do everyplace I've ever been or will go, more ENEMIES here in chico and butte county, CA. and if fucking KIRA[ staff member at the torres shelter whom is about the biggest bitch when it comes to enforcing every fucking rule they have] says one more thing about my god damn mother fucking shirt being " too short" ; I WILL FUCKING EXPLODE .

I COULD GO BACK TO FUCKING CONNECTICUT , WHERE I AM ALREADY GETTING SOCIAL SERVICES AND TELL THEM TO GIVE ME A MOTEL VOUCHER ; all you've got to do is stay one night in a homeless shelter and CT takes care of it's economically disadvantaged residents . [ I think I'd really rather be in rural and poor new york state, though. ]

so tonight, I will show pat everything I have copied down from the websites for both business and social services in both new york and in connecticut .

as for everything else, well there are quite a few at the shelter whom are laying their evil eyes of BLAME COMPLETELY UPON ME FOR MISTY GETTING KICKED OUT AFTER THE LONG DRIVE . [ I GOT THE SAME PUNISHMENT ] NOT ONE OF THE FUCKERS THERE BESIDES DANA STILL SIDES WITH ME.

THIS MORNING I COULD SEE THIS FROM JOYCE AND TONY , THE OLDER COUPLE FROM PARADISE, CA , AS WELL AS FROM THAT BITCH CHARLENE AND OTHERS LIKE MARIA, ESPECIALLY. [ A J's WIFE] AND THE SAME FROM A.J. AND ALL HIS CREW ; ALL WHOM CLAIM TO HAVE MISTY'S BEST INTERESTS IN MIND.

as for misty? well this morning I called dana after learning from debra, the half american indian and half phillipino woman staying in the family rooms with her baby, little benjamin-2 , and daughter, micco-10 . she had been seen walking from the food maxx after , I was told, she slept all night on the back loading dock of the former circuit city store , or between the barnes and noble in the alleyway along the wall.

where she went after that? I have not clue, but she is okay , MUCH NOT TO THE THANKS OF FUCKING A.J. ; " MARINE FOR LIFE" AND FUCKING JAILBIRD WHOM IS ACTING LIKE HER " BIG BROTHER" ' NOR HIS WIFE, MARIA.

anyway, so I really feel that I want to get the fuck out of california. I see nothing for me here and should've seen this the first time around. at least this time I can say that I " lived here for almost 2 months."

I'M IN THAT ................NEW YORK...................................STATE......OF......MIND............YEAH.....YEAHHH.

2010-02-18T15:15:00.000-08:00

and so, life in fucking chico and especially at the torres shelter is about to possibllybecome a nightmare for me! what caused this? well on monday my friend, misty k. [ whom her " protectors " like A.J. , maria- A.J.'s wife , and many others including that lesbian chick , carolyn ; are all trying to keep away from me now] and I went for a long drive out into the country . first , we headed to red bluff, a smallish california hillbilly town located in tehama county. we then toured red bluff, a town both misty and I did NOT feel was as " redneck" as many here in fucking , so called ' liberal " and " enlightened" chico warned me it was. we then went on toward redding , which now has become a fucking L.A. outpost chock full of malls, other strip malls, apt complexes , and all that sort of garbage! REDDING[ CA, not the pretty, semi-rural, but rich one in connecticut ] FUCKING SUCKS !

from there we took a long drive up freeway I-5 and went all the way into OREGON , ashland to be exact. well needless to say , after walking the town and going to all the killer little shops downtown that misty [ mostly] wanted to see; we ran out of time ; being that , at the torres shelter at 101 silver dollar way in chico; those staying there must be back NO LATER than 6 PM . that is, unless they've got a pass or somehow get stuck like I did when the fucking handa accord blew a fucking tire on hwy/shithole freeway CA-99 . and so , I had called to say that we " probably would be later than 6 PM " , and who else but the biggest " cunty" bitch on the shelter staff, answered ; KIRA . (: THIS CHICK HAS GOT THE ATTITUDE OF BOTH DRILL SARGEANT AND SUPER RESPONSIBLE , SUPER ORGANIZED ADULT BITCH PREFESSIONAL ; ALL WRAPPED UP IN ONE 21 YEAR OLD BODY OF A CAL STATE CHICO STUDENT.

well , it took us very long to get back, even though I took to safely , yet still

" speeding-ticket-ly" , driving well over the posted/ CHiP's enforced, speed limits once we got back to redding, CA and south. yet it still took us to nearly 9 PM to get back.

and so, we both got kicked out for that night and were told to call our " service coordinators" the very next day after 10 AM . well, mine is patrick - whom is kinda kewl , hers is becky . we both still got told that we were " banned for 3 nights" and misty was told that monday night did NOT count; while pat said that monday night counted for me.

well the first night , we drove all the fucking way out to the I-5 freeway rest stop just above corning, CA ; an olive growing , farming town 12 miles south of red bluff. everybody was worried for misty's safety , yet all but one woman , my friend and ally at torres shelter, dana; COULD REALLY GIVE A RAT'S MOTHER FUCKING ASS ABOUT ME! IN FACT , MARIA, HER MARINE CORPS HUSBAND , A.J. , EVEN FUCKING CAROLYN [ that ex-army dyke whom I thought was cool in the beginning ] ; ALL DECIDED THAT , BECAUSE I WAS THE DRIVER AND OLDER; I WAS 100% AT FAULT .

anyway, at the advice of dana , the next two night we had slept in my honda accord, which just came out from the shop after being repaired from the rear end accident which almost drove me to consider suicide , along with all the other shit like the asshole at the jesus center and the CORRUPT, USELESS CHICO COPS WHOM ALL KNOW NAZI BRIAN AND HIS RECORD.

she was right about the food maxx parking lot being safe , both from harrassing police and criminals [ sometimes not sure which is worse anymore? ] . misty and I had NO PROBLEMA . in fact she and I get along quite well, desipte what fucking maria , A.J. , and all at torres who see her as their " little sister they need to protect" ; all feel .

well guess what happened? well on the morning of fucking 2-18-10 , at roughly 7:30 AM , who the fuck else but " sgt A.J. comes up and tells misty to come with him and get something to eat.

soon as I walked up to the food maxx to use their woman's room to brush my teeth [ havn't for 2 days ] and piss; fucking A.J. gets in my face and says; in a very nasty and threatening tone of voice ; " I AM VERY ANGRY AT WHAT YOU DID TO MISTY; GETTING HER KICKED OUT FROM THE SHELTER. I AM WARNING YOU THAT YOU'D BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MISTY , AND IN FACT I WILL ADVISE YOU THAT EVEN THOUGH THE STAFF SAY THAT YOU CAN COME BACK TO THE SHELTER TONIGHT; WHEN YOU FINALLY LEAVE; YOU WILL NOT MAKE IT FROM THE DOORS TO YOUR CAR. DO YOU HEAR ME? NOW, IF YOU EVEN COME CLOSE TO MISTY AT THE BARNES AND NOBLE [ BOOK STORE] , OR WORSE, TAKE MISTY WITH YOU IN YOUR CAR- YOU AND I WILL HAVE PROBLEMS AND I WILL CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE THEM ARREST YOU FOR KIDNAPPING . NOW GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY LITTLE SISTER, MISTY OR I MAY GET VIOLENT. UNDERSTOOD? "

and so, I did just that , as there was NO EXPLAINING THAT MISTY AND I WERE/ARE FRIENDS. AFTER ALL , A.J. IS TO BE FEARED , AS HE CAN KILL WITH HIS BARE HAND VERY EASY [ once a fucking MARINE, always a MARINE .] after going to the upper bidwell park to eat my cold breakfast bought by CT food stamps , I went back to barnes and noble, where A.J. and another mean looking dude sat and watched to make sure that I did not get close to misty. so I waited till he got the fuck out of there and went back with his wife after she got out of school ; and then I stayed and sat alone, reading some book called " 100 people who are screwing up america" by goldman.

I did see misty being walked off by A.J. , his wife, maria [ whom now is a real beyotch toward me after first being nice in the beginning] ; and the rest including joyce[ in the wheelchair] and tony- her husband . they all looked like one angry mob out to protect misty .

I then called the shelter and asked to speak to pat, my service coordinator whom is assigned to help me with my transition toward becoming fully self sufficient and getting an apartment [ not that I want to live in fuck-hole chico in some tiny pisshole of a studio apt. , a place I now see as filled with PHONY " LIBERALS" AND OTHER , PLASTIC L.A. LA LAND TYPES FROM SOUTHERN CA AND THE GODDAMN BAY AREA. ] . leaving a message , I then got a call back from becky , the on duty SC ; telling her about the percived and maybe not so percieved DANGER I MAY BE IN FOR WHEN I RETURNED ; WHICH WILL BE TONIGHT; as 5 days without a shower is getting to me.

she then said that from now on , I must inform the staff rather then deal with things on my own, and in fact ; I did what was right . she told me what A.J. and crew said and how they are blaming ME 100% for " taking their little sister away from the shelter and getting her tossed out ", is WRONG. IT IS, LIKE I AND SHE SEE IT, HALF MISTY'S FAULT , AS WE WERE BOTH IN THIS TOGETHER DESPITE WHAT HER " LOYAL PROTECTORS" ARE ALL SAYING .

she also went on to say that I should meet with my service coordinator next week and discuss my plans as to get out on my own and responsible. right now I fucking HATE CALIFORNIA, AS IT IS NO LONGER THE WONDERFUL STATE THAT IT WAS BACK IN THE 1970's AND 1980's . RATHER IT IS A PLACE FILLED HALF WITH REDNECKS MEANER THEN A GEORGIA RATTLESNAKE ; AND MORE SO, FULL OF PLASTIC , SIZE ZERO TO FOUR , " FEMBOTS" WITH VAGINA'S THAT PASS AS WOMEN . FUCK CALIFORNIA.

yeah, weird, but half the reason both misty[ who has never been out of butte or sutter county, CA and grew up in oroville { " meth-capital of the world"}, yuba city , and palermo] and I drove all the fucking way up to oregon is that we both hate this fucking area. she's been here all of her life , me, just about 5-1/2 weeks. and even weirdder was that this transman , jordin from eugene oregon whom I met at the gay bar called SNAFU in downtown eugene, OR ; had just called me last night wondering what happened to me .

so now , I am confused as to what to do; return to rainy from sept through early may northern oregon ? to either eugene or maybe yachats- a small town of about 850 which I loved for the people ; yet hated for the nasty , rainy from sept till june and cooler in summer but sunny , weather?

or get the fuck back east to one of those prized " welfare states" which still have help for people like me whom can NOT manage on their own . my sister's suggestiong was to come back to long island , NY , as they've got a rental subsidy program for the " mentally disabled but independent " which helps with rents, jobs, and such.[ mc donalds "career" AT $8.00 hr STARTING WAGE ? NO THANKS.]

come to think about it, my reason for wanting to come out west was to live in a much more laid back area, one preferably RURAL ; in a mobile or house on land and NOT a stinking apartment in some town. I probably could get help anywhere in new york state , deal with the snow in the long winters, but someplace NICE and SAFE; FREE FROM THE METH AND PROBLEMS OUT HERE EVERYWHERE IN THE WEST FOR THE MOST PART. and I could live in some smaller town.

or I could go back to CONNECTICUT- a place filled with yuppie, " positive" and
" health-oriented" busy professionals; much like california but perhaps NOT AS BAD. at least , I was told, that if you demand what yoyu want from the dept of social services in CT , YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE HIP HOP " GOONS" IN ONE OF THE SHITHOLE CITIES LIKE WATERBURY , NEW BRITIAN , OR BRIDGEPORT'S GHETTO SECTION. I was told over the phone by chris, my sister in law, karen's nephew, that one can get sect. 8 help and get on the emergency housing list; then hold out until they find you a house or apt . in someplace nice and safe; he's demanding they find him something in milford , monroe, easton, or shelton.

I'd rather be in the small towney northwest , still fairly-rural litchfield county; or out east someplace in still mostly rural windham, eastern tolland, or still " rural" and poor northern new london counties. that or maybe mystic or stonington, CT along the quiet coastal areas[ except during summer tourist season ]

and so , I did not make the friends I though I would make here in fucking california. rather, I have made very few friends and many more enemies. I no longer see either CA or the west as the place I want to really be . it is much nicer back east or in the rednecky, rural midwest of southern illinois. the midwest is especially friendly, conservative in many ways, BUT VERY FRIENDLY AND REAL . OPPOSITE OF FLAKE-A-FORNIA AND EVEN EUGENE, OREGON.

and so , next week I hope to talk with patrick and see what plan is the best ; i think that my sister was right in some ways about returning to the east to connecticut ; as was my mother especially[ whom no longer can help me out financially]

THE WEST MAY NOT BE THE BEST ANYMORE? HUMMM? FUNNY HOW MANY RETURN BACK EAST FROM CALI-FUCKED-UP-FORNIA.

2010-02-09T14:27:00.000-08:00

and so, yesterday I was at this mental health consumers' club called stairways of chico; which rents space in the same fucking building as the god damn jesus center. I was told by a member whom also stays at the torres shelter for the homeless that since stairways is a seperate entity that leases space from the jesus center but is NOT affiliated with said place; that I was welcome even after the jesus center banned me indefinitely[ 30 days] from their premises after my temper tantrum created by the ongoing harrassment and threats from that same dickhead guy , BRIAN. I think the jesus center uses him as their " white aryan thug in service to the lord" , to help control the " bad people" when they get out of hand while at the jesus center's premises.

anyway, I heard wrong from the girl whom stays with me; at least according to

" MR. JESUS" HIMSELF, better known as pastor rich young, director of the fucking jesus center. he gave me his final lecture about how i'm no longer allowed on the property indefinitely after what he described as my driving out fast and nearly hitting a child. [ I remember stopping quickly and was just trying to get away from all of brian's crew of thugs; this after their " princess" , more like WHORE, spat all over the fucking driver's side window of my car in retaliation for my calling the useless chico [ CA] police the sunday before after their ringleader in dick-headed-ness, BRIAN , had threatened me for turning him in to the jesus center .

I ALSO LET HIM KNOW THAT " A CERTAIN WOMAN I WILL NOT NAME LOOKED UP THE JESUS CENTER'S MOST RECENT HEALTH DEPT. KITCHEN INSPECTION AFTER SHE AND MANY OTHERS INCUDING MYSELF , GOT STOMACH SICKNESS FROM EATING THEIR FOOD; THE MARCH 7, 2009 ONE ONLINE. IT LISTED MANY MAJOR HEALTH DEPT. FOOD HANDLER'S VIOLATIONS; FROM IMPROPER WARMING OF FOOD, TO DIRTY UTENSILS NOT SANITIZED AND NO HAIR NETS ON THE FOOD HANDLERS.

and so, " Mr Jesus" went on saying how I " showed no remorse" for what I had done that sunday, blah blah. but I came back right at him , saying " what did you do when that jerk brian and his pack of rabid hyenas were harrassing me? huh? you told me to NOT call the cops on him, saying you would take care of things y'all's selves. YOU DID NOTHING BUT BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING! from my [ perfectly LEGAL] use of the women's restroom by the kitchen, to blaming ME for " provoking" the harrassment done by brian, bobby [ jail buzzard] and the rest of the jailbirds whom dominate the grounds of the fucking jesus center.

AGAIN, MR YOUNG, I MUST WONDER IF YOUR MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD , SO CALLED " LORD" , JESUS THE SO CALLED " CHRIST" ; WAS AS MUCH OF A FUCKING HYPOCRITE AS Y'ALL ARE WHOM RUM THE JESUS CENTER AT 1297 PARK AVE , CHICO, CA 95926 ? [ HATE TO TELL YOU, BUT JESUS THE JEW'S BEEN DEAD FOR OVER 2,000 YEARS BY THE WAY.]

anyway, so I went to the fucking chico police, with little hope as to the resolving of the situation and much apprehension . I spoke with detective Jose` at the chico ploice, this after waiting nearly 45 minutes for somebody to come out. and what did he have to say, that I, whom was banned from the jesus center's premises; "should go there tommorrow and speak to either lori m., charles, or bev; and ask them what Brian's last name is ; then have them call him .

SOUNDS LIKE A BIG SET UP IN WHICH I WILL BE THE " BAD PERSON" WHOM WILL TAKE THE FALL , ENDING UP GETTING MY ASS ARRESTED INSTEAD OF THAT FUCKER, BRIAN, THE ONE WHOM IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY BLOWING UP FINALLY? NO?

THE SOUTHBURY CONNECTICUT POLICE DEPARTMENT AND SIMILAR CORRUPTION AND COVER-UP WORK AT ITS BEST; ALL OVER AGAIN.

BOTH THE ASSHOLES AT THE JESUS CENTER ALONG WITH THEIR " PET OFFICERS" AT CHICO POLICE , I THINK, HAVE IT ALL IN FOR ME. CHICO POLICE KNOW WHO THIS BRIAN IS. THEY KNOW WHAT HIS LAST NAME IS, HIS JAIL AND PRISON RECORD; ALL THAT GOOD SHIT.

IN FACT I'VE BEEN TOLD BY A FEW OF THE WOMEN I STAY WITH AT THE TORRES SHELTER HERE IN CHICO THAT THEY USE BRIAN AS THEIR LITTLE

" STOOL PIGEON", AS A "NARC" AND " RAT" WHO INFORMS THEM ABOUT WHO IS SELLING DRUGS BY THE JESUS CENTER; ALL THE WHILE SELLING DOPE HIMSELF! IN FACT IT WOULDN'T SUPRISE ME THAT THE FUCKING CHICO COPS AND ESPECIALLY BUTTE COUNTY SHERRIFF'S DEPT. ARE IN ON THIS; THAT THEY MAKE A SMALL " PROFIT" FROM BRIAN'S ACTIVITIES. [ THE LOCAL DISTRICT ATTORNEY FOR BUTTE CO. IS BEING QUESTIONED FOR CORRUPTION ACCORDING TO THE CHICO NEWS AND REVIEW- CHICO'S LIBERAL SLANT FREE PAPER. ]

JUST LIKE THE FINE OFFICERS BACK IN SOUTHBURY, CT. " IT'S ALL IN THE FAMILY " HERE IN BUTTE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA. [ I was told by one of the women staying at my shelter that, yes, Brian is a " nessesary evil" whom helps to prevent those who are a lot worse on the " badass" scale from inflicting harm upon the many people

2010-02-06T15:44:00.000-08:00

the fucking jesus center ! well, they ought to call that place at 1297 park ave in chico the " satan center" , at least the way they fucking treat the transgender population ! where do I begin ? well they fucking kicked me out of their GOD DAMN jesus center because I finally went nuts and started swearing.

this after all the abuse that they have allowed a certian macho man named Brian to get away with. about brian ? well he and his aryan brothers have an obvious gang full of jailbirds- all of whom are well versed in the california state penitentiary system- going which hangs out at the jesus center all day; dealing drugs like crystal meth and just harrassing those whose lifestyles they do not agree with . brian usually dresses in either a red or black jacket, rides a black mountain bicycle [ perhaps made from stolen bike parts??? ] with the logo " FOX" on the front suspension forks ; and is just one fucking nasty NAZI ASSHOLE! he has a tatoo on the back of his neck saying " NAZI" ; something that one of the women I stay with at the torres shelter told me about when she warned me ; " stay away from brian ! he is a mean, hate filled asshole toward those whom he sees as not normal".

yeah, these fucking low life piles of shit seem to get away with everything at the god damn jesus center ; but ME? well I AM THE PROBLEM ! WHY? BECAUSE I AM A TRANSGENDER WOMAN WHOM THEY STILL SEE AS " male" . granted the jesus center does a lot of good things here in the greater chico community for both the homeless and low income , things like serving meals and allowing people living either on the street or at one of chico, CA's homeless shelters to use their computers. and lori whom works up in the office is really kewl with me.

but the rest of the crew there have harrassed me about EVERYTHING ; FROM WHICH RESTROOM I AM ALLOWED TO USE [ LEGALLY THAT IS THE WOMEN'S AS MY CONNECTICUT DRIVER'S LICENSE SAYS " F" FOR FEMALE- AND CALIFORNIA IS A TRANSGENDER RIGHTS STATE ! ] to nearly everything else! they had the fucking god damn nerve to insist that I use the god damn mother fucking " men's " room, a place for me with
" C-CUP" TITS AND wearing makeup and women's clothes would at minimum be DEGRADING and DANGEROUS! I mean what the fuck do they think I do? stand the fuck up like that asshole brian and his band of dickheaded male monkeys to piss? ASSHOLES FOR JESUS INDEED ! JESUS WOULD HATE HIS FOLLOWERS LIKE THOSE AT THE JESUS CENTER FOR SURE; THAT IS IF HE WERE STILL ALIVE TODAY!!!! [ historically he is fucking long dead, y'all know! read bible scholar robert w funk's book " honest to jesus" !]

okay , well then kira , one of the young college women working at the torres shelter found out from somebody about what I did , how I went ballistic last sunday at the fucking jesus center. I had to deal with her " concerned for my and other's safety " bullshit interview this past weds. ; this after haveing a good day otherwise.

I am getting to hate both chico and this fucked up state of california; this to the point that I am striongly considering returning to live in either connecticut [ if I could find a safe , smaller town to live in. that or new york state someplace .

why would anyone want to leave lovely and diverse california. well for one thing , there are FEW OR NO MORE SOCIAL SERVICES LEFT HERE IN ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE STATES IN THE USA [ BESIDES CONNECTICUT AND NEW JERSEY and the NYC metro area, of course and just about every major metro area on the west coast and in denver, colorado ] . I discovered that well, my SSDI income of $639 / mth plus the SSI of $55 , totalling $694; here in CA would go up to $865- the highest in the nation. BUT......back in CT I was also getting a state GA suppliment of $148 as well as $200 in food stamp benefits! that totals , according to california logic , $1,042 per month. so subtract from $1,042 the $865 calif. max total SSD = SSI and that would be about $170 more!

so what would you do , leave this meth infested place. more later

2010-01-22T13:06:00.000-08:00

so here I am back in fucking california again. yeah, just like the song " california here I come-right back where I started from - open up that golden gate....." and I definitely came at the wrong time to the once great " WELFARE STATE" OF THE WEST. [ NEW YORK'S ALL THAT BACK EAST :) ] yeah, you guessed it, governor asshole , I mean SWARTZENNEGGER, THE GOVERNOR WHOM " TERMINATED CALIFORNIA AS WE ONCE KNEW IT!" he fucked everything up as far as the state's one well-funded entitlement and educational programs go. all so the wealthy would not have to pay taxes on their yachts and real estate investments[ the investments part was unanimously passed under the disguise of " tax breaks for homeowners"
[ those down in LA LA LAND over in beverly stuck up hills!]

and so , wonderful , I will get a increase in my SSI check of $151 per month. sounds good? right? WRONG!!!!! they then will cut whatever food stamps benefits I may get under GA or general state assistance- up to $259 but one has to be living in her car to get this.

and so, up to $845 month, but no food stamps here in sunny cali-fucked-up-forn-eee-i-a. compare this with connecticut and what I was getting [ still am as I've never told them I had " left CT " yet, and was back there in nov. of 2009] and so , from oregon where I have got to admit that I really LOVED THE PEOPLE IN Yachats [ Ya-hats] at that landmark cafe; back all the fucking way to connecticut where my mom[ not I ] felt that the social services would better help me.

I HATE TO SAY THAT MOM KNEW BEST! SHE DID. IT WAS JUST THAT BEING AROUND BOTH THOSE STUCK THE FUCK UP, " PROFESSIONAL" DOUCHEBAG WOMEN IN CT AND DOWNSTATE NEW YORK WOULD HAVE MADE ME SICK! I COULD SEE THAT WHEN THAT UPTIGHT " PRIVATE" TYPE BITCH LITERALLY GOT ALL PISSY ASS WHEN I HAD ASKED HER, IN GENERAL CONVERSATION,
" DOES SHE GO TO THE S.U.N.Y. NEARBY OR WHAT? " [ I'M NOT A GOD DAMN MAD WOMAN AND RAPIST YOU MOTHER FUCKING UPTIGHT " PRIVATE" HO' !]

THAT DID IT RIGHT THERE, AND THEN I SO QUICKLY KNEW WHY I HATED NEARLY EVERYONES GUTS BACK IN THE EAST , RURAL UPSTATE-WESTERN NEW YORK STATE AND NORTHERN NEW ENGLAND/ RURAL PA. EXCLUDED!

and so, first, it was off to new mexico by way of southern illinois. down to the carbondale area where I knew there were lots of mobile homes out in the country and yes, they've got HILLS! I was in anna, jonesboro, metropolis[ 30 ft tall superman statue in front of the courthouse] , looking all over that area. three weeks later I ended up in this shelter called the good samaritan house after the carbondale women's shelter had no beds available. while there, I met C. J. , aka victor- a black gay man whom literally hated " caucasians" , or crackers, honkies, whites. he saw a potential to change me and make me into a better person, but he was, while in many ways right, one fucking hell of a doninating , EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BASTARD! his whole thing revolved around the fact that I needed to, as he felt, " learn how to respect somebody else's place, or home[ his new apt in murphysboro]

he wanted for us to be roommates, something that may have been good for me financially, but I could just see he and I getting along. he is one to lay down the rules; while I am one whom could give a fuck less for " structure" in living. COULD YOU SEE US AS ROOMIES? he also saw me, a transsexual woman, as still very much the " man" and an " ugly ass woman at that" . see , he was once a crossdresser himself back when he was younger in his 20's and living in then, a much more conservative and yes, RACIST murphysboro, illinois. [ on IL-13 west of carbondale and the home of the southern illinois university]

so , back to the good sam's house where they told me that I could not come back until being out a full two weeks. the social worker there suggested that I head on toward st. louis, which was both good and bad as far as LGBT and hmelessness is concerned. the karen house, owned by the catholic charities of saint louis MO , was awesome! one of the social workers thre told me that , even though they had no rooms available, they could put me up for a night or two in the family room if no other shelters were open to me. they then sent me to the missionaries of charity, run by the fucking archdiocese of st louis MO , where the god damn sister, [ head NUN] there literally told me that " you have to stay at the men's shelter" . this after the younger sister whom interviewed me for over a fucking hour and KNEW THAT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE SAID " F" FOR FEMALE, THEN ASKED THE GOD DAMN HEAD SISTER .

I then went on back to the karen house, a place I wish that I had stayed [ though missouri has NO transgender rights and is run by the southern baptists , like southern IL but far more conservative!] . finally, they sent me to this rough downtown shelter which, like the fucking god damn nuns, gave me more of a HASSLE about the whole staying with the women thing despite the driver's license saying " F". this old CHRISTIAN REDNECK FUCKER THERE AT NEW LIFE EVANGELICAL CENTER ON 1411 LOCUST ST IN DOWNTOWN ST. LOUIS, MO, BOB, A RETIRED MARINE CORPS BASTARD WITH THAT " MAN'S MAN ATTITUDE OF " BORN WITH A COCK=MAN" ; BOTH HIM AND THE GOD DAMN REVEREND FINALLY ALLOWED ME TO STAY AT NEW LIFE . www.newlifeevangelicalcenter.org BUT I HAD TO STAY DOWNSTAIRS ON THE FLOOR! TALK ABOUT BEING HUMILIATED FOR JUST BEING WHO YOU ARE!

WHAT WOULD JESUS SAY????

2009-11-11T17:25:00.000-08:00

well here I am in fucking oregon , and yet , I am not happy. truthfully I feel that my west coast dream of living here fell apart. I had wanted to live in california more then here , originally , but california is far too expensive. even in yreka / siskiyou county, the rents are quite high [ for being in a remote, rural- wilderness area!] at around $600 and UP+++. so at the suggestion of my mom , I went on to fucking oregon, " because my neice[ jamie] lives there and she may be able to help you find a place." well did you ever feel like your own family was good for little more then shit ???? well that was how jamie made me feel , and I have a feeling that it is her fucking husband rick whom is the reason that she would not allow, or even ask me, to at least stay with her till I got a place of my own [ somehow , on a shitty $694 month total SSDI + SSI check! ???? GOD DAMN AMERICA!!! ] he is a catholic , so that perhaps explains half of it. the rest? well he is also a newport OR cop of two years , and like most of them whom are in the good ole boys network ... well you get the drift???

well ....... so here I am living in a tent about 17 miles south of yachats, OR , a reasonably liberal town with an interesting mix of rednecks, artists, service workers[ mostly half unemployed during the winter rainy season] , just a shit mix of some nice, friendly, and interesting people. the tolerance level of yachats seems to be bitchen' to the max, err AWESOME. but it is cliquish to the max as well . I've met some killer people, a lesbian named kathryn whom was seemingly nice , as well as janet, a woman about my age , and more. even most of the hillbillies here in this small town called Yachats [ pronounced YA-HAATZ , and yes OR-Y-GUN ! not ORE-GON ! HE HE HE ] seem to be tolerant, well all but this one bull-headed, mean lokking mother fucker whom justy gives me the stare down at the landmark inn. the bartenders are nice, matt, from california originally, is really bitchen' kewl and so are all the rest!

so why am I already sick of this fucking place called OR-Y-GUN ????? well all it does is rain and rain , 6 of seven days per week from oct 1st till june! I never felt as COLD as I do here with all the humidity , worse then back east in april's rainy season!

plus, the god damn fucking oregon social services, called the oregon dept of human services [ www.oregon.gov ] has absolutely NO RENTAL ASSISTANCE, even the food stamps would be less for me here, in CT , for example, I get $200 / month [ based upon that " rent cost of $470 / month plus utils. of $157 - which I never really paid and freeloaded off of mom . and as for the so called " progressives" here on the west coast ? well it seem more HORSESHIT THAN REALITY !

but last night at the landmark inn bar was why I feel the way that I do. some bitch ass bar whore named kelli , or calli, her real name , invited me over to her sister's place. she knew that I was a transwoman , but I think she still saw me as the " M thing" more then anything else. well, needless to fucking say , she was coming on to me all fucking night like the drunken sass that she was , and then, at the same time asking me shit like " so, are you a man? or a woman? " FUCKING C-U-N-T !!!! BITCH! HO' !!

anyway, so I did take her offer and stay over, but in thwe morning when she invited me to come with her sister and she, plus sam , her sister's boyfriend, down to the beach by the yachats river , after her sister walked off with sam down romantic lane ; she walked down to the beach with me and then ; LIKE THE CUNT SHE TURNED OUT TO BE; LITERALLY LEFT ME SITTING THERE ON A ROCK. am I mad ?? why yes , as I do not like game players .

anyway , all I have to say is this. FUCK YOU KELLI , CALLI, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS ! I LEFT CT BECAUSE OF THOSE LIKE YOU .

MORE LATER....

okay, jamie, the neice. well she was so nice enough to treat me to my big birthday dinner at some chinese restaurant in florence, OR, about 12 miles from where I am camping

2009-08-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

well here I am in kansas someplace , on my way west . so far I've been through punxsutwaney, PA and saw Phil's roost in the town library ; then rolling southern ohio into seymour indiana ; the hometown of singer john mellencamp . I then went toward pocahontas, illinois , best known for gretchen wilson, the country singer whom wrote the songs " redneck woman " and " pocahontas proud". she lived there as a child , long before going off to nashville TN to become a big, country singer and the first , sassy assed outlaw WOMAN OF COUNTRY !

from there, it was off into missouri , to hannibal , the boyhood home of connecticut's own mark twain , otherwise known as samuel clemmons long before he wrote any books. the people ? well everything all those east coast intellectuals I knew from the fucking hudson valley writer's center, well as the mattituck unitarian church ; what they said about " those narrow minded rednecks out in the country" ? well IS NOT EVEN 50% TRUE ! THE PEOPLE HERE, THE WOMEN , ESPECIALLY, HAVE BEEN SO MUCH NICE THEN ALL THOSE " CUNTY" EXECUTIVE, FORMALLY EDUCATED BITCHES BACK IN BOTH CONNECTICUT AND WESTCHESTER COUNTY NEW YORK ! AND YES, THIS INCLUDES ALL THOSE FUCKING TRANSSEXUAL WOMEN I KNEW FROM THE HARTFORD TWENTY CLUB AND THE REST IN CONNECTICUT - WHOM, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN THAT PLACE; WERE ALL " CAREER CENTERED" AND MADE OF PERFUME AND PLASTIC!

to a special bitch whom , my 88 year old mom and I feel was perhaps the biggest
" coffin nail" helping to eventually kill off my brother, Joe Oropal ; yes YOU Andrea K. and your whole heritage village real estate including your BIGOT BITCH BOSS- FRAN STANTON , WHOM SAID " I WILL NOT SHOW YOUR UNIT AS LONG AS THAT CHILD OF YOURS IS STILL LIVING IN IT ! ". I will say " fuck you! andrea! YOU DID YOUR JOB TO BEST KILL MY FAVORITE BROTHER, JOE- WITH YOUR GOLD DIGGING , MONEY GRUBBING WAYS ! $13,000 MY FAMILY PAID OUT SO YOUR LITTLE PRINCESS, WHOM SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN OROPAL , TRASHLEY ; GOT YOUR FUCKING MONEY . $14,000 DIVIDED BY ONE-THIRD. SO FUCK YOPU AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND MAY YOU GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING HOPEFULLY SOON !

to the rest of shithole southbury , I will say " thanks for making me feel NOT WELCOME for ten long years; both as " It" and as Cheryl . y'all can learn a lot from the people you educated asses feel are " trailer trash farmers" here in both the midwest and kansas! the women here are REAL ! NOT SOME TALBOTS AND MACY'S SHOPPING , PILE OF " ENLIGHTENED" CORPORATE SHIT WITH THEIR BROADWAY SHOWS AND FIND DINING ! I DON'T MISS YOU, SOUTHBURY ! NOT THE BIGOTED COPS, DEB FROM SHAWS WITH HER DISLIKE OF MY SPORTS' BRA WEARING WHILE SHOPPING IN THE SUMMERTIME.

I don't miss your stuck up homemakers with their heads stuck far up their assholes to all whom do not dress in high fashion clothing and $150 workout leotards; looking all " put together." the scenery , I will miss, but when everybody's acting busy all the time, and you can't depend on many in both CT and westchester county , NY to be a really close friend- what good is the scenery .

I wonder what lies ahead in both california and oregon ? what the people there will be like ? or will I end up staying in colorado maybe ? not sure . all I know is that I could have never been happy living in connecticut or downstate new york around a world full of busy all the time with life, career, family, etc, people ! I hate cities, to be honest, because no matter how weird the people there may be , as in portland or san francisco-all city and suburban people are the same. they are nearly all about their jobs and their little cultural shit lives- and you just can not be yourself around those kinds of people! they are fake! diet and excersise freaks , and all plastic.

2009-07-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

southbury's asshole fucking police department, home of the fucking bigot nazi asshole sgt ken kramer for over 7 years
shaws supermarket of southbury, CT, pleac where those two cunthole bitch managers, DEB , AND HER FUCKING CATH-O-HOLIC TWAT FRIEND JUDY ; TOLD ME " YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE WITHOUT A SHIRT AGAIN. WELL YOU MOTHER FUCKING CONSERVATIVE SOUTHBURY BITCHES - THAT MEANS ALL Y'ALL MOMMY BREEDING MACHINES HERE IN THIS ROSE COVERED SHITHOLE TOWN WHOM OVERPOPULATE THE FUCKING SCHOOLS WITH YOUR BREEDLINGS , ERR CHILDREN- IF Y'ALL DON'T LIKE ME WEARING MY FUCKING SPORTS' BRA IN PUBLIC, THEN FUCK ALL Y'ALL YUPPIE BREEDER CUNTHOLES! AND TO YOU , DEB , SMILE AND REMEMBER www.shaws.com comments and complaints, cause honey, I WILL BURN A LOT MORE ASSES FROM ONE END OF THIS VAST SHITHOLE COUNTRY TO THE NEXT ! FUCK YOU AND YOUR CONTEMPORARY COMMUNITY STANDARDS OF SO CALLED " DECENCY"
SPEAK OF SOUTHBURY CONNECTICUT AND ALL ITS ASSHOLE RESIDENTS WHOM CAN EAT SHIT AND DIE IN A FUCKING TORNADO FOR ALL I CARE ; HER IS A LITTLE FRESH MILK FROM MY TITTIES FOR ALL Y'ALL MOTHER FUCKERS!
EDMOND TOWN HALL MOVIE THEATRE, NEWTOWN, CONNECTICUT - YET ANOTHER TOWN IN SORRY ASS , PEOPLE WISE ANYWAY, FUCKHOLE CONNECTICUT FULL OF PHONY YUPPIE BREEDERS .
THE DOORWAY TO HERITAGE VILLAGE REAL ESTATE , HOME OF BIGOTRY AT ITS FINEST . WHEN YOU COME IN , BE SURE TO SAY HELLO TO THAT ENEMY OF OUR FAMILY , ANDREA K. , A CERTAIN UGLY WINO SHANK OF A RECEPTIONIST WHOM DUG MY BROTHERS GOLD TILL THE DAY HE FUCKING DIED OF CANCER. THE SAME SKANK WHOM POUNDED THE FINAL NAIL INTO MY DEAD BROTHER'S COFFIN ! BE SURE TO TELL YOUR MANAGER THAT I WILL HAVE HER LICENSE REVOKED FOR SAYING TO MY MOM , " I WILL NOT LIST THAT UNIT AS LONG AS [ SOMEBODY ] IS STILL LIVING IN IT! " FUCK YOU AND THAT BIGOT CATH-O-HOLIC AGENT WORKING FOR Y'ALL WHOM SAID " YOU MEAN THE GUY WHO THINKS HE'S A WOMAN" TO HIM, I CAN ONLY WITH THE BEST , AS IN THE WORDS " I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE OF PROSTATE CANCER! YOU MOTHER FUCKING OLD JERKOFF BASTARD . GO SHOVE YOUR OLD WRINKLED COCK UP YOU GOD DAMN , BASTARD SON OF A FUCKING PROSTITUTE YOU CALL JESUS CHRIST'S , LONG DEAD AND DISINTEGRATED ASSHOLE!

ANYWAY , as y'all can see , once again that fucking skank hole gold digger bitch whom leached off my late brother, Joe Oropal like a mosquito sucks blood in florida ; is reading this fucking diary again to see what she can dig the fuck up . For nearly ten fucking years, all that fucking piece of shit did was aggravate my brother constantly. that, and she lied to him about how she was sterile because she knew she'd then have him trapped into an endless cycle of paying child support; part of which was used to pay her fucking high rents so that little miss
" princess" ashley would not have to go to school in waterbury " with those niggers and spics".

no, because of my brother, the blood which fed that mosquito receptionist, andrea, whom never wanted to do anything but work at heritage village real estate [ as long as Joe Oropal was paying 66% of her bills ! ] ; little stuck up princess shitley had it easy and was able to live in wonderful, preppy-christian woodbury, CT and go to Nonnewaug and be the so called " good little honor student" [ meanwhile she was fucking the redneck boys from the vocational agriculture program in the backs of their pickup trucks ! little did her wino skank mommy know ! ] . and when Joe could not sell cars after he finally broke up with that bitter wino divorcee; skank made damn sure to call my mother down in Florida every fucking week on the dot; always saying , " did you hear from Joe yet? HE DIDN'T SEND THE CHECK . SHITLEY NEEDS BRACES AND A NDEW DRESS FOR HER BALLET RECITAL! WHEN IS JOE GONNA SEND THE CHECK? DO YOU KNOW? "

just to get that fucking bitch off his back , my mom would send her the god damn money so that little princess shitley could live like the queen pig in shit! $13,000 FUCKING DOLLARS WORTH OF CHECKS, IN FACT ! AND WHAT DID SHE GET IN RETURN? YOU GUESSED IT! A BITTER GOSSIP WORSE THEN I WHOM MUST HAVE TOLD HER ASSHOLE PIG BOSS , FRANNIE FUCKROD ; ALL ABOUT HOW WE DISOWNED HER, AND HER BASTARD CHILD; FROM THE FAMILY.

AND SO , THAT BITCH BOSS OF HERS SAID TO MY MOTHER, BACK TWO YEARS AGO WHEN MOM HAD CONSIDERED LISTING THE CONDO WITH HER REAL ESTATE, " I WILL NOT SHOW YOUR CONDO UNLESS [ SOMEBODY'S ] NOT LIVING IN IT! " I GUESS YOU MEANT MY QUEER ASS? FRANNIE FUCKROD ? WELL......UMMM... THAT IS LIKE, UMMMMM..... SO LIKE , INTERESTING YOU KNOW; AS I LIKE READ IN THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS [ tm] SITE THAT WHAT YOU HAD TOLD MY MOTHER ACTUALLY CONSTITUTES WHAT IS BETTER KNOWN AS D-I-S-C-R-I-M-I-N-A-T-I-O-N !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS BOARD WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THIS???? WHATTA YA THINK, SWEETIE?????

and of course my mom made a fucking mistake to even bother calling the southbury police , whose motto should really be " to serve our own kind " in southbury , connecticut . to my brother's coffin nail , all I can say is I SINCERELY HOPE THAT YOU GET SO FUCKING DRUNK ONE NIGHT THAT YOU DRIVE OFF THE ROAD AND DIE IN A FUCKING AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT !

AS FOR THAT USELESS LITTLE " SPERM BUBBLE " OF A DAUGHTER , WHOM I'KLL SIMPLY CALL " PRINCESS SHIT" ; WELL I HOPE THAT YOU EITHER , 1. FALL OFF THE BACK OF YOUR BOYFRIEND'S MOTORCYCLE . OR 2. GET FUCKING DATE RAPED AND KILLED SOMEPLACE DOWN IN NEW HAVEN BY SOME BIG , SHAVED HEAD, LATIN KING MOTHER FUCKER! " PRINCESS PRISSY PUSS" YOU DESERVE NO BETTER AND NICER THING TO HAPPEN TO YOU . MY LATE BROTHER, JOE, SHOULD HAVE FORCED YOUR MOTHER TO ABORT YOU IN THE THIRD TRIMESTER 22 YEARS AGO!

AS FOR THE REST OF THIS ROSE COVERED SHITHOLE TOWN CALLED SOUTHBURY ? WELL I CAN ONLY PRAY TO THE ALMIGHTY TRUE LORD CALLED " SATAN" IN CHRISTIAN MYTHOLOGY THAT A HUGE F-5 TORNADO BLOWS RIGHT ON THHROUGH THE MIDDLE OF TOWN AND KILLS ALL Y'ALL'S ASSES FLAT OUT DEA IN YOUR FUCKING HOMES !

EVEN THOUGH I LIKE A SELECT FEW OF YOU, MOST OF YOU ARE LIKE SHIT IN AN OVERFLOWING SEPTIC TANK WHEN IT COMES TO BEING USEFUL FOR ANYTHING MORE THAN TAKING MY MOTHER FUCKING MONEY AS STORE CLERKS! AS FOR FRIENDSHIPS, Y'ALL ARE MOSTLY NOTHING MORE THEN BUSY WITH YOUR OWN LIVES PIECES OF SHIT ! FUCKING USELESS TO ME EXCEPT FOR YOUR USUAL , 30 SECOND " THANK YOU VERY MUCH . HAVE A NICE DAY " , PRE-PROGRAMMED RITUAL .

I WILL NOT MISS ANY OF YOU , COME TO THINK ABOUT IT . AND TO ALL THOSE STUCK UP HUSBAND WHORES SHOPPING AT BOTH SHAWS AND STOP AND SHOP , WLAK IN YOUR HIGH HEELS AND PLEASE FIND THE AISLE WITH THE SPILLED OLIVE OIL IN IT ; THEN PLEASE SLIP, FALL AND BUST YOUR YUPPIE HEADS WIDE OPEN FOR ALL I CARE . WILL YOUR BLOOD COME OUT " GREEN" AS IN THE COLOR OF RIGHT YUPPIE STUCK UP BITCHES' MONEY? NOT SURE , BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS GO AND ASK THE FUCKING BIGOTS AT THE RED CROSS FOR A BLOOD TRANSFUSION AS YOU SLOWLY ALL DIE!

I HATE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF Y'ALL'S GO DAMN GUTS ! SO GO AND TAKE YOUR STERILIZED LITTLE BREEDLINGS AND THEN, DANCE MERRILY AROUND THE FUCKING GOD DAMN FLAGPOLE WITH ALL THE TOWN'S MINISTERS ON MEMORIAL DAY - SALUTING THOSE STUPID MOTHER FUCKERS YOU CALL
" HEROES" WHO ALL DIED FOR THIS WORTHLESS BAG OF SHIT COUNTRY CALLED AMERICA!

ON JULY 23RD OF 2009 , AS I LEAVE THIS FUCKING ROSE COVERED SHITHOLE TOWN ,A PLACE IN WHICH THE SCENERY IS NICE BUT THE PEOPLE ARE MOSTLY WORTHLESS PILES OF DRIED OUT BARNYARD SHIT- I WILL BE SURE TO RAISE MY MIDDLE FINGER HIGH TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF Y'ALL AS I LEAVE THIS MOTHER FUCKING PILE OF SHIT TOWN .

THAT GOES FOR THE FUCKING DEMOCRATS LIKE THAT USELESS LUMP OF SHIT FORMER FIRST SELECTMAN WE HAD NAMED MARK COOPER , THE FORMER NAZI SARGEANT KEN KRAMER WHOM WAS ABOUT THE BIGGEST HOMOPHOBIC BIGOT THIS TOWN COULD EVER HAVE FOR A " TOP COP" , AND YES, YOU CAROL HUBERT - WHOM I STILL REMEMBER WELL AS TREATING ME LIKE THE GOD DAMN " TRANSGENDER AUNT JEMIMA " [ THE " NIGGER" IN OTHER WORDS] THE LAST TIME I EVER BOTHERED TO VOLUNTEER FOR THE SOUTHBURY DEMOCRATS ; THIS BACK IN 2006 WHEN WE HAD A DEMOCRAT RUNNING AGAINST THAT FUCKING REPUBLICAN BITCH NAMED GOVERNOR M. JODI RELL- A GOVERNOR SO USELESS SHE IS AFRAID TO SIMPLY RAISE THE INCOME TAX 0.5% ON ALL HER RICH BITCHES WHOM HELPED ELECT HER! . DON'T LET THOSE FUCKING PEAL EARRINGS GIVE YOU AN EAR INFECTION BY THE WAY- YOU USELESS PILE OF SHIT!

AND OH YES, TO MS. HOLMES , THE BITCH MOTHER OF THE FUCKING RETARD LIVING OFF GEORGES' HILL ROAD, I WILL RIDE MY MOTHER FUCKING BICYCLE WHEREVER I WANT TO IF I FEEL LIKE IT , AS LONG AS THE ROAD IS NOT PRIVATE WHICH HIGH MEADOW ROAD IS DEFINITELY NOT! IF YOUR BASTARD TART SON RYAN HAS A PROBLEM WITH THAT AND THINKS I AM SOME KIND OF " FRANNIE KRUGER " MONSTER LIKE THE ONE IN HIS FAVORITE MOVIE , " SAW 2 " ; THEN KEEP HIM ON A LONG LEASH LIKE THEY DO WITH THEM PIT BULL DOGGIES !

NOW I WONDER IF EVERY FUCKING TOIWN WILL EVENTUALLY SUCK AS MUCH AS SOUTHBURY AND NEWTOWN DID AFTER A WHILE ? YREKA , CALIFORNIA ! I'M IN THE BULL RIDING ARENA SEEKING COW DKYE PUSSY TO EAT OUT !

AS FOR SOUTHBURY FUCKING SHIT-NECTICUT ? FUCK YOU AND MAY THE LORD OF LIES YOU CALL JESUS BLESS YOU WITH A NICE BIG F-5 TORNADO ; MOTHER NATURE'S VERY OWN VERSION OF THE " BIG BAD WOLF" WHO WILL HUFF, AND PUFF, AND BLOW YOUR FUCKING HOUSES IN!

2009-07-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

2009-07-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

living room at 434-C heritage village , southbury CT 06488-5612 . has potential doesn't it ? notice the awesome brick fireplace, which works though mom and I never used it .
oh yes, well all gotta piss sometime , Dorothy . even those of us from KANSAS ! hall bathroom , one of two in this condo, an Ethan allen Model with two BR's , 2 baths, one has shower only, the other, a full tub/shower combo. still , the old fashioned 1960's early 70's style toilet , a true " water waster " for sure! the water fills the entire bowl pretty much , so I guess it is hard for a girl not to make that " tinkle" , or " piddle" sound when she " goes to the ladies room"; ummmm....pees !
the deck overlooking the courtyard and lake court in heritage village, and " active adult community" meaning those 55 and older , ONLY , can buy or rent in here .
rear deck above to right , saem one y'all saw in the above photo . below is my neighbors' condo , Kitty and Vince - both in their 80's now. you could NOT ask for better neighbors, come to think of it, they've gotten used to my transsexual transition better then all the rest of them; including Ralph - a real two faced,behind your back talking at times, ASSHOLE and New England Connecticut native SNOB SOMETIMES! they came from New Cannan , CT - a rich , stuck the fuck up town in lower fairfield county, connecticut . a place better known for none other then former resident , Dave Letterman [ now living in North Salem, New York; located in also extremely wealthy and much more " rural" , upper Westchester County, NY ] as well as , I believe; where " Mr . Blandings built his dream house" in that very same 1950's, really funny telvision movie!
434-C heritage village- front view , located on Lake court in heritage village , southbury, Connecticut .

needless to say , the place was SOLD !!!! SOLD FINALLY , AFTER FUCKING NEARLY 2-1/2 YEARS OF DEALING WITH REALTORS IN THIS EXTREMELY BAD REAL ESTATE MARKET ! but for a lot less then mom wanted to let it go for. well , at least we did not go into foreclosure like my sometimes shithead Republican, but when it comes to some things-QUITE SMART, sister, linda , wanted it to do!

I told mom " she's fucking crazy ! " and finally, mom agreed. so she then placed an ad in Voices [ www.voices.com ] Newspaper- that useless pile of shit, bloody cunt rag of a local newspaper which sucks except for telling you how " great the good kids are doing in school, college, sports' , music , their features of area artists [ like fucking Trudy M. G. Martin from my former Mattituck Unitarian-Universalist Society- church ] and their STUCK THE FUCK UP ARTSY- FARTSY BULLSHIT AT CAROLE PECK'S RESTAURANT FOR THE SOCIALLY UPTIGHT AND UNEASY !
[ TRANSLATE : SOPHISTICATED WITH MONEY AND GREAT JOBS IN LIFE ! AHHH-FUCKIN-HEMM ! ]

this ad was suposed to run for two weeks, we listed the place at $69,900- the same price which we were told by two different realtors including gary smith , A REALTOR I WILL RECOMMEND TO ANYONE WHOM HAS TO BE THE NICEST, MOST UNOBJECTIVE , NEVER DISCRIMINATORY; REALTOR WITH A TRUE HEART ! [ UNLIKE A CERTAIN OTHER LOCAL REALTOR AND MANAGER AT ' HERITAGE VILLAGE REAL ESTATE ' WHOM SELLS HERITAGE VILLAGE ! THE REST OF HER CREW AS WELL! ]

PERSONALLY , I LOVED GARY ! I WANTED HIM TO LIST AND SHOW MOM'S PLACE , BUT IT WAS NOT MY DECISION BUT RATHER THAT OF MY OFTEN ONE SIDED SISTER , LINDA- THE NAMED EXECUTOR OF MOM'S ESTATE WHOM WAS RUDE TO HIM AND WOULD NOT EVEN GIVE HIM 30 SECONDS OF HER TIME OVER THE PHONE!

but now mom said that this was because she did not wish to have to pay out a commission . okay ????? my sister? well she, like the fucking bitch she can sometimes be, went along blaming ME LIVING HERE ALL THIS TIME for why the place did not sell! not the fucking bad market in which we were never gonna make a profit on this place, sadly ; but ME! ME! ME!

AND HOW DID THIS SHIT ALL START ? I SOON DISCOVERED THAT MOM AND I'S HUNCH WAS 100% CORRECT - A certain ex-girlfriend of my late brother, Joe Oropal , had her hands in the shit stew , so to speak ! her and that fucking SPERM GLOB OF SHIT that her mother feels is the " little PRINCESS" , " LITTLE MISS PERFECT" [ GAG ME ! ] Honor Roll student ; and yes, HER FUCKING PILE OF SHIT , DRUNKEN WINO SKANK HO' , BAR FLY MOTHER ,******* !

the same bitch, whom has been working for 36 fucking years at that same, BIGOTED PILE OF DOGSHIT REAL ESTATE OFFICE - heritage village real estate! that fucking pile of useless shit receptionist , GOLD DIGGING WHORE WHO HAD THE FUCKING , GOD DAMN NERVE TO LIE TO MY NOW DEAD OF CANCER BROTHER ABOUT HOW " SHE COULD NOT CONCEIVE CHILDREN. " THAT TIRED LOOKING, GREY HAIRED WITH HALF OF IT FALLING OUT [ FROM THE WINE? MAYBE ?] OLD SKANK WHORE, WHOM WALKS AROUND WITH HER FUCKING JEANS WAY TOO TIGHT- AS IF SHE'S SHOWING OFF THE " GOODS" TO EVERYBODY IN ORDER TO MAKE HER FUCKING BOYFRIEND JEALOUS . SHE DID THIS SHIT TO MY BROTHER, TOO ; BELIEVE ME; IN THE NEARLY TEN YEARS, AND WORSE, SHE HAD THE GOD DAMN , MOTHER FUCKIN' NERVE TO FIRST NAME THAT GOD DAMN LITTLE BASTARD " SPERM BUBBLE" NAMED ******* , AFTER MY BROTHER, AS IN ****** .

THEN, FOR HER TO GO ALL OVER SOUTHBURY AND WOODBURY, CRAPNECTICUT AND FUCKING TELL EVERYBODY THAT JOE AND SHE WERE MARRIED ? ALL SO FATHER FUCKHEAD , THE FORMER PRIEST AT WOODBURY'S SAINT THERESA'S ROMAN CATHOLIC " BRAINWASHING FACTORY IN THE NAME OF THE BASTARD , SO CALLED " LORD JESUS CHRIST"; AS WELL AS ALL OF HER FUCKING TOWNIE, BLUE COLLAR , MOSTLY DIVORCED BECAUSE THEY ARE MORE THEN LIKELY JUST AS " WONDERFUL" AS ******* , OR IS THAT SKANK'S CUNTY BITCH FRIENDS . ALL OF WHOM ARE WELL KNOWN TO FREQUENT THE NOW " UPSCALE" AND WAY OVERPRICED , REDNECKY WATERING HOLE FORMERLY KNOWN AS
' THATCHERS ' , BUT RECENTLY RENAMED ' MAGGIE MC FLY'S UNIQUE EATERY [ MORE LIKE MAGGIE MC FIREMAN'S FLY'S UNIQUE SOUTHBURY REDNECK DRINKERY - THE FRIDAY NIGHT HOME TO ANDREA AND ALL OF HER WORKING CLASS SCUMBAG PALS ! A PLACE, PERHAPS FREQUENTED BY ALL THE REDNCK DICKHEAD FIREMEN IN THIS FUCKED UP PILE OF SHIT TOWN!

MY BROTHER SHOULD HAVE BEEN SMART IN THE BIGINNING AND NEVER LISTENED TO THAT SCUMBAG BITCH , *******! AN EXTREMELY EVIL WOMAN WHOM FIRST " BAITED" THE HOOK FOR MY BROTHER AFTER HIS BITTER DIVORCE FROM HIS SECOND MARRIAGE WHEN SHE MET HIM AT SOME SOUTHBURY " UPSCALE" RESTAURANT & BAR ; AND THEN , FUCKING LIED TO HIM AND MORE THEN LIKELY , IN ALL HER WINE- SOAKED, GUIDO- CATHOLIC GUILT FROM HER BITTER CHILDHOOD IN BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS WITH HER ADOPTED MOTHER ; TRICKED HIM INTO USING THE CATHOLIC-APPROVED " RYTHYM METHOD" - ONE WHICH ANYBODY EXPECIALLY A FEMINIST KNOWS DOES NOT OFTEN WORK VERY WELL!

THAT, OR KNOWING THAT SCUMBAG ********- SHE MAY HAVE POKED A HOLE INTO THE CONDOM BEFORE HANDING IT TO JOE ; ALL SO SHE COULD HAVE HER LITTLE, " BLESSED" WINO'S CHILD - THE "HONOR STUDENT" ******* - WHOM, BY THE WAY , SMASHED UP AT LEAST TWO CARS BEFORE SHE WAS EVEN 21 YEARS OLD ; BOTHT IMES LETTING HER BOYFRIEND'S DRIVE THEM AND THEN; WRECK THEM! TOO BAD SHE DID NOT DIE ! WOULD HAVE SAVED MY BROTHER A LOT OF MONEY AND PROBABLY HIS WHOLE FUCKING LIFE , FROM WHICH HE WORKED LIKE A DOG JUST TO SUPPORT ALL HIS CHILDREN , BUT MOSTLY THIS LITTLE PIECE OF FUCKING WORTHLESS SHIT NAMED ******* [ NOT, NOR EVER- ONER OF MY FUCKING FAMILY !!!!!! ]

and so, the story goes. AM I MAD? OH YES! AND WHY ? WELL THIS MORNING I WAS UP AT 10 AM AROUND , WHEN I HEAR THAT SNEAKY SKUNK ASSED TWO FACED NEIGHBOR OF MINE, MR. RALPH SMITH, TALKING TO SOMEBODY OUTSIDE MY OPEN WINDOW . THAT SOMEBODY BEING A MAN WHOM RECENTLY LISTED AND QUICKLY SOLD FOR THEM, MY RECENTLY DEAD NEIGHBOR CARMELLA AMBROSINO'S , CARRIAGE HOUSE CONDO HERE IN HERITAGE VILLAGE . THE ONE Y'ALL WILL SEE IF YOU LOOKED TO THE RIGHT AS YOU EXIT THE DECK IN ABOVE PHOTO.

HAVING SPOKEN WITH A MEMBER OF HER FAMILY, I WAS TOLD THAT THEY WERE ABOUT TO LIST THE UNIT WITH HERITAGE VILLAGE REAL ESTATE, THAT THEY EXPECTED TO GET BETWEEN $95,000 AND $110,000 [ BUT I HEARD FROM SAME HALF ASSED CREEP NEIGHBOR, RALPH SMITH, THEY DID NOT GET ANYTHING LIKE THAT] .

WELL HERE I AM , WALKING OVER TO OPEN MY BEDROOM'S WINDOW, THE MORNING QUICKLY GETTING WARMER AT AROUND 10:30 AM . WHAT DID I HEAR ? WELL..... SOME FUCKING MAN OUTSIDE TALKING WITH GOOD OLD , DOUBLE-FACED MR. SMITH STANDING UP ON HIS DECK . FIRST, IT WAS THE USUAL ABOUT HOW " WONDERFUL AND WARM CARMELLA WAS "
[ HORSESHIT! SHE WAS A PHONY PILE OF CATHOLIC CHURCH-GOING SHIT! A GINNIE EYE-TALIAN BITCH FROM FUCKING FLUSHING, QUEENS, NEW
YORK ! BUT NOT NEARLY AS PHONE AS MR. SMITH IS! ]

WELL, THE TOPIC TURNED TO RALPH SMITH'S TURN TO SPEAK, IN HIS USUAL , TWO FACED MANNER. " WE'RE GONNA HAVE TWO NEW PEOPLE MOVING IN NOW, I GUESS. ONE NEXT DOOR AND THE OTHER ONE UP THERE ABOVE! " THIS AS HE , I AM SURE; POINTED TO OUR UNIT.

NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT FUCKER WORKING FOR HERITAGE VILLAGE REAL ESTATE , RUN BY THE VERY SAME WOMAN WHOM LITERALLY TOLD MY MOTHER TWO YEARS AGO WHEN SHE CONSIDERED HAVING HER LIST OUR CONDO SOMETHING LIKE " I WILL NOT LIST YOUR UNIT UNLESS [ SOMEBODY ] LIVING THERE MOVES OUT FIRST. "

DISCRIMINATION?? AGAINST AN LGBT PERSON , AKA " QUEER" ? YOU DECIDE! I THINK SO FOR SURE ! [ AND HER ASS IS FIXIN' TO BURN FOR IT VERY SOON- BUSINESS WISE AS SHE GOES BEFORE THE BOARD OF
REALTORS, MAYBE???? ]

WELL , RIGHT THEN, MR DICKWRENCH , WHOM LATER , I WILL EXPLAIN REFUSED TO GIVE ME HIS NAME , THE OLD FUCKING CATH-O-HOLIC GOAT; HAD THE FUCKING NERVE TO LITERALLY , AND QUITE LOUDLY SAY " OH YOU MEAN THE GUY WHOM THINKS HE'S A WOMAN NOW???? OH YEAH, I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT ! "

TO WHICH DIRTY BIRD OLD SMITH REPLIES SOMETHING LIKE " YUP THAT'S THE ONE ALL RIGHT ! " WELL , I THEN WALKED OVER TO THE WINDOW AS THIS FUCKING JACKASS KEPT MOUTHING OFF ABOUT ME, A TRANSEXUAL WOMAN BY THE WAY , AND LOUDLY SAID " EXCUSE ME???? EXCUSE ME ??? I HEARD EVERY WORD YOU SAID MISTER!" ; only to hear that other son of a bitch , ralph smith , say something like " i think [ she] heard you. "

QUICKLY , I THREW BACK ON MY NIGHTSHIRT, GRABBING MY WALLET FROM MY LEATHER PURSE ON THE BED , THEN WALKED OUTSIDE AND SAID TO RALPH SMITH; " WHERE DID THAT GUY GO ? AS I HEARD EVERY WORD HE SAID! " [ SMITH] " WE'LL I DON'T KNOW REALLY? I THINK HE'S GONE BY NOW" I LOOKED TOWARD THE PARKING LOT AND THERE HE WAS, ABOUT TO GET INTO HIS CAR. HE HAD WHITE-GREY HAIR AND GLASSES AND I KNEW THAT I SAW HIM BEFORE YEARS AGO WHEN MY WACHOVIA BANK WAS LOCATED THERE WHERE NAUGATUCK VALLEY SAVINGS AND LOAN NOW IS AT - NEXT DOOR TO HERITAGE VILLAGE REAL ESTATE WHERE THAT BITCH, ******* WORKS AT !

NEEDLESS TO SAY , OVER QUICKLY I WALKED AND LOUDLY SAID " EXCUSE ME MISTER BUT FOR YOUR INFORMATION , SIR! I AM A LEGALLY A WOMAN ! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU ? I WILL HAVE YOUR REAL ESTATE LICENSE , MISTER FOR WHAT YOU JUST SAID AND THAT BIGOT MANAGER, ***** ******* , OF YOURS AND HOW SHE TOLD MY MOTHER " I WILL NOT LIST YOUR UNIT UNLESS SOMEBODY'S NOT LIVING THERE ANYMORE. "

MY DRIVER'S LICENSE IN HAND , I SAID TO THIS PRICK-BITER , OBVIOUSLY OLD CATHOLIC BASTARD ; " HERE YOU WANNA LOOK AT MY LICENSE ? SEE THE F FOR FEMALE??? FOR YOUR INFORMATION I AM A WOMAN , A TRANSSEXUAL WOMAN AND I USE THE LADIES ROOMS AT KMART !" HE THEN SAID TO ME " FUCK YOU YOU SON OF A BITCH ! " AND THEN, LITERALLY; TRIED TO GRAB MY FUCKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ME AND TOSS IT OVER ON THE LAWN . I GOT IT BACK AND AS HE WAS GETTING IN HIS TAN , CHEVY, I THINK? CAR - HE HOLLERED SOMETHING LIKE ' WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS IS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE NICE TO PEOPLE . ALL THOSE BAD WORDS YOU SAID ABOUT [SKANK] WHO WORKS IN MY OFFICE AND HER DAUGHTER WHO'S AN HONOR ROLL STUDENT! YOU SHOULD BE ASAHMED OF YOURSELF! "

I THEN LET HIM HAVE IT, SAYING , " FOR YOUR INFORMATION, SHE DESERVES IT FOR WHAT SHE DID TO MY BROTHER, MY MOM SHELLED OUT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO GET HER OFF MY BROTHERS BACK. MY BROTHER DIED OF CANCER AND SHE PLAYED A BIG PART IN HIS DEATH WITH HER GOLD DIGGING WAYS , JUST SO THAT LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT NAMED ****** , AND NOT ONE OF OUR FAMILY EITHER BECAUSE JOE AND GOLD DIGGER NEVER WERE MARRIED; COULD HAVE HER EDUCATION! IF I WERE YOU I'D SHUT YOUR BIGOTED MOUTH - YOU AND THAT REAL ESTATE AGENCY. I WILL GET YOUR REALTOR'S LICENSE REVOKED , YOUR UNPROFESSIONAL , BIGOTED BASTARD. YOU AND YOUR [FUCKING MANAGER] FOR WHAT SHE SAID TO MY MOTHER! "

AND SO, AS THE JERK GOT IN HIS CAR , HIS LAST WORDS TO ME WERE " I'LL PRAY FOR YOU " ; TO WHICH MY RESPONSE WAS THIS . " YOU CAN GOT AND FUCK YOUR GOD DAMN JESUS CHRIST UP THE ASS FOR ALL I CARE! YOU HYPOCRITE, AND BIGOT! "

he then left and I walked back , both Ralph Smith and that other bitch, Blazena
[ Bra -shenna ] stransky, a nosy ass bitch and perfect PHONY HERSELF , made their little snippy comments.

needless to say , I called my mom, whom first caled that real estate office, and then, the southbury police; as what he said about me could very well be construed as SEXUAL HARRASSMENT! the cop came over and well, I did not wish to press charges, but okayed for him to go and talk to this creep. the officer, a newer police officer here in town and not one of the old crew of whom many were biased toward these townies; he told me that what that man said was , indeed a violation of my sexuality . AS IN SEXUAL HARRASSMENT !

WELL , ANYWAY , I HAVE NOT BEEN IN HERE TILL TODAY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN PACKING AND GETTING READY FOR THE LONG, TRIP ACROSS THIS USA ; UPON WHICH I HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE ALL BACK ROUTES ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND NEVER GET ONTO EVEN ONE MILE OF INTERSTATE HIGHWAY/FREEWAY/EXPRESSWAY/PARKWAY - UNTIL I REACH EITHER SANTA YNEZ [ THE LATE MICHAEL JACKSON'S RANCH HOMETOWN] AND GAVIOTA; OR GOING THE OTHER TRACK - PISMO BEACH, CALIFORNIA !

this trip will be taking me through 13 states , in this order . CT,NY,NJ,PA,OH,IN,IL,MO,KS,CO,NM,AZ,and finally CALIFORNIA ! I will be going through Joe Paterno's State College, PA , along with John Cougar Mellencamp's Seymour Indiana, Gretchen Wilson's Pocahontas, Illinois [ country music outlaw with a vagina, singer, in her song " Pocahontas Proud" on the CD- Here for the Party].

I will then cross the missisippi river at golden eagle IL on the golden eagle ferry { $7.00 one way] into missouri , then go up toward Hannibal, MO, mark twain's boyhood hometown. from there, it'll be straight on over 200 miles , across MO to Melissa Etheridge's hometown of Leavenworth, Kansas; then across Kansas- perhaps one of the most conservative bible belt states in the united state's of america; through Salina [ where my late brother, Joe's first wife, Donna, was from . the one he had met and married back in 1964 while in the US air force and stationed in wichita, KS ] ; then onto Hayes, trego Center , Cedar bluff state park , Russell , and finally weskan, KS , up to mount sunflower [ kansas' highest point ]

and then over through cheyenne wells, CO, toward littleton , colorado - the unlikely home of my favorite example of bullying in high school gone too far - DYLAN KLIEBOLD . the guy whom, with eric harris, went on that rampage back in april of 1999 and then, shot 12 students [ all jocks, honor students, and preppie-christians! so called popular students whom , perhaps , deserved what they got in some ways. ] and one teacher.

from there it will be on toward the rocky mountains and Pike's Peak - at elevation of 14,410 feet above sea level the second highest mountain in the continental USA next to mount whitney in CA at 14,446 ft. I think . I think I'll take the cog railway up to the top , saving both wear and tear on the car and well.....the chance of getting far too dizzy from the higher elevations along the top of that auto road- a toll road by the way like mount washington in new hampshire . then it will be across the great rockies and the continental divide as I head into buene vista CO and over toward almont on a county road going up through the highest of mountains and the rocky mountain national forest ! it shall be awesome, I just hope the car can handle it- but after having everything checked, I know that the coolant is good, brakes were about halfway worn- which is great with 15,000 to 20,000 miles left n them approximately.

from there , it will be down toward silverton CO and then durango, CO ; all the way down into new mexico near farmington, NM . then over into the high desert of AZ , kayenta, the grand canyon's south rim and grand canyon natl. park ; down and over through willaha, supei, along the indian service roads , state/federal highways but dirt roads , I believe. then, into peach springs, AZ and over toward boulder city and the HOOVER DAM. into las vegas on the strip and then, eventually going into CALIFORNIA and the death valley .

from there, it will be over and up into the sierra nevada mountains and the sequoias and sequoia national park's south boundary[ perhaps into it as well for some camping ! if I can get in this time of the year? maybe should make reservations ahead by cell phone! ] . then down into the vast and quite dry central valley just above bakersfield and again, over the coastal ranges and then ; it will be all downhill toward the mighty pacific Ocean ; coming out either through santa ynez into gaviota, CA; or just above , or below, there into either santa barbara or possibly pismo beach. I then will follow the california state route 1 all the fucking way north toward carmel and the 17 mile drive[ which you must pay for $9.50 toll but can have that deducted if you spend over $25 at any restaurant - Roy's, a hawaiian steakhouse , is highly recommended and one can dress casual{ but perhaps not just in sports' bra tops !!! LOL } ]

I will next perhaps stop off at san francisco to see steve , this dude I knew from Irvington new york and the white plains borders on friday nights with marshall, hank, jim, bob, and all the others including julie . this back , of course, in the old , " former life's days " if you know what I mean- though steve knows I am a transsexual woman now! as does hank and I'm sure , bob as well whom keeps up with hank/ henry .
then, form there , it will be off to northern california, following the same state road 1 all the way toward eureka with side trips into inland mendocino county , humboldt county; at which pint i will cross over into weaverville, CA - that very same town with only 4,000 people in it that I wanted to see as " It" back in sept. of 1996 when arriving in overdeveloped and apartmentalized redding , california on that grey-dog bus [ greyhound] . I will probably ventrure on up toward yreka as well as into southern oregon and probably see my neice , jamie .

that is if she is okay still with me and DOES NOT SIDE WITH THAT FUCKING GOLD DIGGER WHORE ******* !!!!! ???????? THE BITCH WHOM POUNDED THE FINAL NAIL INTO HER FATHER'S, AND MY BROTHER'S , COFFIN !!!!

as for now, I am still undecided as to where I will move to , I'll have to fucking look around and see where , and what , I like better . far northern isolated northern california? or southern, maybe central INLAND Oregon ???? like I have been telling everybody whom asks as if I was Ms . fucking yuppie bitch with her pockect pen planner in her hand ; I have no [ fucking] clue ! someplace in between chico california to the south , and eugene, oregon to the north. between mendocino and humboldt counties inland at least 20 miles where summers get hotter ; and possibly over toward bend oregon area, cascadia , OR - ANY FUCKING PLACE WHERE I CEN GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THESE YUPPIE " PROFESSIONAL " MONEY MAKING DOUCHBAGS I HATE HERE ON THE EAST FUCKING COAST IN SHIT-NECTICUT AND FUCKING WESTCHESTER COUNTY , NEW YORK !

I DON'T NEED THE FUCKING OVERPRICED ARTS , " CULTURAL " BULLSHIT OF THE GOD DAMN FUCKING CITIES WITH ALL THE YUPPIE, " WELL-ATTIRED" , SHIT DOES NOT SMELL, PRISSY- ASS SNOTBAGS IN THEIR HIGH FUCKIN' HEELS! BISTROS, WITH THEIR SORRY ASS, OVERPRICED AND UNDER-PORTIONED " HEALTH FOOD", CALORIE COUNTER'S BULLSHIT , I DON'T NEED! ALONG WITH ALL THE FUCKING, STUPID " SPRIITUAL SEEKING " PLASTIC
" ENLIGHTENED" EX-HIPPIES LISTENING TO THEIR GOD DAMN FUCKING DAVE MATTHEWS BAND " MUSIC FOR THE FUCKING PEOPLE , POSITIVE AND UPLIFTING " HORSESHIT !

GET ME OUT IN THE FUCKING COUNTRY , WHERE BEEF IS WHAT'S FOR DINNER ! YET WHERE I WILL STILL HAVE MY LGBT RIGHTS ! THAT IS WHERE I WANT TO LIVE ! A TRAILER IN THE MOUNTAINS OR VALLEY , ON A DIRT ROAD SEVEN MILES LONG ! AS FAR AWAY FROM FUCKING SHALLOW ASSED , GO-GETTER, AMBITION-DRIVEN " PROFESSIONALS" AS I POSSSIBLY COULD LIVE!

WHEN I GET TO THAT PLACE , I WILL KNOW IT ! AND THAT IS WHERE I WANT TO BE RIGHT ABOUT NOW . I DON'T NEED MALLS, MOVIE THEATERS, RIGHT CLOSE BY . I DON'T NEED NEIGHBORS POLLUTING MY BREATHING SPACE IN SOME FUCKING APARTMENT COMPLEX! I LIKE PEOPLE BETTER WHEN I DON'T HAVE TO LIVE IN REALLY CLOSE PROXIMITY TO THEM ! THE FEWER THE BETTER! AS MANY OF THEM BECOME TOTALLY USELESS TO ME AFTER A FEW MONTHS OR A YEAR !

THINKING BACK , I LIKED WHERE I WAS ON ELK CREEK ROAD IN MEREDITH , NEW YORK UPSTATE , 15 MILES TO WAL MART OF ONEONTA [ 16 MILES DOWNTOWN AND SUNY STATE COLLEGE ONEONTA ] . THE NEAREST SHOPPING SUPERMARKET BEING IN THE VILLAGE OF DELHI, NY - 12.8 MILES AWAY . THE ONLY THING THAT WAS BAD WAS THE WINTERS ! ALL THAT SNOW, AND YES, THOSE ASSHOLE NEW YORK DRIVERS WHOM MOVED FROM NEW YORK CITY AND LONG ISLAND UP THAT WAY !

AND SO, TRINITY COUNTY, CA , SISKIYOU CO, INLAND HUMBOLDT OR MENDOCINO[ WHERE THEY GROW THE POT ! ] ; PERHAPS JOSEPHINE CO, BEND CO, LAND CO, DOUGLAS COUNTY, OREGON . WHEREVER THAT TWO LAND ROAD , IN THE WORDS OF FORMER SOUTHERNER AND COMEDIAN, JEFF FOXWORTHY , SAYS " IF TELLING OUT OF TOWN GUESTS THE DIRECTIONS TO YOUR NEW HOME INCLUDE TURN LEFT OFF THE PAVED ROAD! { THEN YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK !} "

YES SWEETIE! THAT IS THE PLACE WHERE I WANT TO BE AGAIN!

and so, july 23, 2009 , I will again return to where I started out back in september of 1996 , as that fucking miserable " M" thing I lived as for far too long . as long as I can still drive to the city or wherever I have to to get my hormones every 3-6 months , I will be happy being the cunt'ry lesbian bitch!

as for now? I am looking foward to driveing the back routes across america , and yes, seeing how those conservative " bible thumpers" really react to me . I NOW KNOW ENOUGH TO STEP BACK AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE WHEN HOSTILITY IS ALL AROUND ! MAYBE IT IS REALLY NOT AS BAD AS ALL THESE
" EAST FUCKING COAST EDUCATED INTELLECTUALS " , FROM WHOM I CAN'T EXPECT TO GET FROZEN SHIT IN THAT UPSTATE NEW YORK COW PASTURE IN WINTER FROM; SAY THAT IT IS IN KANSAS???

WILLING TO FIND OUT SOON !

2009-07-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

2009-06-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

the Harlem river where it meets the east river, new york NY . views from the metro north railroad bridge as the southeast train entered manhattan island - county, and city, of course; of new york, new york.
and old new haven line diesel locomotive which we passed along the way in westchester county NY .
some of the still , very " rural" looking reservoirs in northern Westchester County , near Purdys, New York . just below brewster NY village in the town of north salem, NY .
croton reservoir near north salem [ golden's bridge village ] new york, northern westchester co. about 45 miles north of the city - manhattan NY.
ALL ABOARD !!!!!! I STILL REMEMBER THAT CONDUCTOR SAYING THIS AT EVERY STOP AS A CHILD RIDING WITH MY LATE DAD, ALBERT OROPAL ; AS WE BOARDED THE LONG ISLAND RAILROAD AT BALDWIN , L.I. , NY AND RODE THE 40 MINUTES TRIP INTO MANHATTAN'S PENN STATION AT 34TH ST AND 7TH AVE. ANYWAY, THIS IS ABORD THE METRO NORTH SOUTHEAST COMMUTER TRAIN HEADING SOUTHBOUND INTO MANHATTAN'S GRADN CENTRAL STATION ON THE AFTERNOON OF JUNE 3, 2009 . LAST TRIP, PERHAPS, ABORD THE METRO NORTH INTO NEW YORK CITY FOR A LONG TIME!
OH YES ! THE FUCKING MAJOR MADNESS OF NEW YORK CITY AT RUSH HOUR IN GRAND CENTRAL STATION AT ABOUT 6:35 PM ON A WEEKDAY . NORTHING LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE IN THE WHOLE GOD DAMN WORLD! A CITY THAT MANY IN THE REST OF AMERICA FEEL IS INHABITED BY SOME OF THE RUDEST ASSHOLES, I MEAN HUMAN BEINGS ; IN ALL THE 50 STATES OF AMERICA! EVER WONDER WHY ? MANY HERE HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT CIVILITY ACTUALLY IS , IN MANY WAYS, THOUGH, THEY ARE MORE CIVIL THAN IF YOU PLACED EVERYBODY FROM SAY, KANSAS CITY ; IN THE MIDST OF THIS CRAZY FUCKING OVERCROWDED PLACE! FOREGROUND: THE FAMOUS CLOCK TOWER ON TOP OF THE METERO NORTH RAILROAD INFORMATION AND TICKET BOOTH.
HAPPY RETIREMENT! SARGEANT KEN KRAMER OF THE CONNECTICUT STATE POLICE! SOUTHBURY'S TOP RESIDENT STATE TROOPER WILL, LIKE CHERYL LYN NE OROPAL , LEAVING THE SO CALLED " GOOD PEOPLE " OF SOUTHBURY, CONNECTICUT VERY SOON . JUNE 30, 2009 IS HIS LAST DAY OF " LOYAL SERVICE" , EXCUSE ME- I MEAN C-O-R-R-U-P-T-I-O-N !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ENJOY YOUR RETIREMENT SGT, NAZI ASSHOLE!

AND BY THE WAY, WHEN YOU ARE OUT RIDING THAT BIG BAD ASS HARLEY DAVIDSON MOTORBIKE , SCUMBAG MOTHER FUCKER ; WHEN IT BEGINS TO RAIN ON A HOT SUMMER'S DAY - PLEASE WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FRESH BANANNA PEELS THAT PEOPLE SOMETIMES TOSS OUT THEIR CARS ONTO INTERSTATE FREEWAY I-84, FUCKING DICKHEAD MOTHER FUCKER! I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOUR TIRES HIT THAT WET BANANNA PEEL, POSSIBLY CAUSING YOUR BIG BAD HARLEY FAT BOY TO " ACCIDENTLY" SLIP AND FALL ; THUS TOSSING YOU ONTO THAT HARD FREEWAY'S PAVEMENT !

OR WOULD I ??????? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!
" CUNT DE LA CUNT " AKA: CHERYL LYNNE OROPAL , THE CHERYLSASS!
VIEWS FROM THE TOP OF STEEP ROCK , WASHINGTON CONNECTICUT. CONNECTICUT HAS SOME OF THE FINEST SCENERY THAT I WILL DEFINITELY MISS WHEN I HEAD WEST. THEN AGAIN, I NEVR SAW COLORADO AND THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS YET .
SHEPAUG RIVER FLOWING THROUGH THE SHEPAUG VALLEY IN WASHINGTON CONNECTICUT .

SO I GUESS I THERE WILL BE THINGS I WILL DEFIN ITELY MISS ABOUT BOTH CONNECTICUT AND THE NEW YORK METRO AREA. I will definitely miss the green scenery , the trees and all the hills , for sure. the winding back highways of both CT and lower " upstate" new york , roads like SR 301 from carmel , NY west toward cold spring village [ phillipstown NY ] and the hudson river.

and I will miss riding those commuter trains into new york city , as well as haning out and chillin' down in greenwich village , walking broadway at 4 AM alone, going to bars like stonewall and the henrietta hudson lezzie bar & girl when I could afford it. I will definitely miss my endocrinogist down at the callen lorde center in manhattan NY at 356 west 18th street near 9th ave. I'll miss riding those fun subways everytime I go down to the city , the drive from white plains NY to southbury along the back routes and town roads.

I will miss MOM most of all , whom has given me a free ride in life for much longer then I deserved, causing me to never learn to rither grow up , or commit suicide eventually! maybe overdose on crack cocaine and get shot by the many bad people I used to associate with as " It" Oropal .

I will miss the niceness of southbury connecticut , the scenery and the many forests , places like the paradise hill preserve, where I first hiked on a snowy new years eve as ' It ' ; back in 2003 and discovered the place!

I WILL MISS PISSING OFF THE FUCKING YUPPIE HOUSEWIVES IN TOWN BY WEARING MY SPORTS' BRAS IN SUMMER TO THE SUPERMARKET - ESPECIALLY DEB AND THAT CUNT , SHERRI - BOTH ASSISTANT MNANAGERS OF SHAWS SOUTHBURY- DEB BEING THE ONE WHOM TOLD ME " MY MANAGER SAID YOU CAN'T COME IN THE STORE WITHOUT A SHIRT ON ANYMORE! " THE WOMAN WHOM I RATTED OUT TO WWW.SHAWS.COM THAT VERY SAME NIGHT AND GOT HER IN TROUBLE FOR TRANSGENDER DISCRIMINATION !

I will miss the edmond town hall movie theatre in newtown CT at 45 main street , and yes, that fucking FLAGPOLE SITUATED RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT MAIN STREET , AT ROUTE 25 AND US ROUTE 6 . what other town has one of those right in the middle of town ? [ answer- I believe tiny Dorris, California , a truly SMALL TOWN located close to Yreka, CA in Siskiyou County California - about 800 people! it is close to the Oregon border in northernmost california's Siskiyou Mountains where mount shasta , elevation 14,164 feet above sea level, is also located .

PEOPLE ????? well there is warren , my best guy friend of all whom lives at his senior parents' house in the makeshift room above the garage without any bathroom. I will miss james k. buchanan , originally of woodbridge connecticut whom now lives in wallingford - writer and self publisher of two books , the lonely hill and , one I am now reading called the WOOLRIDGE TALE [ " woolridge" being actually Woodbridge, connecticut.

acquaintences I will miss .

1. thea , the girl whom works with her family , the Gogas family whom owns the Jordan's Pizza and restaurant business , both Jordan's of southbury and San Remo restaurant of woodbury [ where the original Jordan's Pizza can be still found at its finest! as " It " , I used to feel this chick was about the biggest stuck up, material girl bitch around ! But, as I began to transition , started wearing skirts and dresses, and legally became CHERYL- she warmed up and became very nice toward me everytime I came in . I LEARNED SHE WAS NOT SO STUCK UP AND RATHER A VERY COOL CHICK WITH A VERY REBELLIOUS SIDE TO HER!

2. cathy at stop and shop of southbury - whom , now front end manager , is always very nice toward me and treats me like any woman shopper would expect to be treated!

3. alice and the girls at CVS drugs pharmacy - all whom have eventually come around and accepted me as one of the girls here in town.

4. Cathy Sexton- Dale- former owner of In Fashion , a small boutique which was located at the corner of main street south and poverty road in southbury's bennett square shopping center behind Leo's restaurant . she gave me much business advice and encouraged me to someday start a small business like she had, plus my now " dormant" online store , Lezebelle's boutique at www.lezebellesboutique.com/

5. carmella - at corrigan's motors garage , the former sunoco station - always nice to me.

6. janet- the librarian at southbury library's front desk- whom was, at first, really nice to me- then became a fucking bitch when she saw me dare to wear my sports bras and bike short into the fucking library . FUCK YOU , JANET AND THE REST OF YOU " PROPER SOUTHBURY BITCHES" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Cathy Gogas , co-owner of the Jordan's family restaurant business , whom treated me everytime I came in, like any other woman customer ; much like Thea does.

8. Rocky - the pizza cook at southbury's Jordan's rest . whom got over his transphobia and was nice to me every time I came in for a pizza!

9. Nikki - the 20 year old, bisexual, hispanic puerto rican girl whom worked, for the longest time, at southbury's stop and shop. [ she tended to be nicer when she was dating women ! and one of her uncles , she told me once, is part owner or manager of Danbury's Triangles - one of the only two gay bars in western
connecticut north of lower failfield county's westport - the cedar brook cafe .

10. Lisa nacinovich- srogi , a woman whom knew me as the former self in newtown high school; one whom I recently hooked up with again on facebook and in classmates.com ; whom invited me, many others; to her informal " family " high school reunion after 29 years [ and me coming as somebody else=CHERYL ! ] she now lives in terryville .

11. harvey hubbell the 5th - guy I knew from newtown who m is now a well known film maker and just produced the rough draft of his new film about dyslexia - Dislecksia the movie [ all about his struggle in school growing up with dyslexia, a learning disability often confused for what I have had ADHD; this in newtown during the early to mid 1970's .] he now resides in Litchfield CT

12. Sarah W Young- a writer and ventrilloquist from garrison new york I knew , both before and more so, after transition ; from many readings at both the Hudson Valley Writers Center in sleepy hollow NY ; and the studio two in peekskill , NY . [ best girlfriend ]

13. shishi maisa - fort montgomery, NY - an awesome poet whom actually invented his own language called " song" ; which he uses and interprets into English in all his writings of poetry ! BRILLIANT DUDE, INDEED!

and so, I have been packing and shall do more tomorrow. sat night I first went up to dillion stadium in hartford CT [ a ghetto shit fucking hole city if there was
any! ] to see the Connectucut Crushers WOMAN'S TACKLE FOOTBALL TEAM PLAY . THIS FOR THE SECOND TIME DURING WHICH, YES, AGAIN THEY LOST WITH 31-6 ! I WENT WITH WARREN THE WEEK BEFORE THE FIRST TIME , THIS AFTER CONNECTICUT PRIDE 2009 ON JUNE 7th.

I later met warren after driving back on the back routes of route US 44 into simsbury CT at the mc donalds' ; talking on my cell phone's bluetooth as I drove along hartford's worst neighborhood's main street called ALBANY AVE. -ONE OF THE BADDEST BLACK NEIGHBORHOODS IN ALL OF CONNECTICUT NORTH OF NEW HAVEN!

he later showed me his cramped living quarters above that garage in avon CT , we talked for a couple hours. I then left as that nasty rainstorm continued all night long; driving the still fairly rural state roads through burlington, harwinton, torrington's southernmost end; into thomaston and then picked up US 6 into watertown, woodbury, and finally southbury CT .

I thought about how many years I lived here before moving to florida , how I knew each and everyone of these roads , how , for the most part; it has kind of stayed pretty much the same in many ways! the state is still mostly wodded and still has that " rural" lifestyle, at least as far as the homes being far apart from one another and the towns being still relatively small without too many shopping centers ; or any in many of them like harwinton and burlington! the roads are mostly still only two lanes , with wooden guardrails still along the sides and those little , white reflectors attached to them .

FUCKING CONNECTICUT ! THE MORE IT HAS CHANGED- THE MORE IT NEVER REALLY DID ACTUALLY CHANGE - EXCEPTION BEING HOW THE DRIVERS' HAVE NOW BECOME A BUNCH OF ALWAYS IN A HURRY ASSHOLES LIKE DOWNSTATE NEW YORK, AND YES, MASSACHUSETTS " MASS-HOLE" DRIVER'S EVEN MORE SO TEND TO BE!

I have traveled nearly every fucking state road in this state , from new london, voluntown, sterling and thompson along still rural route 149; to north porchuck road and john street in greenwich, long lots and compo roads in westport. I have hiked many trails here in connecticut, ridden many back roads back when they had very few houses in places like chester and hadlyme ! I have camped in the devil's hopyard state park's campground with just the outhouse toilets and no showers! I have been to those same waterfalls along eight mile brook in haddam , millington green nearby- all has become so frantically busy with more and more people always in a hurry.

CONNECTICUT, WHILE STILL A VERY PRETTY SMALL STATE; HAS SURELY LOST ITS FORMER CHARM ! THE " SMALL TOWNS" ARE REALLY NOT SMALL ANYMORE ! THEY HAVE BEEN TAKEN OVER BY YUPPIES BUILDING HUGE $400,000 TO OVER ONE MILLION DOLLARS HOMES ON 1-5 ACRE LOTS ; ALL OF WHOM STRUGGLE TO MAINTAIN " BALANCE" IN THEIR BUSY, CORPORATE WORKING LIVES!

sure, this state , well as downstate new york , has all its arts and theater offeri ngs, but what good are those if you are NOT one of the " chosen many " living here whom can afford to go to , say ; a play at the hartford bushnell , new haven's long wharf theatre ; or even the Goodspeed Opera House ; an historical dinner-theatre situated in an old Country Inn set right along the banks of the Connecticut River in Haddam CT ; about 30 miles southeast of hartford, the constitution state's capitol city just across that famous drawbridge leading from portland CT west on route 66 .

plays at those places range in ticket prices from about $45-80 each!!!! WHO THE FUCK CAN AFFORD TO ENJOY CONNECTICUT'S CULTURAL OFFERINGS UNLESS THEY ARE A FUCKIN G GOD DAMN " PROFESSIONAL" PERSON ?????? NOT THE BUCHER, BAKER , OR CANDLESTICK MAKER! THAT IS FOR SURE!

EVEN THE PLUMBER - WHOM COULD STILL, WHEN HE FINDS THE TIME OFF; TAKE THE FAMILY CAMPING AT ONE OF CONNECTCUT'S MANY STATE PARK CAMPGROUNDS OUT EAST NEAR THE FOXWOODS AND MOHEGAN SUN
" INDIAN" GAMBLING CASINOS!

but the real truth is this. connecticut has to be one of the fucking hardest place to live if you are not a family person , or at least wealthy and single! [ this includes lesbians and gays as well ! ] it is a place where one must volunteer for this, that , and about 50 other things in the community! belong to this and that professional organization or theatre group or troupe!

if you do not fit into the " work hard to get ahead in life , further your education with this and that degree; than DO NOT EXPECT TO MAKE ANY FRIENDS HERE IN CONNECTICUT. THAT IS, UNLESS YOU GREW UP IN ONE OF THIS STATE'S MANY BLUE COLLAR TOWNS LIKE NAUGATUCK, WATERBURY, OR EAST HARTFORD, ARE STILL CATHOLIC AND CLOSE TO YOUR FAMILY , ETC.

PUT SIMPLY, EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO MAKING FRIENDS IN THE GAY, LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, OR TRANSGENDER COMMUNITIES HERE IN
CONNECTICUT, YOU HAVE TO FALL INTO ONE OF THE ABOVE CATEGORIES , OR YOU WILL BE A LONER!

WHAT THE FUCK GOOD IS " EQUAL MARRIAGE " IF YOU WILL NEVER HAVE THE CHANCE TO FIND A SUITABLE PARTNER IN LIFE ? WHEN EVEN MANY OF THE FUCKING LESBIANS ARE A BUNCH OF STUCK THE FUCK UP , CORPORATE PROFESSIONAL , OR COLLEGIATE STUDYING TO BECOME ONE OF THOSE PROFESSIONALS ; BITCHES?????

GET MY POINT? even the woman whom was so big with Love Makes a Family
[ www.lovesmakesafamilyct.org ] , anne stanback ; toward me has often acted like a " cunty" , professional , family-oriented bitch. as much as I really respect her and all that she has done so far to win us LGBT marriage and all . as much as I also respect Jerimarie lisegang , a sister transsexual woman like myself ; for allo that she has done for connecticut's transgender citizens with her CT transadvocacy coalition , I will have to say that she, too; acted fucking really CUNTY , toward me after a while .

GET MY POINT ????? WHAT GOOD IS EQUAL MARRIAGE RIGHTS WHEN YOU WILL NEVER , EVER, EVEN GET THE CHANCE TO MEET ANYBODY COMPATIBLE , WHEN EVEN EVERY FUCKING DYKE ON MATCH.CO M HERE IN CONNECTICUT, AND WESTCHESTER COUNTY NEW YORK FOR THE MOST PART; IS A FUCKING " CUNTY" PROFESSIONAL, FORMALLY EDUCATED , SO CALLED " LIBERAL" WOMAN !

WHAT GOOD IS EQUAL MARRIAGE RIGHTS IN A STATE WHERE YOU, BECAUSE OF YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD SUCCESS AND REFUSAL TO ACT IN THAT " DALE CARNEGIE" APPROVED MANNER OF BEHAVIOR ; WILL NEVER HOOK UP WITH ANYONE EVER??????

WHAT GOOD IS EQUAL MARRIAGE RIGHTS IF YOU ARE 1. L-G-B-T , and yes
2. ARE NOT ONE OF THE CHOSEN MANY IN LIFE , WITH THAT GREAT CAREER and GREAT POSITIVE, HINT : PHONY - CAN DO, " LIFE IS GOOD!" ATTITUDE????

IF YOU ARE NOT " ONE OF THEM" , THEN YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO MEET ANYBODY SUITABLE FOR A LIFE PARTNERSHIP !

AND SO, WHAT GOOD IS LGBT MARRIAGE IN A PLACE WHERE I WILL NEVER BE ONE TO ENJOY WHAT THOSE CHOSEN " PROFESSIONALLY EMPLOYED" , ARTSY FARTSY , CULTURALLY, SOCIALLY, AND FUNCTIONALLY LITERATE; COUPLES GET TO ENJOY ?????

WHAT GOOD, FOR THOSE LIKE ME WHOM NEVER MADE IT IN LIFE , IS LGBT EQUAL MARRIAGE ???????

I OFTEN WONDER IF THINGS ARE FIXING TO BE ANY DIFFERENT WHEREVER I GO ???? OR WILL THE SAME BE TRUE OF EVERYWHERE????? WE WILL SEE, I GUESS.