The Diary Of Cheryl Lynne Oropal

2009-11-11T17:25:00.000-08:00

well here I am in fucking oregon , and yet , I am not happy. truthfully I feel that my west coast dream of living here fell apart. I had wanted to live in california more then here , originally , but california is far too expensive. even in yreka / siskiyou county, the rents are quite high [ for being in a remote, rural- wilderness area!] at around $600 and UP+++. so at the suggestion of my mom , I went on to fucking oregon, " because my neice[ jamie] lives there and she may be able to help you find a place." well did you ever feel like your own family was good for little more then shit ???? well that was how jamie made me feel , and I have a feeling that it is her fucking husband rick whom is the reason that she would not allow, or even ask me, to at least stay with her till I got a place of my own [ somehow , on a shitty $694 month total SSDI + SSI check! ???? GOD DAMN AMERICA!!! ] he is a catholic , so that perhaps explains half of it. the rest? well he is also a newport OR cop of two years , and like most of them whom are in the good ole boys network ... well you get the drift???

well ....... so here I am living in a tent about 17 miles south of yachats, OR , a reasonably liberal town with an interesting mix of rednecks, artists, service workers[ mostly half unemployed during the winter rainy season] , just a shit mix of some nice, friendly, and interesting people. the tolerance level of yachats seems to be bitchen' to the max, err AWESOME. but it is cliquish to the max as well . I've met some killer people, a lesbian named kathryn whom was seemingly nice , as well as janet, a woman about my age , and more. even most of the hillbillies here in this small town called Yachats [ pronounced YA-HAATZ , and yes OR-Y-GUN ! not ORE-GON ! HE HE HE ] seem to be tolerant, well all but this one bull-headed, mean lokking mother fucker whom justy gives me the stare down at the landmark inn. the bartenders are nice, matt, from california originally, is really bitchen' kewl and so are all the rest!

so why am I already sick of this fucking place called OR-Y-GUN ????? well all it does is rain and rain , 6 of seven days per week from oct 1st till june! I never felt as COLD as I do here with all the humidity , worse then back east in april's rainy season!

plus, the god damn fucking oregon social services, called the oregon dept of human services [ www.oregon.gov ] has absolutely NO RENTAL ASSISTANCE, even the food stamps would be less for me here, in CT , for example, I get $200 / month [ based upon that " rent cost of $470 / month plus utils. of $157 - which I never really paid and freeloaded off of mom . and as for the so called " progressives" here on the west coast ? well it seem more HORSESHIT THAN REALITY !

but last night at the landmark inn bar was why I feel the way that I do. some bitch ass bar whore named kelli , or calli, her real name , invited me over to her sister's place. she knew that I was a transwoman , but I think she still saw me as the " M thing" more then anything else. well, needless to fucking say , she was coming on to me all fucking night like the drunken sass that she was , and then, at the same time asking me shit like " so, are you a man? or a woman? " FUCKING C-U-N-T !!!! BITCH! HO' !!

anyway, so I did take her offer and stay over, but in thwe morning when she invited me to come with her sister and she, plus sam , her sister's boyfriend, down to the beach by the yachats river , after her sister walked off with sam down romantic lane ; she walked down to the beach with me and then ; LIKE THE CUNT SHE TURNED OUT TO BE; LITERALLY LEFT ME SITTING THERE ON A ROCK. am I mad ?? why yes , as I do not like game players .

anyway , all I have to say is this. FUCK YOU KELLI , CALLI, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS ! I LEFT CT BECAUSE OF THOSE LIKE YOU .

MORE LATER....

okay, jamie, the neice. well she was so nice enough to treat me to my big birthday dinner at some chinese restaurant in florence, OR, about 12 miles from where I am camping

2009-08-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

well here I am in kansas someplace , on my way west . so far I've been through punxsutwaney, PA and saw Phil's roost in the town library ; then rolling southern ohio into seymour indiana ; the hometown of singer john mellencamp . I then went toward pocahontas, illinois , best known for gretchen wilson, the country singer whom wrote the songs " redneck woman " and " pocahontas proud". she lived there as a child , long before going off to nashville TN to become a big, country singer and the first , sassy assed outlaw WOMAN OF COUNTRY !

from there, it was off into missouri , to hannibal , the boyhood home of connecticut's own mark twain , otherwise known as samuel clemmons long before he wrote any books. the people ? well everything all those east coast intellectuals I knew from the fucking hudson valley writer's center, well as the mattituck unitarian church ; what they said about " those narrow minded rednecks out in the country" ? well IS NOT EVEN 50% TRUE ! THE PEOPLE HERE, THE WOMEN , ESPECIALLY, HAVE BEEN SO MUCH NICE THEN ALL THOSE " CUNTY" EXECUTIVE, FORMALLY EDUCATED BITCHES BACK IN BOTH CONNECTICUT AND WESTCHESTER COUNTY NEW YORK ! AND YES, THIS INCLUDES ALL THOSE FUCKING TRANSSEXUAL WOMEN I KNEW FROM THE HARTFORD TWENTY CLUB AND THE REST IN CONNECTICUT - WHOM, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN THAT PLACE; WERE ALL " CAREER CENTERED" AND MADE OF PERFUME AND PLASTIC!

to a special bitch whom , my 88 year old mom and I feel was perhaps the biggest
" coffin nail" helping to eventually kill off my brother, Joe Oropal ; yes YOU Andrea K. and your whole heritage village real estate including your BIGOT BITCH BOSS- FRAN STANTON , WHOM SAID " I WILL NOT SHOW YOUR UNIT AS LONG AS THAT CHILD OF YOURS IS STILL LIVING IN IT ! ". I will say " fuck you! andrea! YOU DID YOUR JOB TO BEST KILL MY FAVORITE BROTHER, JOE- WITH YOUR GOLD DIGGING , MONEY GRUBBING WAYS ! $13,000 MY FAMILY PAID OUT SO YOUR LITTLE PRINCESS, WHOM SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN OROPAL , TRASHLEY ; GOT YOUR FUCKING MONEY . $14,000 DIVIDED BY ONE-THIRD. SO FUCK YOPU AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND MAY YOU GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING HOPEFULLY SOON !

to the rest of shithole southbury , I will say " thanks for making me feel NOT WELCOME for ten long years; both as " It" and as Cheryl . y'all can learn a lot from the people you educated asses feel are " trailer trash farmers" here in both the midwest and kansas! the women here are REAL ! NOT SOME TALBOTS AND MACY'S SHOPPING , PILE OF " ENLIGHTENED" CORPORATE SHIT WITH THEIR BROADWAY SHOWS AND FIND DINING ! I DON'T MISS YOU, SOUTHBURY ! NOT THE BIGOTED COPS, DEB FROM SHAWS WITH HER DISLIKE OF MY SPORTS' BRA WEARING WHILE SHOPPING IN THE SUMMERTIME.

I don't miss your stuck up homemakers with their heads stuck far up their assholes to all whom do not dress in high fashion clothing and $150 workout leotards; looking all " put together." the scenery , I will miss, but when everybody's acting busy all the time, and you can't depend on many in both CT and westchester county , NY to be a really close friend- what good is the scenery .

I wonder what lies ahead in both california and oregon ? what the people there will be like ? or will I end up staying in colorado maybe ? not sure . all I know is that I could have never been happy living in connecticut or downstate new york around a world full of busy all the time with life, career, family, etc, people ! I hate cities, to be honest, because no matter how weird the people there may be , as in portland or san francisco-all city and suburban people are the same. they are nearly all about their jobs and their little cultural shit lives- and you just can not be yourself around those kinds of people! they are fake! diet and excersise freaks , and all plastic.

2009-07-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

southbury's asshole fucking police department, home of the fucking bigot nazi asshole sgt ken kramer for over 7 years
shaws supermarket of southbury, CT, pleac where those two cunthole bitch managers, DEB , AND HER FUCKING CATH-O-HOLIC TWAT FRIEND JUDY ; TOLD ME " YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE WITHOUT A SHIRT AGAIN. WELL YOU MOTHER FUCKING CONSERVATIVE SOUTHBURY BITCHES - THAT MEANS ALL Y'ALL MOMMY BREEDING MACHINES HERE IN THIS ROSE COVERED SHITHOLE TOWN WHOM OVERPOPULATE THE FUCKING SCHOOLS WITH YOUR BREEDLINGS , ERR CHILDREN- IF Y'ALL DON'T LIKE ME WEARING MY FUCKING SPORTS' BRA IN PUBLIC, THEN FUCK ALL Y'ALL YUPPIE BREEDER CUNTHOLES! AND TO YOU , DEB , SMILE AND REMEMBER www.shaws.com comments and complaints, cause honey, I WILL BURN A LOT MORE ASSES FROM ONE END OF THIS VAST SHITHOLE COUNTRY TO THE NEXT ! FUCK YOU AND YOUR CONTEMPORARY COMMUNITY STANDARDS OF SO CALLED " DECENCY"
SPEAK OF SOUTHBURY CONNECTICUT AND ALL ITS ASSHOLE RESIDENTS WHOM CAN EAT SHIT AND DIE IN A FUCKING TORNADO FOR ALL I CARE ; HER IS A LITTLE FRESH MILK FROM MY TITTIES FOR ALL Y'ALL MOTHER FUCKERS!
EDMOND TOWN HALL MOVIE THEATRE, NEWTOWN, CONNECTICUT - YET ANOTHER TOWN IN SORRY ASS , PEOPLE WISE ANYWAY, FUCKHOLE CONNECTICUT FULL OF PHONY YUPPIE BREEDERS .
THE DOORWAY TO HERITAGE VILLAGE REAL ESTATE , HOME OF BIGOTRY AT ITS FINEST . WHEN YOU COME IN , BE SURE TO SAY HELLO TO THAT ENEMY OF OUR FAMILY , A CERTAIN UGLY WINO SHANK OF A RECEPTIONIST WHOSE NAME I WILL NOT MENTION. THE SAME SKANK WHOM POUNDED THE FINAL NAIL INTO MY DEAD BROTHER'S COFFIN ! BE SURE TO TELL YOUR MANAGER THAT I WILL HAVE HER LICENSE REVOKED FOR SAYING TO MY MOM , " I WILL NOT LIST THAT UNIT AS LONG AS [ SOMEBODY ] IS STILL LIVING IN IT! " FUCK YOU AND THAT BIGOT CATH-O-HOLIC AGENT WORKING FOR Y'ALL WHOM SAID " YOU MEAN THE GUY WHO THINKS HE'S A WOMAN" TO HIM, I CAN ONLY WITH THE BEST , AS IN THE WORDS " I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE OF PROSTATE CANCER! YOU MOTHER FUCKING OLD JERKOFF BASTARD . GO SHOVE YOUR OLD WRINKLED COCK UP YOU GOD DAMN , BASTARD SON OF A FUCKING PROSTITUTE YOU CALL JESUS CHRIST'S , LONG DEAD AND DISINTEGRATED ASSHOLE!

ANYWAY , as y'all can see , once again that fucking skank hole gold digger bitch whom leached off my late brother, Joe Oropal like a mosquito sucks blood in florida ; is reading this fucking diary again to see what she can dig the fuck up . For nearly ten fucking years, all that fucking pices of shit did was aggravate my brother constantly. that, and she lied to him about how she was sterile because she knew she'd then have him trapped into an endless cycle of paying child support; part of which was used to pay her fucking high rents so that little miss
" princess" trashley would not have to go to school in waterbury " with those niggers and spics".

no, because of my brother, the blood which fed that mosquito receptionist whom never wanted to do anything but work at heritage village real estate [ as long as Joe Oropal was paying 66% of her bills ! ] ; little stuck up princess shitley had it easy and was able to live in wonderful, preppy-christian woodbury, CT and go to Nonnewaug and be the so called " good little honor student" [ meanwhile she was fucking the redneck boys from the vocational agriculture program in the backs of their pickup trucks ! little did her wino skank mommy know ! ] . and when Joe could not sell cars after he finally broke up with that bitter wino divorcee; skank made damn sure to call my mother down in Florida every fucking week on the dot; always saying , " did you hear from Joe yet? HE DIDN'T SEND THE CHECK . SHITLEY NEEDS BRACES AND A NDEW DRESS FOR HER BALLET RECITAL! WHEN IS JOE GONNA SEND THE CHECK? DO YOU KNOW? "

just to get that fucking bitch off his back , my mom would send her the god damn money so that little princess shitley could live like the queen pig in shit! $13,000 FUCKING DOLLARS WORTH OF CHECKS, IN FACT ! AND WHAT DID SHE GET IN RETURN? YOU GUESSED IT! A BITTER GOSSIP WORSE THEN I WHOM MUST HAVE TOLD HER ASSHOLE PIG BOSS , FRANNIE FUCKROD ; ALL ABOUT HOW WE DISOWNED HER, AND HER BASTARD CHILD; FROM THE FAMILY.

AND SO , THAT BITCH BOSS OF HERS SAID TO MY MOTHER, BACK TWO YEARS AGO WHEN MOM HAD CONSIDERED LISTING THE CONDO WITH HER REAL ESTATE, " I WILL NOT SHOW YOUR CONDO UNLESS [ SOMEBODY'S ] NOT LIVING IN IT! " I GUESS YOU MEANT MY QUEER ASS? FRANNIE FUCKROD ? WELL......UMMM... THAT IS LIKE, UMMMMM..... SO LIKE , INTERESTING YOU KNOW; AS I LIKE READ IN THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS [ tm] SITE THAT WHAT YOU HAD TOLD MY MOTHER ACTUALLY CONSTITUTES WHAT IS BETTER KNOWN AS D-I-S-C-R-I-M-I-N-A-T-I-O-N !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS BOARD WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THIS???? WHATTA YA THINK, SWEETIE?????

and of course my mom made a fucking mistake to even bother calling the southbury police , whose motto should really be " to serve our own kind " in southbury , connecticut . to my brother's coffin nail , all I can say is I SINCERELY HOPE THAT YOU GET SO FUCKING DRUNK ONE NIGHT THAT YOU DRIVE OFF THE ROAD AND DIE IN A FUCKING AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT !

AS FOR THAT USELESS LITTLE " SPERM BUBBLE " OF A DAUGHTER , WHOM I'KLL SIMPLY CALL " PRINCESS SHIT" ; WELL I HOPE THAT YOU EITHER , 1. FALL OFF THE BACK OF YOUR BOYFRIEND'S MOTORCYCLE . OR 2. GET FUCKING DATE RAPED AND KILLED SOMEPLACE DOWN IN NEW HAVEN BY SOME BIG , SHAVED HEAD, LATIN KING MOTHER FUCKER! " PRINCESS PRISSY PUSS" YOU DESERVE NO BETTER AND NICER THING TO HAPPEN TO YOU . MY LATE BROTHER, JOE, SHOULD HAVE FORCED YOUR MOTHER TO ABORT YOU IN THE THIRD TRIMESTER 22 YEARS AGO!

AS FOR THE REST OF THIS ROSE COVERED SHITHOLE TOWN CALLED SOUTHBURY ? WELL I CAN ONLY PRAY TO THE ALMIGHTY TRUE LORD CALLED " SATAN" IN CHRISTIAN MYTHOLOGY THAT A HUGE F-5 TORNADO BLOWS RIGHT ON THHROUGH THE MIDDLE OF TOWN AND KILLS ALL Y'ALL'S ASSES FLAT OUT DEA IN YOUR FUCKING HOMES !

EVEN THOUGH I LIKE A SELECT FEW OF YOU, MOST OF YOU ARE LIKE SHIT IN AN OVERFLOWING SEPTIC TANK WHEN IT COMES TO BEING USEFUL FOR ANYTHING MORE THAN TAKING MY MOTHER FUCKING MONEY AS STORE CLERKS! AS FOR FRIENDSHIPS, Y'ALL ARE MOSTLY NOTHING MORE THEN BUSY WITH YOUR OWN LIVES PIECES OF SHIT ! FUCKING USELESS TO ME EXCEPT FOR YOUR USUAL , 30 SECOND " THANK YOU VERY MUCH . HAVE A NICE DAY " , PRE-PROGRAMMED RITUAL .

I WILL NOT MISS ANY OF YOU , COME TO THINK ABOUT IT . AND TO ALL THOSE STUCK UP HUSBAND WHORES SHOPPING AT BOTH SHAWS AND STOP AND SHOP , WLAK IN YOUR HIGH HEELS AND PLEASE FIND THE AISLE WITH THE SPILLED OLIVE OIL IN IT ; THEN PLEASE SLIP, FALL AND BUST YOUR YUPPIE HEADS WIDE OPEN FOR ALL I CARE . WILL YOUR BLOOD COME OUT " GREEN" AS IN THE COLOR OF RIGHT YUPPIE STUCK UP BITCHES' MONEY? NOT SURE , BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS GO AND ASK THE FUCKING BIGOTS AT THE RED CROSS FOR A BLOOD TRANSFUSION AS YOU SLOWLY ALL DIE!

I HATE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF Y'ALL'S GO DAMN GUTS ! SO GO AND TAKE YOUR STERILIZED LITTLE BREEDLINGS AND THEN, DANCE MERRILY AROUND THE FUCKING GOD DAMN FLAGPOLE WITH ALL THE TOWN'S MINISTERS ON MEMORIAL DAY - SALUTING THOSE STUPID MOTHER FUCKERS YOU CALL
" HEROES" WHO ALL DIED FOR THIS WORTHLESS BAG OF SHIT COUNTRY CALLED AMERICA!

ON JULY 23RD OF 2009 , AS I LEAVE THIS FUCKING ROSE COVERED SHITHOLE TOWN ,A PLACE IN WHICH THE SCENERY IS NICE BUT THE PEOPLE ARE MOSTLY WORTHLESS PILES OF DRIED OUT BARNYARD SHIT- I WILL BE SURE TO RAISE MY MIDDLE FINGER HIGH TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF Y'ALL AS I LEAVE THIS MOTHER FUCKING PILE OF SHIT TOWN .

THAT GOES FOR THE FUCKING DEMOCRATS LIKE THAT USELESS LUMP OF SHIT FORMER FIRST SELECTMAN WE HAD NAMED MARK COOPER , THE FORMER NAZI SARGEANT KRAMER WHOM WAS ABOUT THE BIGGEST HOMOPHOBIC BIGOT THIS TOWN COULD EVER HAVE FOR A " TOP COP" , AND YES, YOU CAROL HUBERT - WHOM I STILL REMEMBER WELL AS TREATING ME LIKE THE GOD DAMN " TRANSGENDER AUNT JEMIMA " [ THE " NIGGER" IN OTHER WORDS] THE LAST TIME I EVER BOTHERED TO VOLUNTEER FOR THE SOUTHBURY DEMOCRATS ; THIS BACK IN 2006 WHEN WE HAD A DEMOCRAT RUNNING AGAINST THAT FUCKING REPUBLICAN BITCH NAMED GOVERNOR M. JODI RELL- A GOVERNOR SO USELESS SHE IS AFRAID TO SIMPLY RAISE THE INCOME TAX 0.5% ON ALL HER RICH BITCHES WHOM HELPED ELECT HER! . DON'T LET THOSE FUCKING PEAL EARRINGS GIVE YOU AN EAR INFECTION BY THE WAY- YOU USELESS PILE OF SHIT!

AND OH YES, TO MS. HOLMES , THE BITCH MOTHER OF THE FUCKING RETARD LIVING OFF GEORGES' HILL ROAD, I WILL RIDE MY MOTHER FUCKING BICYCLE WHEREVER I WANT TO IF I FEEL LIKE IT , AS LONG AS THE ROAD IS NOT PRIVATE WHICH HIGH MEADOW ROAD IS DEFINITELY NOT! IF YOUR BASTARD TART SON RYAN HAS A PROBLEM WITH THAT AND THINKS I AM SOME KIND OF " FRANNIE KRUGER " MONSTER LIKE THE ONE IN HIS FAVORITE MOVIE , " SAW 2 " ; THEN KEEP HIM ON A LONG LEASH LIKE THEY DO WITH THEM PIT BULL DOGGIES !

NOW I WONDER IF EVERY FUCKING TOIWN WILL EVENTUALLY SUCK AS MUCH AS SOUTHBURY AND NEWTOWN DID AFTER A WHILE ? YREKA , CALIFORNIA ! I'M IN THE BULL RIDING ARENA SEEKING COW DKYE PUSSY TO EAT OUT !

AS FOR SOUTHBURY FUCKING SHIT-NECTICUT ? FUCK YOU AND MAY THE LORD OF LIES YOU CALL JESUS BLESS YOU WITH A NICE BIG F-5 TORNADO ; MOTHER NATURE'S VERY OWN VERSION OF THE " BIG BAD WOLF" WHO WILL HUFF, AND PUFF, AND BLOW YOUR FUCKING HOUSES IN!

2009-07-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

2009-07-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

living room at 434-C heritage village , southbury CT 06488-5612 . has potential doesn't it ? notice the awesome brick fireplace, which works though mom and I never used it .
oh yes, well all gotta piss sometime , Dorothy . even those of us from KANSAS ! hall bathroom , one of two in this condo, an Ethan allen Model with two BR's , 2 baths, one has shower only, the other, a full tub/shower combo. still , the old fashioned 1960's early 70's style toilet , a true " water waster " for sure! the water fills the entire bowl pretty much , so I guess it is hard for a girl not to make that " tinkle" , or " piddle" sound when she " goes to the ladies room"; ummmm....pees !
the deck overlooking the courtyard and lake court in heritage village, and " active adult community" meaning those 55 and older , ONLY , can buy or rent in here .
rear deck above to right , saem one y'all saw in the above photo . below is my neighbors' condo , Kitty and Vince - both in their 80's now. you could NOT ask for better neighbors, come to think of it, they've gotten used to my transsexual transition better then all the rest of them; including Ralph - a real two faced,behind your back talking at times, ASSHOLE and New England Connecticut native SNOB SOMETIMES! they came from New Cannan , CT - a rich , stuck the fuck up town in lower fairfield county, connecticut . a place better known for none other then former resident , Dave Letterman [ now living in North Salem, New York; located in also extremely wealthy and much more " rural" , upper Westchester County, NY ] as well as , I believe; where " Mr . Blandings built his dream house" in that very same 1950's, really funny telvision movie!
434-C heritage village- front view , located on Lake court in heritage village , southbury, Connecticut .

needless to say , the place was SOLD !!!! SOLD FINALLY , AFTER FUCKING NEARLY 2-1/2 YEARS OF DEALING WITH REALTORS IN THIS EXTREMELY BAD REAL ESTATE MARKET ! but for a lot less then mom wanted to let it go for. well , at least we did not go into foreclosure like my sometimes shithead Republican, but when it comes to some things-QUITE SMART, sister, linda , wanted it to do!

I told mom " she's fucking crazy ! " and finally, mom agreed. so she then placed an ad in Voices [ www.voices.com ] Newspaper- that useless pile of shit, bloody cunt rag of a local newspaper which sucks except for telling you how " great the good kids are doing in school, college, sports' , music , their features of area artists [ like fucking Trudy M. G. Martin from my former Mattituck Unitarian-Universalist Society- church ] and their STUCK THE FUCK UP ARTSY- FARTSY BULLSHIT AT CAROLE PECK'S RESTAURANT FOR THE SOCIALLY UPTIGHT AND UNEASY !
[ TRANSLATE : SOPHISTICATED WITH MONEY AND GREAT JOBS IN LIFE ! AHHH-FUCKIN-HEMM ! ]

this ad was suposed to run for two weeks, we listed the place at $69,900- the same price which we were told by two different realtors including gary smith , A REALTOR I WILL RECOMMEND TO ANYONE WHOM HAS TO BE THE NICEST, MOST UNOBJECTIVE , NEVER DISCRIMINATORY; REALTOR WITH A TRUE HEART ! [ UNLIKE A CERTAIN OTHER LOCAL REALTOR AND MANAGER AT ' HERITAGE VILLAGE REAL ESTATE ' WHOM SELLS HERITAGE VILLAGE ! THE REST OF HER CREW AS WELL! ]

PERSONALLY , I LOVED GARY ! I WANTED HIM TO LIST AND SHOW MOM'S PLACE , BUT IT WAS NOT MY DECISION BUT RATHER THAT OF MY OFTEN ONE SIDED SISTER , LINDA- THE NAMED EXECUTOR OF MOM'S ESTATE WHOM WAS RUDE TO HIM AND WOULD NOT EVEN GIVE HIM 30 SECONDS OF HER TIME OVER THE PHONE!

but now mom said that this was because she did not wish to have to pay out a commission . okay ????? my sister? well she, like the fucking bitch she can sometimes be, went along blaming ME LIVING HERE ALL THIS TIME for why the place did not sell! not the fucking bad market in which we were never gonna make a profit on this place, sadly ; but ME! ME! ME!

AND HOW DID THIS SHIT ALL START ? I SOON DISCOVERED THAT MOM AND I'S HUNCH WAS 100% CORRECT - A certain ex-girlfriend of my late brother, Joe Oropal , had her hands in the shit stew , so to speak ! her and that fucking SPERM GLOB OF SHIT that her mother feels is the " little PRINCESS" , " LITTLE MISS PERFECT" [ GAG ME ! ] Honor Roll student ; and yes, HER FUCKING PILE OF SHIT , DRUNKEN WINO SKANK HO' , BAR FLY MOTHER ,******* !

the same bitch, whom has been working for 36 fucking years at that same, BIGOTED PILE OF DOGSHIT REAL ESTATE OFFICE - heritage village real estate! that fucking pile of useless shit receptionist , GOLD DIGGING WHORE WHO HAD THE FUCKING , GOD DAMN NERVE TO LIE TO MY NOW DEAD OF CANCER BROTHER ABOUT HOW " SHE COULD NOT CONCEIVE CHILDREN. " THAT TIRED LOOKING, GREY HAIRED WITH HALF OF IT FALLING OUT [ FROM THE WINE? MAYBE ?] OLD SKANK WHORE, WHOM WALKS AROUND WITH HER FUCKING JEANS WAY TOO TIGHT- AS IF SHE'S SHOWING OFF THE " GOODS" TO EVERYBODY IN ORDER TO MAKE HER FUCKING BOYFRIEND JEALOUS . SHE DID THIS SHIT TO MY BROTHER, TOO ; BELIEVE ME; IN THE NEARLY TEN YEARS, AND WORSE, SHE HAD THE GOD DAMN , MOTHER FUCKIN' NERVE TO FIRST NAME THAT GOD DAMN LITTLE BASTARD " SPERM BUBBLE" NAMED ******* , AFTER MY BROTHER, AS IN ****** .

THEN, FOR HER TO GO ALL OVER SOUTHBURY AND WOODBURY, CRAPNECTICUT AND FUCKING TELL EVERYBODY THAT JOE AND SHE WERE MARRIED ? ALL SO FATHER FUCKHEAD , THE FORMER PRIEST AT WOODBURY'S SAINT THERESA'S ROMAN CATHOLIC " BRAINWASHING FACTORY IN THE NAME OF THE BASTARD , SO CALLED " LORD JESUS CHRIST"; AS WELL AS ALL OF HER FUCKING TOWNIE, BLUE COLLAR , MOSTLY DIVORCED BECAUSE THEY ARE MORE THEN LIKELY JUST AS " WONDERFUL" AS ******* , OR IS THAT SKANK'S CUNTY BITCH FRIENDS . ALL OF WHOM ARE WELL KNOWN TO FREQUENT THE NOW " UPSCALE" AND WAY OVERPRICED , REDNECKY WATERING HOLE FORMERLY KNOWN AS
' THATCHERS ' , BUT RECENTLY RENAMED ' MAGGIE MC FLY'S UNIQUE EATERY [ MORE LIKE MAGGIE MC FIREMAN'S FLY'S UNIQUE SOUTHBURY REDNECK DRINKERY - THE FRIDAY NIGHT HOME TO ANDREA AND ALL OF HER WORKING CLASS SCUMBAG PALS ! A PLACE, PERHAPS FREQUENTED BY ALL THE REDNCK DICKHEAD FIREMEN IN THIS FUCKED UP PILE OF SHIT TOWN!

MY BROTHER SHOULD HAVE BEEN SMART IN THE BIGINNING AND NEVER LISTENED TO THAT SCUMBAG BITCH , *******! AN EXTREMELY EVIL WOMAN WHOM FIRST " BAITED" THE HOOK FOR MY BROTHER AFTER HIS BITTER DIVORCE FROM HIS SECOND MARRIAGE WHEN SHE MET HIM AT SOME SOUTHBURY " UPSCALE" RESTAURANT & BAR ; AND THEN , FUCKING LIED TO HIM AND MORE THEN LIKELY , IN ALL HER WINE- SOAKED, GUIDO- CATHOLIC GUILT FROM HER BITTER CHILDHOOD IN BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS WITH HER ADOPTED MOTHER ; TRICKED HIM INTO USING THE CATHOLIC-APPROVED " RYTHYM METHOD" - ONE WHICH ANYBODY EXPECIALLY A FEMINIST KNOWS DOES NOT OFTEN WORK VERY WELL!

THAT, OR KNOWING THAT SCUMBAG ********- SHE MAY HAVE POKED A HOLE INTO THE CONDOM BEFORE HANDING IT TO JOE ; ALL SO SHE COULD HAVE HER LITTLE, " BLESSED" WINO'S CHILD - THE "HONOR STUDENT" ******* - WHOM, BY THE WAY , SMASHED UP AT LEAST TWO CARS BEFORE SHE WAS EVEN 21 YEARS OLD ; BOTHT IMES LETTING HER BOYFRIEND'S DRIVE THEM AND THEN; WRECK THEM! TOO BAD SHE DID NOT DIE ! WOULD HAVE SAVED MY BROTHER A LOT OF MONEY AND PROBABLY HIS WHOLE FUCKING LIFE , FROM WHICH HE WORKED LIKE A DOG JUST TO SUPPORT ALL HIS CHILDREN , BUT MOSTLY THIS LITTLE PIECE OF FUCKING WORTHLESS SHIT NAMED ******* [ NOT, NOR EVER- ONER OF MY FUCKING FAMILY !!!!!! ]

and so, the story goes. AM I MAD? OH YES! AND WHY ? WELL THIS MORNING I WAS UP AT 10 AM AROUND , WHEN I HEAR THAT SNEAKY SKUNK ASSED TWO FACED NEIGHBOR OF MINE, MR. RALPH SMITH, TALKING TO SOMEBODY OUTSIDE MY OPEN WINDOW . THAT SOMEBODY BEING A MAN WHOM RECENTLY LISTED AND QUICKLY SOLD FOR THEM, MY RECENTLY DEAD NEIGHBOR CARMELLA AMBROSINO'S , CARRIAGE HOUSE CONDO HERE IN HERITAGE VILLAGE . THE ONE Y'ALL WILL SEE IF YOU LOOKED TO THE RIGHT AS YOU EXIT THE DECK IN ABOVE PHOTO.

HAVING SPOKEN WITH A MEMBER OF HER FAMILY, I WAS TOLD THAT THEY WERE ABOUT TO LIST THE UNIT WITH HERITAGE VILLAGE REAL ESTATE, THAT THEY EXPECTED TO GET BETWEEN $95,000 AND $110,000 [ BUT I HEARD FROM SAME HALF ASSED CREEP NEIGHBOR, RALPH SMITH, THEY DID NOT GET ANYTHING LIKE THAT] .

WELL HERE I AM , WALKING OVER TO OPEN MY BEDROOM'S WINDOW, THE MORNING QUICKLY GETTING WARMER AT AROUND 10:30 AM . WHAT DID I HEAR ? WELL..... SOME FUCKING MAN OUTSIDE TALKING WITH GOOD OLD , DOUBLE-FACED MR. SMITH STANDING UP ON HIS DECK . FIRST, IT WAS THE USUAL ABOUT HOW " WONDERFUL AND WARM CARMELLA WAS "
[ HORSESHIT! SHE WAS A PHONY PILE OF CATHOLIC CHURCH-GOING SHIT! A GINNIE EYE-TALIAN BITCH FROM FUCKING FLUSHING, QUEENS, NEW
YORK ! BUT NOT NEARLY AS PHONE AS MR. SMITH IS! ]

WELL, THE TOPIC TURNED TO RALPH SMITH'S TURN TO SPEAK, IN HIS USUAL , TWO FACED MANNER. " WE'RE GONNA HAVE TWO NEW PEOPLE MOVING IN NOW, I GUESS. ONE NEXT DOOR AND THE OTHER ONE UP THERE ABOVE! " THIS AS HE , I AM SURE; POINTED TO OUR UNIT.

NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT FUCKER WORKING FOR HERITAGE VILLAGE REAL ESTATE , RUN BY THE VERY SAME WOMAN WHOM LITERALLY TOLD MY MOTHER TWO YEARS AGO WHEN SHE CONSIDERED HAVING HER LIST OUR CONDO SOMETHING LIKE " I WILL NOT LIST YOUR UNIT UNLESS [ SOMEBODY ] LIVING THERE MOVES OUT FIRST. "

DISCRIMINATION?? AGAINST AN LGBT PERSON , AKA " QUEER" ? YOU DECIDE! I THINK SO FOR SURE ! [ AND HER ASS IS FIXIN' TO BURN FOR IT VERY SOON- BUSINESS WISE AS SHE GOES BEFORE THE BOARD OF
REALTORS, MAYBE???? ]

WELL , RIGHT THEN, MR DICKWRENCH , WHOM LATER , I WILL EXPLAIN REFUSED TO GIVE ME HIS NAME , THE OLD FUCKING CATH-O-HOLIC GOAT; HAD THE FUCKING NERVE TO LITERALLY , AND QUITE LOUDLY SAY " OH YOU MEAN THE GUY WHOM THINKS HE'S A WOMAN NOW???? OH YEAH, I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT ! "

TO WHICH DIRTY BIRD OLD SMITH REPLIES SOMETHING LIKE " YUP THAT'S THE ONE ALL RIGHT ! " WELL , I THEN WALKED OVER TO THE WINDOW AS THIS FUCKING JACKASS KEPT MOUTHING OFF ABOUT ME, A TRANSEXUAL WOMAN BY THE WAY , AND LOUDLY SAID " EXCUSE ME???? EXCUSE ME ??? I HEARD EVERY WORD YOU SAID MISTER!" ; only to hear that other son of a bitch , ralph smith , say something like " i think [ she] heard you. "

QUICKLY , I THREW BACK ON MY NIGHTSHIRT, GRABBING MY WALLET FROM MY LEATHER PURSE ON THE BED , THEN WALKED OUTSIDE AND SAID TO RALPH SMITH; " WHERE DID THAT GUY GO ? AS I HEARD EVERY WORD HE SAID! " [ SMITH] " WE'LL I DON'T KNOW REALLY? I THINK HE'S GONE BY NOW" I LOOKED TOWARD THE PARKING LOT AND THERE HE WAS, ABOUT TO GET INTO HIS CAR. HE HAD WHITE-GREY HAIR AND GLASSES AND I KNEW THAT I SAW HIM BEFORE YEARS AGO WHEN MY WACHOVIA BANK WAS LOCATED THERE WHERE NAUGATUCK VALLEY SAVINGS AND LOAN NOW IS AT - NEXT DOOR TO HERITAGE VILLAGE REAL ESTATE WHERE THAT BITCH, ******* WORKS AT !

NEEDLESS TO SAY , OVER QUICKLY I WALKED AND LOUDLY SAID " EXCUSE ME MISTER BUT FOR YOUR INFORMATION , SIR! I AM A LEGALLY A WOMAN ! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU ? I WILL HAVE YOUR REAL ESTATE LICENSE , MISTER FOR WHAT YOU JUST SAID AND THAT BIGOT MANAGER, ***** ******* , OF YOURS AND HOW SHE TOLD MY MOTHER " I WILL NOT LIST YOUR UNIT UNLESS SOMEBODY'S NOT LIVING THERE ANYMORE. "

MY DRIVER'S LICENSE IN HAND , I SAID TO THIS PRICK-BITER , OBVIOUSLY OLD CATHOLIC BASTARD ; " HERE YOU WANNA LOOK AT MY LICENSE ? SEE THE F FOR FEMALE??? FOR YOUR INFORMATION I AM A WOMAN , A TRANSSEXUAL WOMAN AND I USE THE LADIES ROOMS AT KMART !" HE THEN SAID TO ME " FUCK YOU YOU SON OF A BITCH ! " AND THEN, LITERALLY; TRIED TO GRAB MY FUCKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ME AND TOSS IT OVER ON THE LAWN . I GOT IT BACK AND AS HE WAS GETTING IN HIS TAN , CHEVY, I THINK? CAR - HE HOLLERED SOMETHING LIKE ' WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS IS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE NICE TO PEOPLE . ALL THOSE BAD WORDS YOU SAID ABOUT [SKANK] WHO WORKS IN MY OFFICE AND HER DAUGHTER WHO'S AN HONOR ROLL STUDENT! YOU SHOULD BE ASAHMED OF YOURSELF! "

I THEN LET HIM HAVE IT, SAYING , " FOR YOUR INFORMATION, SHE DESERVES IT FOR WHAT SHE DID TO MY BROTHER, MY MOM SHELLED OUT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO GET HER OFF MY BROTHERS BACK. MY BROTHER DIED OF CANCER AND SHE PLAYED A BIG PART IN HIS DEATH WITH HER GOLD DIGGING WAYS , JUST SO THAT LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT NAMED ****** , AND NOT ONE OF OUR FAMILY EITHER BECAUSE JOE AND GOLD DIGGER NEVER WERE MARRIED; COULD HAVE HER EDUCATION! IF I WERE YOU I'D SHUT YOUR BIGOTED MOUTH - YOU AND THAT REAL ESTATE AGENCY. I WILL GET YOUR REALTOR'S LICENSE REVOKED , YOUR UNPROFESSIONAL , BIGOTED BASTARD. YOU AND YOUR [FUCKING MANAGER] FOR WHAT SHE SAID TO MY MOTHER! "

AND SO, AS THE JERK GOT IN HIS CAR , HIS LAST WORDS TO ME WERE " I'LL PRAY FOR YOU " ; TO WHICH MY RESPONSE WAS THIS . " YOU CAN GOT AND FUCK YOUR GOD DAMN JESUS CHRIST UP THE ASS FOR ALL I CARE! YOU HYPOCRITE, AND BIGOT! "

he then left and I walked back , both Ralph Smith and that other bitch, Blazena
[ Bra -shenna ] stransky, a nosy ass bitch and perfect PHONY HERSELF , made their little snippy comments.

needless to say , I called my mom, whom first caled that real estate office, and then, the southbury police; as what he said about me could very well be construed as SEXUAL HARRASSMENT! the cop came over and well, I did not wish to press charges, but okayed for him to go and talk to this creep. the officer, a newer police officer here in town and not one of the old crew of whom many were biased toward these townies; he told me that what that man said was , indeed a violation of my sexuality . AS IN SEXUAL HARRASSMENT !

WELL , ANYWAY , I HAVE NOT BEEN IN HERE TILL TODAY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN PACKING AND GETTING READY FOR THE LONG, TRIP ACROSS THIS USA ; UPON WHICH I HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE ALL BACK ROUTES ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND NEVER GET ONTO EVEN ONE MILE OF INTERSTATE HIGHWAY/FREEWAY/EXPRESSWAY/PARKWAY - UNTIL I REACH EITHER SANTA YNEZ [ THE LATE MICHAEL JACKSON'S RANCH HOMETOWN] AND GAVIOTA; OR GOING THE OTHER TRACK - PISMO BEACH, CALIFORNIA !

this trip will be taking me through 13 states , in this order . CT,NY,NJ,PA,OH,IN,IL,MO,KS,CO,NM,AZ,and finally CALIFORNIA ! I will be going through Joe Paterno's State College, PA , along with John Cougar Mellencamp's Seymour Indiana, Gretchen Wilson's Pocahontas, Illinois [ country music outlaw with a vagina, singer, in her song " Pocahontas Proud" on the CD- Here for the Party].

I will then cross the missisippi river at golden eagle IL on the golden eagle ferry { $7.00 one way] into missouri , then go up toward Hannibal, MO, mark twain's boyhood hometown. from there, it'll be straight on over 200 miles , across MO to Melissa Etheridge's hometown of Leavenworth, Kansas; then across Kansas- perhaps one of the most conservative bible belt states in the united state's of america; through Salina [ where my late brother, Joe's first wife, Donna, was from . the one he had met and married back in 1964 while in the US air force and stationed in wichita, KS ] ; then onto Hayes, trego Center , Cedar bluff state park , Russell , and finally weskan, KS , up to mount sunflower [ kansas' highest point ]

and then over through cheyenne wells, CO, toward littleton , colorado - the unlikely home of my favorite example of bullying in high school gone too far - DYLAN KLIEBOLD . the guy whom, with eric harris, went on that rampage back in april of 1999 and then, shot 12 students [ all jocks, honor students, and preppie-christians! so called popular students whom , perhaps , deserved what they got in some ways. ] and one teacher.

from there it will be on toward the rocky mountains and Pike's Peak - at elevation of 14,410 feet above sea level the second highest mountain in the continental USA next to mount whitney in CA at 14,446 ft. I think . I think I'll take the cog railway up to the top , saving both wear and tear on the car and well.....the chance of getting far too dizzy from the higher elevations along the top of that auto road- a toll road by the way like mount washington in new hampshire . then it will be across the great rockies and the continental divide as I head into buene vista CO and over toward almont on a county road going up through the highest of mountains and the rocky mountain national forest ! it shall be awesome, I just hope the car can handle it- but after having everything checked, I know that the coolant is good, brakes were about halfway worn- which is great with 15,000 to 20,000 miles left n them approximately.

from there , it will be down toward silverton CO and then durango, CO ; all the way down into new mexico near farmington, NM . then over into the high desert of AZ , kayenta, the grand canyon's south rim and grand canyon natl. park ; down and over through willaha, supei, along the indian service roads , state/federal highways but dirt roads , I believe. then, into peach springs, AZ and over toward boulder city and the HOOVER DAM. into las vegas on the strip and then, eventually going into CALIFORNIA and the death valley .

from there, it will be over and up into the sierra nevada mountains and the sequoias and sequoia national park's south boundary[ perhaps into it as well for some camping ! if I can get in this time of the year? maybe should make reservations ahead by cell phone! ] . then down into the vast and quite dry central valley just above bakersfield and again, over the coastal ranges and then ; it will be all downhill toward the mighty pacific Ocean ; coming out either through santa ynez into gaviota, CA; or just above , or below, there into either santa barbara or possibly pismo beach. I then will follow the california state route 1 all the fucking way north toward carmel and the 17 mile drive[ which you must pay for $9.50 toll but can have that deducted if you spend over $25 at any restaurant - Roy's, a hawaiian steakhouse , is highly recommended and one can dress casual{ but perhaps not just in sports' bra tops !!! LOL } ]

I will next perhaps stop off at san francisco to see steve , this dude I knew from Irvington new york and the white plains borders on friday nights with marshall, hank, jim, bob, and all the others including julie . this back , of course, in the old , " former life's days " if you know what I mean- though steve knows I am a transsexual woman now! as does hank and I'm sure , bob as well whom keeps up with hank/ henry .
then, form there , it will be off to northern california, following the same state road 1 all the way toward eureka with side trips into inland mendocino county , humboldt county; at which pint i will cross over into weaverville, CA - that very same town with only 4,000 people in it that I wanted to see as " It" back in sept. of 1996 when arriving in overdeveloped and apartmentalized redding , california on that grey-dog bus [ greyhound] . I will probably ventrure on up toward yreka as well as into southern oregon and probably see my neice , jamie .

that is if she is okay still with me and DOES NOT SIDE WITH THAT FUCKING GOLD DIGGER WHORE ******* !!!!! ???????? THE BITCH WHOM POUNDED THE FINAL NAIL INTO HER FATHER'S, AND MY BROTHER'S , COFFIN !!!!

as for now, I am still undecided as to where I will move to , I'll have to fucking look around and see where , and what , I like better . far northern isolated northern california? or southern, maybe central INLAND Oregon ???? like I have been telling everybody whom asks as if I was Ms . fucking yuppie bitch with her pockect pen planner in her hand ; I have no [ fucking] clue ! someplace in between chico california to the south , and eugene, oregon to the north. between mendocino and humboldt counties inland at least 20 miles where summers get hotter ; and possibly over toward bend oregon area, cascadia , OR - ANY FUCKING PLACE WHERE I CEN GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THESE YUPPIE " PROFESSIONAL " MONEY MAKING DOUCHBAGS I HATE HERE ON THE EAST FUCKING COAST IN SHIT-NECTICUT AND FUCKING WESTCHESTER COUNTY , NEW YORK !

I DON'T NEED THE FUCKING OVERPRICED ARTS , " CULTURAL " BULLSHIT OF THE GOD DAMN FUCKING CITIES WITH ALL THE YUPPIE, " WELL-ATTIRED" , SHIT DOES NOT SMELL, PRISSY- ASS SNOTBAGS IN THEIR HIGH FUCKIN' HEELS! BISTROS, WITH THEIR SORRY ASS, OVERPRICED AND UNDER-PORTIONED " HEALTH FOOD", CALORIE COUNTER'S BULLSHIT , I DON'T NEED! ALONG WITH ALL THE FUCKING, STUPID " SPRIITUAL SEEKING " PLASTIC
" ENLIGHTENED" EX-HIPPIES LISTENING TO THEIR GOD DAMN FUCKING DAVE MATTHEWS BAND " MUSIC FOR THE FUCKING PEOPLE , POSITIVE AND UPLIFTING " HORSESHIT !

GET ME OUT IN THE FUCKING COUNTRY , WHERE BEEF IS WHAT'S FOR DINNER ! YET WHERE I WILL STILL HAVE MY LGBT RIGHTS ! THAT IS WHERE I WANT TO LIVE ! A TRAILER IN THE MOUNTAINS OR VALLEY , ON A DIRT ROAD SEVEN MILES LONG ! AS FAR AWAY FROM FUCKING SHALLOW ASSED , GO-GETTER, AMBITION-DRIVEN " PROFESSIONALS" AS I POSSSIBLY COULD LIVE!

WHEN I GET TO THAT PLACE , I WILL KNOW IT ! AND THAT IS WHERE I WANT TO BE RIGHT ABOUT NOW . I DON'T NEED MALLS, MOVIE THEATERS, RIGHT CLOSE BY . I DON'T NEED NEIGHBORS POLLUTING MY BREATHING SPACE IN SOME FUCKING APARTMENT COMPLEX! I LIKE PEOPLE BETTER WHEN I DON'T HAVE TO LIVE IN REALLY CLOSE PROXIMITY TO THEM ! THE FEWER THE BETTER! AS MANY OF THEM BECOME TOTALLY USELESS TO ME AFTER A FEW MONTHS OR A YEAR !

THINKING BACK , I LIKED WHERE I WAS ON ELK CREEK ROAD IN MEREDITH , NEW YORK UPSTATE , 15 MILES TO WAL MART OF ONEONTA [ 16 MILES DOWNTOWN AND SUNY STATE COLLEGE ONEONTA ] . THE NEAREST SHOPPING SUPERMARKET BEING IN THE VILLAGE OF DELHI, NY - 12.8 MILES AWAY . THE ONLY THING THAT WAS BAD WAS THE WINTERS ! ALL THAT SNOW, AND YES, THOSE ASSHOLE NEW YORK DRIVERS WHOM MOVED FROM NEW YORK CITY AND LONG ISLAND UP THAT WAY !

AND SO, TRINITY COUNTY, CA , SISKIYOU CO, INLAND HUMBOLDT OR MENDOCINO[ WHERE THEY GROW THE POT ! ] ; PERHAPS JOSEPHINE CO, BEND CO, LAND CO, DOUGLAS COUNTY, OREGON . WHEREVER THAT TWO LAND ROAD , IN THE WORDS OF FORMER SOUTHERNER AND COMEDIAN, JEFF FOXWORTHY , SAYS " IF TELLING OUT OF TOWN GUESTS THE DIRECTIONS TO YOUR NEW HOME INCLUDE TURN LEFT OFF THE PAVED ROAD! { THEN YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK !} "

YES SWEETIE! THAT IS THE PLACE WHERE I WANT TO BE AGAIN!

and so, july 23, 2009 , I will again return to where I started out back in september of 1996 , as that fucking miserable " M" thing I lived as for far too long . as long as I can still drive to the city or wherever I have to to get my hormones every 3-6 months , I will be happy being the cunt'ry lesbian bitch!

as for now? I am looking foward to driveing the back routes across america , and yes, seeing how those conservative " bible thumpers" really react to me . I NOW KNOW ENOUGH TO STEP BACK AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE WHEN HOSTILITY IS ALL AROUND ! MAYBE IT IS REALLY NOT AS BAD AS ALL THESE
" EAST FUCKING COAST EDUCATED INTELLECTUALS " , FROM WHOM I CAN'T EXPECT TO GET FROZEN SHIT IN THAT UPSTATE NEW YORK COW PASTURE IN WINTER FROM; SAY THAT IT IS IN KANSAS???

WILLING TO FIND OUT SOON !

2009-06-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

the Harlem river where it meets the east river, new york NY . views from the metro north railroad bridge as the southeast train entered manhattan island - county, and city, of course; of new york, new york.
and old new haven line diesel locomotive which we passed along the way in westchester county NY .
some of the still , very " rural" looking reservoirs in northern Westchester County , near Purdys, New York . just below brewster NY village in the town of north salem, NY .
croton reservoir near north salem [ golden's bridge village ] new york, northern westchester co. about 45 miles north of the city - manhattan NY.
ALL ABOARD !!!!!! I STILL REMEMBER THAT CONDUCTOR SAYING THIS AT EVERY STOP AS A CHILD RIDING WITH MY LATE DAD, ALBERT OROPAL ; AS WE BOARDED THE LONG ISLAND RAILROAD AT BALDWIN , L.I. , NY AND RODE THE 40 MINUTES TRIP INTO MANHATTAN'S PENN STATION AT 34TH ST AND 7TH AVE. ANYWAY, THIS IS ABORD THE METRO NORTH SOUTHEAST COMMUTER TRAIN HEADING SOUTHBOUND INTO MANHATTAN'S GRADN CENTRAL STATION ON THE AFTERNOON OF JUNE 3, 2009 . LAST TRIP, PERHAPS, ABORD THE METRO NORTH INTO NEW YORK CITY FOR A LONG TIME!
OH YES ! THE FUCKING MAJOR MADNESS OF NEW YORK CITY AT RUSH HOUR IN GRAND CENTRAL STATION AT ABOUT 6:35 PM ON A WEEKDAY . NORTHING LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE IN THE WHOLE GOD DAMN WORLD! A CITY THAT MANY IN THE REST OF AMERICA FEEL IS INHABITED BY SOME OF THE RUDEST ASSHOLES, I MEAN HUMAN BEINGS ; IN ALL THE 50 STATES OF AMERICA! EVER WONDER WHY ? MANY HERE HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT CIVILITY ACTUALLY IS , IN MANY WAYS, THOUGH, THEY ARE MORE CIVIL THAN IF YOU PLACED EVERYBODY FROM SAY, KANSAS CITY ; IN THE MIDST OF THIS CRAZY FUCKING OVERCROWDED PLACE! FOREGROUND: THE FAMOUS CLOCK TOWER ON TOP OF THE METERO NORTH RAILROAD INFORMATION AND TICKET BOOTH.
HAPPY RETIREMENT! SARGEANT KEN KRAMER OF THE CONNECTICUT STATE POLICE! SOUTHBURY'S TOP RESIDENT STATE TROOPER WILL, LIKE CHERYL LYN NE OROPAL , LEAVING THE SO CALLED " GOOD PEOPLE " OF SOUTHBURY, CONNECTICUT VERY SOON . JUNE 30, 2009 IS HIS LAST DAY OF " LOYAL SERVICE" , EXCUSE ME- I MEAN C-O-R-R-U-P-T-I-O-N !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ENJOY YOUR RETIREMENT SGT, NAZI ASSHOLE!

AND BY THE WAY, WHEN YOU ARE OUT RIDING THAT BIG BAD ASS HARLEY DAVIDSON MOTORBIKE , SCUMBAG MOTHER FUCKER ; WHEN IT BEGINS TO RAIN ON A HOT SUMMER'S DAY - PLEASE WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FRESH BANANNA PEELS THAT PEOPLE SOMETIMES TOSS OUT THEIR CARS ONTO INTERSTATE FREEWAY I-84, FUCKING DICKHEAD MOTHER FUCKER! I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOUR TIRES HIT THAT WET BANANNA PEEL, POSSIBLY CAUSING YOUR BIG BAD HARLEY FAT BOY TO " ACCIDENTLY" SLIP AND FALL ; THUS TOSSING YOU ONTO THAT HARD FREEWAY'S PAVEMENT !

OR WOULD I ??????? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!
" CUNT DE LA CUNT " AKA: CHERYL LYNNE OROPAL , THE CHERYLSASS!
VIEWS FROM THE TOP OF STEEP ROCK , WASHINGTON CONNECTICUT. CONNECTICUT HAS SOME OF THE FINEST SCENERY THAT I WILL DEFINITELY MISS WHEN I HEAD WEST. THEN AGAIN, I NEVR SAW COLORADO AND THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS YET .
SHEPAUG RIVER FLOWING THROUGH THE SHEPAUG VALLEY IN WASHINGTON CONNECTICUT .

SO I GUESS I THERE WILL BE THINGS I WILL DEFIN ITELY MISS ABOUT BOTH CONNECTICUT AND THE NEW YORK METRO AREA. I will definitely miss the green scenery , the trees and all the hills , for sure. the winding back highways of both CT and lower " upstate" new york , roads like SR 301 from carmel , NY west toward cold spring village [ phillipstown NY ] and the hudson river.

and I will miss riding those commuter trains into new york city , as well as haning out and chillin' down in greenwich village , walking broadway at 4 AM alone, going to bars like stonewall and the henrietta hudson lezzie bar & girl when I could afford it. I will definitely miss my endocrinogist down at the callen lorde center in manhattan NY at 356 west 18th street near 9th ave. I'll miss riding those fun subways everytime I go down to the city , the drive from white plains NY to southbury along the back routes and town roads.

I will miss MOM most of all , whom has given me a free ride in life for much longer then I deserved, causing me to never learn to rither grow up , or commit suicide eventually! maybe overdose on crack cocaine and get shot by the many bad people I used to associate with as " It" Oropal .

I will miss the niceness of southbury connecticut , the scenery and the many forests , places like the paradise hill preserve, where I first hiked on a snowy new years eve as ' It ' ; back in 2003 and discovered the place!

I WILL MISS PISSING OFF THE FUCKING YUPPIE HOUSEWIVES IN TOWN BY WEARING MY SPORTS' BRAS IN SUMMER TO THE SUPERMARKET - ESPECIALLY DEB AND THAT CUNT , SHERRI - BOTH ASSISTANT MNANAGERS OF SHAWS SOUTHBURY- DEB BEING THE ONE WHOM TOLD ME " MY MANAGER SAID YOU CAN'T COME IN THE STORE WITHOUT A SHIRT ON ANYMORE! " THE WOMAN WHOM I RATTED OUT TO WWW.SHAWS.COM THAT VERY SAME NIGHT AND GOT HER IN TROUBLE FOR TRANSGENDER DISCRIMINATION !

I will miss the edmond town hall movie theatre in newtown CT at 45 main street , and yes, that fucking FLAGPOLE SITUATED RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT MAIN STREET , AT ROUTE 25 AND US ROUTE 6 . what other town has one of those right in the middle of town ? [ answer- I believe tiny Dorris, California , a truly SMALL TOWN located close to Yreka, CA in Siskiyou County California - about 800 people! it is close to the Oregon border in northernmost california's Siskiyou Mountains where mount shasta , elevation 14,164 feet above sea level, is also located .

PEOPLE ????? well there is warren , my best guy friend of all whom lives at his senior parents' house in the makeshift room above the garage without any bathroom. I will miss james k. buchanan , originally of woodbridge connecticut whom now lives in wallingford - writer and self publisher of two books , the lonely hill and , one I am now reading called the WOOLRIDGE TALE [ " woolridge" being actually Woodbridge, connecticut.

acquaintences I will miss .

1. thea , the girl whom works with her family , the Gogas family whom owns the Jordan's Pizza and restaurant business , both Jordan's of southbury and San Remo restaurant of woodbury [ where the original Jordan's Pizza can be still found at its finest! as " It " , I used to feel this chick was about the biggest stuck up, material girl bitch around ! But, as I began to transition , started wearing skirts and dresses, and legally became CHERYL- she warmed up and became very nice toward me everytime I came in . I LEARNED SHE WAS NOT SO STUCK UP AND RATHER A VERY COOL CHICK WITH A VERY REBELLIOUS SIDE TO HER!

2. cathy at stop and shop of southbury - whom , now front end manager , is always very nice toward me and treats me like any woman shopper would expect to be treated!

3. alice and the girls at CVS drugs pharmacy - all whom have eventually come around and accepted me as one of the girls here in town.

4. Cathy Sexton- Dale- former owner of In Fashion , a small boutique which was located at the corner of main street south and poverty road in southbury's bennett square shopping center behind Leo's restaurant . she gave me much business advice and encouraged me to someday start a small business like she had, plus my now " dormant" online store , Lezebelle's boutique at www.lezebellesboutique.com/

5. carmella - at corrigan's motors garage , the former sunoco station - always nice to me.

6. janet- the librarian at southbury library's front desk- whom was, at first, really nice to me- then became a fucking bitch when she saw me dare to wear my sports bras and bike short into the fucking library . FUCK YOU , JANET AND THE REST OF YOU " PROPER SOUTHBURY BITCHES" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Cathy Gogas , co-owner of the Jordan's family restaurant business , whom treated me everytime I came in, like any other woman customer ; much like Thea does.

8. Rocky - the pizza cook at southbury's Jordan's rest . whom got over his transphobia and was nice to me every time I came in for a pizza!

9. Nikki - the 20 year old, bisexual, hispanic puerto rican girl whom worked, for the longest time, at southbury's stop and shop. [ she tended to be nicer when she was dating women ! and one of her uncles , she told me once, is part owner or manager of Danbury's Triangles - one of the only two gay bars in western
connecticut north of lower failfield county's westport - the cedar brook cafe .

10. Lisa nacinovich- srogi , a woman whom knew me as the former self in newtown high school; one whom I recently hooked up with again on facebook and in classmates.com ; whom invited me, many others; to her informal " family " high school reunion after 29 years [ and me coming as somebody else=CHERYL ! ] she now lives in terryville .

11. harvey hubbell the 5th - guy I knew from newtown who m is now a well known film maker and just produced the rough draft of his new film about dyslexia - Dislecksia the movie [ all about his struggle in school growing up with dyslexia, a learning disability often confused for what I have had ADHD; this in newtown during the early to mid 1970's .] he now resides in Litchfield CT

12. Sarah W Young- a writer and ventrilloquist from garrison new york I knew , both before and more so, after transition ; from many readings at both the Hudson Valley Writers Center in sleepy hollow NY ; and the studio two in peekskill , NY . [ best girlfriend ]

13. shishi maisa - fort montgomery, NY - an awesome poet whom actually invented his own language called " song" ; which he uses and interprets into English in all his writings of poetry ! BRILLIANT DUDE, INDEED!

and so, I have been packing and shall do more tomorrow. sat night I first went up to dillion stadium in hartford CT [ a ghetto shit fucking hole city if there was
any! ] to see the Connectucut Crushers WOMAN'S TACKLE FOOTBALL TEAM PLAY . THIS FOR THE SECOND TIME DURING WHICH, YES, AGAIN THEY LOST WITH 31-6 ! I WENT WITH WARREN THE WEEK BEFORE THE FIRST TIME , THIS AFTER CONNECTICUT PRIDE 2009 ON JUNE 7th.

I later met warren after driving back on the back routes of route US 44 into simsbury CT at the mc donalds' ; talking on my cell phone's bluetooth as I drove along hartford's worst neighborhood's main street called ALBANY AVE. -ONE OF THE BADDEST BLACK NEIGHBORHOODS IN ALL OF CONNECTICUT NORTH OF NEW HAVEN!

he later showed me his cramped living quarters above that garage in avon CT , we talked for a couple hours. I then left as that nasty rainstorm continued all night long; driving the still fairly rural state roads through burlington, harwinton, torrington's southernmost end; into thomaston and then picked up US 6 into watertown, woodbury, and finally southbury CT .

I thought about how many years I lived here before moving to florida , how I knew each and everyone of these roads , how , for the most part; it has kind of stayed pretty much the same in many ways! the state is still mostly wodded and still has that " rural" lifestyle, at least as far as the homes being far apart from one another and the towns being still relatively small without too many shopping centers ; or any in many of them like harwinton and burlington! the roads are mostly still only two lanes , with wooden guardrails still along the sides and those little , white reflectors attached to them .

FUCKING CONNECTICUT ! THE MORE IT HAS CHANGED- THE MORE IT NEVER REALLY DID ACTUALLY CHANGE - EXCEPTION BEING HOW THE DRIVERS' HAVE NOW BECOME A BUNCH OF ALWAYS IN A HURRY ASSHOLES LIKE DOWNSTATE NEW YORK, AND YES, MASSACHUSETTS " MASS-HOLE" DRIVER'S EVEN MORE SO TEND TO BE!

I have traveled nearly every fucking state road in this state , from new london, voluntown, sterling and thompson along still rural route 149; to north porchuck road and john street in greenwich, long lots and compo roads in westport. I have hiked many trails here in connecticut, ridden many back roads back when they had very few houses in places like chester and hadlyme ! I have camped in the devil's hopyard state park's campground with just the outhouse toilets and no showers! I have been to those same waterfalls along eight mile brook in haddam , millington green nearby- all has become so frantically busy with more and more people always in a hurry.

CONNECTICUT, WHILE STILL A VERY PRETTY SMALL STATE; HAS SURELY LOST ITS FORMER CHARM ! THE " SMALL TOWNS" ARE REALLY NOT SMALL ANYMORE ! THEY HAVE BEEN TAKEN OVER BY YUPPIES BUILDING HUGE $400,000 TO OVER ONE MILLION DOLLARS HOMES ON 1-5 ACRE LOTS ; ALL OF WHOM STRUGGLE TO MAINTAIN " BALANCE" IN THEIR BUSY, CORPORATE WORKING LIVES!

sure, this state , well as downstate new york , has all its arts and theater offeri ngs, but what good are those if you are NOT one of the " chosen many " living here whom can afford to go to , say ; a play at the hartford bushnell , new haven's long wharf theatre ; or even the Goodspeed Opera House ; an historical dinner-theatre situated in an old Country Inn set right along the banks of the Connecticut River in Haddam CT ; about 30 miles southeast of hartford, the constitution state's capitol city just across that famous drawbridge leading from portland CT west on route 66 .

plays at those places range in ticket prices from about $45-80 each!!!! WHO THE FUCK CAN AFFORD TO ENJOY CONNECTICUT'S CULTURAL OFFERINGS UNLESS THEY ARE A FUCKIN G GOD DAMN " PROFESSIONAL" PERSON ?????? NOT THE BUCHER, BAKER , OR CANDLESTICK MAKER! THAT IS FOR SURE!

EVEN THE PLUMBER - WHOM COULD STILL, WHEN HE FINDS THE TIME OFF; TAKE THE FAMILY CAMPING AT ONE OF CONNECTCUT'S MANY STATE PARK CAMPGROUNDS OUT EAST NEAR THE FOXWOODS AND MOHEGAN SUN
" INDIAN" GAMBLING CASINOS!

but the real truth is this. connecticut has to be one of the fucking hardest place to live if you are not a family person , or at least wealthy and single! [ this includes lesbians and gays as well ! ] it is a place where one must volunteer for this, that , and about 50 other things in the community! belong to this and that professional organization or theatre group or troupe!

if you do not fit into the " work hard to get ahead in life , further your education with this and that degree; than DO NOT EXPECT TO MAKE ANY FRIENDS HERE IN CONNECTICUT. THAT IS, UNLESS YOU GREW UP IN ONE OF THIS STATE'S MANY BLUE COLLAR TOWNS LIKE NAUGATUCK, WATERBURY, OR EAST HARTFORD, ARE STILL CATHOLIC AND CLOSE TO YOUR FAMILY , ETC.

PUT SIMPLY, EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO MAKING FRIENDS IN THE GAY, LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, OR TRANSGENDER COMMUNITIES HERE IN
CONNECTICUT, YOU HAVE TO FALL INTO ONE OF THE ABOVE CATEGORIES , OR YOU WILL BE A LONER!

WHAT THE FUCK GOOD IS " EQUAL MARRIAGE " IF YOU WILL NEVER HAVE THE CHANCE TO FIND A SUITABLE PARTNER IN LIFE ? WHEN EVEN MANY OF THE FUCKING LESBIANS ARE A BUNCH OF STUCK THE FUCK UP , CORPORATE PROFESSIONAL , OR COLLEGIATE STUDYING TO BECOME ONE OF THOSE PROFESSIONALS ; BITCHES?????

GET MY POINT? even the woman whom was so big with Love Makes a Family
[ www.lovesmakesafamilyct.org ] , anne stanback ; toward me has often acted like a " cunty" , professional , family-oriented bitch. as much as I really respect her and all that she has done so far to win us LGBT marriage and all . as much as I also respect Jerimarie lisegang , a sister transsexual woman like myself ; for allo that she has done for connecticut's transgender citizens with her CT transadvocacy coalition , I will have to say that she, too; acted fucking really CUNTY , toward me after a while .

GET MY POINT ????? WHAT GOOD IS EQUAL MARRIAGE RIGHTS WHEN YOU WILL NEVER , EVER, EVEN GET THE CHANCE TO MEET ANYBODY COMPATIBLE , WHEN EVEN EVERY FUCKING DYKE ON MATCH.CO M HERE IN CONNECTICUT, AND WESTCHESTER COUNTY NEW YORK FOR THE MOST PART; IS A FUCKING " CUNTY" PROFESSIONAL, FORMALLY EDUCATED , SO CALLED " LIBERAL" WOMAN !

WHAT GOOD IS EQUAL MARRIAGE RIGHTS IN A STATE WHERE YOU, BECAUSE OF YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD SUCCESS AND REFUSAL TO ACT IN THAT " DALE CARNEGIE" APPROVED MANNER OF BEHAVIOR ; WILL NEVER HOOK UP WITH ANYONE EVER??????

WHAT GOOD IS EQUAL MARRIAGE RIGHTS IF YOU ARE 1. L-G-B-T , and yes
2. ARE NOT ONE OF THE CHOSEN MANY IN LIFE , WITH THAT GREAT CAREER and GREAT POSITIVE, HINT : PHONY - CAN DO, " LIFE IS GOOD!" ATTITUDE????

IF YOU ARE NOT " ONE OF THEM" , THEN YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO MEET ANYBODY SUITABLE FOR A LIFE PARTNERSHIP !

AND SO, WHAT GOOD IS LGBT MARRIAGE IN A PLACE WHERE I WILL NEVER BE ONE TO ENJOY WHAT THOSE CHOSEN " PROFESSIONALLY EMPLOYED" , ARTSY FARTSY , CULTURALLY, SOCIALLY, AND FUNCTIONALLY LITERATE; COUPLES GET TO ENJOY ?????

WHAT GOOD, FOR THOSE LIKE ME WHOM NEVER MADE IT IN LIFE , IS LGBT EQUAL MARRIAGE ???????

I OFTEN WONDER IF THINGS ARE FIXING TO BE ANY DIFFERENT WHEREVER I GO ???? OR WILL THE SAME BE TRUE OF EVERYWHERE????? WE WILL SEE, I GUESS.

2009-05-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

the condo where I still live at, but soon will be venturing off from into a brave , new world of trying to survive , in inland central/south Oregon. along Lake court in heritage village.
center photo = me standing at the hudson valley writer's center where we have the open mike nights every third friday of each month ; unless a really bad snowstorm cancels it in winter. thinking back, while central Oregon has a winter with snow and all , in the lower elevations, it is nowhere near as fucked up confusing and bad as it is here in new york state, PA, northern new jersey and new england. yes, they get down to the 10-20 degree mark as well , sometimes ; depending upon your local elevation . and this year, they'va had several nasty snow and ice storms out that way as far south and down in elevation as redding CA - 600 ft above sea level. but winters do NOT last as long as they do here in the northeast .

in the front of me is the late anne marie marra , of putnam valley , new york ; a great poet we often called " the poetry whore" [ her own title ! ] whom used to read both at the hudson valley[ sleepy hollow NY ] every third friday night from 8-10/11:30 PM ; well as studio two in peekskill NY on the first friday night of the month. she died recently back in april of a heart attack, I believe . I though she was simply awesome and recently last month at the hudson valley writers open mike, we had a memorial service for her led by her now semi- famous writer brother, reggie marra of naugatuck CT . they both were originally from yonkers, NY , and so, how I knew them.

anne marie read at those two poetry reading series I have gone to and still do, and, occasionally; that fucking " ENLIGHTENED AND EDUCATED LIBERAL, KUNT & COFFEE KLATCH " BETTER KNOWN AS THE BETHEL , WEDNESDAY NIGHT POETRY SERIES; HELD EVERY FUCKING WEDS. NIGHT AT BETHEL, CONNECTICUT'S MOLTEN JAVA COFFEE HOUSE. A PLACE SERVING UP MANY OVERPRICED AND OVERRATED FAVORITES SUCH AS CAPPUCINO` TO ALL THE YUPPIE TWATBAGS AND FUCKING WESTERN CONNECTICUT STATE UNIVERSITY " VICTIM FEMINISTS" ; AS WELL AS THEIR COCK JOB , SHAVED HEAD WITH PIERCINGS, BOYFRIENDS!

as you can tell, I have " much love" for all the people I have gotten to know here in fucking connecticut after returning from firts briefly living way up in central new york state , in meredith; a farming community of about 1, 300 people between delhi, NY [ 3,781] and oneonta [ about 20,000 ] , NY . anyway , anna marie, I will miss, as same goes for my friends, sarah young [ garrison, NY ] and
shishi maisa [ fort montgomery, NY] . both from mthe hudson valley and peekskill readings.

here in connecticut, I will miss my best friend of all, warren busha, as well as james buchanan [ aka: ' jenette' ] whom is also a writer. but I will be leaving with much bitterness , this from all the fucking people here in both westchester county , NY and especially CONNECTICUT AS A WHOLE; many of whom , I feel , both before and after, made me feel " wrong " for just being myself .

then again, maybe it is ME after all whom gets annoyed with how people expect one to act, dress, talk, etc. I am not into refined people, nor city dweller types such as most hip hop lovers, and sometimes I wonder if I will just , very simply; feel alientaed wherever I live ????? maybe I want to be alienated ? as here in southbury and woodbury, I never wanted to become a part of anything here in town; even though I've met some really nice people in some of the groups I have attended but once or twice.

anyway, speak of james , the writer whom works at fucking wal mart now , unfortunately after getting laid off from the cafeteria services company at bristol meyers in wallingford, CT some two months ago . I will be going over to the wallingford public library tonight at 6:30 PM to listen to some woman speaker talk about how to get your novel published . it should be awesome interesting for sure. I will probably wear my new sundress I got at Kmart last week.

in other news, the california supreme court ruled monday that proposition 8 is totally valid and will stand ; something that sucks for the many LGBT people in california . those whom did marry during that brief time from march till november's election day ballot question in 2008 ; will be able to stay married , I hear . now fucking oregon has the same law worded differently as " measure 36" or "measure 38" , I think .

in other words, the fucking asshole " christian" fundamentalists , along with many catholics whom are complete shitheads and listen to that god dammed Nazi German Pope fucker , benedict II ; got all alarmed and figured this would be the end of their " sacred" fucking heterosexual marriage as we know it. which is total major fucking bullshit , as so many of those marriges don't even last nearly as long as how long tammy lynn smith ? I think; has been partnered with her spouse, the well-known MELISSA ETHERIDGE. FORMERLY OF LEAVENWORTH, KANSAS- YES, KANSAS! YOU GOD DAMN SACKS OF CHRISTO-FASCIST SHIT WHOM ONLY THINK YOU KNOW THE HISTORIAL JESUS !

anyway, speak of catholics and oregon, I just sincerely hope that my neice, jamie , is NOT among the many catholics whom can count themrselves to be some of the most IGNORANT SONS OF BITCHES THAT AMERICA CAN CALL " WHOLESOME" AND "MORAL" CITIZENS!!!! she married this guy , rick, whose whole family is catholic , whom insisted upon them both having this big, formal to the
nine west's ; huge family wedding at some rich people's resort in southern oregon.

speak of " poetry whores" this here is the " Poetry Kunt " , better known as Cheryl Lynne Oropal . yes, this was me at that hudson valley writer's open mike back in jan 2009 , a very cold night where the temps. outside were about 4 below zero when I finally left after midnight with maureen hatch ; the woman whom I was slowly becoming friends with but that died off after she got all " cunty" over something I said about her in fucking facebook's stupid " kiss and tell game" called 8-BALL. when it asked the general question if I ever had a crush on maureen , I said I did , sort of, because I found her to be nicer than so many of the so called " feminist" corporate bitches westchester county, new york is well known for .

well , at anne marie's memorial , I tried to apologize and she got all bitchy and stated , " this is not the time! " afterwards, I could hear her whisper stuff to james joseph buchs , another one of the poets I have known whom works his day job and is married for like , ummm, 40 long years . I knew she was saying that he
should " get rid of me" and how did I feel ? like this !

FUCK YOU , MAUREEN HATCH ! I DO NOT KNOW YOUR PAST HISTORY , IF YOU MAY HAVE BEEN RAPED, DATE RAPED, OR ASSAULTED BY A PACK OF URBAN GOONS DOWN IN FUCKING YONKERS, NEW YORK WHERE YOU LIVE . BUT I DO KNOW THIS, BITCH ! YOU GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM AND ACT LIKE I AM A THREAT TO YOU FOR SOME REASON; PERHAPS BECAUSE OF WHO I WAS IN THE PAST AND WHAT I USED TO READ! I DID NOT MEAN TO GET YOU ALL ALARMED , BUT YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE , A " PROFESSIONAL, EDUCATED TWAT! GO GET YOURSELF LAID , FOR GODDESS' FUCKING SAKE ! BE IT A WOMAN OR A MAN , DO IT . LIGHTEN UP BITCH !

and so, speak of dating and relationships , last week, I went on my first lebsian date as a transwoman lesbian! her name was Holly , an older by 11 years , Jewish woman from brewster , new york whom answered my match.com ad ; I guess failing to really read the part where I mentioned " expanding my search to 3,000 miles , as I'm fixing to move to either northern CA or southern OR by late summer.

anyway, so she and I had talked on the phone for nearly two hours last tuesday afternoon when I had called and finally got her. I then took her up on her offer to meet at danbury, CT's Borders Books cafe , right there on federal road , the old route US 7 just off the new, US 7 freeway still uncompleted past south of brookfield's four corners at routes 25 and original, two lanes but being sloooooo-ly widened, US 7.

we seemed to get along, least as far as being compatible , she a butchy-femme artist chick type whom, like me ; never really grew up and because part of the establishment . she also was a semi-retired professor whom worked at both the university of miami in florida 13 years ; well as in orlando , FL at seminole community college . she does art depicting the homeless in their plight for survival , which is kewl . she and her partner have been together living , for 25 years plus , but she did say it is an " open relationship " in which they are basically just best friends but no longer romantic.

all in all, she was the happy to be a new yorker and could NOT understand why I would want to live in some isolated place full of rednecks like some small town in either southern/central oregon or northern california's siskiyou county . she knew siskiyou county and mentioned that she knew somebody's brother whom was a fugitive from the law for some drug killing , whom was living there on like, a 40 acre ranch; small by siskiyou county standards.

she suggested that I stay here and instead, move to the city and try and get section 8 housing assistance; as from what she could guess about me, my problem was living here in relatively conformist and conservative connecticut for so long in some place like southbury. but I had to be honest and admit that much as I like new york city , or any city, to visit; I really can not stand to live in some shithole fucking efficency apartment around a bunch of neighbors whom are hard to even become friendly with .

that said, maybe I am still more redneck in spirit than I will ever be " educated , urban liberal ." I actually enjoy isolating and doing things by myself , and while having a partner to do things with would be just what I've been looking for in my life ; I COULD NEVER BE HAPPY BEING ME AROUND OTHER PEOPLE WHOM ARE BETTER [ FORMALLY] EDUCATED THAN ME . LIVING IN SOME FUCKING CITY OR SUBURB WHERE PEOPLE ARE ALL ABOUT EITHER FASHION SENSE , CAREER , OR THEIR FUCKING GOD DAMN CLOSE FAMILY AND FRIENDS AS MANY ARE HERE IN CONNECTICUT AND WESTCHESTER COUNTY, NEW YORK !

so, in a way , I did not want to get involved , but hey, it was fun nto actually go on a fucking DATE - A " GIRL DATE" NEVERTHELESS! but I feel in my heart like I want to do this, I want to return to the west and find someplace where, even if I am not accepted by the locals , I will have fewer of them to deal with in my life! and , like I seem to have done here in southbury, at least with the women clerks at stop and shop and CVS ; to at least have a few acquaintences whom may, or may not, become friends .

I will be honest and say that , expect for a few of them, I have never become close friends with anybody I have met at the hudson valley writers open mikes, nor the peekskill . in bethel, the memory of my former self , all the angry poetry I have read back then as " It" ; still is fresh in the minds of many there . I honestly never did, not have after transition, found Mar , Victoria, or any of the fucking women there to be anything more then a close clique. but, as my best friend warren says all the time; THAT IS CONNECTICUT FOR YOU!

so okay , I have been packing all weekend except for auto race sunday , which was cancelled due to heavy rain in the charlotte NC area ; then rescheduled on 12 noon on monday . speak of not fitting in here in southbury , I went to our annual memorial day parade but got there late . as I was coming, they all were filing out in the traditonal , western connecticut fashion of " I'm too busy with my fucking family to try and be halfway polite to those I think less of " [ queers! ] . I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN MORE RUDE STARES FROM PEOPLE AS I DID THAT DAY , ESPECIALLY FROM THE WELL " PUT TOGETHER" WOMEN WHOM FREAKED WHEN THEY SAW ME WEARING THAT SPORTS' BRA . BUT I LIKED IT , IT WAS LIKE , UMMMM, YOU KNOW , " FUCK Y'ALL ! I AM HERE TO , WELL , RAIN DOWN ON YOUR STUPID PARADE . "

AND SO, FUNNY HOW BEFORE I EVER TRANSITIONED , THE LAST PLACE YOU'D EVER SEE ME WAS AT SOME FUCKING TOWN PARADE ; THE EXCEPTION BEING THE 2004 LABOR DAY PARADE IN NEWTOWN CONNECTICUT NEARBY. THAT TIME I WAS WEARING MY TEE SHIRT WHICH READ " FUCK GEORGE W. BUSH" IN BIG LETTERS! [ STILL HAVE IT IN MY DRAWER , BUT, AS A WOMAN , PROBABLY WOULD NOT WEAR IT IN PUBLIC.] AND LO AND BEHOLD, SOME DICK FUCKING HEAD FATHER WHOM WAS ONE OF THE PARADE MARSHALLS CAME OVER TO ME AND SAID " THAT SHIRT IS NOT APPROPRIATE TO WEAR TO A LABOR DAY PARADE! MY DAUGHTER DOES NOT NEED TO SEE THAT LANGUAGE AND IN FACT , IT MAY JUST BE ILLEGAL . WOULD YOU LIKE TO SPEAK TO AN OFFICER ? " I THINK I SAID " NO THANKS" AND THEN , HAULED MY ASS OFF WALKING REALLY FAST TO BEHIND THE FORMER MC CULLOCH REALTORS BUILDING !

BY THE WAY, ISN'T IN FUNNY HOW MEN SEEM TO NEED TO SPEAK UP FOR WOMEN ? LIKE THEY'D ALL REALLY KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR A WOMAN OR WHAT IS NOT? SEEING PEOPLE LIKE HIM, MANY OTHERS INCLUDING ALL THE HETEROSEXUAL " BREEDERS" HERE IN SOUTHBURY AT THAT FUCKING PARADE, I AM SO GLAD THAT I NEVER MADE THE MISTAKE OF BECOMING A FUCKING ASSHOLE PARENT !

and so , well soon, it will be out of here and off to the unknown . last night I completed my google maps route from southbury, CT to california ; adding another two links.

THE FIRST from southbury to newtown , to bethel, to ridgefield , Ct for a total of 27.2 miles ; a back roads route that I have taken countless times from white plains NY to southbury many nights; as well as going the other way in the afternoons for the usual friday night at borders books; also veering off and heading through mount kisco , NY , down to pleasantville and eventually to the hudson valley writers center nearly every thrird friday night . so I did make some friends, just that many live too far apart to become close with and do things together; and so many more are so BUSY WITH THEIR OWN LIVES OF WORK, FAMILY, FRIENDS, GOING TO THIS AND THAT CULTURAL OFFERING; UNLIKE ME!

THE OTHER which links my route from ridgefield , CT all the way to the hometowns of Punxsutwaney Phil , the famous all american groundhog -punxsutwaney, PA, to John " Cougar " Mellencamp's , seymour Indiana ; to Gretchen Wilson's Pocahontas, Illinois; then across the mighty missisippi river on the batchtown-winfield , illinois to Missouri ferry . that second link goes from winfield MO , all the way into Kansas and the hometown of Melissa Etheridge called leavenworth , kansas .

I will later map the link from there, to salina , KS where my late brother Joe's first wife, donna, grew up. then on to old fort hayes , through places so rural they are barely listed on the road maps like trego center , KS , in mostly flat western kansas ; eventually on into colorado by the highest hill in kansas, mount sunflower .

I expect this drive to be fun, yes, but I am sure that I will, from time to time; run into some hostility from the local " christian redneck greeting committees" along the way ! much like those two bikers named Billy [ peter fonda] , Wyatt, and hillbilly - lawyer George [ jack nicholson ! ] did in that 1969 movie
called EASY RIDER!

my biggest problem is that I still, like Holly even said on our doubtful that even a real friendship will come out of it , informal lesbian date; is that I can NOT yet afford the laser hair removal and still have that tell-tale " shadow " upon my face which needs to be shaved daily to little avail . and that, my friends and haters, will make things fucking really hard as far as using the woman's room is concerned at times. this as well as, if I decide to instead use my new , family sized 3-4 person tent and camp in civilized campgrounds; simply being able to take a fucking shower .

even if I wanted to , which I DO NOT , I could never use that other
restroom/ shower house from my former life as " M " ; not with C-Cup sized BREASTS ! I WOULD BE IN FOR THE BEATING OF MY LIFE ! but, being not exactly close to even 90% passable as a biological woman may be [ exception being butch lesbians! ] , I may have some trouble from the other women whom just may decide to freak out . in that worst case scenario , I better always have that connecticut driver's license with me at all times ; ready to show anyone whom asks me " what are you ? " , that F FOR FEMALE RIGHT THERE IN THE TOP, LEFT CORNER NEXT TO MY PICTURE !

I can't stand wearing that full facial makeup with that ugly, heavy concealer all the time. and when camping, driving, whatever , I sure as fuck will not wear all that heavy ass shit . I wish that I could afford to spend even $200 for one session to get my laser facial hair removal started , but I can not . and so, it will mean that , at times, I will have to deal with much harassment and confusion from other people .

but I have been doing this for three years so far , and think I have the confidence to just be myself , the woman for the most part in the physical sense whom , like any other femme woman; wears traditionally " feminine" clothing like capris , women's lee rider and route 66 [ Kmart ] shorts, my skirts, and maybe a sundress or two! if you want to kill me for that ? well just go ahead mother fucker !

no offense to the gay men whom have to fear many heterosexual males just like I do every day . but, to all Y'all heterosexual, male monkey mother fuckers who may want to kill me like they did matthew shepherd??? please be sure to loosen up that shit-producing, pompous asshole of yours ; as you surely will need that to have sex with many of those big black and hispanic dudes that have been waiting for you're honkie, klansman ass to become their " loving" cell mate!!

seven consecutive life sentences, served under the new , Barack Obama passed matthew shepherd hate crimes law! perhaps the death penalty in some of your
bass ackwards states ?????? I SAY LET HIM SWING FROM THAT TREE
ROPE , YOUR HONOR ! BETTER IF THEY GET A NICE, REALLY
" UNDERSTANDING" AND " SYMPATHETIC" BUTCH LESBIAN WOMAN JUDGE! SHE'LL HANG HIM AND HIS REDNECKY BOYS HIGH AND GIVE THEM ALL "14 CONSECUTIVE LIFE SENTENCES! " ALL TO BE SERVED CONCURRENT,LY, OF COURSE, WITH NO CHANCE FOR PAROLE!

I am being optomistic and will say that I may just run into many whom will be curious and ask me , " are you a man or a woman ??? " ; at which point I will assess the situation and either offer a polite, connecti-cunt and westchester county, new york, professional " rich polite bitch" woman
" excuse me????" ; or I will simply be OUT AND PROUD like ellen de generes and melissa etheridge and say something to the effect of " transsexual lesbian
woman" ; much like I did when dealing with that upstate new york redneck at the 2007 columbia county fair in chatham , new york !

all in all, unlike how I am around here, I will use tact and , like other woman usually do, SIMPLY AVOID HOSTILE MEN ! MEN CAN BE DICKS! THIS A WOMAN KNOWS ALL TOO WELL . MANY WOMAN CAN ALSO BE BITCHES , THIS A WOMAN ALSO KNOWS FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ON.

DIFFERENCE IS THIS, MEN LIKE TO FIGHT WITH THEIR FISTS AND GUNS; WHILE WOMEN GENERALLY FIGHT WITH THEIR MOUTHS; AND SO, KNOWING THAT ; THE BEST THING IS TO NEVER TALK TO UNFRIENDLY STRANGE MEN! LET THEM SIMPLY GO AND SMACK THEIR DICKS AGAINST EACH OTHER IN THEIR SYMBOLIC DISPLAY AND MACHISMO " MANHOOD" ; LET THEM LAUGH AND JUST REALIZE THAT " IGNORANCE IS FUCKING TRULY BLISS."

with that said, I am done ranting for the day . I will try and update this diary from time to time for the next few weeks; in which I hope to be finished packing within one week with all but the kitchen pots and pans I still need to cook in. and of course, this computer, which will be the last thing to get packed ! I moved my last appointment with my endocrinologist up to next weds june 3rd , I hope to get my medical records from my primary physician , southbury's dr. nerzig whom I am coming to feel is about as useless as shit in a full septic tank!

and I will hopefully have the time to finish going over my novel and look to see that all the characters and places are in order. from time to time, I will try and update this diary after I disconnect the computer; possible from one of the libraries in the many small towns that I pass through . the many photos I expect to take will have to wait till I get settled someplace; if I can even get a fucking place with my limited income status ! and now, I have that cell ohone which takes photos , plus the usual cannon A-520 digital camera for which, maybe , I can buy some larger 2 GB sized cards which will hold many more photos .

hey , by the time I get to oregon , I can become a true, photographer maybe . stay tuned for more details about the long and winding road west to california and then; up toward oregon!

2009-05-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

river garden plot at heritage village river gardens
the maple tree - favorite place of the " maple tree gang", a bunch of guys I know from working down in the gardens for the past several summers whom love to drink lots of beer.
river garden , garden # 7 , with a view of the heritage dolce hotel golf course and , across the gholf course; southbury's newest settler's park with its 7 ball fields.
the pomperaug river , running through the middle of the heritage village river gardens . this river, which begins up in nearby woodbury, CT at the confluence of both the nonnewaug and weekeepeemee river coming south from bethlehem, CT's long lake.
the south pond at heritage village , a southbury senior community where I've been living with my elderly mom till she got sick in dec. of 2006 .
again, the pomperaug river flowing through the heritage village river gardens.

2009-05-10T19:33:00.000-07:00

master BR with all the shit piled high on the fucking floor. around may of 2008
" the pissoir " aka, the bathroom I usually use in this condo . actually, the hall bathroom with the usual toilet and sink vanity, plus a stall shower which is wider than many in those shithole " efficiency" apartments. [ seat down ! no guys living here ! * and pissing all over the fucking floor like so many husbands and boyfriends seem to be quite proficient at , thank you. * ]
rear view of the condo , second floor up [ deck without the removable awning]
front view of our condo in heritage village. second floor up to left.
and now , Cheryl !!!!!

yeah , we are now about to progress to the fifth real estate agent in the last 25 months . and my fucking asshole sister, Ms. Linda Hayduk of great neck, long island new york- is being the muff-hole she seems to be quite good at lately in the past 3 months. OF COURSE , WHO'S FAULT IS IT THAT THIS PLACE HAS NOT YET SOLD ????? CHERYL LYNNE OROPAL ! ALL BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING TRANNY BITCH AND THAT " SCARES AWAY" THE BUYERS , ACCORDING TO PUSSY-WILLOW HOLE, DINA DI MARTINO OF NEWTOWN , CT- OUT LAST AND PERHAPS, THE MOST USELESS OF ALL, REALTOR WHOM OPERATES OUT OF NEWTOWN'S RAVEIS!!

THEN AGAIN, ALL " CUNT", WELL-PACKAGED AND PROPERLY ATTIRED IN BUSINESS CLOTHING, OF COURSE, AND LITTLE COMMON SENSE SEEMS TO SELL REAL ESTATE? AT LEAST TO THE MEN !!!! and my often ass fucking hole ex - yuppie queen and Bell Atlantic phone company , corporate " princess" , and ms. di martino seem to both share similar attitudes about everything in life!

and of course, it is my fault that the place has not yet sold, not the fact that it has been a very slow market which has gotten worse in the past two years . no, I am so sick of my mother fucking sister, linda, that it is unreal. I often feel that all she is good for is what she buys for me; as when it comes to emotional support, she is worthless!

but in the fucking Oropal- gebbia family, is this not to be expected ? I think not ! and so,m I just learned that my neice, jamie , from out in oregon, is pregnant . from who else? mom, of course , who feels that she is the most wonderful , warm person that ever existed . not that she is not, she is , as unlike my fucking fucked up and mostly friendless [ often by choice! ] life; my neice is the extraverted introvert .

her fucking world, like my sister and many in both this gebbia-oropal clan ; as well as much of life itself ; revolves around the people in her life . her in laws and relatives on both side of her family as well as everybody she knows at the fucking hospital she works at in the local emergency room in newport, OR . BUT THAT IS HER, NOT ME ! AS YOU'D NEVER CATCH ME DEAD WANTING TO EVER FUCKING WORK WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IN THE HUMAN SERVICES
" INDUSTRY" !

FOR ALL THAT I CARE , MOST PEOPLE CAN BASICALLY EAT SHIT AND FUCKING DIE IN CAR WRECKS, TORNADOES, TERRORIST ATTACKS, AND EARTHQUAKES, AS I FIND ABOUT 95 % OF THEM ABOUT AS EMOTIONALLY USELESS TO ME AS HORSESHIT IN A BARN ALREADY FULL WITH PILES OF HORSESHIT UP TO THE CEILINGS! BUT SHE ENJOYS EXTENDING HERSELF FOR EVERYBODY AND ANYBODY THAT SHE KNOWS .

well, I wish her luck and just hope that she does not become another shallow ass, " soccer mom" raising her brood of " scheduled children " in some sorry ass suburban/small american town like fucking southbury or newtown, connecticut ! or just like most of the women whom I went to newtown high with years ago have all become, a soccer mom divorcee and somebody stuck married to the same dickhead for 20 fucking years!

I never knew that she, jamie, was the type whom wanted kids. to be honest, I thought she was far too smart for that ! but then again, her husband rick's family , while fairly kewl when compared to the busy catholic assholes on the east fucking coast like many in both the oropall and gebbia families; still is very much CATHOLIC . and she fell right into that and apparently loves being the loyal servant and having that traditional lifestyle , the woman playing the role so often " expected" of so many women when they marry a man .

and maybe this should tell me something about oregon in general ? that it is not nearly as progressive as california is with the exception of portland - which of course, while being quite progressive and liberal; is just another yuppie city full of trendy fucking, career and culture- focused people; just like every other city in america seems to be!

not really sure to be honest, but I like jamie and think she is cool , especially for the fact that she happens to be the only relative of mine whom accepts me for being transsexual and calls me by the proper pronouns of she, unlike my fucking asshole sister I am sure. but the truth is this. jamie are about as different as day and night , she being the more responsible, family oriented person in life; while me being the loser , welfare queen for life .

she seems to really love people in general and is very giving ; I , on the other hand, while liking people in the beginning; then to come to discover that most of them seem to fucking suck ass after a while! and that includes the LGBT crowd, as well as nearly everybody else!

and I think this is what really bothers me about trusting anybody in the course of any potential fucking long term relationship! I don't want to have to go far out of my way to do things which I fucking truly hate in life; one of them being to celebrate those sorry ass " holidays " that come around every fucking december ; year after year!

for jamie, she loves buying everybody gifts and cards, doing what is expected of her and many others in the traditional sense of family. for me, just the thought of having to go through all this hassle I see as being worthless and fucking majorly meaningless; seems to make me place those emotional walls higher and higher!

and so, I guess I am still very much opposed to what is expected of the traditional woman in america . or are there other women out there whom feel the very same way as I do?

one thing I do know for sure is that , if I was a parent , I would definitely be the open minded enough parent whom would not just cuss openly around her children/ stepchildren , all the time; but even though I haven't smoked pot in a few years; I still would be the type of parent whom would smoke marijuanna with my teenage children! I'd allow my daughter to have sex at age 13 or 14 , but I would make damn fucking sure that she knew how to have safe sex!

well, all in all, I will say to my neice, Jamie- happily married to the most bitchen' man any woman could fucking marry , that I wish her luck and all the happiness in the fucking world! this seem to be what she wants in life , and that said, all I say to her is AWESOME !!!!!!

I now must wonder to myself if, say I met a really awesome bitchen' lesbian or bisexual woman whom had kids from the fucking dickhead she was married to till she figured out that it was not for her; would I want to play the role of
[ transsexual woman] step-mother???? to be perfectly honest, having never really grown up myself and become what many I knew from high school , like lisa nacinovich - srogi and others I recently came back into contact with; I am not sure if I could even deal with the responsibility associated with being a fucking parent and raising kids in a fucking world which is basically little more then one big fucking LIE!

a world full of schools which favor the faster students whom score good on those standardized tests often called state scholastic assessment tests , or in new york and california, the regents' exams ; teach those whom are slower in life both emotionally and academically ; to simply fucking hate themselves to the point of considering the value of teenage suicide! a world which has literally shit in my face a long time ago and , to this day ; continues to do so!

and so, what else? well I am getting tired of match.com and all the fucking lesbians and bisexual women in there whose ads I have either winked at, or emailed with no results so far ! I am about to change my ad to better reflect my often pessimistic outlook on both people in general and life ; this as in seeing the glass as always half-empty unlike half these seemingly sorry ass fucking, veggie-wrap eating, physically fit, positive attitude PHONIES!

last week, I got this phone call from mom saying that the fucking heritage village master association got word that " somebody is living in her unit whom is not yet of legal age , as in 55 years old or older as pointed out in the condo's bylaws. " and, according to what she was supposedly told , " that somebody has two weeks to move out or else they will evict that said person."

which leads me to wonder which neighbor opened their big fucking mouth this time???? was it carmella ambrosino ? our condo representative whom is about the most bigoted chuch going, guilt-infested catholic asshole in the fucking world that southbury, CT's sacred heart roman cath-o-holic church has ever stuck that pile of shit ass " bread host" supposedly represernting the long dead fucking "christ child" mythological " son of god" creature .

or was it, and this I really believe, millae and george kovic , the new neighbors across the hall better known for always vacumming that unit at 6:30 to 7 AM every fucking week like clockwork ?? especially since I told the old bag off and said to her " I AM A TRANSSEXUAL WOMAN , NOT A " HE" AND " HIM" AND I THINK I DESERVE THE REPECT OF BEING CALLED AS SUCH! CALLING ME SOMETHING I AM NOT ANYMORE IS JUST THE SAME AS CALLING AN AFRICAN AMERICAN A " COLORED PERSON " !!!! "

from the way they just stare at me like I was some kind of fucking retarded person whom cusses all the time [ the cussing being true! ] , I would not be suprised that it was them after all whom did the bitching after the last fire alarm false alarm. that, and knowingly, they told mabel - our long time security guard whom got all hissy fitted toward me after she had called me by that fucking former " It" name ; and I said in reply " I am cheryl now and I am sorry but I no longer want to be known by that name ! I even changed the phone number so that creditors looking for that former person no longer will call! "

well whatever, I told my mom that I would not worry too much as to evict me from this place will take at least six months or more, and , by that time, we hope to have the place sold!

otherwise, not too much else to say except that I have been working really hard down in the heritage village river gardens with leroy , this huge 74 year old guy I have known for over six years and have worked with for at least five years both before and after my MTF transition. it is very hard work, building garden borders with 2" x 10" boards and posts, digging out grass and weeds which have been growing in for years in order to re-claim those plots as vegetable and flower gardens, rotor tilling ; work I was not sure if, now female in strength and muscular- wise, I could still do.

but I just think of MSNBC's own rachael maddow , the butch-boi lesbian news woman whom used to do the very same hard work; and ever harder stuff like literally build stone walls and cut large fallen trees, chop wood , move huge logs, etc. . this for many years up in western massachusetts in both charleton , MA and outside northampton , MA where she now lives with her much more feminine woman partner of ten years .

at 6' 2" tall and built more like a man than the typical high femme woman, Rach maddow is one hot looking butch lesbian woman ! so sexy and definitely one to prove that a woman does not really need a man in her life to do all the harder work for her! I tell you I would definitely love to have a woman like her as may partner!

there is not much money in what I am doing with leroy , but it seems to be getting my fat ass back into shape . that and it makes me feel more like a woman whom is feminine, yet butch and most definitely lesbian - one whom can drink beer with the guys and shit!

with that , I guess I will end, as tomorrow afternoon, I am fixing to be back down in those gardens dfoing work on plot # 71 in garden #4 ; building boards and digging post holes for this guys garden.

2009-04-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

cheryl
port authority bus terminal , west 42nd st. new york, NY
the great white way , otherwise known as BROADWAY ,
new york, NY
sea of taxi cabs , 8th ave at west 36th st. new york city, NY

and so, I was down in the city , as you may know from my last entry. and this week plus the last, it has been work and more work ! yeah, I've been hard at work down in the heritage village river gardens , helping my friend , Leroy , a guy who is 74 now and , perhaps, as different from me , in many ways , but not all, as night and day. but, we get along and he appreciates me helping him out with the work he drums up every year in both the spring and the fall. we do tilling with the rotor tiller , garden clean up , creating new gardens , whatever people need us to do.

it is very hard work , not the usual girly- girl work , but more like what, for too long; has been considered to be " men's " work . it is very hard work for me, to be honest , this both before my transsexual transition, and perhaps slightly more so now . women have less upper body strength , this is true for the most part. yet I can not say that, even back as the " M" thing; I ever really had even half the strength of the typical man. like leroy, for example, who's like a fucking workhorse standing at 6' 4" tall. he used to be a prison guard for the state of connecticut's corrections dept.

this both with two years in the new haven county jail, then 24 more years at the cheshire medium security prison - home away from home to some pretty tough criminals like rapists, gunmen, and child molestors! TALK ABOUT SOME REALLY TOUGH WORK ! he often says that they were uncontrollable , and all you could do with all the other men [ and now, women ] corrections officers ; was to just try to break up the many fights and male on male, gang rapes. often, he told me, you just have to try and literally let them nearly kill each other , as it's like 20 guards against as many as 250 prisoners going at each other!

he also said it is useless , the judicial system and their idea of " correcting these animals", as he often said they were. " they serve their time , 80% of their full sentences, usually . and when they're released , they get back in trouble and soon are back in the prison system; over and over again as the life of crime, and street gangs, is all they know . "

anyway, yeah, leroy has had a hard life, his back is reaklly bad from the many times, he says, that he and the other guards often got knocked flat on their asses trying to break up the numerous fights between the blacks, hispanics, whites, whatever . mostly blacks and puerto rican hispanics, as that's what the prison population is compromised of , mostly , here in connecicut ; like many places in america. why? well being that many whites, especially here in CT , often come from money , naturally, it is them whom can afford the best lawyers, lawyers whom will work hard to get you off from whatever you were charged with. that , and the neverending cycle of poverty from working at jobs which barely pay more than minimum wage!

and so , he has been retired for quite a few years now , living here in the same retirement community where I've been living with mom all those years . and he was the one whom got me into gardening , first, then helping him work at the same river gardens down by the white water rapids of the pomperaug river running from woodbury into southbury ; all the way till it flows into the housatonic river at lake zoar. and hey, it makes him beer money and me, a suppliment to my social security disability checks of just $694 a month. NOT ENOUGH TO LIVE ON ANYWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES , EVEN WHER THE RENTS ARE ONLY $500-600 AVERAGE , LIKE IN ROSEBURG , OREGON [ or upstate rural new york in the snowbelt , like jamestown , NY on lake chatauqua ; in western new york where trailers can be rented in the country for about $350-450 a month! ] .

and, he somewhat accepts me as cheryl , sort of; though he will still call me, from time to time; by that former birth name , at which time I'll gently remind him " it's Cheryl." personally, I don't hink that leroy, as a man , like so many men out there, can quite fully understand why I did what I did . why I felt the body that I was born in, physically, that is; was never quite the right fit for whom I was, EMOTIONALLY . I always felt that I was more of a confused androgeny , than what other biological males feel they are ; and often are emotionally male. like leroy, for example, who is fine with the body he was born in, well as the role assigned by being born as such!

but we get along, and, as cheryl, I provide him with insight into how women think , at least from what I'm still learning based upon my own feelings which have become less edgy , and much more emotional . I now still feel the anger toward the world like I always did. only now instead of having angry outbusts , which often got me in trouble in the past especially in relationships; I now have screaming fits and then; burst into tears ! it feels so good, actually, to now be able to not just feel anger/ depression and happiness; but to feel that full range of emotions that only a woman can experience !

not that I never could, in the past life's existance, feel more than what is expected from that sex based " gender" role I was mistakenly born into . but now I find it much easier to open up and better understand just why I'm feeling what I do at any given time. and wow! every last quarter moon phase of the month, for about a week or so, I too, feel that PMS when my monthly " cycle " hits! I GET EVEN MORE MOODY AND BITCHY THAN USUAL, WHICH, IN MANY WAYS, IS BITCHEN' ; BECAUSE NOW, WHEN A WOMAN DATING PARTNER COMES INTO MY OFTEN LONELY LIFE ; I WILL BE BETTER ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT MY PARTNER / FUTURE SPOUSE???? ALSO FEELS DURING HER " CYCLE" !!!!!

leroy, like many real men , or what they call a " man's man " , does not seem to feel those emotions like I now do. he had asked me when I had said about my " moon" , if transgenders or whatever you call yourself now, actually do get periods and PMS. EVERYTHING BUT THE BLEED , WAS WHAT I EXPLAINED TO HIM. he, like most men his age , or in general, did not know this . I know he see's my breasts getting bigger by the month , he knows I now wear my bras just the same way his wife of over 40 years , does.

which, by the way, is cool. he knows that I still swear like the sailor girl's parrot , but then again; so do most younger women today ! anyway, so we'll be working together on monday, finishing up putting in the boards on those gardens we began last monday .

now for tomorrow , I'll be at the first annual newtown CT film festival , seeing a few independent films , but especially the featured film called Dikslecksia, a film about the common learning disability better known as dyslexia , a disorder which makes reading comprehension very hard. the film is by harvey hubbell V , the offbeat son of one of newtown's wealthiest men of all time whom owned several factories which manufactured plastics for electrical parts such as switches and outlets.

anyway, so harvey turned out to become one of connecticut's better known indie filmmakers after all these years , from one of us potheads to this. and so, having paid the full $35 for the VIP pass , I'll be not just going to the all day film festival; but also to the interviews with the filmmakers and , later that night at 9 -11 PM; to the dinner reception down the main street at the newtown inn . [ which , I believe, used to be called the hawley manor restaurant ] anyway, that should be awesome.

I plan on wearing my new star dress sandals with those two inch wedge heels, this along with my new, classy ass dress in an artsy green and white texture color which looks like an abstract artist's fine art painting. I'll pair that up with those matching , classy looking green earrings and both the green bracelet and necklace! going like a real lady to the film fest! I think I'll do the full makeup , as that would at least make me look a fuck of a lot better.

well otherwise, not too much else to say. on sunday, it'll be the usual NASCAR auto race, and later on, a new realtor is fixing to come over and look at the place ; this to evaluate it and make her offer . her name's joy and I learned of her last year from a lesbian woman I met at last year's fairfield county pride in norwalk , named Jo Mineo . she and joy work together in the same real estate office and jo also hosts the jo Z events at www.jozevents.com , a social activity group for women whom like women ; biological or transgender .

2009-04-20T00:18:00.000-07:00

2009-04-20T00:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.calculatorcat.com/moon_phases/phasenow.php

2009-04-20T00:17:00.001-07:00

2009-04-17T23:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't been in here in a while, been working really hard down in the heritage village river gardens near where I live. let's see, I have been digging out grass that has been growing for several years , using two shovels, a sod cutter/ edger, and various rakes. and has it been hard fucking work , really physical work that I joked about on facebook where I'm back on under " Cheryl Lynne " with my girlfriend; literally calling it " butch lesbian work." erica is really cool though, but she said she hates labels and prefers to think of herself as "unlabelable" which she really is. she is so cool , though, and I have got to say that her partner, or SPOUSE, Lu or Luanne; really is so lucky to have erica as her life partner .

they recently got married this past fall when connecticut legalized gay marriage on nov. 14, 2008 . and seeing the pictures she has posted in facebook, I've got to admit they just look so happy together . I hope that someday I get lucky enough to find somebody like she did , as despite the ups and downs which she tells me are what marriage is all about; just the idea of being able to share your life with somebody close to you in every way possible is simply , well.............AWESOME!

speak of which, that woman out in southern california, " michelle warren" , whom was listed in her ad as " warrenmichelle40" on match.com ; she turned out to be a SCAMMER! ever heard of the " black widow" , not the spider, but the woman whom used to marry the wealthy gentlemen and then, fleece them out of all their fucking money ? well this chick turned out to be the LESBIAN BLACK WIDOW !

at first, after two e-mails , during out first chat on yahoo IM, she seemed to almost be one of my hopeful prospects despite some things different between us. but her true colors began to show when, three times in 10 mins.; she asked " so what is your job?" . she also asked shit like " are you ready for a relationship in every way? emotionally , physically, and financially? " she then went on saying she wanted somebody whom was completely honest with her , and well, I went through the trouble of emailing her and telling her that I was not even halfway
" financially self-sufficient" . I told her that I am on a govt. check every month, and soon figured that I'd never hear from her again . " I am right? aren't I ? " I asked.

WRONG! guess who is on my yahoo IM that fucking friday night? 'michellewaiting4solong' , of course and then, her true motives began to come out! she kept on asking if I could " help her out" , when I replied with
" emotionally? or what" , I got back " can you support me? " LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?????? needless to say, there was she again on sat night , when I told her that I'd be on later. supposedly this woman said she was an art dealer and art collector from beaumont CA .

well, needless to say , I was up all night going over my novel still unfinished and getting all the story's characters straight in " Other Side of Gainesville" and she came on asking for me. this time, she continued with her " I am in africa after traveling her on business and running out of money." YEAH RIGHT!!! HORSESHIT! BITCH! again and again, I told her how she was asking the wrong person , as I am on state assistance and don't have any money. I then asked her
" what the fuck are you doing in africa? michelle? I can't even afford to fly to florida and go to disney world !!!! "

finally after not getting what she was looking for, she quickly said bye and signed off. well all that week and the one before, I had been getting all emotional over this woman! it just seemed too good to be true! and surely, it was! curious, I went into www.intellus.com and searched for a " michelle warren of beaumont , CA " AND MUCH TO MY SURPRISE, DID I COME UP WITH THAT !!! the cost of the person's background search was just $1.95 for a one time search; but they ask you " do you want to add criminal background search for an additional $9.95 ? "

I paid for both and while not able to tell if every one of those ' michelle warren' records in the entire state of california was for herself ; there were at least 23 convictions in both riverside and san bernardino superior courts under criminal listings, well as one in los angeles district whatever! riverside and san bernardino are very close to the address of " hogan drive" , forgot the full number of that address and , in that same jurisdiction , I found a possible relative named
" charles warren" for her name. it all felt into place and I said " SHE'S A FUCKING SCAM ARTIST PREYING ON SINGLE , LESBIAN WOMEN THROUGH ONINE DATING SITES!! IF I WAS ONE OF THOSE MANY LESBIANS WITH MONEY I SEE ON MATCH.COM , SHE COULD HAVE FUCKING TRIED TO ROB ME, IF WE EVER EVENTUALLY MET AND GOTTEN INTO A RELATIONSHIP! "

and so, I copied down the search results , 15 fucking pages af michelle warren's in the state of CA . that as well as our conversations on yahoo IM with her screen name , all showing the " stuck in africa" talk over and over again . the next day , I emailed both match.com [ whom still has nbot gotten back to me] and the beaumont police through the chief of police's contact email . well the sgt. of detectives replied very quickly the next day, telling me how lucky I was that I did not fall for her scam , and said they would look into it at that address I gave them- based upon the criminal records' search for a ' michelle warren - beaumont, CA ' .

WHAT A FUCKING LIAR! "NICE ENGLISH GIRL WHO HAS BEEN ON HER OWN SINCE BOTH PARENTS HAD DIED IN A PLANE CRASH WHEN SHE WAS JUST 21!" TEEL ME LIES! TELL ME SWEET LITTLE LIES! DIDN'T SOME OLD LOVE SONG GO LIKE THAT ??? YES, FLEETWOOD MAC'S OWN STEVIE NICKS , I THINK, SANG IT!

on well, despite all the emotional ups and downs I was feeling with this very mysterious and often confusing woman, one whom went from sweet lady , to gold digger bitch in one IM session; soon as I sent off that email to the beaumont P D out in southern calif. ; I felt closure! was I angry? yes! did I feel like I was used by a player? yes! BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE IF IT WENT ANY FURTHER AND WE EVER MET! SHE COULD HAVE KILLED ME SOON AS WE MET!

and so, this is why they say you should first meet in person at someplace in public which has many people in it , like starbucks, Borders books cafe, or any coffee shop. even Mc Donalds. bars are not a great idea as when you drink, you get carried away . and if you are having doubts as to the honesty of somebody you just met online and yet feel that it may be going someplace eventually- look them up in a people search to see if they are who they say that they are .

yeah the makes and breaks of online, or any , dating situation today . it is hard to meet people if you are not popular and one of the crowd. that or if you are busy and don't get to go out much . one can no longer trust meeting one the job because if things fuck up farther down the line, eventually- you can get fired. and then, there is the fine line between sexual harrassment and just being nice ! this could just as well apply in the college , or other school , situation much the same.

on the positive side, many relationships leading to more, even marriage; occur between people whom first met online! it is now very possible to live in connecticut , where the chances of finding somebody can be difficult at best if you are not one for social circles; to meet somebody online through match.com , sapphites.com [ lesbian dating site] , or maybe one of the free sites or even on facebook . you never know, I guess .

as for am I ready for a relationship ? well maybe not in the financial sense according to what many consider being " financially secure." and maybe not in the sense of all this " psychobabble" self help, and professional help, horseshit ; which makes people believe that the suitable candidate for a good relationship must be willing to not ever get angry and say anything bad about their partner! there are so many people once you pass the chronological age of 30-35 whom have been burned so many times in love that they seem to be looking for what does not exist.

asking my girlfriend, erica, if the " perfect relationship" as foretold by this self-help bullshit exists; she told me flat out; THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE
' PERFECT RELATIONSHIP! ' thanks, erica. she is so kewl ! just really funny and so real I sometimes wich that she was single . I think in general, you will find that many lesbian women are more that way then you will find with the typical , heterosexual woman in the traditional man vs. woman dating scene. that is, unless you find one of the women whom is not " good looking " according to the usual, male- sanctioned, standards of what is " pretty" or not. I think it is about the same with lesbian women as well.

and so, I answered another two ads this week, one from a woman whom, according to match profile, was 97% compatible , she in columbia, missouri . she read it and no reply!

then I just answered one from a woman in northern california near santa rosa, a woman whom was so fucking honest that she said under the " for work" part ; " I am on disability actually but I do part time work such as pet sitting ...." I touched in on that and told her that I am too, but it can be hard to say that to many people for whom " job" or " good job" ; seems to be a requirement for love and dating.

so who knows ? que sera , sera! whatever will be , will be . the future is ours ..to see...que sera, sera ......

as for everything else? well last week I went down to new york city , first to my HRT clinic , callen lorde. then it was off to queens, NY to see my mother for the first time since she moved to flushing to that assisted living home in november after no longer being able to afford staying at lockwood lodge in newtown , CT . I later went back into the city, manhattan, to greenwich village where I first walked over toward hudson street and down to see what the lesbian bar called henrietta hudson was about . www.henriettahudson.com it is small and it was crowded on a friday night, of course. and so, back toward christopher street and up to the recently reopened stonewall ; where DJ stacy was hosting her " lesbo a go go " dance party complete with a topless dancer on the 2nd floor.

speak of women , well little did I expect it, but there I met this crazy fucking latina chick named paula. she had to be about 20 something , maybe around 26 I am guessing and she, her two friends whom were definitely bisexual ; all began to dance with me on that floor . I swear they , especially HER , were all over me and was I ever worried that they'd figure out that I was a pre-operation transexual lesbian. she knew, of course, as she was all over my body groping me in her sensual dance.

well needless to say , we sort of quickly got close and were both holding one another and talking in the downstairs make out area; much like what they've got across the sheridan square at the Monster; a mostly gay boy's bar like Pieces up christopher street close to the other lesbian bar called the cubbyhole. the next thing we were outside, as she wanted to have herself a cigarette .

paula had a boyfriend, but I just knew that her two friends were really more into women than ment like she was constantly telling me she thought they were. actually, I think paula herself was definitely bisexual ; as here she was showing me pictures of her three year old son and going on about how her boyfriend and she were fixing to get engaged soon . but all the while, she was telling me that with me, she felt she could at least have a conversation .

she said that he treated her like a princess and was good to her son , but still , they did not really talk . but I'll be honest and admit that I think she was so fucked up with the fucking cocaine shit , more then likely stuff he had her selling for him ; that she was just staying with what she only thought was a satisfying relationship ! I think she envied her two friends, both whom were really hitting it off with each other!

anyway, needless to say , after we both walked outside along stonewall square, she literally pulled out her breast and showed me how it could still make milk . and right there, on that greenwich village street in front of other gays and lesbians, I took myself a quick few licks! IT WAS SO BITCHEN' the thing which she did which pissed me off was, curious to see " what I had under that skirt", shove her fucking hand up there. [ I was wearing my denim mini skirt and green, layered look top , with pantyhose and sneakers] but then we both went back inside andf , both waiting to use the same restroom , she and I went in together . she took out some coke and asked if I wanted a bump , which the first time I refused but later on, in the restroom again, quickly took one sniff of.

she had to pee and so did I the second time , and so, she first literally whipped down, shamelessly , her jeans and undies and , hovering about the toilet ; began to piss and said " I don't care if you see my pussy." well she knew I was pre-op and so, she now done , I hiked my mini skirt , rolled down my pantyhose, lowered my panties and , quickly tucking like I am so good at now ; sat my ass down upon that toilet seat and pissed myself . as i pissed, I said something like " transwoman's logic - I been doing this for over twenty years sitting just comes natural like for me like it does for any woman! " no paper , which she saw me look for . and so, up right quick with them panties, rolling up the hose and dropping that skirt, I flushed and off we went.

we ended up going back into that same talking and makeout seating area where we all met an englishwoman and her bisexual boyfriend visiting from london. this after again, she and I walked out so she could have another cigarette ; at which time we exchanged cell phone numbers. the girl from london commented on how it looked as if paula and I had " chemistry " between us, and yes , to some extent that was true . she let me hold her and we both just leaned upon one another like a couple would on their first date , maybe.

I let her touch my breasts too, and well, I kissed her but she did not seem too into that . I think she was actually sexually confused and, in many ways, wanted to be with a woman , as she was mentioned how pissed she was that her friends did not tell her they were both gay! I think she too, was bisexual , but with her kid and all, figured that she may as well stay with this guy ; whom from what i could tell; probably has her seeing his dope for him! [ she earlier asked if I ever tried crack, what it was like and said she sells it . I told her, yes, many years ago in florida and it is bad shit! ]

and so , I've got her cell number and she mine, but so far, she has not yet called and me neither to her. I'm taking this whole thing as a fun , bar sexual encounter which was bitchen' while it happened , but will probably never be anything more . GODS! IT'S FUN TO BE A FUCKING SLUT ! I LOVE IT!!!

but seriously , number one, she was a city girl from corona queens, new york . to her, I live way out in the country in southbury connecticut ! she kept saying " no don't go out west , you'll never like it, " when I was saying that i'm fixin' to move west to either rural northern california or oregon . but that is where i need to be right about now in my life . someplace slower paced where I can halfway afford to live, where I can be close to what I like best ; rural roads and hiking trails .

someplace where I can find myself and then, be totally open to somebody coming into it and hopefully having a great relationship with her . and , despite how I can be quite slutty at times, what i really want is something much more than
that ! I want to find my life's partner , as I now feel that I am open to growing old with somebody by my side. somebody whom accepts me for whom I am and will love me for myself !

2009-04-07T01:16:00.000-07:00

banned by facebook - article # 1 exhibit " A"
banned by facebook - article # 2 exhibit " B"
[ jurors, please render your decisions ]
banned by facebook - article # 3 exhibit " C "
who else ? Cheryl Lynne Oropal , up behind the open mike night podium at sleepy hollow, new york's hudson valley writer's center - dressed in pretty pink top , tan pants and " cowgirly- girl" flat heeled boots. in the foreground ? poet Anne Marie Marra of Putnam Valley, NY [ formerly of Yonkers, NY ] the late anne marie marra, that is, as I recently learned by chance , had recently died just last week. (:

not that any of my so called " friends" whom I have known for over 9 years , both pre transition as " It " , well as Cheryl - post may 2005 ; would ever have the time to call me or anything. so how did I learn she had died? well long fucking story, but this majorly " cunty" acting, stuck the fuck on up, chick, Victoria Munoz; a well known area poet herself and one whom often reads poetry at the bethel , CT weds. night poetry series , now meeting at the molten java coffee house on greenwood ave [ route 302 ] ; had INDIRECTLY TOLD ME !

how, you may ask? well sweetie , Ms. Krusty Krab Vagina herself, aka: Ms. Munoz ; had fucking blamed me on facebook for supposedly " knocking anne marie's poetry at her reading in bethel several months ago . something which she interpreted wrong and was NOT what I had said! what did I actually say ? well I had just left a message for ANNE MARIE saying that , and I'll quote ; " I don't bother reading at the bethel wednesday night poetry series because I am fucking sick of all the stuck up fairfield county corporate queens whom go to the bethel series!"

which, of course , " Ms. krusty snatch" Victoria Munoz took as something against anne marie, saying something like " maybe if you didn't read all your angry at everyone poetry there people would like you better. " FUCK YOU VICTORIA MUNOZ! YOU, MOST OTHERS AT BETHEL POETRY , STILL HATE ME FOR WHOM I USED TO BE BACK WHEN I WAS THE ANGRY " M" THING AND TOTAL LOSER IN YOUR MOTHER FUCKIN' EYES! YOU GOD DAMN , CORPORATE FEMINAZI BITCHES! THE REASON THAT I USED TO READ THIS WAS TO FLING SHIT BACK IN THE FACES OF ALL YOU, HEAD INSERTED DEEPLY IN WELL-PERFUMED AND COLLEGE EDUCATED ASSES ; " VICTIM MENTALITY " WOMEN WHOM I NEVER DID LIKE. THIS BOTH BEFORE AS WELL AS NOW !

MS MUNOZ - YOU FUCKING BITCH OF BITCHES! I TRIED TO ERASE AND MAKE UP FOR THE PAST THE LAST FEW TIMES I WAS THERE AT THE WEDNESDAY NIGHT POETRY SERIES IN BETHEL, CT . BUT WAS I EVER GIVEN THE CHANCE TO BECOME A PART OF YOUR " SECRET SOCIETY OF THE YA YA SISTERHOOD OF POETS" ?????? FUCK NO ! YOU MOTHER FUCKING BITCHES STILL HAD IT IN FOR ME, AND BELIEVE ME; ONCE I BEGAN ESTROGEN AND BEGAN FEELING WHAT A WOMAN CAN ONLY FEEL - VICTORIA , SWEETIE - I FELT YOUR SO CALLED , PATHETIC " LOVE ONE ANOTHER" BUDDHIST AND TAOIST , FUCKING " SPIRITUAL" ATTITUDES ; BACKFIRE RIGHT INTO MY FACE!

SO DO ME A FAVOR, MS. MUNOZ. SHUT YOUR FUCKING WELL-HEELED " VENUS FLY TRAP" DOWN THERE , THE ONE THAT MAKES YOU ONLY THINK YOU ARE THE GOD DAMN " VICTIM" WHOM ONLY THINKS SHE IS A " FEMINIST" ; BUT IN REALITY, IS NOTHING MORE THEN A COLD HEARTED SKANK ! WHAT I SAID IS THIS, " WHEN I FINALLY GO WEST , I WILL REMEMBER JUST HOW REALLY ' WARM AND WELCOMING' Y'ALL HERE IN FUCKING FAIRFIELD COUNTY AND WESTERN CONNECTICUT TRULY ARE TO THOSE WHOM DO NOT FIT INTO YOUR LITTLE, PRE- CONCIEVED, PREPPY ENGLISH LITERATURE EDUCATED WORLD !

and believe me, I let victoria , " krusty krab" munoz really have it in spades in my reply in anne marie's site; saying toward her " WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO SAY THAT I WAS NEVER ANNE MARIE'S FRIEND? I LIKED ANNE MARIE AND I THINK I KNEW HER A FUCK OF A LOT BETTER THAN YOUR STUCK UP LITTLE SIZE 4-6 ASS EVER DID ; THIS FROM THE HUDSON VALLEY AND PEEKSKILL OPEN MIKES! SHE WAS MY FRIEND, SOMETHING THAT I CAN NOT, SERIOUSLY SAY FOR ANY OF YOU STUCK UP BITCHES AT THE BETHEL POETRY!

okay, that said, I can not say that everyone in CT is that bad! in fact facebook may have banned me , something I often wonder had to do with who???? whom complained about my tittie pictures on facebook????? in fact , being that I have another e-mail , I simply used that and was right back on facebook in little over one hour! I then just did not use my last name , instead just putting Cheryl Lynne , as my facebook account name! simple, right?

I think that google took over facebook, just like they took over this here blogspot, not sure , really . but anyway, many have been saying that the new facebook really sucks ass! maybe this is just another example of that, as at least here in blogspot.com , I just have to keep it behind the " warning " sign , because, as we all know, " children might get harmed. "

MORE LIKE THE YUPPIE FUCKING BREEDER PARENTS, MOST OF WHOM REALLY HAVE NO TIME TO TEND TO THEIR " BROOD" , ANYWAY ; MUST TRULY " PROTECT" THEIR LITTLE DARLINGS FROM STRIKING OUT AND SAYING
" FUCK YOU ! MOMMY AND DADDY! YOU'RE LIVES ARE SHIT AND YOU CAN'T EVEN STAY FUCKING MARRIED . SO FUCK YOU AND YOUR DRUG FREE KIDS ATTITUDE WHEN Y'ALL BOTH SMOKES MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF POT, SNORTED COKE, AND DRANK JUST AS MUCH AS WE NOW DO! "

banned by facebook - article # 4 - exhibit " D" in the case of Ms. Oropal vs. the facebook censors ! well I guess the wonderful thing about being banned is this. I now get to feel that my breasts are my " private parts" and so, must cover them up in public. this includes in general public sites like facebook - yes the very same facebook whom allowed the group , C.U. N. T. citizens united not timid- an anti-hillary clinton for president group started by a group of MEN whom were worried that if there were a feminist woman as the president of the USA ; they would all have to get themselves castrated !

which, I , having been born with those " mistakes down there", would absolutely love to volunteer as Hillary's first " victim" ; this if she became president , which I actually wanted despite how I just blasphemed that poet Ms. munoz ! that would be no problem for me, as all i need now would simply be a hole to piss from when I either sit down on the toilet; or squat when outside in the bushes!

so, I have to wonder when it comes to being a parent, what kind of mom, or step- mom to another woman's child/ren would I make? I mean here I am a foul mouthed bitch with the vocabulary of the typical brooklyn butch lesbian . here I'd smoke marijuana with my teenagers and allow them , to some extent , to see nudity and all . in that sense I am very liberal!

yet I would not want my/ my partner's children, to go out and rob, kill and steal
[ well maybe kill if they were the near victim of some bully trying to kill them. MOST DEFINITELY IF MY DAUGHTER/STEP DAUGHTER WAS ABOUT TO BE RAPED BY SOME DUDE IN HIGH SCHOOL , IF SHE HAD A WEAPON OF SOME SORT TO DEFEND HERSELF WITH ; BE THAT A KNIFE, NUNCHUCKUS , BASEBALL BAT, OR BETTER YET, A GUN - I WOULD HOPE THAT SHE SLAYED THE FUCKER FLAT DEAD! AT LEAST SHOT THE MOTHER FUCKER RIGHT IN HIS BREEDER BULBS , THE BALLS! STERILIZING HIM FOREVER AND CURING HIM OF HIS LITTLE " RAPE DESIRES" FOR GOOD!

so while I say that I am a far left wing democrat , politically , and while I do not always agree with both the motor city madman , Ted Nugent's right wing republican politics ? I DO SINCERELY FEEL THAT HE HAS A VERY VALID POINT ABOUT THE UNITER STATES' SECOND AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION - THE RIGHT OF ITS CITIZENS TO KEEP AND BEAR ARMS!

YEAH , I HEARD ONE OF OL' TED'S NEWER SONGS CALED " GUN" ; ONE IN WHICH HE DEFENDS HIS RIGHT TO TAKE CARE OF CRIMINALS IN HIS VERY OWN SPECIAL WAY - BY SHOOTING THE FUCKERS RIGHT BETWEEN THE GOD DAMN EYES! TED IS RIGHT , AND HELL , GIRL; IF I WERE ONE OF THOSE COUNTRY , HILLBILLY MAMMA'S UP IN UPSTATE NEW YORK, MICHIGAN, SISKIYOU COUNTY CALIFORNIA [ where the sherriff has been known to give out handgun permits, especially to single mothers and single women living out in the sticks! ] ; and say, someone date raped my daughter? I WOULD FIRST DEMAND SHE LED ME TO HIM! THEN, I WOULD DEFINITELY HUNT HIS PATHETIC ASSHOLE DOWN AND FUCKING LOAD HIS GIZZARD SILLY WITH BUCKSHOT, HONEY!

DITTO GOES FOR SOME DUMB CRACKHEAD BASTARD OR FUKING FOOL BOY OR GIRL FLYIN' HIGH ON HIS/HER CRYSTAL METH - BUST ON INTO MY TRAILER TRYIN' TO STEAL MY SHIT , MOTHER FUCKER , AND I'D PUMMEL YOUR SORRY ASS STRAIGHT UP WITH FUCKING 30-ODD SIX BULLETS!!!! TRY AND RAPE ME AND WELL...... THINK ABOUT THAT REAL PRETTY SONG BY OL' TED NUGENT CALLED " GUN" [ GUN, GUN , I GOT A GUN ! ]

SO , IN THAT WAY, I DEFINITELY DO AGREE QUITE WELL WITH TED NUGENT AND HIS GUN OWNERSHIP PHILOSOPHY ! DOES THAT MAKE ME NOW A
" CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN" AND NO LONGER A TRUE " DEMOCRAT" ? WELL NOT NESSESSARILY , BECAUSE MS. HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON ALSO BELIEVES IN RESPONSIBLE GUN OWNERSHIP FOR HONEST, LAW ABIDING AMERICANS!

SO TED NUGENT IS RIGHT AFTER ALL ABOUT SOME THINGS ! www.tednugent.com

2009-03-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

http://www.lezebellesboutique.com/

above is the link to my store , a struggling one which I'm trying to make work out ; but since leaving the fee infested ebay; I've yet to see a valued customer! yeah, been thinkin g about this a lot lately, as let me say it like this . what would I tell somebody whom may be potentially a " special somebody " in my future when she asks shit like " so tell me about yourself, your JOB , and how long you've been seeking [ somebody ] online." WHAT DO I SAY TO HER???????????????????

anyway , so I spent yesterday, the one day recently that I've gotten up earlier then 2 PM , first going to fucking Kmart to both return and buy another TV indoor antenna . FOX TV comes in on channel 61 here in CT and that's what the auto racing , or NASCAR , is on around here . if you get cable TV [ $45.00 month plus the taxes which comes to over $53.00 ] then you'll get all the NY city area stations like 2,4,5,7,9,11,13 , plus the usual " rabbit ears" connecticut fare such as 3-CBS,8-ABC,18-espanol, 20 WB, 24-PBS hartford, 30-NBC, 43-shopping network , 49-PBS - bridgeport, 59 -IND, and yes, 61-FOX- the one where the NASCAR sprint series is on as well as all FOX network NFL and NCAA football games in the fall /winter football season .

with the indoor antenna ? well its just the 3,8,20,24,30 , 49, 59,61. 24 and 61 , both UHF frequencies out of the hartford CT area, come in like fucking shit really. and that is the problem , as here I first went out and bought the $30 antenna[ plus tax of 6%] by phillips , along with that DTV converter for another $49.95 [ no tax on that! ] well at first , every channel worked and better then the old one which I'd thrown out as it was fucking up and getting loose, all that good shit. back for antenna two , same fancy $30 one by phillips, even though the dude working there said that most customers seem happier with the $14.95 and $21.95 ones .

well needless to say , again it worked the first time and then, same fuckin thing ! the signals from channel 8 - WTNH TV , which transmits close by at maybe 20 miles as the crow flies , away in Hamden CT - high upon Madmere mtn which you can see clearly to the close west from the tower atop sleeping giant mountain [ 890 ft above sea level - see photos back in my diary's entry from last summer-august ] waterbury's WB comes in excellently clear , and ch 8 , while having some ghosts, is much fucking better with the new DTV signal ! CRYSTAL CLEAR IN FACT NOW!

but WFSB-3 , WVIT 30, CH -59 , and -61 WTIC - they all are from either Hartford or New Britian area of conn. and generally transmit from the big , long fucking ridge up between Avon town and bloomfield , close to west hartford and simsbury. at 1,600 feet tall at the talcott mountain tower called the Hubelein tower [ built by that liquor magnate, or famous " booze man" around 1897 or so ? it was his summer house from NY city where he lived much of the year! ] . their antennas are all up someplace along this vast, sprawling ridge which runs from between west hartford and simsbury along the town line; all the way up into southwick , MA ; this for a distance of maybe 20 + miles!

well anyway, long story short , as I'm desperate to e-mail back somebody maybe special ? [ not sure yet] ; this mountain's transmission towers are like 37 fuckin miles from southbury, CT where I live . that and since my place is west of another big ridge seperating middlebury and southbury ; halfway up the first big ridge west of route US 6 and less then halfway in elevation of the biggest west flat hill mountain [ purchase section of southbury ] , I definitely can not get the NYC stations with any indoor, or any non cable system. and even the hartford stations, while WFSB 3 is fairly clear and 8,20-30, 59 are all fine but slightly fuzzy ; FOX 61 is a bitch to get! and ever since this whole fucking DTV conversion deal, it has gotten progressively worse! so fucking bad that I could hardly see my redskins football games this fall which usually were on FOX .

so I bought with the second refud cash , the next one down , which was just about the same as the fancier one , the $30 one which had 30 db UHF[14-69] and 45 db VHF [ 2-13] the smaller one at $21.95 ? has 32 db UHF and just 30 db VHF but with that DVT converter? well ch 8 ABC comes in AWESOME CLEAR! SO DOES CH 30 NBC from hatford [ avon mtn 1,600 ft. ]

so, getting home, I tried to set that one up and frustration to the max! I was cussin and bitchin' screamin' and all trying to get in clearly my auto race at bristol TN /VA/NC ! well it fucking took me nearly 3 hrs into that race to finally figure out how to make channel 61 come in well enough to watch . I placed aluminum foil around the UHF loop and bingo! THE NASCAR RACE CAME IN . thing is this. I missed 400 laps of the fucking race! but still I broke out my vodka and tonic and got shitfaced enough to enjoy the last 100 laps , when who the fuck else won again for the fifth race so far ? anyone guess KYLE BUSCH ? YOU GOT IT, LOVE !

I'd really have to imagine that, for this guy being the hero so far this year in NASCAR - it must be hard for him to stay committed to his wife ! as all them sassy southern and other NASCAR belles, the heterosexual women that is; would perhaps love to fuck that ol' boy's brains out and fuck him good! I believe he is married , though , happily at that as well with a kid.

okay, so what else ? well this woman from southern california had ' winked' at me on match.com and so, Miss Cheryl here took a chance and e-mailed her back. I was 100% honest to the max , too, about being a transwoman , my " transition" and everything pretty much . the ' what do you do for work' part had not yet come up .

anyway, so she replied faster then a pig in North Carolina can scream when the butcher come for his ass to be slaughtered and made into delicious pork chops and loins for that awesome pulled pork .

her name's Michelle and she lives close to beaumont CA ; near where the desert begins just past the san bernadino mountains. mountains which may be so much higher than anything here in CT or MA , even upstate NY which has mount marcy at 5,560 ft I think . and what an interesting introduction way she thought up !

having never placed an ad on match.com before , she simply decided to ask what was the truth and what is just fucking major horseshit out of what people say in their ads . things like " do tatoos makes a woman more desirable? " to " does every woman have to have a big dog in their lives ? " she then also asked about " does ....woman watch DVD's with red [ wine] ? " the last question was killer, though . she asked for advice, saying , " for how long have you been single? " it sounded like she was a reporter, like " Nickel [ Nichole] Smith -Hunsemeir " , the single and lonely lesbian woman character living in tiny " runnymede", MD in rita mae brown's book, Bingo; whom is the editor of the Runnymede daily Clarion . a town half in MD[ dixie or the " south" ] and half in PA [ the " north" ] !

anyway, it was a very cute way of getting somebody to open up and share honestly! she comes across as a very sweet lady of 40 years old, and she seems to be that for sure!

as for southern calif's. , they have to be taller than anything back east here; possibly exceeding the often wicked monster weather maker better known as mount washington in new hampshire - 6,288 feet above sea level and the highest mountain east of the misisippi and north of the mason dixon line. one which I' ve been up twice in my former life as the ' M ' thing , once in 1992 in sept. and another in august on the humid, rainy off and on weekend of the 4-6 th . [ that time when I nearly got arrested for possesion of marijuana while trying to cross the Canada border into quebec. those were the days, back when , living as the fucking most hated " male" person whom hated itelf inside and out , all I had was my good girlfriend mary jane wanna smoke me as my traveling companion! ]

But those mountains are also so bare and so dry, mostly just desert and burned out by fire forests, now becoming mixed with tons of shitty suburban subdivisions full of houses and apartments which all look the fucking same as all the rest of them !

anyway, so I'll have to admit that connecticut is absolutely fucking beautiful when compared to anything in calif. south of sacramento - their state capitol . while many [ NOT ALL THOUGH - as CT's really got some killer people , too. sweet and cute lesbian ladies whom work at new haven's planned parenthood like especially Gretchen whom I love having had the opportunity to work volunteer with last weds. calling for the love makes a family gender identity and expression bill's support HB 6452 ] of the always working and with family and friends, people here, can often be something which leaves such a bad taste in my mouth; especially all these " responsible " all the time parental mother fuckers here in southbury and woodbury! I have to admit that the scenery is fucking killer when compared to that dry, deserty climate .

I THINK I'D REALLY LIKE OREGON- A PLACE WHICH GRETCHEN TOLD ME IS
" SO AWESOME AND PRETTY ." gretchen is so kewl! she has friends whom moved out to Oregon and they, well....LOVE IT THERE! I THINK THAT, PRETTY MUCH ANSWERS MY QUEST FOR THE PLACE I'LL BE HAPPY. PLUS CENTRAL OREGON'S GOT THE BEST FUCKING ROCK 'N' ROLL STATION EVERY TO BE FOUND ANYPLACE HERE IN " STERILIZED" , POST 2000 AMERICA . KZEL - FM , IN EUGENE, OREGON! MAJOR BITCHEN' BABY !

anyway, so back to Michelle , whom I still have not, but should, e-mail back . I think she sounds just really awesome, she's definitely NOT butch or even a ' Boi' ; unlike rach' maddow on MSNBC TV or even ellen de generes . she is very femme , simple femme but yes, femme . and her personality ? so far from what I know so quick , it just has a spark to it that tells me " maybe " . and , much like me, she seems lonely in some ways ; even though, unlike ME, she's got a great job which she loves as an art dealer and collector.

HOW DO I MATCH UP TO THAT ????????????????????????????? TRULY , IT PAINS ME INSIDE , BECAUSE, WELL...............I'M ALREADY FEELING SOMETHING HERE WHICH IS SAYING " MAYBE? MAYBE? " thing is this, she mentioned her folks dying and she had to live on her own- learn how to survive. something I have yet to figure out how to do ! I never, as the former self , was fucking able to hold down a full time job ! that was how I ended up on disability back in 1989 after going wacky and nearly killing a couple people in some high speed chase with the daytona beach FL police ; i was out to kill myself and as many people I could take with me , as those " soldiers of fortune " often say .

but all this due to the raging fucking testosterone , yet no outlet [ or vagina] to unload it all in . I had to face the fact that I was never going to ever become a fucking " man"; and was nothing more then an ineffectual wussbag inside me then. a raging lunatic destined to become a future loser , one who m had so much hate for " zitself " that " it" hated all fucking pretty women and saw them all as fucking stuck up bitches. RELATIONSHIPS ? HA HA ! but what I began to have , in place of the empty shell that was expected to become a " man" and grow up ; was a " fantasy woman" hidden deep inside . the woman whom wanted desperately to become one so she could " show all those other fashion-conscious bitches how to be fucking real ."

well, I did it , maybe not physically all the way yet ; but still, I BECAME THAT
[ TRANSSEXUAL ] WOMAN! I BECAME WHAT I NAMED MY BARBIE DOLL AT AGE 9 - CHERYL ! and this transition staring back in 2002 , in january at the former TriBury P-FLAG group when that woman told me what 'transgender woman' meant [ sitting down to piss as well as BM- like most biological women do!]

and I realized that I was not a " hater of women" to put it as faith vicenanza - former host of the bethel CT weds. night poetry group ; had called me . i just hated having to be a fucking " man" and a since one at that whom never really grew up and passed , EMOTIONALLY ; the 16 year old mark! here I was, as the former self at age 38 , with heather hindall - this just turned 18 woman I met in the gothic tears website for goths and other angry at the world people
[ www.gothictears.com] . and I'll have to admit that , when it came to work, love, and everything else , my two month online girlfriend, heather, had it mlore together then I did back then. SHE WAS ACTUALLY MORE MATURE THAN I, AS THE 38 YEAR OLD LOSER OF A " grown man" , AS SHE CALLED THE PILE OF FUCKING WORTHLESS SHIT THAT I USED TO BE!

after heather [ online mostly but we talked over the phone four times and even wrote each other love letters ] ended, I went fucking beserk ! I was, for the next six months, suicidal and seriously considered " bagging myself " in if only I had the fucking gun to do the job right the first time . then was tori, 19 I think ??? not sure as she was both game player and liar ; but a cute bisexual goth-punk rocker and tomboi skater grrl . three months and she decided was not the " same person " she fell in [ online] love with . THING WAS THIS - I NEVER, AS " IT" , COULD FIND A WOMAN CLOSE TO MY AGE ! I HADN'T ANYTHING THEY WANTED , SPECIFICALLY A JOB AND A PLACE OF MY OWN!

then along came Chris larson , a big fucking mistake from the start ! she was Catholic and could not get that asshole mother of 79 [ then ] out of her fucking life! But looking back now, and from a whole new gender-based perspective ; I never knew how to treat a woman right back then! heather, I fell in love with because she was close to my emotional " age" back then! so was tori, real name samantha kalish of laguna niguel, CA; in orange county . and chris, or christine ? well she was very old fashioned looking and messed up psycologically , just like me.

BUT SHE LACKED A SPIRIT OF INDEPENDENCE , AS EVEN THOUGH SHE TOO, LIVED WITH HER AGING MOTHER- SHE DID NOT HAVE A BRAIN OF HER OWN ! THIS MOSTLY DUE TO THAT FUCKING PROZAC SHIT SHE TOOK ALONG WITH THAT GOD DAMN , MOTHER FUCKING ; SAINT BRIGID'S ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH AND THE MOTHER WHOM WAS SO GOD DAMN PIOUS AND HYPOCRITICAL THAT SHE FELT FORCED TO GO EVERY GOD DAMN FUCKING SAT. AFTERNOON ! THAT AND SHE HAD TO DRIVE HER 79 YEAR OLD MOTHER, SOPHIE, EVERY FUCKING PLACE!

yet in many ways, Chris was so like me , financially, at least and the fact that she, like I as former self with the exception of my drug dealers in waterbury's north end ' hood' ; had few if any real friends . EVERYBODY IN HER LIFE, AS IN MINE WHICH I AM NOW JUST LEARNING AS CHERYL - HAD ALL MARRIED AND DIVORCED AND EVEN REMARRIED . SHE HAD ONE , PLUS SIZED SINGLE GIRL WHOM WAS WORKING AND LIVING NEARBY IN AN APT OFF OF NEW BRITIAN AVE IN WEST HARTFORD, CT .

and then, very briefly, was evie , or yvonne , of milford, CT- the plus sized girl whom was so afraid of ever actually meeting for fear that she'd be rejected once I saw how big she was. SHE HAD A LOT TO DO, PERHAPS WAS THE REASON I'D FINALLY GIVEN UP HOPES ON EVER BECOMING THAT FUCKING " MAN" I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY LIVING AS IN LIFE . evie, I met online also and, within 10 days had been given her phone number and told to " call her" ; something which I always fuckin' hated about having to live under the old " gender " ; had all the qualities, seemingly, of my soul mate.

but fuckface here , the former self, blew that apart before it even got to take flight ! she had a family emergency and here, I was so desperate and fearful that I could not believe her; thinking as always that she was a fucking liar! and so, I constantly called and called her, wrote e-mail after e-mail , till that last one in which I said something about how I " am trying to believe that you're being honest but if you are just playing games .....you're a lyin' ass twat. " BANG ! GOODBYE! FUUUUUUUU-UUUUUUUU-CK YOU ASSHOLE !

and I was an asshole back then as " it" . I did not even know how to treat chris , never mind the lady , as a person! I'd tell her she was " my older then me girlfriend" all the time. I REALLY MEAN, WHAT A FUCKING SLAP IN THE FACE ! but this was because I was still, very much, in love with both heather hindall and tori kalish , heather, having searched online for, I learned is now a graphic designer and still living near , or in; her "little shithole fucking redneck town" called middleburg , or maybe in jacksonville ; a huge, more spread out than los angeles , CA , but with maybe 850,000 to 1 million people and still a ,lot of mobile homes in the country all over.

there was I , as the ' M' thing ; slashing my arms with knives and razor blades and trying to kill myself. thinking back while in the shower just eariler tonight, I often wondered why I just did not do a fucking " Lorena Bobbit" on myself like she did to her dickhead of a cheatin' husband??????

right now , not having my vagina and not even able to afford to enjoy everything in life which costs too much money, like sports' games and concerts; I can't even forsee the day when I can pay $275 plus for laser hair removal. and that fucking UGLY " shadow " just makes me feel like I am still not the woman I definitely feel I am inside ! and it is frustrating to say the least , as I feel that, in every way but financial of course; I am ready to be with somebody !

here this woman, Michelle , is well-traveled as part of her business as art dealer and collector . she sounds so interesting in many ways , and I can actually see in her reply to my long e-mail; that she may be the missing link in my life that just may make me more whole .

but I think the biggest thing is this . I now know what I want far as love goes! I always liked women, sexually , which I still do . but , thing is , I NOW LIKE WOMEN MUCH MORE EMOTIONALLY ! I CAN START SLOWLY AS FREINDS FIRST AND , HOPEFULLY , SLOWLY DEVELOP THINGS INTO SOMETHING MUCH MORE . I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT MY SEARCHING FOR SOMEBODY " EXACTLY THE SAME AS ME" WAS WHAT WAS HOLDING ME BACK .

THAT , AND HOW I WAS UNWILLING TO GIVE AND TAKE , TO NEGOTIATE , TO WORK THINGS OUT FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP. BUT MOST OF ALL - I HATED WHAT THE FUCK I WAS! THE ROLE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP WHICH WOMEN EXPECTED ME TO PLAY ; THAT OF DOOR HOLDING DICKHEAD FUCKING " GENTLEMAN" ; SOMETHING EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF OF SHIT WITH A COCK LIKE CHRIS FUCKING BROWN CAN DO IN THE BEGINNING. [ RHIANNA = *POW! BAM! * LIKE AN OLD BATMAN FLICK STARRING CHRIS BROWN AND RHIANNA IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.] and something which in time every fucking married man whom stays married for longer then ten years, is well skilled at doing .

But anyway, she seems to have qualities which are similar to my own , which are very similar ; many of which have simply been " borrowed " over from the former life and then; turned inside out and now come from the female point of view! or is that the angry lesbian point of view? we are both PESSIMISTS , she just more the
" hopeful pessimist " which, in all ways besides the financial and career, self-supporting angle; I am also for the most part. I am a fucking pessimist , very much so, as for some reason, people whom are always " positive" all the time seem to make me more negative. this because they fucking over-react about everything they see as " improper and hurtful" from what I say to the way that I dress in summer ; well as the way I talk forever about everything I can think of talking about and am quite open about my fucking life- which seems to offend and annoy many people.

she says she considerate and respectful of other's feelings, which I am to a good extent in many ways ; but maybe not all as in the " what not to wear " to this and that sense. that and the " what not to say " in this and that mode, something which when it comes to how much I cuss ; all depends on whom I am with and when , truthfully . not that I can not dress up, something which I FUCKING HATED AS THE FORMER SELF! I can and do love wearing a nice, flowing dress which looks nice, the crazier the colors , the better! but mostly I prefer dressing down, more like the country gal from lil' ol' texas or maybe, yreka CA or sweet home , OR .

the one thing she's got, which I do not, is that can do better , willing to work harder spirit in her. this , I guess, because her parents had died in a lane crash when she was young. I, on the other hand, never left home , unlike my sometimes
" cunty" sister, Linda; with her " that's the way it is" shit and her " one size fits all " attitudes toward life.

she is also into fitness , as in the boring diet and aerobic type , much more than
me . so I don't know but I do feel a sense of being much more willing to slow down and allow this feeling to build between us . I really could use someone whom will help me build up the strength to become somebody ; somebody I can talk with and tell all my problems to. somebody whom will be able to accept me for just being me . I am a free spirited type of person and sort of prefer doing things my own way ; rather then by what some fucking asshole boss or other uptight shithead says ! this is why my sister and I do not really get along; why she is fucking useless to me as a fucking sister whom could ever offer any meaningful advice to me!

that all said above, I guess I really do not know . am I scared of love and letting go? in the words of an otherwise unknown woman Governor of alaska named Sarah palin ; one whose political and religious views I can not fucking stand , but who's small town ways of seeing things I actually adore in many ways ; " YOU BETCHA ! " yes, I am afraid , of life, of trying to figure out what michelle learned at an age when many do learn to do , survival . and yes, I am afraid of losing who the fuck I really am . I am the rebel , the hillbilly , the fucking valley girl, and especially, the RIOT GRRL! I AM A MISFIT , JUST LIKE SO MANY COFFEEHOUSE SINGERS AND MUSICIANS ARE ! I AM A SLACKER !

But I now fucking realize that I do need to do something with my life . I was actually looking over the college catalogs for both northern california's college of the Siskiyous in weed and yreka , CA [ siskiyou county , way up north in the siskiyou mtns in a very rural, and still halfway " affordable" to live , area. ] I was also looking through the online catalogs for both umpawua [ sp? ] community college in roseburg, OR well as lane community college in eugene, linn-benton comm. coll . in albany OR .

I'm thinking that maybe I should return to college and either 1. finish up that degree [ 15 credits now, 22 if I was still in florida] and go for that liberal arts degree AA/AAS ? or maybe a certificate to learn how to better start my own business ? or maybe the fucking liberal arts/general studies
" 2-year " degree ; either the ASS, or AS or AA ? college of the siskiyous has an awesome fucking certificate " half degree" in ' e-business and commerce' ! and it is fucking funny that, many years ago when I still lived in florida and even after coming back here, back as the god damn ' M' thing ; after delhi college of tech SUNY dreams went bust because of the trailer's water pipes freezing [ perfect excuse? right? ] ; I wanted to move then to northern CA's siskiyou or trinity
county .

of course she lives down in southern california , a place too close to the big city of LA for me to be happy, really . especially near riverside and san bernardino , CA , mexican-american SHIT HOLES ! where she is , I'm sure is nicer, maybe , but I still could never afford to live there, nor would want to I don't think . maybe I'm just getting myself fucking crazy right now, as who knows if it will even work out in the future?

yeah, I am definitely scared of life and love both ! I should have e-mailed her back, but then again, maybe absence does actually add to the mystery , ' mystery" being something I said I've hated in the past - but maybe something that is good for developing a romantic , online friendship at first ; then seeing where it goes !

there , I think I fucking answered my questions about women , now that I have become one of them thanks to the good lady, "Ms. Estradiol " and the " maneater" beter known as " Father Spironolactone." LOL ! I now understand why women like to take it slower and try to develop something more then just sex ! which was always what I wanted, just something I could never figure out how to , nor was willing to do what it took to get .

and hey, I think that I fucking answered my questions about love! love has to grow slowly , it has to be nurtured and allowed to develop . which , I really feel now that well.......I AM READY TO DO ! I'm kind of glad that I chose to blog about this rather then e-mail her right away , as I think this has been like, ummmm , feedback from the computer screen and fucking major therapy for me!

I'm gonna e-mail this woman and admit that, while we do not have EVERYTHING IN COMMON , we do have quite a few similarities , indeed. besides she's cute , simply looking , a basic easy looking femme with shorter then mine is now, blonde hair. I'm going for it ! my heart says " yes grrl, but sloooooooowwww down , grrl! "
I haven't kissed a girl in so long, and definitely NOT since I made my MTF transition decision! well that one time at the manhattan bar called ruby fruit / rita mae's restaurant [ below], back in may of 2007 [ which felt AWESOME when that Boi lesbian kissed me upon my lips] .

and there's nothing finer then being in love and kissing somebody, to hold her , cuddle for hours. yeah, I'm ready to begin as just online friends and then; see where it goes from there . I just don't want to get hurt again! so tomorrow, I will fucking e-mail this awesome woman , cute and sexy but so lonely like I've been for way too long . who the fuck knows what will be ? but.................................................................QUE SARA SARA WHAT EVER WILL BE WILL BE ? THE FUTURE IS OURS ....TO SEE ....QUE SARA ..SARA! I STILL REMEBER HEARING THAT OLD FUCKING ITALIAN SONG WHEN MY DAD WOULD PLAY IT , HE HAD THE ALBUM , I THINK !

2009-03-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

here is an old photo of some people I remembered from my former high school where I went to in my " past life" as " It" Oropal . this was posted by " Ma" , or Lisa Nacinovich , as she was known back when we all went to NHS and were part of the " patio party crowd" whom often could be found hanging out down on the first set of steps below the patio.

Anyway, the first person on the left - I had guessed correctly , was none other then hank stormer , then newtown hook and ladder volunteer fireman and newtown police explorer; whom later became sgt. stormer of the Newtown police dept as well as the town's fire/police marshall . now retired after like 25 years on the force , he became the fire marshall of Southbury, CT ; where he's lived for many years before I came back to live with mom here in Heritage Village [ as pre-transexual self, and later, as Ms. Cheryl Lynne Oropal!]

a few of the others , well one was named Mac Kovic - this dude whom was fucking killed in a fatal auto crash right before the X-mas holiday back in 1977- my freshman year at Newtown High. I hardly remembered , but I think that was when the four teens were racing to get back to Newtown along route US 6 from the Danbury Mc Donalds near exit 8 [ Newtown Road ] . As I remebered, this was the start of what would be the biggest changes in Newtown High policy for some years to come! policies that would eventually lead to my constantly getting in trouble with both Mrs. Virgina Burke- the bitch of Jewish woman , originally from manhattan, NYC ; whom, as the the newtown H.S. " administrative assistant" , or asst. principal of the 9th and 10th graders, was well known to be seen wearing high fashion women's boots with fake fucking cowgirl spurs on the sides of them! The other assistant principal at the time, Earl J. Smith - also a big fucking asshole especially to a guy we all knew , Bob Mc Laughlin- whom was one of our favorite pot dealers back then. Earl J Smith, the dickhead extrordinaire , would often accuse Bob of " trafficking narcotics" back then. and did everybody ever well know me when I was " Frog" Oropal [ name now which disgusts me as much as those fucking ugly leftover, shrunken testicles which I sincerely wish would get cancer and fucking DIE OFF; taking the god damn hose with them! ] !

I Was constantly in Mrs Burke's office all the time, nearly every week in fact for " violation of the school rules" OR , as Mrs. Burke the bitch often put it ; being insubordinate. fucking Mrs. Burke , I could still hear her hollering soon as she got my worthless, red eyed from the pot I smoked from dawn to dusk every day and stoned out of my mind, ass into her office . she would say to me all the time, " Mistewr Oropal ! YOU HAVE COMMITTED AN ACT OF " INSUBOOORDINTION! " [INSUBORDINATION in that fucking New York Accent] " YOU HAVE SKIPPED 60 CLASSES OF YOUR MATH THIS SEMESTER , THEREFOWURE [ THEREFORE] YOU WILL BE SEVEEERLY [ SEVERELY] PWUNISHED[ PUNISHED] BY THE SCHWOOL
[ SCHOOL] RUWLES [ RULES] !" she would then get all tough acting like the hard core New Yorker Jewish Woman she could be and then add, " THIS IS SERIOUS! SERIOUS! AS A COWENNSE-KEENSE [ CONSEQUENCE] YOU WILL BE SUWSSPENDED [ SUSPENDED ] FOR TWO [ OR FOUR, A WEEK] DAYS! DO YOWU [ YOU] HEWEER [ HEAR] ME MWISTERR? [ mister] "

This Mrs. Burke would literally scream at many of us " troublemakers" in Newtown High School , Sandy Hook, CT as she walked us all i nto her little office; one which was then over toward the middle corridor as one walked into that central office where all the records were kept and the three , school principals all had their offices. on the right was the big, receptionist's desk which behind the records were all kept. this back in the days long before there were computers in use everywhere!

then came the walls with the offices along both sides , on the right just across from that big fucking wooden bench many of us " patio people" all had been very familiar to the point of having ourselves an " intimate relationship" with, so to speak! LMMFAO!

then, on the right and to the left were the doors of each , individual principal and assistant ; the first to right was none other than all of out favorites- MRS. VIRGINIA BURKE - whom lived in southbury on Oak Hill Rd. back then right next door - across the street from this plus sized girl my so called buddies had fixed me up with back then- as I was often the fucking dorky asshole they all used. people like Bobby Johnson [ whom for some reason , the girls all saw as " cute" ] and Larry Dudley , both being kids that should have nothing to say as they were some of the biggest JAILBIRDS NEWTOWN , CONNECTICUT HAD BACK THEN!

I still remember , as " It" along for the ride, when Larry Dudley- about the biggest scumbag drunken fucking redneck you'd ever meet, in my junior year; LITERALLY STOLE A CAR FROM HIS GAY UNCLE , RICHIE; WHOM OWNED THE FORMER ' CLIP N' SHOW' DOG GROOMING PLACE ON DANBURY, CT'S SOUTH STREET! AFTER THE FUCKING JERK , WHOM HAD THE KEYS TO THE GUY'S LINCOLN MARK 8 CONTINENTAL. for three days as the uncle richie of his knew that he stole the car , the Newtown police sort of hesitated arresting LarryDudley- oldest son of five boys whose dad was a diesel mechanic at the former Dolan Company's gravel pit and garage just off bethel, CT's grassy plain road; the definitely homophobic nephew whom richie already had a good feeling stole his car . and so, on the first day, Dudley drove the " hot" Lincoln Contenental up into the back parking lot of NHS ; at which point Bobby Johnson and I got in with him and his girlfriend from Brookfield High School ; a cute looking blonde cheerleader whom also loved to smoke pot and well....FUCK GUYS A LOT!

why else would any girl want to be seen with Larry Dudley ? the oldest , juvenile deliquent son of both a stay at home taking care of his four younger brothers, mother; and hard -working union man, father- whom both often wished that their bastard seed of an older son, Larry; would simply get shot for robbing somebody like he all too often did. both his parents were fuckking west virginia hillbillies and drunks; but unlike larry, were honest and hard working people! they would literally mark their liquor bottles because they KNEW THAT LARRY WAS RAIDING THEIR LIQUOR CABINET ALL THE TIME. AND THEY WOULD NEVER HAVE ANY BOOZE LEFT WHEN THEY'D BRING ALL THEIR COUNTRY MUSIC FRIENDS OVER AFTER THE BROOKFIELD SQUARE DANCES EVER WEEK!

anyway, eventually he did get caught, as Uncle Ritchie, whom I don't even think was his real uncle but just a friend of his parents; wanted to " teach him a very valuable lesson! " But it took both the Newtown, bethel, Danbury, and finally Brookfield police; along with the connecticut state police- THREE FUCKING DAYS TO FINALLY CATCH UP WITH LARRY DUDLEY! WHEN THEY DID, THE NEWTOWN POLICE WERE IN HOT PURSUIT AS THEY CHASED HIM , AS WELL AS HIS GIRLFRIEND AND TWO OTHER GIRLS [ the chubby one whom, as always; I got to briefly " make out with" during my very exciting " male" puberty years [HAH! HAH! WHAT A FUCKING SAD JOKE THEY REALLY WERE! WOMEN SEEMED TO HATE MY FUCKING GUTS, BACK WHEN I WAS THE " M" THING GROWING UP! I JUST DID NOT KNOW HOW TO RELATE TO WOMEN WELL! at least from the boy meets girl perspective of so called " love" , as I seemed to want a girl whom would do all the asking and make all the first moves - SOMETHING THAT ONLY LESBIANS AND WELL....." SLUTS" LIKE THOSE BROOKFIELD HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS , SEEMED TO DO IN THE MALE TO FEMALE RELATIONSHIP SENSE. ]

and so, Larry Dudley CRASHED THAT LINCOLN AFTER A HIGH SPEED CHASE FROM NEWTOWN'S MAIN STREET , OR ROUTE 25 BY THE DICKENSON TOWN PARK ON ELM DRIVE; ALL THE WAY UP CURRITUCK ROAD AND ONTO OBTUSE ROAD, A WINDING, CURVY ROAD WHICH WAS THEN QUITE RURAL , MORE OR LESS [ still is " rural" and NARROW TODAY! WITH $500,000 TO $2 MILLION HOUSES FAR AS THE EYES CAN SEE!] . THEY CHASED HIM , HAVING FUN WHILE DOING IT LIKE THE JERKS THE COPS ALL WERE [ AND IN SOUTHBURY HERE, STILL MOSTLY ARE! ] BACK THEN!

HERE WAS LARRY DUDLEY , DRIVING AT SPEEDS REACHING OVER 90-100 AT TIMES; AT WHICH POINT HE LITERALLY, FROM WHAT BOBBY JOHNSON- RIDING "SHOTGUN" WITH ONE OF THE GIRL FRIENDS OF "CAT" , DUDLEY'S GIRLFRIEND [ in front seat with asshole!] ; DROVE ACROSS ROUTE 133 IN BROOKFIELD . LITERALLY RUNNING SEVERAL WOMEN DRIVERS WITH KIDS DIRECTLY OFF THE ROADS! THIS ESPECIALLY ON OBTUSE ROAD IN BROOKFIELD; AT WHICH TIME GOING MORE THEN 95 MILES AN HOUR;
" PUDLEY" , AS THEY USED TO CALL HIM ; LITERALLY ROLLED RIGHT ACROSS THAT TWO LAND STATE HIGHWAY AT ROUTE 133 AND THEN HEADED UP AT LIKE 85+ MPH ALL THE WAY TO THEN END OF NORTH OBTUSE ROAD.

AT WHICH POINT WITH BOTH BROOKFIELD, NEWTOWN, AND ALL THE STATE POLICE BOTH IN MARKED AND UNMARKED CARS ; AS THEY ALL, LIGHTS FLASHING AND SIRENS GOING; CLOSED IN ON HIM AS THE ROAD CAME TO A " DEAD END" . FROM WHAT BOBBY JOHNSON THEN TOLD EVERY BODY THE NEXT DAY AT NEWTOWN HIGH SCHOOL, ASSHOLE LARRY , WITH BOTH BOBBY AND HIS " DATE" , PLUS HIS GIRLFRIEND; LITERALLY FLOORED THE GAS PEDAL AND THAT LINCOLN WENT AIRBOURNE AS DUDLEY SMASHED IT RIGHT THROUGH A SMALL STONE WALL , THOUGH A BUNCH OF TREES WHICH ALL SNAPPED . HE THEN FINALLY CAME TO REST WHEN THE CAR ROLLED ON ITS SIDE AND LANDED IN A SMALL BROOK . FROM WHAT BOBBY THEN SAID , LARRY , HIM, " CAT" [ CATHY-A REALLY NICE, NOT AT ALL STUCK UP GIRL FROM A VERY WEALTHY FAMILY IN BROOKFIELD] AND CAT'S GIRL FRIEND [ BOBBY'S GIRLFRIEND] ; ALL TRIED TO GET OUT AND THEN; RAN LIKE HELL TOWARD BROOKFIELD HIGH BUT THE POLICE SOON CAUGHT UP WITH LARRY AND ARRESTED HIM FOR GRAND THEFT AUTO!

I FORGOT WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED, BUT I THINK LARRY HAD A BROKEN LEG OR SOMETHING ; OR NOPE, AS THEY ALL RAN TOWARD BROOKFIELD HIGH SCHOOL - WHICH WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THOSE WOODS ; BUT THE POLICE SOON CAUGHT LARRY EITHER AFTER A SHORT CHASE, OR , I THINK; SOON AS HE CAME OUT FROM THE WOODS AS THEY ALL GOT AWAY OR MAYBE WERE ALSO CAUGHT . BOY WAS THIS GIRL'S PARENTS EVER VERY MAD AT HER FOR BEING WITH " THOSE KIND OF BOYS! " ; FROM WHAT I LATER HEARD FROM BIG BRAGGER , BOBBY JOHNSON!

anyway, so back to Mrs. Burke , her office was to the right, the first office as you walked past that wooden bench with more names, sayings like " need a good blow job, call cathy whatever" ; carved into it then anything! then came Earl J. Smith's office directly across from Burke's on the left, I believe; EARL J. SMITH BEING ANOTHER BIG FUCKING ASSHOLE , THE ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL IN CHANGE OF THE " UPPER CLASSMEN" ; OR 11TH AND 12TH GRADE STUDENTS!

and behind Mrs. Burke's office was none other but the hot headed Alvin Cramer's office, this mother fucker with a heart condition whom was, then of course; the HEAD PRINCIPAL OF NEWTOWN HIGH , SANDY HOOK, CONNECTICUT! BUT HE WAS NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS THE FIRST TWO, TO WHOM HE DEDICATED ALL THE SHITTY TASKS OF DEALING WITH ALL OF US " PROBLEM STUDENTS" ; WHICH SURELY INCLUDED ME AS THE FUCKING WORTHLESS LOSER AT LIFE I ALWAYS WAS BACK THEN; AND TILL MY MTF TRANSTION AT THE AGE OF 42!

I had only seen cramer a few times, but both Mrs. Burke and myself , later in my junior year, Mr. Earl J. Smith - were very good " friends" ! I was constantly bounced between the special study hall teachers whom were in charge of all the learning disabled students like myself, and Donna Fox [ Mrs. Fox , as they used back then- NOT Ms. ! ], the guidance counselor whom was in charge of all the special education students; as well as nearly every fucking week getting the wonderful " pleasure" of discussing my school behavioral difficulties with both Mrs. Burke[ 1977-78; 1978-79 school years] and Mr. smith ; whom we all called "EARL J " ! [ 1979-80 or " junior year"] The year in which, by the time I was suspended for 10 days at the end of school year in June; I still had only the amount of high school credits which were just enough to place me halfway through my sophomore year!

I made 8 credits in freshman year , my best year of all three sucky ass years I spent at Newtown high school in fuckked up and stuck the fuck up Newtown , Connecticut! a town filled with mostly cocky ass jock dickheads , potheads whom, except for the " Family" , were mostly bullies and douchbags. and girls whom were either stuck the fuck up the asshole with their well-dressed preppie heads straight up inside their cunts; or something that , as " one of the guys" which you had to act like you were or get your ass beaten badly for being; either " dogs"[ guy and cheerleader talk for " ugly"] or " cows" [ " fat" ] .

but then I maybe got just 5-6 all sophomore year and barely 2-3 in my junior year. and yes, I ALWAYS FAILED PHYSICAL EDUCATION BECAUSE OF THE HARRASSMENT, WELL AS EMBARRASSMENT AND THREATS I WOULD RECIEVE FROM ALL THE FUCKING BAD ASS JOCKSTRAPS , OR " STAR ATHLETES" AS SHITHEAD GYM TEACHERS LIKE FUCKING NORMAN WESTLAKE - THE JERKOFF BASTARD COACH OF NEWTOWN HIGH'S [ THEN] ' INDIANS' FOOTBALL TEAM. I WOULD SIMPLY NEVER BOTHER TO SUIT UP , AS ALL THE GUYS WOULD LITERALLY MAKE ME LOOK LIKE SHIT IN FRONT OF ALL THE GIRLS IN GYM CLASS! THE GIRLS WOULD ALL SAY STUFF LIKE " EEEWWW! GROSS! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE, YOU FUCKING SCUMBAG POTHEAD WITH GREASY HAIR."

and they surely had a point here, as I would often go a full week in the winter without taking a shower or bath; all because , as the " M" thing; I SAW NO FUCKKING WORTHWHILE REASON TO STAY CLEAN AND WELL-GROOMED . MY HAIR STUNK LIKE THE STENCH OF BURNING HAIR BECAUSE OF HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK I'D BURN IT SLIGHTLY WITH THE BIC DISPOSIBLE LIGHTERS WE ALL USED TO LIGHT THOSE FULLY PACKED POT PIPES, OR " BOWLS" WE'D ALL SMOKE OUTSIDE ON THE PATIO ALL DAY LONG EVERY CHANCE WE COULD GET!

I MEAN, WHY SHOULD I HAVE CARED LESS ABOUT MY HYGIENE BACK THEN? I WAS NOTHING MORE THEN A WORTHLESS POTHEAD AND MASSIVE CIGARETTE SMOKER WHOM SMOKED A PACK AND A HALF OF MARBORO REDS A DAY, GIVING AWAY MORE THEN THAT TO ALL THE BULLIES WHOM, LIKE THE BASSOS , ASSHOLE JOHN AND PAUL BASSO , ANYWAY [ THEIR OLDER BROTHER, MIKE, WAS A NICE, HIPPIE DUDE]; EVEN RODNEY CLINTON- THE "TOWN NIGGER" AS HE'D CALL HIMSELF BECAUSE HE WAS ONLY ONE OF THREE BLACK KIDS AT NHS BACK THEN!

I FUCKING HATED MYSELF , SOMETHING I CONTINUED TO DO FOR AS LONG AS I HAD TO SURVIVE LIVING AS THIS " BOY" AND " MAN" I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE BECAUSE OF SOME FUCKING PENIS I HAD BEEN BLESSED , MORE LIKE CURSED WITH ; AT BIRTH! [ SOMETHING MY NOW 87 YEAR OLD MOM IN A FLUSHING, NEW YORK ASSISTED LIVING HOME , STILL CAN NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT WHY I FEEL THIS WAY!]

I WAS NEVER, EVER, GOING TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL IN THIS FUCKED UP WORLD LIVING AS A " MAN" AND THIS I ALREADY REALIZED FROM THE TIME I WAS STILL IN NEWTOWN HIGH SCHOOL . I HATED GYM FOR TWO REASONS; 1. THE TITLE 9 { IX} LAWS WHICH CALLED FOR THE INTEGRATION OF WOMEN AND MEN IN ALL SCHOOL SPORTS' PROGRAMS. THE OTHER? WELL I COULD NEVER PERFORM AS " BOYS" WERE OFTEN EXPECTED TO DO . I COULD NEVER PLAY TEAM SPORTS AND IN FACT, MANY GIRLS WERE MUJCH BETTER ABLE TO THROW A BALL AND CATCH THAT SOFTBALL, ETC.

I WAS CONSIDERED TO BE " RETARDED" BY MANY STUDENTS AND THE FEW THAT LIKED ME - I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE THEM HATE MY GUTS ! THIS ESPECIALLY WHEN KIT CAME TO GIRLS WHOM I SAW AS NOTHING MORE, BACK THEN AS " M" ; ROBOTS WITH CUNTS BETWEEN THEIR LEGS THAT THEY PISSED FROM AND FUCKED GUYS WITH!

YET THE SHIT FUCKING HEADS AT NEWTOWN HIGH, INCLUDING DONNA FOX - MY DITZBALL OF A FUCKING " GUIDANCE" COUNSELOR ; COULD NOT FIGURE OUT THAT I WAS NEVER GOING TO BECOME ANYTHING LIKE " THE OTHER BOYS WERE" . THEY SENT ME TO SOME OLD FUCKKING JERKASS CHILDHOOD PSYCOLOGICAL "EXPERT" NAMED DR. BOWER - THIS ORDERED BY EVE ROMAN , THAT " SHARED TIME PROGRAM" MORON VOCATIONAL REHABILITATION COUNSELOR WITH AN OFFICE BOTH IN DANBURY HIGH SCHOOL , DANBURY , CT ; AS WELL AS NEWTOWN
FUCKING SHITTY ASS HIGH SCHOOL.

THIS FUCKING SHIT-BRAIN GERMAN LADY STILL COULD NEVER FIGURE OUT THAT I SURELY WAS NOT GOING TO MAKE A GREAT AUTO MECHANIC ; SOMETHING WHICH SHE WAS CONVINCED WAS " THE RIGHT VOCATIONAL PATH FOR LITTLE FROGGY TO PURSUE!" AND DONNA FOX JUST DID WHAT SHE COULD AND MOVED ME RIGHT THROUGH THE THREE GRADES EVEN THOUGH I WAS NEVER GOING TO PASS GYM . THE FUCK-BRAINED GYM TEACHERS , NORMAN WESTLAKE , PETE KOHUT, AND ALL THE REST- DID NOT WANT TO ALLOW ME TO TAKE WEIGHT LIFTING , WHICH, AS " IT" THE LOSER FOR LIFE ; MAYBE WOULD HAVE AT LEAST GOTTEN ME THROUGH GYM CLASS REQUIRMENTS OF 8 CREDITS IN FOUR YEARS!

I THINK THEY WERE AFRAID THAT I WOULD HAVE " WRECKED THE WEIGHT ROOM" OR MAYBE , "PICKED UP THE FREE WEIGHT BARBELLS AND THEN; THROWN THEM AT THE OTHER GUYS WHOM CONSTANTLY HARRASSED ME. even Lisa told me, this after first figuring out who I was by by last name after thiking I was maybe Cheryl Bolmer [ my friend Billy's sister ] ; in her words in an e-mail sent from Classmates.com which I temporarily joined till November when I could not afford to do it anymore [ I wanted to instead join match.com in hopes of possibly meeting a nice lesbian/bisexual woman] , " you were really a nice guy but just angry all the time! " I WONDER WHY THIS WAS SO ???????

anyway, so with just 8 credits { 2 credits short of the 10 required to " move up" from 9th to 10th grade } earned in my best year as freshman , another 6, I think, to make 15 total by the end of sophomore year { needed 20 ! } ; they " conditionally" passed me up from grade to grade! yet I had to " pass gym" which was never going to fucking ever happen because I simply would never show for class to avoid the harrassment and co nstant physical threats! it was a fucking joke , Newtown High School was! with just 13 out of the expected 20 ; they again " conditionally passed me" into my junior year with just 13 fucking credits earned!

here my fucking guidance counselor, Donna Fox , whom honestly I'll have to say felt sorry for me every time I came into her office to " discuss my school career" ; condescending , awesome woman that she really was ; would constantly tell me that I had to catch up and pass gym, etc. But did I , as the " M" loser I was? nope , never was going to even come close - as MY ONLY PURPOSE FOR EVEN BOTHERING TO GO TO SCHOOL EVERY MONDAY-FRIDAY WEEK WAS TO GET STONED! in freshman year , Mr Doyle - my english teacher whom really liked me , saw my red eyes and told me something like " you're so smart that it makes me want to cry seeing youj stoned out of youir mind ***** , every day in my class . you could be a great writer someday , but instead you choose to waste away your life like this . "

the truth is, if I had access to A GUN ALL THOSE YEARS, I MAY HAVE JUJST AS WELL TRULY WASTED AWAY MY VERY LIFE WITH ONE PULL OF THAT TRIGGER! ALL THOSE 13 YEARS DOWN I N FLORIDA WHERE GUN S WERE EASY TO GET , YET I DO NOT KNOW WHY I DID NOT JUST FUCKING SIMPLY BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS TO BITS LIKE MY FRIEND RANDY DID BACK IN 1994?????

now all those kids I knew from back then all grew up and became responsible , working adults! homeowners and like tony pantuso, my then best friend, a lawyer with his own fucking practice. mothers and fathers like Lisa later became and now is a divorced twice mom of two kids. something which, I think , if I had been born with MY CUNT and got to instead; grow up as the girl into a woman; I may have become . perhaps getting divorced after two or three abusive marriages , maybe even being " lucky" enough to get killed by my husband strangling me to death one night after a one of our huge fights!

and so, by the time I reached the end of my " junior " year , I maybe had but 19 credits and a school record of behavioral problems; along with a Newtown Police Dept . record- perhaps a mile and a half long! the Newtown cops wanted me to be placed in jail like dudley , but that then police chief , marchese - a bronx, NY Italian like my father whom my dad knew, would look mout after me and constantly say to my father ; " you ought to keep " him" away from all those real losers like Bobby Johnson , Larry Dudley , and Rodney Clinton! If " he" keeps being friends with that kind of trash , " he" will end up where they are all going to end up! "

I HATE TO ADMIT THIS, BUT THEN CHIEF MARCHESE WAS SO RIGHT ABOUT THAT! I LOOK BACK AT THE LOSER OF A LIFE THAT I UNFORTUNATELY LIVED BECAUSE OF THOSE DISGUSTING PARTS I WAS CURSED WITH AT BIRTH- AND I THINK TO MYSELF " WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING LOSERS ALL THOSE SO CALLED " FRIENDS" REALLY WERE! ALL USERS AND ABUSERS, WELL NOT LISA, TONY, BRIAN, OTHERS WITHIN OUR " FAMILY" . THEY, I THINK, WERE SORT OF SCARED OF ME IN SOME WAYS !

anyway, so here comes June of 1980 and I had already skipped over 65 classes of basic high school math , simply because I had NO DESIRE TO DO ANYTHING USEFUL WITH MY LIFE AND WAS DAILY " PRAYING TO GOD" THAT I WOULD GET KILLED IN AN AUTO ACCIDENT LIKE SOME OF THE STUDENTS WE ALL KNEW LIKE MAC KOVAC AND EVAN EBONS, BILL KNAPP; HAD GOTTEN KILLED IN. I DESPERATELY WANTED TO GET RUN OVER ON THAT FUCKING LITTLE MOPED MY FATHER TOLD ME WAS ABOUT THE ONLY THING I WAS EVER GOING TO BE ALLOWED TO DRIVE! ALL I HAD WAS JUST ABOUT 19 CREDITS IN ALL BY THE END OF JUNIOR YEAR!

AND SO, I DID WHAT I THOUGHT WAS THE BEST THING AT THE TIME! I SIMPLY REFUSED TO GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE TO THAT " JAILHOUSE" THAT WAS NEWTOWN HIGH ; A PLACE I WANTED TO SO DESPERATELY GET BACK INTO DURING 8TH GRADE YEAR WHEN I WAS STILL IN THAT STUPID FUCKING SHITHOLE SCHOOL FOR STUDENTS WITH BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS , FUCKING R.E.S.C.U.E. A STATE FUNDED SCHOOL ON HUT HILL ROAD [ NOW AN ALCOHOL REHABILITATION CENTER] SITUATED IN AN OLD FARMHOUSE AND ANOTHER , CEMENT " BARN" HALF IN THE GROUND THAT WAS RUN SIMILAR TO A FUCKING JUVENILE PRISON LIKE LONG LANE- EXCEPT FOR THAT WE ALL GOT TO GO HOME EVERY DAY WHEN " SCHOOL" FINISHED!

THEY EVEN HAD ONE OF THOSE " TIME OUT ROOMS" WHICH WAS DESIGNED JUST LIKE A JAIL CELL, EXCEPT WITH A WOODEN DOOR WE'D OFTEN TRY TO KICK OUR WAY OUT OF WHEN THE THREE FUCKING JERKASS TEACHERS , MR. GIANOTTI-WHOM REALLY WAS A YOUTH PROBATION OFFICER IN NEW HAVEN NIGHTS , MR RUSSELL ? I THINK, A HUGE GUY WHOM WAS FUCKING STRONG AND WOULD NEARLY BEAT YOU UP AS HE LOCKED YOU INTO THAT TIME OUT ROOM . AND MOST OF ALL, I REMEMBER THE PSYCOLOGIST, DR. BRUCE WOOD, WHOM EVERY FUCKING WEDNESDAY NIGHT ; ALL THE PARENTS WHOM WERE INTERESTED IN THEIR CHILD'S " DEVELOPMENT" ; HAD TO ATTEND.

I wanted to see wat it was like to finally attend the " regular high school." which really was NOT all that " normal" with the exception of what I learned about life in general from being there.

1. THAT MANY PEOPLE WERE MEAN ASSHOLES , ESPECIALLY THE BOYS WHOM WERE OFTEN BULLIES.

2. THAT THE SO CALLED " GOOD STUDENTS" WERE REALLY JUST GREAT AT
" KNOWING HOW TO ACT APPROPRIATELY" TO MAKE EVERYBODY ELSE THINK THEY WERE REALLY THE ANGELS THEY REALLY WERE NOT!

3. THAT MOST GIRLS WERE BITCHES AND CUNTS [ seen from then then " male" and , at least I so believed , the " straight male" , perspective - which for so many years I thought I really was with the exception of some bisexual exploration with three , different gay men thrying to figure out who I really was, sexually. ] WOMEN TO ME BACK THEN , I SAW , AS SOMETHING THAT SHOULD HAVE ITS HEAD CHOPPED OFF BY A MONSTER LIKE " JASON" IN FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIES AND THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE; THIS BECAUSE ABOUT THE ONLY USE THEY HAD FOR ANY MAN WAS AS A LIVING AND BREATHING " FUCK DOLL". SOMETHING WHICH YOU FUCK A FEW TIMES, AND THEN THROW OUT INTO THE GARBAGE PAIL! THIS BECAUSE ALL IT[ SHE] WOULD GIVE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP OR IN MARRIAGE WAS PROBLEMS AND MORE, ENDLESS PROBLEMS ! THIS BY TRYING TO CHANGE ME INTO SOMETHING I NE VER WANTED TO BECOME!

3A. YET I LIKED LESBIAN WOMEN! THEY WERE NICE BECAUSE THEY COULD ACCEPT ME AS I WAS. GO FUCKING FIGURE!

3B. THINKING BACK , MAYBE I WAS AFRAID OF BECOMING WHAT NEVER FELT RIGHT FOR ME TO BE - A FUCKING GOD DAMN " BOY" AND A "MAN" ! I SAW THEM ALL AS TWO FACED JERKS ! PEOPLE WHOM, ON ONE HAND, WERE SO MEAN TO OTHER GUYS , LATER ON AS ADULTHOOD CAME, AS CONSTANTLY COMPETITIVE ALL THE TIME. YET, WHEN THEY WERE AROUND WOMEN, THESE SAME " STRAIGHT" MEN BECAME SO NICE TO THE WOMEN; ESPECIALLY IF SHE WAS THEIR GIRLFRIEND OR THEIR WIFE! WHEN IT CAME TO ME, WHOM NEVER KNEW HOW " TO ACT RIGHT AROUND WOMEN/GIRLS" AND " TREAT A LADY WITH RESPECT"; BOTH THINGS I SAW AS NOT WORTH THE COM PROMKISE AND THEREFORE; NOT WORTH DOING FOR ANY
" WORTHLESS BITCH" ; THEY OFTEN WANTED TO BASH MY BRAINS IN BY KICKING MY ASS TO KINGDOM COME!

4. which leads me to saying that what I really learned in those four fucking shitty ass years at Newtown high school in sandy hook, CT was this . THAT MOST HUMAN BEINGS, BOTH MEN AND WOMEN , ALL FUCKING SUCKED AND WERE OUT TO GET ME! I HATED THE JOCKS, THE PREPS, THE GIRLS [ MOST OF THEM WITH THE EXCEPTIONS OF A FEW , KEWL HIPPIE GIRLS LIKE LISA NACINOVICH WHOM WERE KIND] . BUT MOSTLY, I FUCKING HATED ME! I HATED BEING ALIVE!

and so, come the end of that junior year at Newtown High School , here was I as the " M" thing, with just about 18-19 credits toward the 40 needed to ever graduate, none of which were from physical ed { 0 credits! } . come that next september , I just very simply refused to go to school, but my dad also refused to fucking sign that drop out form ; fearing that I was fixing to just waste my life away without the needed high school diploma ! [ he was right!] here I was about to get hired by the new alcohol rehabilitation center opening on albert's hill road in sandy hook, CT - EAGLE HILL AT NEWTOWN . this for just $4.00 an hour as a dishwasher ! about all I saw myself ever being good for back then.

but my dad would NOT sign that form, instead calling the school and saying to Donna Fox [ not smith, as I originally remembered] and all the others like Earl J. Smith " you owe my " son" an education because Connecticut law, says Bruce Wood - must by law educate those whom are handicapped untill they are 21. I WANT THE TOWN TO PAY FOR " HIM" TO GO TO A PRIVATE SCHOOL , SOMETHING THEY TOLD MY PARENTS AT THE FORMER LOCATION OF THE NEWTOWN BOARD OF EDUCATION - WHICH WAS NEXT TO NEWTOWN MIDDLE SCHOOL ON QUEEN STREET NEXT DOOR TO THE [ THEN] GRAND UNION SUPERMARKET AND THE BANK/TELEPHONE CO. [ NOW WACHOVIA BANK]

THE TOWN REFUSED TO DO THIS, THOUGH , AT WHICH TIME MY PARENTS WHOM KEPT ON FIGHTING EVERYBODY ; FINALLY GAVE IN AND OFFERED TO PAY FOR A TUTOR TO COME TO MY HOUSE AND BOTH TEACH ME HIGH SCHOOL SUBJECTS , IN CASE I WANTED TO RETURN TO N.H.S. , WHICH I DID NOT; AND ALSO IN G.E.D. STUDIES ; THIS IF I SO CHOSE TO INSTEAD GET MY GENERAL EQUIVALENCY DIPLOMA - THE CONNECTICUT GED. SOMETHING WHICH I ENDED UP TAKING THE TEST FOR AFTER THAT " SENIOR" YEAR
{ 1980-81} AND SO, GOT THE DIPLOMA!

MY DAD SURELY WAS RIGHT AFTER ALL, AS WITH THAT, I WAS ABLE TO GET ADMITTED, AS THAT FORMER " M" THING; TO BOTH NORWALK STATE TECHNICAL COLLEGE [ NOW NORWALK COMMUNITY-TECH] ; AS WELL AS DOWN IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA WHERE I LIVED STILL WITH MY NOW RETIRED PARENTS- INTO VALENCIA COMMUNITY COLLEGE! AT WHICH TIME I GOT 22 COLLEGE LEVEL CREDITS IN ALL FROM 1990 THROUGH 1994.

NOW BACK TO THAT PICTURE WHICH LISA POSTED ON FACEBOOK.
I was right about the guy on the left! it was henry " Hank" Stormer- now the southbury fire marshall, then first Newtown police officer turned sergeant before finally retiring after like 25 years. THAT GUY GOT MORE FUCKING PUSSY AND , IN FACT; WAS THE ONE WHOM FOR A WHOLE YEAR BETWEEN THE SUMMER AFTER MY FRESHMAN YEAR RIGHT THROUGH THE END OF SOPHOMORE YEAR- WAS GOING STEADY WITH THAT SAME GIRL, CINDY !

THE SAME CINDY WITH WHOM TONY AQUINO , A SUPPOSED " BEST FRIEND" OF MINE WHOM WOULD OFTEN SPREAD RUMORS ABOUT WHAT A LOSER I WAS ALL OVER FUCKING TOWN AND ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THE GIRLS HE KNEW; AFTER FIRST FIXING ME UP WITH HER AT WHICH TIME, I REMEMBER SHOWING HER MY DIME BAG [ $10 QUARTER OUNCE!] , SHE THEN TOLD TONY WHAT A " FUCKING RETARD AND FAGGOT WHOM DID NOT KNOW HOW TO TREAT A LADY" ; AND TONY THEN TURNING ON ME LIKE A VICIOUS BASTARD! YEAH, IN NEWTOWN , CON NECTICUT, IT SEEMED AS KIF ALL THE MACHO MEN FUCKING " HEROES" GOT ALL THE MUFFIN!

speak of TONY aquino???? asshole !!!!

Also in it, 4th dude in front, was Vince Aquino, the older brother of Tony , my two-faced so called "friend" whom literally made a complete asshole out of me after I , as the fucking " M" thing I was back then; fucked up this date with Cindy - some girl from Newtown Middle School 8th grade that he " fixed me up with" and I fucking " acted like the retard whom did not know how to treat a lady " when we briefly dated for one date!

IT WAS RIGHT THEN THAT I SWORE TO HATE EVERY FUCKING WOMAN'S GUTS FOR THE REST OF MY MOTHER FUCKING LIFE TILL THE DAY I FINALLY FUCKING DIED! I HATED HAVING TO TREAT WOMEN LIKE THEY WERE DIFFERENT- I WANTED EVERYTHING TO BE EXACTLY THE SAME, AS IN " YOU AND I ARE THE SAME THING." [ WHICH, SINCE COMING OUT AS TRANSEXUAL AND GOI NG ON HORMONES/ESTROGEN AND ANDROGEN BLOCKERS- I LEARNED WAS NOT THE WAY THAT IT IS. I ACTED MORE LIKE THE WOMAN/GIRL; THEN THE OTHER BOYS/MEN ; AND SO, WHY THEY ALL CALLED ME A FAGGOT AND " GAY" ALL THE TIME!

and on the end the one whom I though was the former me back then- as I was well-known for always walking, standing, with my hands either in my pockets ; was Billy Bolmer [ whose sister, Cheryl , was whom at first Lisa had mistaken me for when she saw CHERYL LYNNE OROPAL in classmates.com ] .

the other names are all answered in Lisa's blog on facebook , which if y'all go to www.facebook.com and search for Cheryl Lynne Oropal - you will see under the " my friends" column. I had forgotten many of them but I guess they all were firefighters in Newtown, which I know that henry " hank" stormer was. yes, back then he was also a partier just like the rest of us , but now he is all grown up and has a family of his own.

after showing up at my unofficial " NEWTOWN HIGH SCHOOL, INFORMAL
' FAMILY' REUNION " , I now fucking realize that my life has really passed me by and I never even came close to knowing, for example; what having a long term relationship and being truly, deeply in love - REALLY FEELS LIKE!

I WAS NEVER GOI NG TO BECOME THE FUCKING " FATHER" IN LIFE! I COULD NEVER EVEN, AS THE " M" THING, MAKE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH ANY WOMAN, EVEN THAT FUCKING MENTALLY ILL FUCK UP NAMED CHRIS LARSON-STANKOWSKI OF WEST HARTFORD, CT ; LAST LONGER THAN A YEAR! I NEVER WAS GOING TO BECOME MARRIED, BE THE HOMEOWNER, PARENT, BE EVEN THE RESPONSIBLE , TAXPAYING MEMBER OF SOCIETY .

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF I EVER WILL BECOME ANYTHING LIKE THAT? BUT I HAVE TO BE THE ONLY TRANSSEXUAL, BIOLOGICAL "MALE TO FEMALE" FROM OUR DECADE BACK IN NEWTOWN HIGH SCHOOL IN SANDY HOOK, CT. I A M THINKING SERIOUSLY ABOUT, ONCE I GET TO THAT PLACE OUT WEST WHERE I WILL FINALLY FEEL HAPPY ABOUT LIFE ; ABOUT RETURNING TO FINISH UP, MAYBE; THE REST OF THOSE 45 OR SO COLLEGE CREDITS FROM VALENCIA I HAD GOTTEN ; BUT LOST A FEW OF WHEN I TRANSFERRED FROM VAELNCIA IN FLA. TO NAUGATUCK VALLEY COMMUNITY TECHNICAL COLLEGE HERE IN WATERBURY, CONNECTICUT.

and so, this is who the fuck I now am pictured below. my hair is much longer , way more feminine then that greasy, long haired fucking SCUMBAG I WAS AS " FROG" BACK AT NEWTOWN HIGH SCHOOL! I Take PRIDE in my appearance as Cheryl , and while not exactly being more then maybe 60-70% " passable" as a woman because of that left over " shadow" I still can not afford to remove; I fucking feel halfway " pretty" !

as christina aguliera says in her song " I am so beautiful" , this as long as I think that I am beautiful . even the most butch DYKE is beautiful in her very own special way!

and if I met her, we became the best of friends, first, and then more eventually maybe leading to something really long term, maybe even LGBT marriage ? I SWEAR THAT I WOULD TELL HER EVERY FUCKING DAY THAT WE REMAINED TOGETHER , IF FOR LIFE - THAT SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL ! THAT I FUCKKING LOVED HER AND WOULD DO SO TILL DEATH DID US PART!

all this being something that I never was willing to do before . but I now am , maybe because finally , I have now come to , somewhat at least; come to love myself first! my hair is getting to look more and more like the women I now see via facebook that Lisa has done her damndest to bring back together .

I am now coming to consider myself to be just another Low- feminine woman ; one with a somewhat " Dyke-ish" attitude - as I still fucking say fuck! shit! God damn mother fuck! I still call the cunt a cunt and a pussy , a pussy . I only wish that I had mine or the money to get the SRS so as to get my cunt! But I more often call it a " muffin" , and I have come to realize that I no longer miss that heterosexual sex act called " sexual intercourse" anymore! I don't even want that anymore ! not that I even could anymore after nearly three years of hormonal reassignment therapy!

when I see a woman I am attracted to , the first thing I think of, besides first seeing her as ANOTHER HUMAN BEING JUST LIKE MYSELF - FIRST AND FOREMOST! ; is this. the words slip out of my mouth as I say " wow! she is so sexy ! so hot , so smart ! I'd love to lick her muff! snatch! puss! whatever."

but I then quickly realize that I really want so much more then just sex. I want to find somebody who m I could talk to, tell all my business, unload all of my baggage from both my pre-transition , and current life , with. and if needed, I am now willing to do what the fuck it really takes to both bring this about in life; as well as if and when it ever happens - DO WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE IT LAST FOREVER! RIGHT THERE, I THINK THAT IS GROWTH!
Cheryl at the January open mike at hudson valley writers center.

second from the right in this photo-above, is that fucking jerk of a resident state trooper whom, as my former self, choose to accuse me of " starting a fight" with my assaulters , Cody Labrie, David Eisenbach [ Ron's bastard son] , all with Kenny Berry of Middlebury watching and doing nothing. here is sergeant ken kramer- busy with the others above and planning for the upcoming Memorial Day parade. what this fucking CORRUPTION-MINDED ASSHOLE OUGHT TO BE PLANNING FOR IS HIS BIG FUCKING SEND OFF INTO " STATE POLICEMAN'S HEAVEN " ; WHEREVER THEY SEND OLD COPS WHEN THEY ARE PROVED USELESS.

SOUTHBURY MAY JUST FINALLY GET THEIR OWN, PROFESSIONAL , TOWN RUN POLICE DEPARTMENT LIKE NEWTOWN, NEXT TOWN OVER; HAS HAD SINCE 1972! AND WHEN THEY DO, THEY NEED TO TELL THIS FUCKING CREEP THAT IT IS HIGH TIME THAT HE TOOK HIS GOD DAMN RETIREMENT
PENSION! GET THE FUCK OUT AND OFF THE FORCE AND GO RIDE YOUR HARLEY DAVIDSON! YOU FUCKING CORRUPT, MACHO MAN COP!

2009-03-05T23:47:00.000-08:00

2009-02-26T21:27:00.000-08:00

yeah it'd surely be nice to show off the ole titties again in that sports' bra and cami! LOL . what I think about when I see myself in all these heavy winter clothes like featured above . then again, I'll have to shave those hairy [ but not so bad ] legs again along with those feminist looking armpits ! no offense, Jessica valenti of feministing.com- gotta be honest and say that I love those hairy pits of your as much as I love that saucy like mine mouth!

anyway , last night I went up to Litchfield CT about 18 miles north of southbury , to the oliver wolcott public library; seems like every fucking thing in connecticut's named after this and that fucking patriot person from the olden days ! anyway, Love makes A Family - a group here in CT dedicated to the rights of us gays,lesbians,bi's,and transgenders ; had a presentation on marriage codification- solidifying the recent passing of the same sex marriage law into PERMANENT LAW here in conn.

That and the hopeful passage this year of the " gender identity and expression act of 2009" , a bill they'd already introduced 2 times , last year-2008 and 2007 ; one which has yet to come close to passing . and this year, says Ann Stanback of Love makes A family , it just might; as, believe it or not, it has both the blessing of the Connecticut Council of catholics and the moderate Republican governor , M. Jodi Rell . two problems it has , though . one being this fucking douch fucking bag of a state senator up in a town called canton , CT , I forgot his name but he is a REPUBLICAN ASSHOLE ; as well as a fucking COP with the canton police dept and a fucking fireMAN .

" I have no problem with voting yes on this bill" he said, adding " as long as it includes a restroom exception cause I fear that if we let them use the opposite sex's bathrooms; men will dress up as women so they can go in and sexually assault women and children , expose themselves, etc. I'VE SEEN IT ALL THE TIME IN MY LINE OF WORK AS A POLICE OFFICER , I TELL YOU ! ALL I WANT TO DO IS PROTECT WOMEN AND CHILDREN FROM NEEDLESS HARM! "

THIS FUCKING DOUCHBAG REMINDS ME OF THOSE FUCKING ASSHOLE WOMEN , THE CONCERNED WOMEN FOR AMERICA, WHEN THEY TRIED LIKE HELL TO GET THE GENDER IDENTITY LAW OVERTURNED IN OTHERWISE LIBERAL , MONTGOMERY CO. , MARYLAND . I MEAN DOES THIS STUPID FUCKING SON OF A REDNECK BITCH REALLY THINK FOR EVEN ONE HALF A MINUTE; THAT SOME FUCKING RESTROOM DOOR WITH THAT " DRESS" AND SIGN READING " WOMEN" ON IT; IS REALLY GOING TO STOP ANY RAPIST OR PEDOPHILE FROM WALKING THE FUCK IN AND COMITTING A CRIME AGAINST ANY WOMAN??????? WHAT A FUCKING JERK!!!!!!!!

IF ANYTHING, IT WILL NOT STOP THAT CUSTODIAN FROM HIDING IN THE NEXT EMPTY TOILET STALL AND, WHEN A WOMAN WANTING TO USE THE WOMEN'S ROOM YELLS " ANYBODY IN HERE?" ; HE DOES NOT SAY A WORD BUT HAS CELL PHONE CAMERA READY IN HAND WHILE HE SITS QUIETLY UPON TOILET BOWL AND THEN; " UPSKIRTS" HER AS SHE URINATES FROM HER PUSSY! Years ago, when I would watch those peep videos you can buy at any adult video store like Erotic Emporium , I remember reading some custodian's comments whom submitted the video of a woman in the Ormond Beach public beach restroom . " BEING A JANITOR DOES NOT ALWAYS SUCK! " , WERE JUST HIS COMMENTS AS HIS " SECRET CAMERA " , COMPLETE WITH SOUND BITES ; LITERALLY CAPTURED HER MUFFIN IN FULL VIEW AS SHE " TINKLED" INTO THE TOILET BOWL'S WATER FOR THE " CANDID CAMERA" . I GUESS IT HELPED HIM PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE, AS DOES ONE REALLY THINK ONE CAN ACTUALLY LIVE ON A $7.00 AN HOUR CUSTODIAN JOB????

after all, how do you think I " learned my role " as a transsexual and how to sit and do it just right? those family medical encyclopedias with descriptive pictures, standing/sitting close to many unisex restroom doors in places such as the old Danbury, CT Library and secretly " listening to her tinkle" ; and yes, those videos I'd buy and watch . That and being a custodian myself at the interstate 4 disney rest area eastbound near Orlando, FL back in 1996 , when, while cleaning the women's rooms ; I had one or the other closed off and would get plenty of ample time to " practice being a lady" and sitting down to pee ; all the while overhearing the women peeing on the other , still-open and in-use side from the partition up by the roof.

call me a " pervert" and all if you'd like to when you hear about what I often did in my " former life " as the " M" thing . But all the while , there I was upon going home , pulling out my pictures from Hustler magazine of women siting on that toilet and peeing ; at which time I'd often masturbate and close my eyes ; fantasizing as to what it would feel like to have a cunt all my very own! even though I was always mostly attracted to women , unable to get them because I could never connect on a deeper, more emotional and platonic level ; I would sometimes wonder just what it would feel like to open wide my legs and feel some man stick his cock inside my twat really hard and fast!

I envied women , how they could literally make some man " dance" for them , buy them all sorts of fancy, expensive gifts and take them to an overpriced, traditionally " romantic" dinner for two ; all so he could " score" what he was looking for; the cunt! I would often wish that I had that big, gorgeous , stinky wet cunt to offer some rich mother fucker of a man , somebody like a lawyer or doctor whom could " provide me with free accomidations ' in his beautiful, lakefront house on three acres in Winter park or maitland , Florida!

Just like all those aging beauties at the winter park alcoholics anonymous meetings I attended at the Green House at 298 West Morse Blvd. in winter park ; later to move up into the lake howell crossings shopping center next to the Olan Mills Photography studios and close by to the winn dixie supermarket on lake howell /howell branch road just a 3/4 mile walk from SR 436 or semoran blvd.

all those yuppie queens with lines and well-defined wrinkles across their faces, living high like Pig Von Shit on the hog after fucking the stupid son of a bitch for the past 15 years , having his children and doing his laundry. then, after divorcing, going to many AA meetings for the self-help they seemed to be seeking ; ALONG WITH A NEW JACKASS TO BUY THEM THEIR NEXT JAGUAR! speak of which, where else do you think I learned my role as " secret woman" ? at those fucking AA, NA,CA,CODA,EA meetings I attended, which also helped me find myself and realize just how much in common I had, emotionally , with women in general.

A LOT SURELY HAS CHANGED IN THE PAST 20 OR SO YEARS SINCE MY " SELF-DISCOVERY" INSIDE THAT UNISEX RESTROOM AT FLORIDA HOSPITAL SOUTH'S BEHAVIORAL CENTER IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA! I NOW KNOW WHAT HAVING MY OWN SET OF TITTIES FEELS LIKE ! THAT , AND GOING TO THE WOMAN'S ROOM IS REALLY NO LONGER ANYTHING " EXCITING " , JUST A HASSLE SOMETIMES WITH THE TUCKING OF THOSE UGLY " PARTS" WHEN I PULL DOWN MY PANTS, SIT DOWN TO PEE .

anyway, back to that Love makes a family information and activist session at the oliver wolcott library up in Litchfield , CT. well from what
anne said , the governor just may sign it once it passes both the state senate and the two houses here in hartford, which is where the headquarters of Love makes a Family is located on west farmington ave near the dunkin donuts and tapia - a bar with one gay night every weds. during the week. I was interested in seeing maybe what I could fucking do to help there, as well as listen to that informative presentation by both matt of LMF -CT along with this transwoman , like myself, but much more passable and post operation ; a lawyer of course!

It was killer and all , true; but I later began to feel the same way I've always done around people here in fucking connecticut , including the gay and lesbian crowd . I felt shunned as if I was " inappropriate " and did not know how to " socialize properly" , which when it comes to these fucking uptight professionals , ESPECIALLY THE WOMEN ; I really do not know my so called " social skills " as well as they all seem to do ! often , I feel like they do not even give me half the chance to be friendly , instead making me feel that everything I say is " wrong" and " negative" . sometimes I'd love to say to many people this. " WHY THE FUCK DO Y'ALL THINK I AM SO NEGATIVE? MAYBE IT IS ALL OF Y'ALL WHOM ARE SO FUCKING GOD DAMN CONCEITED AND SO " SERIOUS" AND " UPTIGHT" THAT MAKES ME THE WAY THAT I OFTEN AM!

ANYWAY, WHAT DID THEY USED TO SAY ALL THE TIME AT THOSE FUCKING AA MEETINGS ? PRINCIPLES OVER PERSONALITIES ! ONLY THING IS WITH ME IT ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE I AM ABOUT " PERSONALITIES OVER PRINCIPLES! "

this is why I do not feel like often doing anything with others in real life beyond those poetry open mike nights ! I never feel that I am allowed to make myself feel like I am a welcome addition to any group! and so, when it comes to doing any feminist and LGBT activism , ESPECIALLY HERE IN FUCKING " PROFESSIONAL ALL THE TIME " CONNECTICUT ; I'd simply rather just sit at home here by my fucking desktop P.C. and do all my activism by means of the internet!

but I still may do a few things volunteering for Love makes a family . I'm still a little mad at them for not ever sending me those flyers I was supposed to recieve in the mail so I could do volunteer work on election day ! the girl whom answered that phone that day when I had asked if they ever got them in, copped a fucking attitude toward me for no real reason ! after last night's community meeting in Litchfield , I forgot her name, but I have the strong feeling that it was that fucking chick there , the tall lesbian woman with the black hair tied back in that preppy bitch ponytail style , her stupid fucking " western silver" jewelry and earrings to match doing a fine job to highlight her STUCK THE FUCK UP " TWATHOLE SUFFERING FROM YEAST INFECTION" ATTITUDE!!! FUCKING BITCH!

and this is supposed to make me really want to care about any of the LGBT's here in connecticut ? jerimarie L. with her fucking 20 mins of advice to help me get that driver's license as the female ? I'm trying to not " hate " anybody as best that I could. but how the fuck I'm I supposed to feel around people whom make me feel " wrong" for being the person that I am , this both before and after my transition into a transsexual woman ? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WANT TO EVEN DO ANYTHING TO HELP OUT A CAUSE WHICH IS IMPORTANT TO ME ?

MAYBE THIS IS JUST ANOTHER REASON I AM READY TO FLY, TO LEAVE THIS FUCKING PLACE CALLED CONNECTICUT, WHICH, WHILE VERY PRETTY WITH ALL OF IT'S SCENIC TOWN GREENS AND STATE PARKS FULL OF HIKING TRAILS AND RECREATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES ; IS JUST AN IMPOSSIBLE PLACE TO EVEN COME HALFWAY CLOSE TO GETTING CLOSE TO OTHER PEOPLE WITHOUT SERVERLY COMPROMISING JUST WHO THE FUCK I REALLY AM . THIS PLACE IS GREAT FOR HIGH PAID, SERIOUS ALL THE TIME, YUPPIE PROFESSIONALS WHOM HAVE THE MONEY TO LIVE IT UP , AS WELL AS FOR PEOPLE WHOM FEEL A CLOSE PART OF THE LOCAL COMMUNITY THEY'VE BEEN LIVING IN FOR MOST OF THEIR LIVES AND THE GOD DAMN SOCCER MOMS WHOM WALK ALONG SOUTHBURY'S MAIN STREET SOUTH, WOODBURY'S HISTORIC MAIN STREET FULL OF FUCKING ART GALLERIES AND ANTIQUE SHOPS , OVERPRICED COUNTRY INNS FOR THE SHIT DOES NOT SMELL CROWD!

ALL OF WHICH IS DEFINITELY NOT ME, NOR WILL EVER BE! ASK ME WHQAT I THINK ABOUT MOST COLLEGE EDUCATED SCHMOOZES AND I WILL TELL YOU THAT THEY ARE MOSTLY A BUNCH OF UPTIGHT, SERIOUS AND " RESPONSIBLE" ALL THE TIME, FUCKING PHONIES!

and so, what else ? well on sunday night at 7:30 , I finally got that personal ad finished on match.com ; four weeks after I decided to spend more money than I had to join for the full six months at $107.95 ; which is like only $17.95 per month and supposedly they offer this " six month guarantee" that you will meet somebody or else; they extend your six month membership another six months! The catch? well you have to send at least 5 different e-mails , via match.com, to its many members whom interest you .

so far I've sent two , one to this woman whom I saw , was one of about five whom browsed my profile . the other was to a 51 year old lesbian woman from stamford CT whom I sent a " wink" to some three weeks ago but could not e-mail untill I finished and posted /had approved; my personal ad. It was a real bitch to try and get what I wanted to say about myself for the INTRO into less then 4,000 characters! that included spaces and all numbers and punctuation ! which of course my so smart sister , when I sent the final ad, had to say that " I disclose to much information" at first and " take away the mystery " for those whom would answer. that, and " nobody reads after the first 200 words" was her finishing reply.

TO WHICH I SAY FUCK HER! AND GFUCK EVERYBODY ELSE WITH THEIR GOD DAMN " MYSTERY" SHIT DURING THE BEGINNING OF ANY RELATIONSHIP! she does have avery good point, as this is what, I think, people in general do NOT like about me in any social situation. I AM NOT ONE OF THESE " PRIVATE" PERSONS WHOM IS ABOUT TAKING FIVE THOUSAND YEARS TO GET TO KNOW OTHERS AND BECOME FRIENDS FIRST!

thinking about it. this is why those fucking people at Love Makes a family shunned me last night , but the only thing it seems to do and has done all my life both before and after my transition is this . I become so sick of being around fucking people that I simply just learn to isolate even more and instead, hide behind this computer screen where I can be the social activist and all else and DO NOT NEED ANYBODY IN MY PERSONAL LIFE WHOM EXPECTS ME TO ACT LIKE A PART OF THEIR FUCKING WORTHLESS " GROUP THIS AND THAT" .

and maybe, just maybe , it is working an match.com, as so far I've got to admit that one woman said what I often feel inside about people in general and how they do little more then give a wink or send her an e-mail . she is so right when she said how people seem to be looking for that " one and only" and just can not simply be friends first, if nothing more ever comes of it.

funny how I now can understand just what she means , but before transition, I was one of those " all or nothing" people whom wanted that happily ever after . BUT I never was so uptight and scared like many others are , or at least seem to be. which makes sense because we hear about all these sexual and other assaults on women in america , including TRANSSEXUAL WOMEN! [ I think we've got it ten times worse! ] I'm a N.O.W. member and hell, I fucking know how easy it is for a women to be assaulted and raped .

AND THIS IS A TRUE FACT, SADLY VERY TRUE. MOST, 97% OF ALL SEXUAL AND OTHER ASSAULTS TO WOMEN , INCLUDING PRE-OPERATION TRANSWOMEN WHOM ARE EVEN AT GREATER RISK BECAUSE OF THE WAY MEN SEEM TO THINK OF US AS "WOMEN WITHOUT PUSSIES" ; ARE DONE BY SOMEBODY SHE KNOWS EITHER IN A DATING /RELATIONSHIP SITUATION, OR BY A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER SUCH AS AN UNCLE OR COUSIN , FATHER , ETC. MUCH LIKE 95% OF ALL CHILD KIDNAPPINGS ARE DONE BY SOME EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBER OR SOMEBODY THE CHILD KNOWS . THIS EVEN THOUGH LESS THAN 1/4 OF THE VIOLENT ACTS AGAINST WOMEN AND CHILDREN TOLD OF ON TV NEWS ACTUALLY HAPPEN HERE IN AMERICA!

And so, you just got to be aware of your surroundings , sort of like when I was at that fucking 2007 Columbia county fair in small town, Chatham, New York; when, upon leaving, that same fucking redneck jerk whom asked me " are you a man or a woman?" ; was there at the convenience store-gas station at the SR 66/SR 206 corner by that traffic light . when, after I went inside that store to buy some soda and pay for my gas purchase , the fucking dickhead literally asked me " are you alone ? " and when I was STUPID ENOUGH TO SAY I WAS; then asked me " so do you want to go have some fun or something? "

I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS LESBIAN AND INTO GIRLS AND WAS GOING TO SEE MY GIRLFRIEND ; A TALL WELL-BUILT DYKE WHOM WAS A NEW YORK STATE TROOPER! SOMETHING LIKE THAT , ANYWAY! HE GOT THE MESSAGE AND LEFT ME THE FUCK ALONE! interestingly enough , when I got back home and read the next day , that local Columbia County NY newspaper, the CHATHAM COURIER - there was this artile right there on the front page about some fucking man in his 30's whom would call women all over Chatham and then ask them " do you live alone ??? "

CREEPY! REALLY CREEPY ! AND FOR ALL I KNEW, THAT WAS POSSIBLY THE CREEP HIMSELF! A GREASY , FAT ASSED HILLBILLY MOTHER FUCKER WEARING AN AUTO BODY SHOP'S TEE SHIRT , GREASY OLD TRACTOR CAP, FADED JEANS ; THE TYPICAL SMALL TOWN GOOD OLE BOY LOOK! AND FOR ALL THAT I KNEW, HIS IDEA OF " US HAVING FUN" WOULD HAVE BEEN TO DRAG ME OUT INTO THE BARN WITH HIS HILLBILLY BUDDIES AND THEN, BASHED MY BRAINS IN WITH THE TIRE IRON AFTER BRUTALLY SEXUALLY ASSAULTING ME !!!!

so it always pays to meet for the first time in some public place, cause you never know what creepy people exist even in some small town like Chatham NY -about 5,000 total including the village and the fairly large, spread out even farther then newtown or new milford, CT ; town of chatham. I BET THAT WAS THE FUCKING CREEP CALLING THOSE SINGLE AND DIVORCED WOMEN ALL OVER CHATHAM TOWN , TOO!!!! CREEEEEEEE-PY ! VERY CREEPY !

But if anything, I simply look foward to maybe finding a local friend or two , nothing really more. maybe something long distance out west which may or may not eventually lead to something more like love ? I need to learn how to just become friends with a woman , now is the time to begin! wish me luck, y'all !

2009-02-19T11:18:00.000-08:00

is this the fuckin' burger or what [ see above] ? yeah, the Carl's Jr. ' Six Dollar burger' , usually around four dollars or so at any Carl's Jr. not so fast food restaurant .[ meaning they cook it fresh like at Connecticut's Dutchess fast food places - www.dutchess.com] anyway, carl's Jr seems to be like all over out in the great big west , Cali-fucking-fornia especially, but also oregon and washington state , arizona[ home of the most sorry assed old cock-biter in America- the DISHONORABLE SENATOR JOHN MC CAIN! whom voted " nay" to both the fair pay for women act and Obama's new stimulus!] , new mexico, colorado, mormon asshole Utah, nevada and texas as well.

go to www.carlsjr.com/menu for more information; as BEEF ! IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER! [ tm] at the house of Mrs. & Mrs. Cheryl Lynne Oropal - Doe ! [ haven't figured out and fallen in love with the " Mrs. Doe" part yet ;-) ]

yeah, I'm stillvery much the PIG when it comes to eating out! or even eating in , come to think of it. I am NOT one to go to some gag me with a fucking spoon , high priced restaurant like tavern On The Green on New York City's Central Park , or maybe the fucking Olive Tree restaurant right here in Southbury on the heritage Village Golf Course- a place where all the dressed to impress yuppie men take their wives and girlfriends to impress them with what a " real gentleman" they are and yes; piss away an easy $100 plus on some Valentine's day dinner or whatever!

Of course, we all know that even in these post - feminism times, that the " guy is still supposed to pay for the fucking first date " [ Goddess, it is great to be a WOMAN and a lesbian woman at that! ] . at least this being what all these so called fucking " relationship advice columnists" many , if not all of them being WOMEN ; still seem to offer as great advice for the novice at dating whom finds the very thought of [ bullshit! ] " chivilary" confusing in these long after Gloria Steinhem supposedly " burned her bra" , post feminist days. [ I am referring to that fucking woman dating advice expert on fucking Match.com of course! {www.match.com} whose very " modern" advice I read, as well as this chick named Karen Ali whom once wrote for the Danbury CT News Times on friday with her column titled " Goddess of Love" ] .

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SO MANY [ heterosexual] WOMEN
TODAY ??? is the first thing I've got to ask when I read some of these dumb ass, backwards bitches' columns like that gold digging skank whom wrote the article for Match.com ! I really think these so called " second generation feminists", as they seem to call themselves all the time; could learn so very much from the book titled " So You Want to be a Lesbian? " by Liz Tracey and sydney pokorny. in this, the author mentioned how , with two women and dating on the first date, it is CUSTOMARY FOR BOTH TO PAY FOR THEIR OWN SHARES OF THE CHECK!

anyway, there's a new movie out in all the major theaters called " HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU " ; supposedly the blockbuster of the month in feb . it is all about how women, and yes both before and after hormones I have been one of them emotionally , obsess over failed chances at relationships ; doing such things as constantly asking their friends and family, " why doesn't he call me? what the fuck? does he even like me? why doesn't HE CALL ME? " [ WHY DON'T YOU CALL HIM FIRST ? TWITBOX? WHAT THE FUCK GURL? ] .

many liberals , including salon.com's own rebecca traister, a self-proclaimed feminist, are trying to tell women to quit obsessing over men and to take initiative in asking them out for, paying for the first and others in the beginning, etc. ; DATE! yet so many heterosexual, and maybe some lesbian high femme, women in general still do shit the fucking same old way as it was done back in the " ARTHUR " FONZIE" FONZERELLI DAYS OF THE GOD DAMN 1950'S .

I think as to why so many heterosexual women still expect the guy to both do the asking and paying for dates is this; they are afraid that they will seem less
" feminine" if they take charge of their own love lives! many men , at least the hetero ones , think with their " lower brains" - aka: the cock and balls! [ penis and testicles] ; long before their " upper brain" engages them into action .

the male brain, and biologically male to female transsexuals are shown to have brains which operate like women more then like the " man" society, bosses, women love mates, etc. expect them to be; have more efficient use of their left sides of the brain than their right. perhaps this is because of years spent being the hunters and gatherers , later the sole wage earner; in their lives.

the female brain, and just about all other aspects of a woman's emotions, tends to think better with their right brains; which, of course , has been trained over the many years to be " nurturing" and " condesending to their mate" whom fathered the children. simply watch, like I do all the time, the way many women walk and talk ; the talk part which, despite what these " christian" asshole women reading my blog think; I have well mastered with all the " ummmm- it's like ....you know" words and all.

the walk part ? well I've always been one to stand with one hand or both on my hip in that " feminine" posture. but I've also been one whom, before MTF transition, literally " hated " many feminine-acting and looking women[ admiring butch lesbians, of course!] because of how they walked and talked; often wondering just how much of what women do was actually real or not. seeing these high femme, prissy ass girls walk , hands always close by their sides and back straight up in a posture similar to what the god damn Queen of fucking England would approve of ; I still must wonder if this was not all " basic training in femininity" as taught by their mothers who always told them, " LISTEN TO ME SWEETIE!" " THIS IS WHAT YOU MUST LEARN IF YOU ARE EVER TO FIND A GOOD MENSCH! " [ the word 'mensch' being yiddish for 'man' ]

all this , of course, applies to why so many women still expect the man to pay for, and do the asking, for dates! THEY HAVE BEEN TRAINED LIKE DOGS TO DO THINGS LIKE THIS! BY BOTH THE FATHER AS WELL AS THE MOTHER!

which brings me to eating , specifically " EATING LIKE A LADY" feat your eyes on that delicious looking carl's jr. ' six dollar burger' above; the guacamole' burger . let me ask all you meat eaters out there, especially WOMEN , something about that awesome bitchen' looking burger. and this I bring up because of those seemingly "sexist" Carl's Jr. commercials I see online and y'all out west in california and oregon maybe see all the time on TV just like we here in connecticut see of wendy's and BK .

in one commercial , which y'all can watch at www.fakerestaurant.com online for their steak on a bun sandwich , they show a woman whom gets all dressed up for hours for her date. she then shows up at her boyfriend's apt. only to find him slouching on the couch watching TV in his beach shorts and tee shirt! IT IS VERY FUCKING FUNNY TO THE MAX! JUST A MAJORLY AWESOME SPOOF ON HOW DIFFERENTLY MEN AND WOMEN SEE THE AGE OLD RITUAL OF DATING. IT'S LIKE SOOOO FUCKING FUNNY FER SURE! HERE SHE ARRIVES AFTER HOURS OF PRIMPING HER FUCKING HAIR AND DOING THE MAKEUP, GETTING THE GOD DAMN DRESS PERFECT , BEATING HERSELF UP FOR " LOOKING FAT" IN THE MIRROR [ not that I don't also do a lot of this in a way , I do ! it takes me about 20 mins to do my face makeup , more if I put on the full makeup routine] .

THERE HE IS, HER DREAM BOY SLOUCHING ON THE COUCH LIKE SO MANY "DUDES" , AND MANY BUTCHY-FEMME/LOW FEMME LESBIAN " BABES" DO AS WELL. and here is she all fucking dressed up like she was expecting to go to some fucking yuppie " my shit don't stink" restaurant like Southbury, CT's Olive Tree on the golf course or maybe bethlehem, CT's woodward house or new preston's The Boulders Inn on lake waramaug. and his idea of the perfect steak house dinner happens to be the $6.00 steak on a bun sandwich at Carl's Jr. fast food place!

that commercial ends right classy like with " IT'S HOW GUYS CONSIDER GOING OUT TO DINNER " or something like that . as for why this should upset women so much ? maybe because women have been sold on that " sex and the city" , this is what a girl likes when going out on a date, in a relationship, ideas of what is
" romantic and important" to the point that women tend to make things much more complicated then they really have to be! NOT ALL WOMEN, MIND YOU , BUT SO MANY OF THEM WHOM CAN'T THINK BEYOND WHAT THE FUCK ASSHOLE
" COSMOPOLITAN" AND REAL SIMPLE MAGAZINES SAY IS THE " RIGHT WAY TO DO THINGS" ON A DATE, WEDDING, ETC.

and yes, it is such a fucking joke that sometimes you've got to laugh; though I'm having to admit here that I too, if I ever get that personal ad up and going and finish the other 22% from the 78% done ; I will probably get dressed up nicely in a dress for my first date with a girl ! LOL well maybe, unless we go out for one of those Carl's Jr six dollar burgers or maybe the steak on a bun!

yeah, my friend warren keeps bringing up the fact that I need to " learn how women eat" and such . he is a crossdresser and yes, spends enough tiime studying those high femme " princesses" on the local TV news shows and how they dress, act, etc. and he has a very valid point, I mean you usually do not see many women eating anything but fucking majorly unfilling Salad dinners when they go out; especially on dates and business lunches! this all because many women, INCLUDING TRANSSEXUAL WOMEN! ; try so hard to appear and act " feminine" when they are out . BUT WHEN THEY GET HOME, OUT COMES THAT FUCKING QUART OF HAGENDAAZ ICE CREAM AND WELL " GULP! DOWN THE HATCH IT GOES! "

and this said, maybe then that is why women seem to so very hate those Carl's Jr commercials ; all because it reminds others that women, too, are fucking human beings that eat with their hands at fast food places, drink beer and soda from the bottle, and yes; go to the toilet and deficate and urinate just like anybody else does! IT TAKES THE FAKE ASS NOTION OF WHAT IS " FEMININE" AND WHAT IS NOT- THEN TWISTS IT ALL AROUND TO SUIT WHAT THE TRUTH ABOUT WOMEN REALLY HAPPENS TO BE! THAT MANY WOMEN BESIDES LIL' OLE ME CAN ALSO EAT LIKE FUCKING SWINE AND NOT ALWAYS BITCH THEMSELVES OUT WITH THE " DO I LOOK FAT TO YOU ? " ROUTINE!

in that other ad for Carl's Jr. they show two well-dressed in business wear women at that very same fancy restaurant with the black linen tablecloths; both women plus sized and yes, EATING THOSE CARL'S JR. ' SIX DOLLAR BURGERS' ! TAKING BIG BITES LIKE I DO ALL THE TIME OBLIVIOUS TO WHAT OTHERS MAY BE THINKING AROUND THEM.

I love it, because this is something I plan to say in my personal ad about how I'd rather be with the good ole gals at that 2007 Columbia County fair in chatham new york [ www.columbiacountyfair.com ] than with those fucking winey and cheesy mother fuckers wearing J. fucking Jill clothes I used to know at my mattituck UU church here in woodbury CT. the ones whom would say " good morning! aren't these grapes absolutely delicious and this wonderful cheesecake, oh yes! " BAG IT FER SURE! AAAAA-FUCKING-HEMM! I think I'm ready to go out and EAT JUST LIKE THOSE TWO WOMEN IN THAT CARL'S JR COMMERCIAL , THANKS! THEN GO FOR A NICE LONG HIKE AND HIKE THAT THE CALORIES OFF, LETTING HER SUCK ON MY " C " CUP TITS WHEN WE GET TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP!

FAT ASS BY CARL'S JR??????????????????????????????????

2009-02-12T14:08:00.000-08:00

been a long while since I did my nails , and this for a gal selling nail polish! not that I've sold anything since fucking november when I closed my e-bay store and reopened on vista print webs with my very own website at a much lower cost of doing business. again , ebay had its merits and conveniences, but when they charge you for every listed item every month/30 days; whether it gets sold or not; it's like, what the fuck I'm sure.
and so, I still have yet to finish that personal ad and get it posted fully on match.com . what am I waiting for? well you know me with my being fussy and procrastinating all the time ; something of course which I intend to list in that ad along with " fashionably late, sassy, and of course " brash like the sailorette's parrot but sweet like cinderella.

and so what else? well I am so sick of that fukcing ugly dark shadow upon my face still left from those days of yore. but at $275 per session for laser, forget seeing that gone yet! and so, I spent another fucking $79.95 on some razor that is supposed to be one of the best rotary razors for the face . but first day was not so pleasant and now I have to wonder if I made the right decision or should I have stuck with the foil shaver and just gotten a better one that flexes. well they say to use it for 3-4 weeks, giving it a chance to break in and adjust to your personal skin conditions; which I surely will. but if by then that thing is nothing special, back it goes to amazon.com for a refund at which time I'll buy another foil which pivots just the same way.

tonight I am going down to mamaroneck NY to see my friend nathaniel goldberg play jazz at some small cafe . he's also known as papa hawk in the music business, and has been doing poetry put to jazz for a really long time since back when he worked for NYNEX telephone and lived down in manhattan's greenwich village in NYC . not that I was ever all that much of a " jazz affectionado" but this guy's my friend from before transtion and still after . and yes, I like jazz, well as other types of music except fucking asshole gangsta hip hop!

not that I did not listen to that gangsta shit in my past life as " it" , I did because I was just as much of a sexist pig as fuckin ' Eminem and the dead by rival gang bullets Tupac shukur! but now as a woman, I see why women hate that rap shit so much- least the gangsta shit rap. those men, often black men but not always, have a bad attitude toward women they see as mere fuck dolls , ho's , and bitches ; put onto this earth for them to fuck and get pregnant and then leave them soon after! much like Beyonce' says in her latest song titled " IF I WERE A BOY" . and funny how I never used to like Beyonce' , but now I like her music a lot.

anyway, back to Papa Hawk . he called me on my new cell phone [ same old 516 number on my sister's family plan with Verizon ] and when I called him back, we talked and talked for about 20 mins while I was out walking yesterday when the temps were in the upper 50's ; warm for february the 11th in connecticut. and yes, we discussed relationships, as he's married for about 6 years now , to a wonderful woman from Columbia, south america, named adrianna; a woman whom you do not find in America anymore [ not even in the rural midwest or kansas! well maybe?] she's only like 40 and he, 68 , 28 years apart but hey, love crosses all boundaries ! and is she ever cute, by either a guy's standards or that of a lesbian woman seeking a high femme woman.

so considering how he knew me from both before and after my suprising to many MTF transition , he asked me again that same question . " let me ask you something, Cheryl?" he said. " you say that you still like women more then men? right? [ yeah, more then ever and now more in the emotional sense because I can respect a woman better as a woman] he then added, " if some beautiful girl, whatever you'd consider to be beautiful , had said to you she'd love you but only if you'd go back again? would you?" [ by " go back" he meant to being a supposed "man" thing , as I'm a [ physically] "male to female" transsexual nearly 3 years on hormones].

my answer was the same, " there's nothing to go back to that was all that great. I only wish that I had the money to get my sexual reassignment surgery, or SRS so I could finally have my " vadge" [ vagina]; even if I only went like halfway and got just a shallow "vadge" with labia lips so she could go down on me with her tongue like I on her." and so I added " I feel that I can now open up my heart and am much more willing to do what it takes as a lesbian woman to love a woman and make it work out! I want someone in my life and I feel that I am ready in every way but financial ."

continuing, I added, " besides, I now realize that i am attracted to butchy-femme and femmy butch women , even somewhat butch ones. not that I was not before, I was always attracted to melissa etheridge and saw her as sexy , even though she's married to her woman tammy lynn . I now see rachael maddow , the lesbian newswoman on MSNBC as way sexy because from a woman's point of view, smart and bold can be very sexy." and so he just said " ohh , well you are a much nicer person than you used to be toward women in your poetry and so, I could see what you mean by that."
I did not get into explaining that the HRT has destroyed that former sex life for good; not that , unlike so many transsexual MTF's ; I ever had one! but next time he and I talk, maybe tonight after his gig , I'll tell him why I'm no longer interested in pursuing something that never really worked. I did say to him " unlike many men including yourself , I never was interested in pleasing a woman even as that thing I was supposed to be based on bitch sex alone. never enjoyed doing whatever it took to make things work like you do with adrianna . I never wanted to do all the asking, paying for first dates , holding doors and pulling out chairs, buying flowers. I wanted the girl to come and ask me out. rescue me from that castle like cinderella with her prince. I wanted my prince with a vagina, lesbianic relationships usually work out that way but not many heterosexual male loving a female relationships."
he had to agree that was mostly true , as nathaniel's been through three marriages so far which all failed because he did not do what it took to make her happy. he did say, though, and this is true; how he was in love with many crazy women whom were very demanding and said how that was often true with many american women; but not adrianna . and fuck yes is he ever right! even the fucking country girls from say, Kansas , have become greedy , demanding, high femme readers of too many bullshit women's fashion magazines and their " must haves" of this and that .

never forget that Macy's dept. store shopping is now just a fast click and credit/debit card away from even the most remote places such as Trego Center, Kansas and Alturas, California way far up in very rural Modoc county ; miles from the nearest malls in redding,CA [140 miles] or medford,OR [ 90 miles +] . and yes, fucking wal mart is just about everywhere now; even in Yreka, CA , Oneonta NY , many other places where farming/ranching is the major industry!

speak of which, and this is growth to admit that I love to shop like so many other women and girls . I went to MACY'S the other night in the Trumbull CT westfield shopping mall. and they've got like so many awesome things, fashions for not just those conventional " office girl" types and yuppies, but for just about any woman with any taste you could imagine! but they are fucking way expensive and you've got to, like most women do; look for the sales and then buy. they have a plus sized " women's department" by the way , toward the rear of the store but still very easy to find . well, needless to say that i bought myself a really bitchen' pair of paris blues jeans , nice and really girly to the max! and for only $8.17 ! wow! they had to be about $38.00 new, I bet ! at least.

and so, count me in as a Macy's shopper now , one of the girls , I guess . and I learned something I knew, but was not 100% sure about; that most lesbian do NOT carry purses, instead wearing men's pants with those many pockets so that they can carry just what they need. LIPSTICK LESBIANS CARRY PURSES !

and so, what does that make me I guess? a lipstick transexual lesbian woman ! well let me go then, as I've first got to stop off at the Home Depot to get another new flourescent light blub for the kitchen overhead light . nice to know that I will be shopping at the major chain of hardware stores that was given the 100% rating by the human rights coalition. this for employment and hiring practices when it comes to hiring gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender employees as well as treating the LGBT customer right every time. that is way more then can be said for fucking wal mart 40% score and fucking AFLAC health insurance; a southern company out of Columbus, georgia which did not even want to answer the HRC's questionaire!

AAAHHHHHHH-FUCK YOU-FLAC ! JUST LIKE I NOW SAY WHEN I SEE THEIR ADS ON EVERY NCAA FOOTBALL GAME LIKE WHEN THE OLE GATORS PLAY DOWN IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

2009-02-05T21:10:00.000-08:00

me at the Peekskill NY open mike night back in august of 2007 , in sexy cami and wearing my denim cargo skirt, I believe. my bosoms were starting to really show then, but now[ below] are bigger even though they don't look it wearing winter clothing.
me- at the hudson valley writers center open mike night, one I've been going to since back in my " former life" . a place where many including both Maureen hatch-administrative assistant of HVWC and the now retired Dare thompson- former executive director of HVWC - all remember the fucking asshole I used to be! at least when you heard my formerly " angry at many women" lyrics , it surely seemed as if I was! wow! what a change , maureen , dare, when she comes down to HVWC which she did this past january's open mike on friday , Jan. 23 [ 2 days after Obama's inaguaration ], and I are now friends ! in fact, maureen now trusts me and I hang out while she is closing up , just going to prove that women and I, in general; are now friends!

anyway, my new picture, this of me wearing my pink turtleneck top by route 66, tan Chic women's pull-up pants - without that unneeded zipper " fly" that women, including transsexual women; do NOT need in order to go to the ladies' room and take themselves a well-needed piss! for shoes? I was wearing those new , tan , fake suede , cowgirl-looking boots with the fake buckles I bought last year from Payless in size 12w.

I look so hot now with those cute, girly-girlish bangs cut across the front ! I only wish that I could afford to get that shadow lasered off upon my face, that and getting rid of those " unneeded lumps of baggage" down there would be nice! i'd have a lot more fun " fucking" , so to speak, all the hot lesbians!

speak of which, that's been where I've been for the past nearly three weeks, that and sick with this virus that just will NOT go away and has had me coughing and constantly hawking up massive flem from my throat GRRRRR-OOOOOO-SSSS! SO GRODY- I KNOW!

anyway, so about two fridays ago, I joined up with Match.com , this for six months with that guarantee of " finding love or your money back" . the catch? you may ask? you must send at least five e-mails per month to your prospective matches whom you'd like to meet ; and hopefully become friends and maybe more .

But as of today, friday feb 6th, 2009 ; I have yet to get that fucking ad posted in full ; the one which is like 78% done right now . I've been makiing this harder then ever, constantly revising it over and over again yet always feeling that I left something about myself out in the rough , written by hand, drafts. I was just about to finish it tonight, actually early this morning here in Connecticut .

so what's holding me back? well I guess it is that fear of never being able to make anything work, especially being a pre-operation lesbian-transsexual! it is easier, after all, to find a nice girl whom loves girls when you have the correct equipment ; as in a vadge , cunt, twat, muffin, snatch, cherry, pussy, V-trap, or whatever you like to call your vagina. yeah, a nice big, stinky at times-especially when you menstruate, fucking beautiful VAGINA! one you can simply , upon pulling down your pants and panties, raise your fucking legs high in the air and spread them; then either, if heterosexual, fuck your man's brains out; or if into women, have your girlfriend " fist" [ finger] or just run her nice wet tongue down between the grooves of your vadge's outer " lips" called the labia minora and majora.

the labia majora being the outer flesh which you see in part when you place a mirror at an angle while pissing into the toilet ; one which the urethra, or pisshole, shows as just a little dot till it opens up to let those " floodwaters" of piss come spraying on out downward into the toilet's water/porcelain [ like the low flow one they have at the hudson valley writers center in the unisex restroom toward the right as you walk behind that curtain. as it goes "HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" ] or at home in the condo, " tinkle" or " piddle-hisssss-piddle-tinkle" as it hits that water and splatters into an often foamy, bubbly, grody mess upon contact. that, or when outside squatting, backwards-center all over the fucking ground just off that hiking trail in a loud " HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS-SISSSSSSSSSSSSS-SISSSSSSSS" ; also leaving a mound of piss foam upon the now-wet leaves.

the labia minora? you guessed it! the inner " lips" or skin folds, which hide the vagina and protect it from harm , you hope , as you have to fear rape, sexual or other assault, a dozen other things that mean men seem to like doing! [ don't for a fucking minute think that us pre-op transsexual women are immune to sexual assault, though. WE HAVE IT EVEN WORSE BECAUSE OF THE WAY TOO MANY STRAIGHT MALES THINK TOWARD US; SEEING US AS " RIPOFFS" OR " FAKE WOMEN" AS THEY ALLOW THEIR COCKS TO DO THEIR BEST THINKING FOR THEM! sure be nice to have a big, tough dyke for a girlfriend , one whom both knows martial arts and can literally beat his brains, and balls; straight into the ground or pavement on that city street/parking lot!

anyway, so see that diagram in my last post and you will know what the vadge looks like. by the way, they now have a WOMAN SRS SURGEON out in colorado ; trinidad, CO to be exact which is right there on the southern/eastern border of that state where it meets the much dryer, desert forested , state of New Mexico at it's northeasternmost portion close to Taos and santa fe, NM .

her name? Dr Marci Bowers , the first woman surgeon of her kind in the united states of america whom specializes in sexual reassignment surgery and vaginoplasty; as well as the more simple method of partial SRS - the orchiectomy in which they just remove the no-longer needed testicles.

ones which are probably dead as a doornail by the time one can save up the money needed for even partial SRS- reason that I, many other MTF transwomen, take spironolactone , an androgen blocker which , by blocking the biologically-male body from manufacturing androgens {that also create the DHT responsible for many a happy to be a man's hair loss by the way} ; in turn literally destroys the genetic male testicles from inside and slows down the production of that biological male hormone , testosterone. in turn, away goes both that insane at times sex drive, or "libido" as well as ever so slowly, the no longer needed erections! the result? your body better allows the induced by estradiol, or a combination of both estradiol/ premarin and progesterone; production of ESTROGEN produce even faster; thus making you both think, and act; more like a natural WOMAN!

EVER WONDER WHY MEN WHOM ARE PERFECTLY FINE LIVING AS MEN, ONES WITH A HAPPY SEX, AND LOVE LIFE AS MEN; ALL TEND TO FREAK OUT WHEN THE DOCTOR DIAGNOSES THEM WITH EITHER PROSTATE, OR WORSE, TESTICLE CANCER? WELL, ONE OF THE BEST KNOWN EARLY CURES FOR BOTH PROSTATE CANCER OR EVEN PROBLEMS WITH THE PROSTATE IS- YOU GUESSED IT SWEETIE- THE ORCHIECTOMY, OR SURGICAL REMOVAL OF THE TESTICLES!

WHICH, FOR THEM WHOM ARE HETEROSEXUAL HAPPY AND FUCKING THEIR WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS THEY ARE USUALLY IN LOVE WITH [ OR THE FEMALE PROSTITUTES THEY SEEK SEXUAL RELIEF FROM!] , AND GAY MEN AS WELL- SIMPLY MEANS " MY WORLD AS I KNOW IT'S COMING TO A BITTER END." maybe I better not laugh too hard about this one, as my sister's boyfriend of 12 years has prostate troubles, like many men his close to 60 do in fact. IT'S YOUR FUCKING BALLS, BITCH! LET THE SURGEON CUT THEM OFF AND THEN, SEE HOW AN INSTANT 15 FUCKING YEARS WILL BE ADDED ONTO YOUR LIFE, MISTER!

but for us transsexuals, the orchiectomy is like fucking TRUE HEAVEN ON A PLACE CALLED EARTH! no more baggage down there to take up unnessesary space betwen the legs! makes it so much easier to sit down, stand, bend over, even cross your legs; thought NOT all biological women can actually cross their legs at the knees! one thing for sure, it makes it so much easier and faster to piss [ sitting down, of course! or when outside hiking or anyplace there is no toilet, squatting down; as how do you think transsexual MTF's take a piss in the toilet or outside? WE ARE WOMEN, YOU KNOW!!!! ] .

for me it looks like it'll be fucking years until I ever see that day when I can even get my laser facial hair removed, never mind even the partial SRS / orchiectomy. But if, or when I do get the money for that orchie, about $1,100 to $2,000 , usually, plus travel and possible hospital expenses; I'd like to know if it would simply be possible to just have the SRS surgeon do the whole penectomy in full. I mean, does one really need six plus inches of full vagina depth [ often less and occasionally more ] if you are just going to have sex with another woman; as in lesbian?

I've been told that there are several alternatives to the full blown SRS surgery and in between just the orchiectomy alone. one is the penectomy, after which I'm not sure if you'd still be able to have any sensitivity in sexual activity. the other? I've heard about , and I think Dr. Marci Bowers may do
[ www.marcibowers.com/grs/gender.html ] ; is the construction of a shallow vagina, or " vadge", of only maybe 1/2 inch to 1 inch deep . this from the fleshy material left over when the penectomy is performed as it is often done with the full-enchillida SRS or GRS . [ sexual reassignment surgery being the better name for it , or when called GRS , think gender CORRECTION , NOT GENDER REASSIGNMENT , SURGERY! ] .

anyway, the point is this. one, if you do not have that large, or even medium , penis left over from those failed days as " man" thing; then the full depth may be impossible without many expensive, and often painful, skin grafts. [" failed days" which, for many transsexuals- included many reasonably satisfying days as the married " man" trying really hard to play "husband" for her " wife" , and " man" for their career growth and to avoid being fired by often ignorant male bosses who don't want to have " him" come dressed in that formal business skirt or dress; blouse or heels/flats. { maybe with Obama as president, this all will change and the employment non-discrimination act , or ENDA, can pass in it's fully inclusive version.} ] and so, the shallow vadge may be all you can get . bummer if you want to fuck MEN!

but for the lesbian transexual woman, which I identify as being because , as always but even more; I am attracted to WOMEN? WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A FULLY FUNCTIONAL , SEXUALLY SPEAKING, VAGINA? this when you consider that it is the LABIA MAJORA AND MINORA ; that serve the woman in enjoyable , lesbian sex! that and this wouldbe like, ummmm......so much fucking cheaper to have done! perhaps, I'm not exactly sure , but costing a little more then the orchiectomy and penectomy SRS. $3,000 US dollars?

anyway, back to the math.com ad, the issue is this for me. YOU CAN ONLY HAVE 4,000 CHARACTERS , WHICH MEANS LETTERS, NUMBERS, SYMBOLS- EACH ONE COUNTING AS ONE " CHARACTER" . I love to tell everything about myself up front, as I never been one for being a " private" person , unlike maureen down at the hudson valley writer's center, my sister, linda, my so called " friend" Amy from the Norwalk CT triangle TG society ; and just so many other mother fuckers that I know in my life.

I am the opposite, I mean while I sure as fuck ain't fixin' to give out my bank accts and card numbers; I am otherwise one whom will fucking talk about anything and everything in my life; as well as the lives of others! I don't know how to, nor wish to learn how to, hold myself back and be " reserved"; something which most of these Connecticut yankee mother fuckers seem to be great at.

the good thing about me? you will know who the fuck I am right away ! there is no real suprises! no hiding of anything ! THE FULL BLOWN, ALL OUT , IN YOUR FACE, "DRAMA QUEEN" ! THAT IS EXACTLY WHO THE FUCK I AM , AND LIKE TO BE! LIKE A SOUTHERNER, WOMAN OR MAN, WHOM OFTEN SEEMS LIKE SHE/HE BABBLES ON FOR HOURS WITH EVERY STRANGER SHE/HE MEETS- THAT IS ME!

the bad part? many people love to have mystery in their lives, especially when it comes to developing a close relationship with somebody special ; one that may, or may not ; lead all the way toward that ultimate comittment better known as a loving, committed " marriage" - UNFORTUNATELY ONLY FOR HETEROSEXUALS IN AMERICA WITH TWO EXCEPTIONS, MASSACHUSETTS AND NOW, RIGHT HERE IN CONNECTICUT. [ soon maybe also in NY,VT,NJ,IA,OR,WA, and maybe, california again if they can overturn this fucking proposition 8 , or PROPOSITION HATE! www.saddlebackministries.org ask for rev. Rick Warren ! EVANGELICAL "CHRISTIANS" LOL! or www.latterdaysaints.org the MORMONS! GIVE 'EM FUCKING HELL LIKE THEY GAVE US!!!!!! ]

the other part I mentioned above was what lesbian's goning to take my being a lesbian seriously? there are a few, I know, but not that many . of course there are bisexual women whom would much rather be with a woman than a man , and well......transexual woman= WOMAN with the wrong parts for the right job of being LESBIAN WOMAN!

and so, let me end here and get back to finishing that personal as best that I can. to get everything about myself , my quirky ways as well as my better parts of my personality ; all into those 4,000 fucking characters! right now I'm considering doing it in an outline fashion, as that may be much easier and more foward once I, for the tenth time; recategorize everything onto a rough draft on paper in an outline form. one which, after seeing other women's ads under " women seeking women" in www.match.com , may just be the best idea as it will enable me to simply list everything in order.

the ad, when fully approved and posted - will be under www.match.com ; then search under username " cherylsass123428" in the right hand lower column [ this per the usual fucking guidelines of not being able to say half the words I say here in my diary or even in a restaurant , starbucks, mc donalds, shaws, stop and shop , on the train to new york city ; or wherever the fuck I fucking feel like saying them! in order to get approved. I am, though, fixing to mention something like " brash 'n' sweet- like the Sailorette's parrot !" THAT SAYS IT ALL, HONEYPUSS!

either way, let me go now, then . gotta first go to the ladies room, you like, ummmmm...........like know ! [ to fucking piss!] and then, off to match.com land and lets see if I can at least find a lesbian friend . I am going to mention that I am expanding my search to 3,000 miles, as I'm fixing to move west this summer sometime , either to RURAL NORTHERN CALIFORNIA , OR TO RURAL SOUTHERN/CENTRAL OREGON . HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT THERE AND SEE WHAT IT IS LIKE, THOUGH ON GOOGLE MAPS; ONE CAN FIND LOCAL PICTURES POSTED BY LOCAL USERS IN ANY PLACE THEY'D LOVE TO EITHER TRAVEL, OR LIVE EVENTUALLY! www.google.com/maps- then search in top bar for " yreka,CA USA" , or any other place such as " netherlands" or " guam" or " US marshall islands" or " palau US" , the latter three which yes, BELONG TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ,AND ARE BEAUTIFUL, TROPICAL PLACES SIMILAR TO HAWAII BUT MUCH LESS DEVELOPED! PLACES WHERE, AS A CITIZEN OF THE USA, ONE CAN MOVE TO , OR VISIT WITHOUT ANY PASSPORT REQUIRED!

well let me go off to the ladies room, then. and then, off to match.com in search of a fucking reason to enjoy life better, maybe??? who knows, I guess? I mean, much as we now got full marriage rights here in Connecticut for all, including gays and lesbians, or queer transexual-lesbians and transsexual FTM men whom are gay; for those like me whom don't have the money to do all of this artistic , theatre bullshit , nor even really want to because of the stuck up people whom often like this type of thing or work full time at some corporation/job where they make lots of friends ; the prospects of meeting anybody is often hopeless.

it goes back to what I said about people in general and how fucking " fake" many of the truly are; these plastic, " positive attitude in life" types into health fucking food and other, community-oriented bullshit like the AVON walk for breast cancer, etc. NOT THAT I AM NOT FOR THOSE CAUSES, IT IS JUST THAT I CAN NOT FUCKING STAND THOSE FUCKING " POSITIVE" ATTITUDE, SECURE WITHIN, PHONY ASS URBAN AND SUBURBAN " PROFESSIONALS" WHOM DO THESE TYPES OF THINGS! THEY MAKE ME HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE INSIDE WITH THEIR COMPLICATED , " PRIVATE" LIFE BULLSHIT AND FEAR OF NEW PEOPLE THEY DO NOT KNOW .

MAYBE I REALLY NEED TO GET THE HELL AS FAR AWAY FROM EVERY FUCKED UP, SHITTY ASS , "CAREER-DALE" CITY AND SUBURB; SOMEPLACE WHERE CAREERS ARE HARD TO FIND , WHAT "PROFESSIONALS " THERE MAY BE WORK FROM THE HOME OFFICE ONLINE WHILE TENDING THEIR FARM. A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN PARK THE CAR EASILY WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT SOMBODY SPEEDING IN THROUGH THAT STOP AND SHOP PARKING LOT OR DOWN THAT WATERBURY/BRIDGEPORT/WHITE PLAINS/BALDWIN, LONG ISLAND,NY- CITY STREET!

SOMEPLACE NEAR WHERE I MAY HAVE TO GO FOR HRT, YET FAR ENOUGH AWAY WHERE THE NEON TURNS TO WOODS! Looking at Yreka, calif. I saw a hick town lifestyle that I just may be happy being a prt of once past the initial predjudices of some of the local, the men, mostly! well lemme go get my coffee and pee. laters!

2009-01-15T23:26:00.001-08:00

boy does this place ever bring back memories. okay, I was just 16 years and 9 months old at the time and the pothead, burnout fucking loser everybody called "freaky ***** " [ name back then withheld because I am trying hard to forget about whom I was " supposed to be" and all!] anyway, so here I rode off on my first vehicle, a motobecane' moped , one of those motorized bicycles with the 50 cubic centimeter engines on them; all the way from newtown, connecticut up here to norfolk CT. hell I thought I was up in the mountains soon as I got past washington depot and saw those berkshire mountain foothills just open up and welcome me!

the tower up top of haystack mountain, here in connecticut's haystack mtn state park, is right at 1,684 feet above sea level; one of the highest peaks in the whole state of CT in fact! from here one can see all the way south to the town of litchfield, CT; west toward the new york state hudson valley and catskill mountains[ slide mountain , 4,204 ft. being the highest of all catskill peaks about 70 miles west of here near Olivera, and Big Indian, NY in ulster county] . to the east, one can see toward the connecticut river valley and bradley international airport in windsor locks, CT , but from here; to torrington and slightly beyond. and to the immediate west is connecticut's highest mountain, Bear mtn. elev. 2,356 ft. ; as well as mount frissell [ 2,408 feet peak actually in massachusetts, but at 2,380 ft, the south slope sits right at the CT /MA state line 0.2 of a mile east of the new york state border and taconic state park[ NYS parks]

directly out in front of you here is the vast, cannan valley; one of connecticut's most fertile farming valleys and one that to this day; is still in use as a farming area!

this view, I believe, is toward the southwest , looking right directly at cannan mountain and bradford mtn- elev. 1,950 ft. ; in norfolk and cannan, CT . the whole valley has now gotten like so much more built up than it was back in 1979 when I literally camped upon this old woodroad that some big ol' country woman mentioned would be the ideal place to tent camp out for the night. I camped in the cannan section of the housatonic state forest one night, another in lone oak campground ; a family park with showers and all the modern conveniences.
cannan valley as seen from the top of haystack mountain in norfolk CT at elevation 1,684 foot above sea level. when compared to mount shasta at 14,162 ft. in california near weed and yreka in siskiyou county- snow capped till late june and again in early sept.; or maybe mount hood 13,175? feet above sea level in hood river county, oregon - oregon's highest point which literally has glaciers near its top even in july; well this here in CT is nothing but foothills!

but if you compare this to the state with the lowest, high point , FLORIDA , with Britton Hill at only 345 feet above sea level; sand mountain , elev. 286 near milton, FL ; oak hill - el. 331 near chipley, FL; Iron mountain, elev. 326 ft. near Lake wales, FL; SUGARLOAF MOUNTAIN - ELEVATION 316 FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL, near montverde, florida; SKYTOP MTN. elevation 309 ft.[ along florida state road 50 with a great view toward orlando!] and the citrus tower mountain, elev. about 282 ft.[ US 27 near mineola , FL] ; both which are near clermont, florida.

then these berkshire hills here in connecticut and western massachusetts are really MOUNTAINS!
guess who? Cheryl Lynne Oropal . it was actually quite warm that day michael and I went up here. it was kind of both funny and scary how dangerous it was for him to try and walk up this mountain on the half melting snow still quite deep at about 8-12 inches in spots. he was wearing his guy motorcycle type , or city slicker boots; the very same ones he wore all over manhattan and brooklyn where he lived with various friends and even out on the street in the summer of 2007 when we met. yes, michael was basically homeless, but working his ass off cleaning gutters with some guy out on long island's nassau and suffolk county; the employer living in massapequa, NY just 10 miles east of baldwin where I grew up till age 12. I had to hold him in order to keep him from falling both up and especially down; at which point we took the former paved road now long closed to motor vehicle traffic [ which was drivable back in 1979 september.]

you can still see that ugly, left over shadow upon my face, all because I can not now afford the $275 for full facial laser hair removal they charge here in connecticut at the cheapest place. but otherwise, I live " full time" as a woman, as many transexuals often call it!
michael somers, the dude I had invited up from new york city to stay with me last year , just before new years' eve when he was already back in new york city and awaiting his plane's depature to fly off to berlin , germany ; to return to the city he loved most and to a transwoman, I think , from what little I was able to ask him; whom he really liked a lot and maybe even was really in love with and just could not deal with it! michael was one of the most bitchin' black guys I ever knew. just a really, really nice guy!

as to why he liked transexual women so much? well he had done a lot of activism work down in the city [ NYC] where he lived for over five years since coming from a small town in pennsylvania called coatsville, PA. he knew the now late sylvia rivera, a puerto rican transsexual woman whom is responsible for getting the new york city local law number 3 , section 9 , of april 2002; signed by mayor michael bloomberg- a republican. what the law mean for those like myself is this. we can not be fired from work, evicted from housing, discriminated against in any way; and yes, we have the right, legally; to use the public restroom we feel most comfortable using without having to have the correct ID gender. which, in my case here in connecticut, is female now!

yes, michael was just a nice guy, kind of shy and unable to, like so many men are; truly and freely express his feelings. I fucked him , yes! that was the plan! as back in dec. of 2007 , I was on hormones for about a year and a half and still unsure as to if I liked guys better and just did not know it all those years living as the " M" thing. I was not gay, because, believe me, between walter p. and howard e. , in our three years of dating both of them ; I would have definitely figured it out if I was! but soon as I went on HRT, I had to explore to see if maybe I was bisexual, even though I always liked women sexually all my life; just never knew how to, as that " M" thing; ever get one to want to have a relationship with me!

though michael was just awesome , and yes, fun in bed , me being the pre-op transexual woman still and having to pretend that I had a cunt and was like letting him enter through the gates of pussydom; I had suddenly realized that I loved women much more then I did men! I still remember getting him to cum in about 15 mins. though; making me realize that, as a woman; I have my work cut out for me! I know how to fuck better from the standpoint of being the SHE!

which brings me to this . haystack mountain brough back many memories, but none that other teenage "guys" usually have memories of! mine were of traveling all the way up here to norfolk and arriving in the middle of the night at about 2:30 am; shutting off that moped's engine and then, laying the bike halfway down and going under the locked, state park gate. I then soft pedaled the bike about 500 feet up that road, at which time I pedal- started the engine and then, rode all the way up to the end of that road at the tower's parking lot. I then loked the bike with a chain and walked up with the flashlight, stoned off my ass from all the marijuanna I had smoked as always!

as sun rose, so did I if I remember; smoking myself that morning joint like the alcoholic has her/his drink! I then road onto mount everett in massachusetts near egremont , first up through north cannan and salisbury; then up route 41 which becomes mass 41 ; all the way till I turned left and began the 7 mile hill climb which at times meant pedal assisting the poor little 50 CC motobecane' moped full of about 40 LBS of camping gear/ clothing, etc. on its back luggage rack! back then , the dirt road up to mount everett reservation in MA was also open to cars. did I ever overheat that poor little moped's tiny engine; this to the point I had to get off and walk it near the top of the mount everett road [ now closed and just a hiking/ mountain biking, trail!]

it was then, an auto road leading to a summit parking lot filled with broken fucking beer bottles from all the stoners whom would hang out up there, fuck their girlfriends, drink beer and listen to rock and roll music in their cars! yes! the late 1970's ! summer of 1979, sex, drugs, rock and roll . but the funny thing is this. even duing the height of the sexual revolution, when I was still " frog" oropal , I never could even come close to getting into any woman's panties! never mind her pussy or better yet, her heart of gold! all I had was me, myself, and I . and yes, my pot and that moped!

I just did not know how to make the first move, something which girls seem to expect of anything born in a biologically- male body. I WAS AWAITING MY FAIR PRINCESS TO COME AND ASK ME OUT! MAKE THE FIRST MOVE! I WANTED A DYKE BACK THEN AND JUST DID NOT EVEN REALIZE THIS! anyway, so up to mount everett where I met some really killer stoner guys and girls all getting high as a kite. I even climed the now long gone, but then just legally closed and about to fall apart, former ranger's fire tower on top of mount everett's 2,606 foot above sea level peak! did I ever feel that I was in the mountains that day! FLYIN' HIGH AGAIN!

I think I spent that night camping out on top of mount everett? not sure, but I think back now and nope, I did not. I then took off and , if I remember right; rode all the way down the big hill onto west street which becomes falls road. stopping off at bash bish falls at the state line, I continued onto falls road which becomes NY state route 344. riding that moped all the way to route 22, I turned left and headed down to taconic state park by sunset. the ranger told me that I had to go down to rudd pond, a fishing lake where the other campgrounds were at because the one in taconic state park was already full.

in connecticut, a moped, or motor scooter which is 50 CC or under, does not have to display a license plate, nor have motorcycle insurance or its rider, a motorcycle helmet . but in MA and NY state, you do. mass cops did not stop me at all that time, and I am suprised that new york did not either. but soon as I got to that state park's campground, the ranger I remember asked something like " how come that motorcycle does not have license plate? and you don't have a helmet? "

I explained that it was really a motorized bicycle, mo-ped and that I was from connecticut where we did not need anything but a regular driver's license! he then said okay and told me to go to the park office and pay . thinking back to all this, I now remember that I never really had any close friends, was not good at making friends and all I had in newtown was pot smoking buddies. I tried so hard back then to be what I was supposed to be, a teenage "guy" . but inside myself, I felt like I did not really know what the fuck I was!

I do know one thing, I never felt completely comfortable using the restrooms and showers assigned to me as what society told me I was at birth based upon some ugly parts that I would have little, if any ; use for as a became a teenager and then, a developmentally disabled adult whom was never going to succeed in life in that prescribed " gender" role of " male". the one thing I loved, and even as Cheryl, still seem to do, is to be alone. to go places and meet people, ALONE!

yet I always wanted that one special girl to come along in my life, but she never arrived! all because, based upon that fucked up " gender" role I was told was who I was for so long; I had to do all the date asking, date paying , gift giving; all things I either could not figure out how to do well; or simply refused to want to ever do for any woman! IT ALL FUCKING SUCKED! DRESSING UP FOR A FUCKING DATE AND GIVING SOME GIRL FLOWERS AND CANDY FELT, WELL EXTREMELY DEGRADING TO MY EGO AND MY INNER SELF! I FELT AS IF I WAS EXPECTED TO " LOWER MY OWN SELF FOR SOMEBODY ELSE" , TO PLEASE THEM! ALL AT MY EXPENSE. AND THE WAY I FELT THEN WAS THIS, THAT , AND I'LL QUOTE, " THAT NO STINKING PIECE OF FUCKING UNAVAILABLE PUSSY WAS WORTH THE RIGHT TIME OF DAY TO BUY SHIT FOR! "

GUYS JUST DO NOT THINK THIS WAY! I AM SORRY . TO MEN WHOM ARE REAL MEN, THE VAGINA IS WORTH SACRIFICING EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO GET AND TO KEEP FOR A WHILE!

anyway, so there I was, camping all by myself at the rudd pond camping area in taconic state park near millerton, NY . I met many people, both guys and girls, mostly from new york city and long island ; and remember smoking some pot with this guy camping with his finacee' ; both of them from queens, NY city. I felt like I was close to home again, as new york was always more of my home than fucking connecticut ever could even try to be! the fucking people here in CT seem to be so hard to become friendly with , not that for me, this seemed true everywhere!

anyway, remembering back then, I was happiest when I had my bag of marijuanna and was by myself! people, especially GUYS, freaked me out in general. yet if I think about it, I felt comfortable around women whom were with somebody else male. I enjoyed the most talking with women . I liked women better than men! it was just that, for one, I always had to watch what I said to them when they were with their often jealous and overprotective boyfriends! but that is what men do when they love a girl, they seek to defend her honor and protect her from harm! they know their gender's role and they feel quite comfortable playing it out!

I never did back then! I wanted to be with a girl as just another one of the girls! I guess that showed itself in secret when , around age 17-18, I began to prefer sitting down to pee instead of having to "stand up " and be that fucking " man" thing I never really felt I was 100% sure of being! there was something about having a pussy that I wanted, perhaps because mentally, I was more like the girls and much less than the boys! so what kept me from doing what I finally did back in may of 2005? THE MARIJUANNA !

anyway, so here I am , now as Cheryl ! looking back, I often wonder if I would have done half those things alone that I always did if I was born into the correct gender? if I was a girl from birth and as a teenager? or would I, like so many women out there, have been fucking scared of what may or may not happen? as in getting raped or killed? not that so many times, did I come close to getting my head bashed in by, or even having it done; by guys whom thought I was a fucking " faggot" and hated me, thought I was weird. girls felt that I was creepy, that or just very angry and they just could not understand why this was so!

as for michael somers, in those pics above? well he is probally still in berlin, germany right now; living with that transsexual woman he liked, but did not know how to express himself toward. again, most guys do not know this about themselves, but suddenly, my women's intuition kicked in and even though he and I had awesome sex and it felt excellent to just be held in that tender, but rough; way that a man holds a woman when they are being romantic; I knew what I really wanted in life. I WANTED TO BE IN THE ARMS OF A WOMAN! ONLY THIS TIME AROUND, AS THE WOMAN SEEKING THE SECURITY OF HER PRINCE-ESS ' ARMS! I KNEW THAT I HAD LEFT THAT PAST LIFE OF TRYING TO BE THE "STRAIGHT DUDE" BUT NEVER EVEN COMING CLOSE TO SUCCEEDING. AND WHEN I FINALLY FOUND HER, I WOULD SEEM TO DO WHATEVER IT TOOK TO FUCK THINGS UP.

WAS I MAYBE SCARED OF WOMEN? AND WHY WAS I SCARED OF WOMEN? WHAT WAS IT ABOUT WOMEN IN GENERAL THAT FUCKING FRIGHTENED ME?

looking back to when I used to study the family's encyclopedia in that chapter about the women's anatomy; a special fascination of mine ever since I was just a child; I actually remember having nightmares in which I'd see this " monster" cast his shadow upon the wall. he looked just like that diagram of the woman's inner anatomy and reproductive organs ; the vaginal canal being this big vortex which appeared to me as a huge vacum cleaner hose. to it was those smaller heads which peered out like the " devil's horns" in catholic christian mythology, the head of course being the fallopian tubes leading to the monster's eyes which were held by those weird looking monster's fingers [ see top most above diagram] . and that monster's fingers were holding the female eggs which looked literally like the monster's eyes.

I think I may have been maybe 8-10 years old when I had these dreams, but why did they scare me? what was so scary about a woman's internal parts where the babies come from? maybe I thought that I was supposed to have them inside me or something. the weird thing is this, I was wlays a lot closer to my mother growing up that to my father. mom protected me to the point that dad often yelled at her and well, the family doctor blamed her for making me become " effeminate" ; something which so many MD's believed back in the late 1960's and later was discovered to be an excuse for covering up true MTF transsexualism in its earliest stages!

anyway, speak of love, relationships, dating, and how things never seemed to work in my life back as a teenager? well just earlier tonight , I signed up for the match.com service, a well known online dating service, or more like match-up site. I have been searching under "women seeking women" for quite som time now, between all those dreams I've been having lately in which I awaken in the arms of a woman I am in love with, and the emotional feelings that I get whenever I see a romantic movie; especially one with two women instead of one man and one woman ; both faling in deep love; I have been coming to better know myself.

I know that soon I will have to move and all, but still, I said, why not at least see who is out there . I recently posted my ad but it is still not completely finished; something which I have to do either today or tomorrow. but I am ready, I feel, maybe not in the financial sense as I don't even fucking known how I am going to be able to support myself, never mind have anything left over. but that, I will deal with, as I'm soon fixing to go to SCORE [ service corps of retired executives] , a group of volunteers dedicated to helping the small businessperson write her/his business plan in order to better seek funding for their businesses!

but in my heart, while feeling those feelings, I have come to see that I know what the fuck I want in life far as sex and relationships go! and please do NOT ask if I would go back to what was, as my mom often says to me; because there is not SHIT TO RETURN TO! I still may not be very happy, may not be good at making friends even with other transgender MTF people as well as women in general. but then again, here I am, in connecticut and southern new york area; a place where life revolves around money and the arts in a very sophisticated sense of those things!

while I love going to my poetry things down in westchester county , new york, I have got to admit that the wine and cheese, sophisticated bullshit is just not for me! I have pretended for too long to like being aroung those educated liberals , when in all doubt, the women, especially, with all their upscale " tastefully feminine" clothing and such; just make me feel all the more uncomfortable.

as I browse the ads on match.com, I can see how different connecticut is from oregon, for example. the women here are all into upscale yuppie shit and have good careers which make them able to enjoy all that urban city artsy shit! but people here just have too much going on in their lives to even be able to get halfway close to them! and this is true not just of the heterosexuals, but also the gays and lesbians, bisexuals, transgender as well! this fucking place is "jobbiedale, USA" ; more like " careerdale" as are most cities and suburbs of any size.

but then again, while I am here, I'm just going to keep open all my options and if anything, maybe just find a woman friend or two to hang out with, maybe go on some casual date with. this as well as seek something even further away, as in 3,000 fucking miles from here on the left coast! in some small town someplace in either northern CA or southern- central OR , maybe even new mexico, though I really don't think I'd like to live where there is no real forests!

oh well, only time will tell and whom knows? I am leaving all the options open by saying " seeking lesbian or bisexual-lesbian , femmy-butch or butchy-femme woman for friends first, either online or locally; as well as casual dating and maybe more if the right person comes along?

I think I've discovered where I went wrong back in that former life! I drove most women away with my negativity , something I still do now because I just do not fit in with groups nor really enjoy all that fashion shit I see no sense in caring about. yet I have discovered that now, I can simply just be myself, dress the way that I feel is right for me regardless of what others feel ! and then, only then, some woman comes up and ends up talking to me . I have noticed that I do seem to be able to better hang out with lesbian women, as they seem to be much more into just being themselves!

funny thing is this about transgender MTFs and transwomen in general. they try so hard to be what they call " stealth" and do what it takes in order to fit into the world of women ! along the way, becoming that well-dressed and well-heeled girly-girl professional seems to come as important to them, those like amy and a few others at the triangle TG society whieh meets every first tuesday at the triangle community center down in norwalk, CT .

on the other hand, I seem to still do things my way and not really give a fucking shit what everybody else does, how they dress or not! I have become more like those so called " feminazis" , or extreme feminists rejecting much of what women have been taught is traditionally expected of their role in society . suddenly, I now see just why, exactly, that Janice G Raymond seems to hate transsexuals and considers them as " mental rapists of women" it is because so many of them try so hard to be what the traditional woman is expected to be like!

and if that is what you like? then cool! but please do not make others feel that they have got to also like that !

with that, I am out!

2009-01-06T18:48:00.000-08:00

this was a letter I had written to the editor of Voices, our local newspaper here serving the towns of southbury,oxford,woodbury, bethlehem, newtown, and monroe, connecticut. it was about the CT constitutional convention- a vote asking the citizens of connecticut whether they would like to allow for changes in our state's constitution or not. held every 20 years and placed upon the election day ballot , if repealed, it would give all the special interest groups the power needed to lobby for a change in our state's constitution!

anyway, this REPUBLICAN "FAMILY VALUES" JERK named sean murphy had written his own letter to the editor, asking the people of our western CT area here to support the constitutional convention. the mother fuckers' reasoning ? well you guessed it ! to overturn the connecticut supreme court's recent decision legalizing lesbian and gay marriage here in CT; in order to protect " the family" and " the sacred nature of marriage as only between one man and one woman."

funny how all these fucking , god damn fundamentalist " christians" are all the same way! I mean the failure rate for traditional marriage is now around 60% here in the USA ! basically meaning that men and women simply can not agree on anything and get along anymore; part of which is often blamed on " feminism" but has more to do with the fact that things really have NOT changed when it comes to who does the asking out [ the man, usually], the date paying [ again, the man !] , carrying in heavy objects and taking out the fucking trash [ the man, usually- as "Mrs. Princess" needs to keep her little maincure nice for the fucking garden party this weekend or to do her little real estate job! ]

then again [ see www.salon.com/broadsheet today for the article about falling in love too soon] the man simply can not open up and share his feelings , and if he says " I love you" too soon; the woman sees him as being " too clingy" . yet it is true that when many men hear the woman , whom is usually the first to utter those very words ; they get ready to GET THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN RIGHT QUICK!

perhaps one woman in that site's feedback letters said it best. " the more I read about men and women and love, I'm even gladder that I am a LESBIAN and don't have to worry about what some man wants!" maybe that right there says it all about gay vs. straight marriage ? defining reality for these scumbag fucking fendamentalist " christians" and catholics whom feel that "god would only have it one way- one man and one woman!"

speak of which, I was reading the sept./oct. copy of Gay Parent magazine [ www.gayparentmag.com ] and absolutely loved reading the article about a north carolina lesbian couple with their three year old son . the sad part was that he has downs syndrome, a disease that affects a child's early motor coordination and development ; this both physically and emotionally.

but while reading their story , I cried and really cried ! lately I have been noticing that the woman in me has really taken over , as a result I have been emphasizing a lot more with those whom have families or are at least in long term relationships. I have been thinking about placing a personal ad in match.com and have it up, but have yet to finish it . I am now considering whether to join or not for three months and simply take a chance with an ad under " women seeking women" [ lesbian or bisexual woman seeking a woman ] .

one thing holding me back is this, I am still pre-op SRS and how many lesbians would want to date a half passable transsexual woman attracted to women ? not many truthfully , but who the fuck knows? that's maybe where the " seeking a lesbian or bisexual-lesbian woman " part would come in handy! the other is this. once the condo here is sold , I will have to get the fuck out and try and find my own place ; this with NO RENTAL HISTORY ! OKAY CREDIT AT BEST! NO LANDLORD REFERENCES ! AND YES, $694 MONTHLY INCOME FROM BOTH THE SSDI & SSI CHECKS COMBINED!

and just the very thought of living in someplace like waterbury, torrington, willimantic, new haven, or some other connecticut shithole city around a bunch of asshole fucking " urban-style" people in some shitty four family apt on some shitty old street ; well, it really makes SUICIDE SEEM LIKE A BETTER ALTERNATIVE!

I am ready to escape! to get as far away from fucking yuppies and career people as I possibly could ! and reading salon.com all the time, I now realize that even though I consider myself to be a liberal and progressive ; I am only that when it comes to politics! when it comes to those health food co-op shopping and healthy eating, formally educated fuckers ? I have got to be honest and say that I REALLY THINK THEY ARE ALL PLASTIC FUCKING YUPPIES! ALL WITH THEIR " SAVE THE PLANET " AND " EAT HEALTHY" VEGAN-HIPPIE HORSESHIT!

THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT ME , as I am NOT one to give a rat's ass if all my sentences are properly capitalized, words spelled correctly, etc. I REALLY CAN NOT STAND THOSE FUCKING " EDUCATED" COLLEGE DEGREED PLASTIC, HIGH TECH PHONY LIBERALS! IN FACT I CAN NOT STAND THEM ANY MORE THEN I CAN THE FUNDAMENTALIST , SO CALLED ' CHRISTIANS ' ! AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED , THEY CAN TAKE EVERY FUCKING COLLEGE DEGREE, BACHELORS, MASTERS, WHATEVER- FOLD IT ! SHOVE IT DEEPLY INTO THEIR " SAVE THE PLANET" RICE EATING ASSHOLES ! AND THEN, SET THE GOD DAMN PIECES OF FUCKING PAPER ON FIRE!

COLLEGE IS MOSTLY BULLSHIT ! 80% OF IT BEING A BUNCH OF CRAP THAT YOU MUST LEARN IN ORDER TO GET SOME FUCKING DEGREE SO AS TO GO OUT INTO THE CORPORATE GLASS TOWERS OF NEW YORK FUCKING CITY OR THE SAN JOSE SILCON VALLEY. ALL TO BE A SELL-OUT TO SOME MAJOR CORPORATE EMPLOYER , LIVE IN SOME SHITTY ASS CITY AND COMMUTE ON SOME OVERCROWDED FREEWAY OR SUBWAY/COMMUTER TRAIN ! FUCK CITIES! FUCK CORPORATIONS!

AND , FOR THE MOST PART , FUCK MANY OF THE COLLEGE EDUCATED LIBERAL " EAT HEALTHY FOODS AND WORK OUT AT THE GYM" PEOPLE IN GENERAL! FOR ALL I CARE, THEY CAN STAND ON THEIR GOD DAMN BUDDHIST HEADS , EAT THEIR FUCKING SUSHI AND TOFU, GO TO THEIR LITTLE WORKPLACES AND THE GOD DAMN THEATRE AFTERWARDS ON THEIR FRIDAY NIGHT DATES , OR MAYBE THE OVERPRICED HEALTH FOOD RESTAURANT NEW IN TOWN THAT ZAGAT GAVE 5 STARS RATING TO [ one for each $10 bill that each dinner cost when you add up all five $10 bills for the total price!] THEY CAN STAND ON THEIR HEADS AND THEN CONTEMPLATE AS TO WHY YOU SHOULD NOT SAY " I LOVE YOU" TILL YOU HAVE DATED THE PERSON STEADY FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS! "

WELL-ADJUSTED" YUPPIE PEOPLE FULL OF " SELF-WORTH" JUST SIMPLY MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE! GIVE ME THAT OLD FASHIONED " LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT" ATTITUDE ANYTIME! MAYBE THAT IS THE GOOD SIDE OF LIVING IN SOME "BACKWARDS, RURAL REDNECK TOWN" AS THOSE CITY LIBERALS MIGHT SAY !

anyway, so after reading the story about those two women raising their son together, I got all emotional . a part of me now feels that I have become more open to possibilities , more willing to do what it takes once I finally find the right partner . much more open to alternative family possibilities if that ever came along , as long as I can still be the same old me in the process . I don't know , but right now I'm considering joining match.com for three months just to see what my many possibilities may be , or not be. if anything, just being friends with a woman/ a few women; and maybe dating around a little bit just to experience something different for a change ; would be welcome change. even if it stays online or is long distance , as in 3,000 miles apart on the other coast . hey that would surely be a start and then, who knows ????

anyway, if you'd like , go and check out their blog at www.babyhomepages.net/benjamindaviscarlton . he is like sooooooo cute for sure! and to people like my 87 year old mother whom cringes when she hears me say the word " lesbian" and " parent" in the same sentence , seeing how awfully cute their little boy is may just change your minds toward gays and lesbians being parents! " MARRIAGE BETWEEN ONE MAN, AND ONE WOMAN " OPTIONAL! NOT NEEDED FOR A CHILD TO GROW UP EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY!
today I got my new 2009 N.O.W . calendar and the following are some of the great posters telling women to simply accept themselves and their bodies as they are! mush the opposite of all the fashion magazines and TV shows saying " you must be thin! wear skinny jeans by gloria vanderbilt, look like hannah montana in high school musical, etc. this one above I ike the best !
no, virginia! that does not mean the size of the guys fucking cock that you are starving yourself to be thin for! it means the size of your ass, gurl!
and so, my friend warren is always trying to tell me that " ladies do not eat fast , they eat salads when they go to wendy's , etc. " EVER WONDER WHY THIS IS SO ? THINK KIRSTIE ALLEY AND HER MIRACLE DIET WHERE SHE LOST 40 LBS. THINK SHOWS LIKE "THE BIGGEST LOSER' THINK 'WHAT NOT TO WEAR/WHAT TO WEAR', ETC. "
all about the national organization for women , the nation's largest feminist group which is still fighing hard for women's rights ; including those of transwomen and lesbians!
some great advice for women trying to help other women !
this says it all! FUCK THE FASHION AND DIET INDUSTRY! EVER NOTICE HOW MEN CAN BE FAT AND UGLY, YET WHEN THEY SEE A WOMAN WHOM IS " FAT" [ as in size 10 !] THEY REFUSE TO BEEN SEEN WITH HER ? MOST STRAIGHT MEN ARE DICKS! THAT'S WHY!
here is a view of all the pictures in this year's LOVE YOUR BODY - N.O.W. CALENDAR . if you want to learn more about the Love your body 2009 campaign and other items of feminist interest , please go to www.now.org and , while you are at it, JOIN AND BECOME A MEMBER . by the way, those stories about Gloria Steinhem burning her bra back in the early 1970's ? it was all MEDIA HYPE !

2008-12-27T00:39:00.000-08:00

yeah, this one came out blurry because my old high school girl-friend whom took it must've been like shaking a bit when she took it . nevertheless, my tits look even bigger in this one than in the other from aug 2007. I am also much fatter, but fuck it, the feminist idea is to love your body as it is ? right?

anyway, so another SHITSMAS has come and went! nothing exciting , unlike all those other people all with their fucking relatives eating the same old DISGUSTING BIRD-MEAT THEY CALL ' TURKEY' FUCKIN' NASTY TASTIN' MEAT IF I EVER ATE ANY! GIVE ME MY LONDON BROIL ANYDAY !

and so, all day went by and did the phone ring like it once did when mom was still living with me at this condo ? NOPE! SHOWS YOU HOW INSIGNIFICANT YOUR LIFE BECOMES TO OTHERS WHEN YOU DO NOT SUBSCRIBE TO THE BULLSHIT THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS BELIEVE IN! BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING? WHO THE FUCK CARES- AS " CHRISTMAS" A HOLIDAY THOSE WARMONGERS CALLED " CHRISTIANS " AND " CATHOLICS" ONLY BORROWED FROM THE PAGANS; WHOM CALLED IT YULE!

and so, I woke up late because I've been working all this week into the night and till morning ; trying to get my business in order. one which has, for the period of april 2007 till november 13th when I closed my store at http://stores.ebay.com/Lezebelles-Boutique and moved it to my own website at www.lezebellesboutique.com. starting my store back in june of 2007 on ebay with a ' basic store for just $15.95 per month ; I had some dreams of someday becoming a self-sufficient transwoman and eventually getting my SRS in full or at least in part! that and being able to afford to live , pay rent; when the time comes to get out of here , the heritage village condo finally sells.

but for 17 months I had Cheryl Lynne's TrannySass , later changed to TranniSass Trailer and finally Lezebelle's Boutique ; my fucking dreams had died! I learned something that everybody should know hoping to make it big on ebay ! firstly, that e-bay does not just charge us store proprietors that basic fee of $15.95 / $49.95 next level up called pro-store / and finally, $499.95 a month for what they call an " ANCHOR STORE " . nope, they also charge up fee after fee just like with their auction format ; unless you have the anchor store, that is . it is a " 30 day auction" basically , and so, you pay and pay for every listing ; which repeats itself every 30 days!

that and you are not permitted to have links to outside sites besides your own ! also, no bongs or waterpipes can be sold on ebay at all! " drug paraphenalia" rules, just like the US postal service has about shipping them . [ though , when wrapped , all you do is claim them as " housewares" or maybe, " tobacco accessories", just like so many places which sell them , including lifestyles emporiums of waterbury, CT [ lakewood rd and the brass mills mall ] www.lifestyles.com and putnam's place of danbury [ deadhead accessories store] www.putnamsplace.com ; does to get around the connecticut state laws against selling " drug paraphenalia" LOL

anyway, so it has been nothing but a big loss. and yet I've moved my store to it's own site and, even though right now I'm getting several shoppers; so far I have had just one customer. my friend, warren from avon, whom purchased via my affiliate TLA links ; about 7 books for a total of like $37.00 [ I got 6% commission , or just $2.10 after the 2.5 % of total costs credit card deduction. ]

and so , I finally did my accounting, so to speak. and I got to see, firsthand; just how much I invested into this store only to watch it fall apart on ebay as they sucked fee after fee from me every fucking month! for a time, I had my OPI products and lacquer listings up to like over 24 items . that and those lesbian bracelets from Peru Miski distributors in lima , peru - south america ; that simply never had sold. in my new site, I have them priced so low just to clear them out !

yeah, I just wish that I had more to invest and a solid business plan to go about securing the grants to do so. I mean, hell, I easily qualify for both free SBA grants and low interest loans from the small business administration [ www.sba.gov ] . so maybe it is high time to do just that .

on shitsmas eve , YULE EVE REALLY , I watched that old classic from, was it 1939 ? called ' IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE ' . long a holiday classic , it is about this man whom is a banker in some then small town called Bedford Falls, New York . I believe it was really filmed on location in the village of Bedford Hills , NY , though; a village which is part of the northern westchester county, NY town of bedford ! in those days, that place was basically a " cow town" way out in the country but yet close to new york city by new york central passenger train. in a way, I was able to recognize the main street , also now known as SR 113 , I think .

anyway, in the movie as many americans know already , this banker named george nearly loses all due to much competition from a nasty, rich old man named Mr. Potter ; an old goat whom owned just about every bank for miles as well as many , slumlord houses and just made money and more money! sounds familiar? wall street bailout? john mc cain?

anyway, so here the movie covered his whole life from the time he was a young boy growing up in bedford falls. they showed when he warned the man he was working for at the local drug store about poison being in those pills , and yes, the time he, as a young boy ; rescued his older brother from the fall through the thin ice on that local skating pond .

much like I was back as that " thing " I was growing up, this guy was basically the aloof , goofball of the town! girls all seemed to feel he was a jerk and clumsy; and all the bullies harrassed him ; which was actually more okay back in those olden days when most people had " morals" and " values" we keep hearing so much about today pertaining to us " queers" demanding our rights to live free and to marry whom we choose!

anyway, george's dad then died and left him the bank in town. one which that evil , wealthy bastard named mr. potter tried to buy out in every way he could think of! after all, potter owned nearly everything in bedford falls and the surrounding area he aquired throughout the USA depression of 1929-1932! he originally wanted to attend college , but instead after seeing nasty mr potter; decided to stay on and run his father's bank!

eventually, george met the right girl , women in those days had to wear so much clothes like long fucking dresses . that and act like a " lady" all the time . a man's job was to go out and work, make money to support his family . that and be the disciplinarian of the family with his children and " bring ' em up right" ; even if that meant to " spank" them across the ass really hard whenever they did anything wrong! [ now they call that " child abuse" by the way! LOL]

the woman's job was to bake the fucking cakes and cook the food ! that, and always look " pretty all the time" and consort with the other ladies at the town's garden club , etc. I remember that scene where she got all hissy fitted at him for insisting they'd go up and watch the moon , gods forbid she'd get her pretty feet dirty of something . lesbians, back then, though very much around as they are today, gay men too; all had to hide themselves in the closet ! many got married to the opposite sex , only to discover that they hated themselves for doing this years later.

but the one thing true back then was this. the men all were men and the women all were " princesses" and " ladies" . ever wonder where the term " ladies' room" came from in america and yes, in th UK ? women were not supposed to admit that they too, had to piss and shit like everybody else!

anyway, so he finally met his girl in the same town he grew up in . nobody needed match.com back then! it seemed like everybody knew everybody else in their close knit circles of family and community! which, in many ways, was actually a good thing and something that still seems to exist in places like delhi, new york and yreka, california; sort of anyway!

he outlived the depression when everybody lost their money invested in his bank . he went on to finally buy a house in the very same town , in that new subdivision his bank called the investors & building company? had built during those pre war days when many anticipated the move from city to suburbs . meanwhile, the evil Mr potter was still trying to put him out of business in any way that he could.

the bank recovered the first time, but again went into insolvency . this many years later when the world was at war in WW2 and the women, for the first time in america; had to go to work in the factories ans learn what it is like to have equal rights ! ROSIE THE RIVETER WAS BORN ! THE CARTOON WOMAN FLEXING HER ARM'S MUSCLE WHICH HAS NOW BECOME A SYMBOL OF THE STILL ONGOING , FIGHT FOR WOMEN'S EQUALITY HERE IN AMERICA! in fact, us lesbians have adopted her, as we are the women whom truly want to really be equal , it often seems!

anyway , so here came world war two and then, again his bank had gone deep into debt and lost money in some subdivision investment . all these people wanted to have him arrested and george then went into depression and anger . this on, of all nights for the shit to hit the fucking fan, on CHRISTMAS EVE! his chldren, and he, like so many good Irishmen, had four of them, were all enjoying their happy X-mas eve . the daughter rehearsing on the piano in the living room, the wife doing her " expected for a woman tasks" like cooking, baking, and geting ready to entertain their friends and neighbors. right then, george went into a huge fit of anger and literally began to cry as he went up the stairs in a fit of rage.

he then donned his coat and went down to the bar , all the way fearing that the police were coming to arrest him as mr potter wanted! and so, he ends up walking in this blizzard first to the bar to have a few drinks ; where he gets into this fight with this man over something he said to his wife over the phone that night when she called. now with a split lip bleeding, he left that bar and then; walked down toward the bridge where he was going to jump off into the raging, cold waters of that river!

it was then that some angel , supposedly , comes to rescue him and show him how much he was really liked ; what life in the world would be like if he never lived . this part was great , and funny; as the town called bedford falls was filled with topless strip clubs and casinos and renamed POTTERSVILLE ! and so, through george's lifetime they journey in a world where he was never born . his wife married that wealthy guy her mother wanted her to , and he met all these people in his dream . all of whom did not even know who the fuck he was!

and then, he awoke from the dream and there he was, with his family in their living room of the house. all his friends and family, his children and wife; all were present . he then realized that he had a very good life as one of the most decent men living in bedford falls ! everybody iked him except for that evil, " scrooge" character named mr potter ! and everybody, right then, all contributed everything they owned in order to help george get the bank back solvent again!

right then, being depressed lately with the fucking holidays bullshit that everybody subscribes to , I began to cry. and fuck! did I ever cry and cry, as this was the first time I had seen that movie called ' IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE' from a female point of view! I realize that I too, like a lot of these intellectuals I read commenting in salon.com's newsblog ; while still living as " M" could not deal with the fact that women and men were different ! I was all for this FULL EQUALITY THAT GLORIA STEINHEM FOUGHT FOR IN THE EARLY 1970'S !

but women and men really do see the world through different perspectives! that and, unlike me whom had to grow up being socialized as something I was never going to ever be good at being ; women were taught to be nice and caring . going back to that fucking Italian-Irish catholic bitch I dated briefly named eva down in florida in 1989 [ right about the time I began to " come out" behind the locked bathroom door and slowly become " Cheryl" !] I hated the way women acted all caring and all. simply because I did not see it benefitting me in any way and I felt, back then; that they were trying to change me . maybe why I liked dykes all of my life? right? I liked manly women whom , I now realize; had what I never had in my life! I did not want to be the romantic jerk in that suit or sportcoat because inside, I realy did not feel like I was him!

anyway, so when that george finally realized that if he was never alive, many would have missed him ; I began to cry so hard it was unreal! yet it felt great , awesome! why? because I now can finally be ME , MYSELF, AND I ! NO LONGER DO I HAVE TO LIVE A LIE AND HIDE MY WEAKNESSES . and back to women versus men and their unique differences ? I think I was always more like they were and a lot less like the men I tried to imitate! I HATED MOST MEN ! SAW THEM AS ALWAYS TRYING TO BE STRONGER, RICHER, MORE TOUGH .

now that the estrogen has set me free, I am that woman whom I really all along liked up till the time when the " wrong puberty" kicked in and life because frustrating when with women because I was " expected " to respect them like they were something special and different . I wanted to become close to a woman, romantically and sexually/emotionally, like a woman whom likes other women is able to do! and now I feel that I am more or less ready , if only I can find a woman whom can accept me as her lesbian partner or even , for a date! I am ready to finally open up my heart and well, do whatever it takes to make it work once it "clicks" this time.

and so, for the first time while watching 'It's a wonderful life ' , I cried like any woman might! this maybe because as it seems like I really have few people in my life. and being able to connect with anybody when you do not feel like being a part of their often bullshit lives full of differences from whom you are; well it it definitely hard .

and so, the whole holiday season seems great for many, except for those like me whom have very few friends and no partner . not that it is easy at all when you do have alife partner, as in fact more pople get divorced and break up duing the holiday season than any other time of the year! perhaps because women have to act like they enjoy all this entertaining people and being the polite host and feel that this is something they must do.

meanwhile the men go off and watch the fucking football or basketball game on TV with their sons and just can not understand why it is that women make such a big fuss over doing the holidays, and everything else including the wedding itself ; perfectly the first time! IT IS MOSTLY BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN SO LONG SOCIALIZED TO BE THE " LOVELY HOSTESS" EVEN WHEN THEY ARE FEELING LIKE SHIT DOING SO , DEEP INSIDE THEIR EMOTIONAL SELVES!

back to the holidays and being single and alone. well I don't have too many friends except warren , J. or "jeanette " whom wrote the lonely hill and is now on another book ; and ye, good old hank from the old white plains clique . but then again, I seem to like it this way because I do not seem to go out of my way to change things and meet new people. and, unlike my sister whom , I think, still keeps up with all those fucking relatives and mails out the stupid, meaningless cards and shit; I do not feel like I am a part of that long-forgotten family and could not give a flying fuck less like they feel about me !

and yes, they say that this time of the year is way hard on singles' , as everybody in couples or married seems to be all involved with family and all. another thing I am not sure if I really can stand all that much; as I was never one to enjoy going to visit relatives all that much even though I grew up in this, supposedly, close knit family whom all lived close by until my parents moved to newtown , CT from baldwin, NY . not like many of those fucking cousins even give a fuck to know if I am alive or not anymore. I still remember my aunt rita telling me over the phone when I'd asked about cousin diana that " diana saw the new photo on my license, Cheryl. but she's very busy like we are."

you know something? maybe I should just take this as the " fuck you" it really is! they all have their lives, their children and husbands/wives ; seemingly living quite happily through life's struggles with their spouses and children, friends and family; all which give them meaning in their lives . and yes, DO NOT FORGET THE GOD DAMN FUCKING CATHOLIC CHURCH - ONE WHICH I LONG AGO AS " IT", LEFT IN DISGUST WHEN I FINALLY REALIZED THAT MOST CHRISTIANS WERE NOTHING MORE THEN FUCKING HYPOCRITES AND BIGOTS!

everybody still says that they " love me" and all and " they give me their regards" . but do they really ? HORSESHIT THEY DO! but so this is life in the fast lane! all these people in my family all grew the fuck up ! the men went to college and then, upon getting out ; got that better job or career . well not my cousin diana's husband whom is a plumbing & heating technician . funny I remember meeting him at my aunt rita and uncle sal's 50th anniversary party in west hempstead, long island NY . and it was all the smug " man thing" with the fucking handshake and all. yet I could see him , all the rest of those fucking hypocrites starting down at me like I was wrong for not wearing a god damn fucking tie with that shirt .

I HATED WEARING TIES TO FUNCTIONS AS IT WAS HARD ENOUGH TO HAVE TO WEAR ONE WHEN I WORKED, BACK AS " M" , AT BOTH FINAST SUPERMARKET [1980-82 ] AS WELL AS AT PUBLIX SUPERMARKET IN FLORIDA FROM SEPT TO DEC OF 1985 TILL I GOT FIRED! THIS WAS, I NOW REALIZE, BECAUSE I NEVER FUCKING FELT ANYTHING LIKE THEY FELT! I SPENT 42 FUCKING YEARS GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS , YET FELT SEVERELY UNCOMFORTABLE INSIDE EMOTIOANLLY WHEN IT CAME DOWN TO SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS GOING TO THE RESTROOM TO PEE!

so now everybody knows, by way of my mom and my sister, I am sure; that I have done something they never would have expected me to do. I chose to go on HRT and become a woman ! changed my legal name to a woman's name instead of something that never even represented who the fuck I really was in life! yes, I have breasts and I now go for my yearly mammograms to early detect any potential breast cancer! and emotionally, though still a wreck like always, I feel more complete , able to be the emotional, easy to both anger and CRY MY EYE OUT, person I was meant to be!

and believe me, though I am still not really into being a fashionable dresser nor walking, talking, and especially EATING, " like a lady is supposed to "; I can feel quite comfortable wearing that pretty dress to some party or function! and going to the bathroom to pee no longer makes me feel emotionally uncomfortable deep inside!

so back to diana and all those cousins and even my aunt rita whom acted every time on the phone like she was " too busy to bother saying more than hello Cheryl" ; I think I know what their problem is. they really can NOT deal with those CHANGES! " time- to face the strange cha-cha-cha-cha- changes. look out rock n' rollers!" ; as david bowie , a crossdresser and " genderfuck" transgender rock star once said! and if that is her problem , then so be it. but I just think it is like she is so busy working and both raising the children and doing it all, just like so many women now do because they feel they must have it all in life.

I guess that is the one, woman feeling, that I will never be able to understand . what it feels like to have a baby and then, live to raise that child till she/he is an adult . and , like I've said before. the closest thing to this I will ever be able to achieve would be to be in a lesbian relationship with a lesbian or bisexual woman whom has kids from her own " former life" as " that heterosexual woman thing" !

and so, it was great to see that movie again, ' It's a wonderful life .' how many times have I seen that one every year , never to really understand what the true, underlying feelings would be from a woman's perspective in life. later on I watched ' the holiday' , a holiday love story made for these much more complicated times we live in today where everybody's too busy working and overscheduling their lives to have time to allow love to blossom. yet many are in either marriages or partnerships for years which seem to really work for them !

and all this week , I felt this sudden burst of motivation to go over all my financial stuff dealing with that struggling business I've been trying to get going all these 17 months . BUT WOULD I HAVE EVER LISTENED TO MY FRIEND HANK AND EVEN TAKEN THE FIRST STEP IF I DID NOT COME OUT AS CHERYL?? DOUBTFUL ! ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TO GET UP THE COURAGE TO FINALLY EITHER, LIKE GEORGE, JUMP FROM THAT BRIDGE INTO THE ICY WATERS BELOW , OR MAYBE BLOW MY HEAD OFF WITH THE GUN LIKE THIS DUDE, RANDY, I KNEW BACK IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA DID IN 1994-95!

and so, even though I am still disgusted with my life and especially those parts which no longer are needed and just serve to fuck up every potential relationship or at least , sexual experience and dating chance; with the kind of women I now like . and even though I have no real clue as to how I will survive on my true own when I can not even make $657 last the whole month now .

things are still better living as cheryl , the woman . and at least I am now more willing to try to figure things out than I ever was back as " it" . I am thinking about joining match.com just to see what may or may not be out there for me. worth a try, I guess ? I guess the idea is this. to be honest about who and what I am , a transsexual woman seeking a woman . that and to leave the bisexual option open for sure; as that may or will definitely increase the possibility. and most of all, to simply desire to just be friends at first with a woman instead of jumping in so quickly and wanting it all right away pronto like I did in my former life full of desperation . worth a try, I guess.